7.30.2013

"Have you ever been on a motorcycle?"

A commenter notes: "Not enough applause GIFs in the world for this post!"

Try. See if you can find enough applause GIFs. If you only know one thing about me, know that I love a GIF.

Sometimes, when the night air seems cold and the world is a mean, friendless place, Meg and I will ask each other random questions via text. I don't really need to know her cup size or when she thinks the race war will begin; I just need to know she's there. However, because we're both what is politely called "colorful" and coarsely called "batshit," sometimes these late-night questions lead to stories, like the other night when Meg asked me if I'd ever been on a motorcycle.

The answer is yes. Longtime fans will remember my post about a date that ended in a shed in the woods watching Entourage under a Confederate flag with the central star replaced with a whiskey ad. Well, this is... not nearly as bad. Several years ago, I made a date with an-older-enough-to-be-exciting-but-not-like-OLD-old man on some internet.com website. Looking back, it's hilarious that 31 used to be "fascinating and older" and not I'LL STILL BE COOL IN THREE YEARS, RIGHT?!?!?!, but time makes fools of us all. I drove over to his house, and before we left he wanted to introduce me to his roommates.

All thirteen of them.

The house was huge with several bedrooms, but then eight dudes just... lived in bunk beds in the finished basement.Most of them were gay, so I guess it functioned as a generic sleepaway camp/armed services/hostel/prison fantasy. Introvert that I am, the idea practically gave me hives. There was also a generalized scrotum-and-Cheeto odor that under normal circumstances I might have found comforting, even arousing, but the thought of the endlessly recirculated air down there alarmed me. Then I met Asher, who lived in a cage.

Can I tell you what's not sexy? People who are big into being obviously kinky. Be your own butterfly, go right ahead, but there's something about people who need casual acquaintances to know that seems desperate. Thus it was with Asher. He slept in a little cage - he was a small guy, and the cage was of a size that he could wiggle around more or less freely in it but not really stretch out. He had a blanket over the top against drafts (DRAUGHTS, in the UK) and to make a surface he could drop his glasses, billfold, and keys on. I was not going to bend down and look in on him like he was a terrier - I refused to play - so I carried on small talk with the area of his legs I could see and successfully contained my questions until my date and I got out to the driveway.

Me: Was he locked in?

Him: Oh, yeah. When he's ready for bed he finds someone to lock him in for the night.

Me: What if there's a fire?

Him: Oh, Tim's job is to make sure someone lets Asher out in an emergency. You know how you're supposed to have a plan for fires...

Me: What if he has to pee?

Him: He holds it, I guess.

Me: If he has an accident, is one of you supposed to rub his nose in it?

Him: I guess. I don't know. He's a nice guy.

A nice guy. The hell? He wants to be locked in a cage at night, which, ignoring the BDSM subtext, is wildly dangerous, but it's okay because he doesn't steal or carve "FOR THE REICH" into people's foreheads with a broken beer bottle?

By this point, we were on his motorcycle, so I had to shut up. I didn't get to ask any more questions about Cage Boy because my date spent the evening telling me about his coati (!) and his nine-year-old daughter (!!!!!!!!!!). Three days later he texted me to tell me he had a nice time but was moving to Denver - you know, 'cause. So, fair warning, if things go south with Giant Camel I'm just going to prostitutes. Fingers crossed, I can avoid ever going on another date.

@OMGLOLCTN

281 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   1 – 200 of 281   Newer›   Newest»
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I am just so happy that you are back. Applause GIF!

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At least you and Meg had a great conversation and you made each other special. Well, as for riding in a motorcycle, I'd rather take my bicycle because it's more safe and convenient. :)

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Welcome back!

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SO glad you're back!

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You're back! Yeah!

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So no mention of the months long hiatus?

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Gone again.

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1. I really need a link to the post about the confederate flag date.

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Unknown said...

Chị Thanh Trang (quận Thủ Đức) nhận xét: “Trước đây gia đình tôi thường mua bột giặt dạng xô lớn hơn chục ký ở các siêu thị, nhưng từ ngày được người thân tặng cho dùng thử bóng giặt sinh học thì tiết kiệm được khá nhiều bột giặt và nước xả vải”.
quả bóng giặt có tốt không
Tuy nhiên dùng nhiều mới phát hiện, để bóng giặt hiệu quả thì phương pháp giặt đồ khác hẳn so với khi dùng bột giặt. Trước đây, thói quen giặt đồ của gia đình là phân loại quần áo, kế đến bỏ vào máy giặt, bỏ bột giặt và nhấn nút. quả bóng giặt
“Còn khi dùng với bóng giặt thì phải ngâm quần áo trong nước khoảng 10 phút, đồ quá dơ thì phải vò tay thêm rồi mới cho vào máy giặt, bỏ bóng giặt vào và nhấn nút” - chị Trang nói. Chị Kim Ngân (quận 10) cho rằng vẫn giữ thói quen giặt đồ cho bóng giặt vào, nhưng thêm khoảng 20g bột giặt để giặt chung, cũng dùng chế độ giặt ngâm thì quần áo mới sạch sẽ. Tuy nhiên sau một năm thì hình như bóng đã mất tác dụng nên không còn sử dụng nữa.
Chị Kim Ngân cho rằng: “Mình dùng quả bóng giặt chừng một năm nay, và vẫn giữ thói quen giặt đồ cho bóng giặt vào nhưng thêm khoảng 20g bột giặt để giặt chung, cũng dùng chế độ giặt ngâm thì quần áo mới sạch sẽ. Tuy nhiên, sau một năm thì hình như bóng đã mất tác dụng nên không còn sử dụng nữa”.

bóng giặt sinh học
Bóng giặt sinh học hay còn gọi là quả giặt, banh giặt thay thế bột giặt không phải là sản phẩm mới xuất hiện nhưng vẫn chưa nhiều người biết tới. Đây là sản phẩm được quảng cáo là bước đột phá giải quyết mọi vấn đề khó chịu của bột giặt.
quả bóng giặt sinh học

Unknown said...

Đối với lĩnh vực trang tri nội thất thì công ty OZ là công ty có một đội ngũ nhân sự bao gồm kiến trúc sư, cử nhân mỹ thuật công nghiệp lành nghề và yêu nghề. OZ luôn đưa ra những sản phẩm thiết kế nha dep, biet thu dep, nha pho dep, can ho dep, nha ong dep , phong khach dep, phong ngu dep, sáng tạo đồng thời phù hợp với khả năng đầu tư của khách hàng. Bên cạnh đó còn thực hiện ý tưởng của quý khách hàng trong thời gian nhanh nhất với chất lượng tốt nhất thông qua các kiến trúc sư nhiều năm kinh nghiệm. Các sản phẩm thiết kế nội thấtthi công nội thất của công ty cũng dần dần được khẳng định tên tuổi trên thị trường VN.

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Với đà phát triển ngành công nghiệp nội thất, OZ tự hào cung cấp những dịch vụ về nội thất xây dựng như: Thiết kế nhà đẹp, mẫu nhà đẹp nhà phố, biệt thự, căn hộ chung cư

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