"Mom said you hit a cow with a chair?"

That's what they think of me. They think I'm some mad cow-chair-hitter. I would never do that. What I did was hit the fence with the chair to scare the cow, which I think we can all agree is rational behavior, provided you're holding a lawn chair and need to scare a cow.

What Happened Was:

So, Landlady, on account of her being a hell of a swell gal, is giving us a good deal on rent. She also has a persistent neck injury from a surgery that went haywire in the dark pre-Obamacare year of 2009. So between that and needing to do something, anything, to keep from staring at the wall until I write an all-"aLL wORk and NO play makeS JACk a DuLL Boy" blog post, I've started trying to do little tasks around the property. I patched a gravel road, which is hilarious. One of the chores I decided I should do was to establish a compost pile. I love compost. It comforts me - I feel like I'm being less wasteful, and it reassures me about death. Maybe when I die, I can quietly rot in a corner of the garden until I'm ready to be spread on marigolds.

So, I had in mind a nice neat little pile of rotting kitchen trash. Landlady apparently envisioned some kind of JUMBO NUTRIENT RECLAMATION SYSTEM, which is why she woke me up at seven the other morning to go dig up her uncle's dead vegetable garden. Apparently he'd just gotten bored with tending it and let it gently wilt, and Landlady saw all that unused mitrogen sitting around and licked her lips like  a dieter at Wawa. [HONK HONK BEEP BEEP REGIONAL HUMOR] So we ripped out all these poor little watermelon and squash vines and piled them on top of my respectable little heap of eggshells and apple cores.

Then this textversation:

Landlady (9:52 PM) i just thought of something
remember how those cows got in
i hope they dont go after what we just put down

CTN (9:54 PM) Will they, if there's fresh grass around?

Landlady: (9:55 PM) yes
cows eat grass
did you not know that

CTN: (9:57 PM) Right, but if they have grass would they eat dried up old squash vines?


That was it. I had been in a bad mood all day: no matter how much Cool Whip I eat, I'm still overweight; I got turned down for a job writing gay romance novels because I "lacked the necessary experience"; I just... no. I was not having it.  I calmly put on my shoes, walked outside, and picked up the lawn chair. I brandished it at the cow, and it shied back a little, but that wasn't enough. From somewhere deep inside me, I felt a primal cry:

"I SAID HAUL ASS, PIGFUCKER!" And I slammed the plastic chair into the fencepost. The cow, seeing that I meant business, turned and "ran" off (cows can only go so fast), and I went in to have a conversation with Landlady about how cows remember things and I had better be careful.

Later that night, the cow returned, knocked over the fence, and ate all the compost, but I take my victories when I can get them. 



«Oldest   ‹Older   401 – 416 of 416   Newer›   Newest»
آدم said...

عندما تستعين بــ شركة تنظيف منازل متخصصة في عمل التنظيف الخاصة عندما تكون الشركة لها سمعة طيبة في مجال التنظيف ستحصل على منزل براق وأرضيات و حوائط نظيفة تماما مع الحفاظ على ألوانها من مواد التنظيف لنظافة شيئا ضروريا وخاصة عند تواجد اطفال صغار يخشي عليهم من الاتربة شركة تنظيف شقق بالرياض _ شركة تنظيف موكيت بالرياض _ شركة تنظيف مجالس بالرياض _ شركة تنظيف واجهات بالرياض _ شركة تنظيف مسابح بالرياض

owenshaw7474 said...

very nice and beautiful info i like it so much good work!
Manga Here
Manga Here
Read Manga
Manga Read
Hooda Math
Didi Games

owenshaw7474 said...

Great. I'm happy to express that I have a strange feeling very good I found out just what I need here
Kizi 1
Kizi 10
Kizi 100
Kizi 1000

hằng hằng said...

This is a post that we all should read at least once, it's great, wish you success in the next blog. I like this post because it contains a lot of useful information to read, maybe everyone will like me.
cá koi mini, friv4 school 2020, friv Games for kids 2019, Jogo quente 2019

Ajeet Verma said...

We are popular as Florist Service in Gurgaon from last 10 Years, we also offers fresh flowers cakes and latest gifts across Gurgaon. Send flowers online and Offline from flower shop for your loved ones and availlable for corporate gifting with fastest delivery.

Florist Service in Gurgaon
Online Florist Services in Gurgaon

Unknown said...

now present in your city cara menggugurkan kandungan

thiết kế công trình said...

biet thu nha vuon

thiết kế công trình said...

nhà pháp 2 tầng

Call girls in Dehradun said...

Call Girls in Dwarka
Call Girl Dwarka
Call Girls Dwarka
Call Girl in Dwarka
Dwarka Call Girls
Dwarka Call Girl
Dwarka Escort
Dwarka Escorts
escort in dwarka
escorts in dwarka
escorts in dwarka
Call Girls in Gurgaon
Call Girls in Haridwar
Call Girls in Noida
plumbing company Toronto
plumbing company Mississauga

Call Girls in Dwarka | Call Girl Dwarka | Call Girls Dwarka | Call Girl in Dwarka | Dwarka Call Girls | Dwarka Call Girl | Dwarka Escort | Dwarka Escorts | escort in dwarka | escorts in dwarka | escorts in dwarka | Call Girls in Gurgaon | Call Girls in Haridwar | Call Girls in Noida | plumbing company Toronto | plumbing company Mississauga

hindi daily status said...

i have no any word for your appreciation your blog is very nice he is provide very nice information for your user i am also learn about. we have also a medical tourism company in india it is provide all type treatment like that Urology Treatment & Surgery we are given of treatment is very low cost.

MS said...

Good article Thank you enjoyed reading We hope development and progress
حساب العمر
احسب عمرك
احسب وزنك
حساب الوزن
تحويل التاريخ
حساب الحمل Thank you again

jogos friv said...

The games listed at http://friv.party/ were chosen very carefully. Computer games have a bad reputation, but they filter out the games that are listed on their friv sites. You can find many games easily. Games are known to reduce stress. They develop physical and mental skills. Young people and old people can develop themselves while playing these games. The elderly may not participate in physical activity and this can lead to disappointment. The easiest way to alleviate disappointments and repressed energies is through game sites. Jogos friv can provide much needed contribution. The games are completely free. They do not require any complicated installation process. Since most games are based on Flash, there are no configuration issues. friv.com does not use a lot of memory and can also run on older computers.
friv games keep you away from the stress of everyday life. Both children and adults can play these games. Since the games are flash based, they are easy to install. Games do not take up much space and do not slow down your computer.

Patrachar School in Delhi said...

12th admission form Patrachar Vidyalaya 
Patrachar Vidyalaya admission 
CBSE Patrachar Vidyalaya admission class 12th 
12th admission CBSE Patrachar Vidyalaya 
12th admission Patrachar Vidyalaya last date 

Elsayed Abd Elnaby said...

This is a great post, I am very happy with this information
We also have many services such as cleaning, pest control and moving furniture
I hope you visit us
شركة تنظيف بالرياض
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالرياض
شركة نقل اثاث بالرياض

افضل شركات said...

شركة رش مبيدات بجده

شركة نقل عفش بالطائف

شركة تنظيف بالرياض

شركة تنظيف بجده

cara menggugurkan kandungan dan mempercepat haid said...

I thank you for the information and articles you provided

«Oldest ‹Older   401 – 416 of 416   Newer› Newest»
Clicky Web Analytics