Thank you to everyone who’s congratulated us on the book. We are, of course, over the moon about it. I’ve already had three wet dreams about going into Borders, seeing the book on the table, and hollering, “I did 43% of that! Me!” I’ll give you a recap of my holidays travels later this week, including a joke beginning “Two homosexuals walk into an oxygen bar…” and my experience at “candlelight yoga.” For today, though, I’ve collected six of the dumbest arguments I’ve ever had, with a nod to the classic “Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About”:
“Don’t Put Metal in the Microwave”
(Tulane Chris vs. Mom)
Mom: Do you want a kolache?
TC: Sure.
Mom: Okay, let me heat it up for you.
TC: Don’t put that plate in the microwave, it has metal on it.
Mom: What? Oh, the gold leaf? That won’t matter.
TC: Yes, it will! Don’t put metal in the microwave! You taught me that!
Mom: That’s an old wives’ tale. Forget it. If you’re going to act that way I’m eating the kolache.
TC: You can’t punish me for understanding how microwaves work.
Mom (through mouthful of kolache): Can. Did.
Winner – Czech Stop Bakery in West, Texas, for making kolaches good enough to argue over.
“Your Proposed Comic Book is Offensive”
Mom: Do you want a kolache?
TC: Sure.
Mom: Okay, let me heat it up for you.
TC: Don’t put that plate in the microwave, it has metal on it.
Mom: What? Oh, the gold leaf? That won’t matter.
TC: Yes, it will! Don’t put metal in the microwave! You taught me that!
Mom: That’s an old wives’ tale. Forget it. If you’re going to act that way I’m eating the kolache.
TC: You can’t punish me for understanding how microwaves work.
Mom (through mouthful of kolache): Can. Did.
Winner – Czech Stop Bakery in West, Texas, for making kolaches good enough to argue over.
“Your Proposed Comic Book is Offensive”
(Tulane Chris and The Furious Jew vs. Deborah)
Deborah: Listen. About this comic book you’re writing… I need you to not do it.
TC&TFJ: Why? It’s a wonderful idea. It’ll sell billions.
Deborah: You’ve drawn me as a spy named “Super Jewess” who saves Christmas.
TC&TFJ: That’s correct.
Deborah: Who kills men by breaking their necks with her breasts.
TC&TFJ: Well, bad men. It’s not like you’re going down to the VFW and snappin’ heads off for sport…
Deborah: You’re answering the wrong question. Do not draw this comic.
TC&TFJ: Why not? You’ll be immortalized!
Deborah: As a breast-wielding assassin with a racially charged name. Why do you not see that this is insane? Name one time when that plot model has worked.
TC&TFJ: Pam Grier’s entire career.
Deborah: …okay, but don’t write this comic book or I’ll skip the breast part and proceed directly to shooting you.
Winner – Deborah
Losers – Teenage girls with racially charged names who need a positive role model; the comic-book buying population.
“You’re a Scorpio If I Say You’re a Scorpio, Dammit”
Deborah: Listen. About this comic book you’re writing… I need you to not do it.
TC&TFJ: Why? It’s a wonderful idea. It’ll sell billions.
Deborah: You’ve drawn me as a spy named “Super Jewess” who saves Christmas.
TC&TFJ: That’s correct.
Deborah: Who kills men by breaking their necks with her breasts.
TC&TFJ: Well, bad men. It’s not like you’re going down to the VFW and snappin’ heads off for sport…
Deborah: You’re answering the wrong question. Do not draw this comic.
TC&TFJ: Why not? You’ll be immortalized!
Deborah: As a breast-wielding assassin with a racially charged name. Why do you not see that this is insane? Name one time when that plot model has worked.
TC&TFJ: Pam Grier’s entire career.
Deborah: …okay, but don’t write this comic book or I’ll skip the breast part and proceed directly to shooting you.
Winner – Deborah
Losers – Teenage girls with racially charged names who need a positive role model; the comic-book buying population.
“You’re a Scorpio If I Say You’re a Scorpio, Dammit”
(Tulane Chris vs. Mom)
TC: My horoscope says I have a bright, optimistic nature. That’s unlikely.
Mom: Let me see. No, it doesn’t, it says you’re poor in money but rich in friends. You’re a Scorpio, like me.
TC: No, I’m a Sagittarius. It changes on the 22nd and I was born on the 25th.
Mom: No, you’re a Scorpio. You just don’t want to be like me.
TC: No, it’s as close to a fact as you can get in astrology. I was born on November 25, which means…
Mom: I’m tired of you always chirping about this. “Look at me! I’m Chris! I was born on the cusp! Look at my cusp! Don’t I have a big, hard cusp?” You’re spoiled, is what your problem is.
Losers – Astrology; rational thought
“Mice Are Disgusting”
TC: My horoscope says I have a bright, optimistic nature. That’s unlikely.
Mom: Let me see. No, it doesn’t, it says you’re poor in money but rich in friends. You’re a Scorpio, like me.
TC: No, I’m a Sagittarius. It changes on the 22nd and I was born on the 25th.
Mom: No, you’re a Scorpio. You just don’t want to be like me.
TC: No, it’s as close to a fact as you can get in astrology. I was born on November 25, which means…
Mom: I’m tired of you always chirping about this. “Look at me! I’m Chris! I was born on the cusp! Look at my cusp! Don’t I have a big, hard cusp?” You’re spoiled, is what your problem is.
Losers – Astrology; rational thought
“Mice Are Disgusting”
(Tulane Chris vs. Meg McBlogger)
TC: I’m buying a shotgun.
Meg: I said I’d let you do those Netflix reviews. Settle down.
TC: No, we have mice and they won’t get in the traps and die. I’m raising the stakes.
Meg: Are you kidding me?! I love mice! They’re cute and they have little tails. When I lived in Brooklyn we had a little mouse and I named her “Heidi Mousetag.” I taught her how to run through a maze I built out of a pile of empty beer bottles.
TC: Mice shit everywhere. If something’s going to shit in my kitchen it’s going to be me.
Meg: Everything shits. I don’t think your shit-free world is very realistic, hippie.
TC: I’m going to shit on your counter and see if you like it.
Meg: Try it, toaster strudel. You make me go across the street and put in my headphones if you have to go while I’m at your apartment. You couldn’t shit on a countertop for a million dollars.
Winner – rodent-borne plagues.
TC: I’m buying a shotgun.
Meg: I said I’d let you do those Netflix reviews. Settle down.
TC: No, we have mice and they won’t get in the traps and die. I’m raising the stakes.
Meg: Are you kidding me?! I love mice! They’re cute and they have little tails. When I lived in Brooklyn we had a little mouse and I named her “Heidi Mousetag.” I taught her how to run through a maze I built out of a pile of empty beer bottles.
TC: Mice shit everywhere. If something’s going to shit in my kitchen it’s going to be me.
Meg: Everything shits. I don’t think your shit-free world is very realistic, hippie.
TC: I’m going to shit on your counter and see if you like it.
Meg: Try it, toaster strudel. You make me go across the street and put in my headphones if you have to go while I’m at your apartment. You couldn’t shit on a countertop for a million dollars.
Winner – rodent-borne plagues.
[Ed. Note: I'm sorry Chris, but we argued for well over an hour last Friday night about who'd be a better "named dry hump", Eartha Kitt or Nigella Lawson, and you went with the mice argument for this post? Your choices intrigue me, sir. Also, VIVA HEIDI MOUSETAG, as seen here in her luxury shoebox condo.]
“No, It Just Sounds Like It All Sounds the Same”
(Tulane Chris vs. Stoner Boyfriend from 2005)
Stoner Boyfriend: You want to smoke some pot?
TC: No, it makes me anxious and nauseated. It’s too much like not being stoned. Do you have any liquor?
Stoner Boyfriend: No. You should smoke pot. It’s natural.
TC: Yes, I bet all those years of selective breeding and Mexican pesticides to really brought out the rich dankness of God’s creation. Are you sure you don’t have any liquor?
Stoner Boyfriend: Just relax. I’ll put on some tunes. There, listen to that jam.
TC: I don’t like reggae.
Stoner Boyfriend: Sure you do. Here, listen. Hit this and it’ll make sense.
TC: It all sounds exactly the same.
Stoner Boyfriend: No, it doesn’t.
TC: It does! What’s the name of this song? Tell me without looking.
Stoner Boyfriend: Uh. Jah… deh… lion of Judah…
TC: Safe bet. I hate reggae.
Stoner Boyfriend: You just haven’t heard enough. Here, listen to this.
TC: It’s exactly the same, except now the lyrics are about beating gay people to death in the streets. Did you think we were going to make out to this? This sucks.
Stoner Boyfriend (eyes narrowing): Narc.
Loser – Any credibility my taste in men had.
“Your Mom Has a Gender”
Stoner Boyfriend: You want to smoke some pot?
TC: No, it makes me anxious and nauseated. It’s too much like not being stoned. Do you have any liquor?
Stoner Boyfriend: No. You should smoke pot. It’s natural.
TC: Yes, I bet all those years of selective breeding and Mexican pesticides to really brought out the rich dankness of God’s creation. Are you sure you don’t have any liquor?
Stoner Boyfriend: Just relax. I’ll put on some tunes. There, listen to that jam.
TC: I don’t like reggae.
Stoner Boyfriend: Sure you do. Here, listen. Hit this and it’ll make sense.
TC: It all sounds exactly the same.
Stoner Boyfriend: No, it doesn’t.
TC: It does! What’s the name of this song? Tell me without looking.
Stoner Boyfriend: Uh. Jah… deh… lion of Judah…
TC: Safe bet. I hate reggae.
Stoner Boyfriend: You just haven’t heard enough. Here, listen to this.
TC: It’s exactly the same, except now the lyrics are about beating gay people to death in the streets. Did you think we were going to make out to this? This sucks.
Stoner Boyfriend (eyes narrowing): Narc.
Loser – Any credibility my taste in men had.
“Your Mom Has a Gender”
(Tulane Chris vs. Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie)
TC: I think the next time I finish on a guy’s face, I’m going to try to make a handlebar mustache. I might have to save up for a couple of days to have enough of a supply, but I think it’ll be worth it.
E-C-B E: That’s disgusting.
TC: It doesn’t get stale. It’ll be fine. Or did you mean that I should go for muttonchops?
E-C-B E: That’s so antifeminist.
TC: I doubt there’s going to even be a woman in the room, but if there is I’ll pay her the same rate.
E-C-B E: That’s not what I’m talking about. You don’t understand the theory.
TC: I’m not sure if you understand how this works. Most guys will only let you do that so you’ll let them do it to you. It’s very egalitarian. Very free to be you and me. Of course, you don’t let them do it to you – not unless you’re some kind of faggot – but in theory there’s all that give-and-take you League of Women Voters broads seem to…
E-C-B E: The League of Women Voters were quitters. We should have taken the vote from men, not shared it, and if you call me a broad again I’ll Valerie Solanas you right in the nards.
Winner – Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie, despite a clear below-the-belt shot.
“Twat Did You Say? I Cun’t Understand You”
TC: I think the next time I finish on a guy’s face, I’m going to try to make a handlebar mustache. I might have to save up for a couple of days to have enough of a supply, but I think it’ll be worth it.
E-C-B E: That’s disgusting.
TC: It doesn’t get stale. It’ll be fine. Or did you mean that I should go for muttonchops?
E-C-B E: That’s so antifeminist.
TC: I doubt there’s going to even be a woman in the room, but if there is I’ll pay her the same rate.
E-C-B E: That’s not what I’m talking about. You don’t understand the theory.
TC: I’m not sure if you understand how this works. Most guys will only let you do that so you’ll let them do it to you. It’s very egalitarian. Very free to be you and me. Of course, you don’t let them do it to you – not unless you’re some kind of faggot – but in theory there’s all that give-and-take you League of Women Voters broads seem to…
E-C-B E: The League of Women Voters were quitters. We should have taken the vote from men, not shared it, and if you call me a broad again I’ll Valerie Solanas you right in the nards.
Winner – Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie, despite a clear below-the-belt shot.
“Twat Did You Say? I Cun’t Understand You”
(Mom vs. Dad vs. Dad’s dental structure, I guess)
Mom: Where is your father?
TC: At work.
Mom: I’m proud of him. People come up to me all the time and tell me how brave he is to teach with that speech impediment.
TC: He doesn’t have a speech impediment.
Mom: He does. You probably just can’t hear it.
TC: What is it, then?
Mom: Oh, you know, that thing with his speech. It’s hard to explain.
Later…
TC: Mom said something about your brave struggle against a speech impediment? It was very Lifetime.
Dad: Your mother brings that up every twenty-eight days, ever since her hysterectomy. Her personality demands that she do something maddening on a regular cycle, and now that her hormones are on an even keel - the only thing about her that is, incidentally – she’s locked onto sspeech pathology as a PMSS placceholder.
TC: Oh, heyo. Your S’s are kind of fucked up. I wouldn’t have noticed if no one had pointed it out.
Winners – Delta Burke, Bronson Pinchot, and Jonathon Taylor Thomas, who played us in the Lifetime Movie Dr. McBlogger’s S’s: Portrait of a Marriage.
“Speaking of Delta Burke…”
Mom: Where is your father?
TC: At work.
Mom: I’m proud of him. People come up to me all the time and tell me how brave he is to teach with that speech impediment.
TC: He doesn’t have a speech impediment.
Mom: He does. You probably just can’t hear it.
TC: What is it, then?
Mom: Oh, you know, that thing with his speech. It’s hard to explain.
Later…
TC: Mom said something about your brave struggle against a speech impediment? It was very Lifetime.
Dad: Your mother brings that up every twenty-eight days, ever since her hysterectomy. Her personality demands that she do something maddening on a regular cycle, and now that her hormones are on an even keel - the only thing about her that is, incidentally – she’s locked onto sspeech pathology as a PMSS placceholder.
TC: Oh, heyo. Your S’s are kind of fucked up. I wouldn’t have noticed if no one had pointed it out.
Winners – Delta Burke, Bronson Pinchot, and Jonathon Taylor Thomas, who played us in the Lifetime Movie Dr. McBlogger’s S’s: Portrait of a Marriage.
“Speaking of Delta Burke…”
(Mom vs. My First Attempt at a Screenwriting Career)
TC: Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie and I are going to write a sitcom!
Mom: I thought you were both busy with that gay thing.
TC: Right, but we’re allowed fifteen minutes of recreation between Will and Grace and bedtime. We’ll have to focus pretty hard, but it’s worth doing. Anyway, the “you” character is going to be played by Delta Burke, we hope! Isn’t that cool?
Mom: Oh, so I’m fat and shallow, am I?
TC: No, uh… you’ve lost a lot of weight…
Winner – Adams Media, since because my first sitcom attempt failed, and my second attempt failed, I’m free to co-write a book for them.
TC: Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie and I are going to write a sitcom!
Mom: I thought you were both busy with that gay thing.
TC: Right, but we’re allowed fifteen minutes of recreation between Will and Grace and bedtime. We’ll have to focus pretty hard, but it’s worth doing. Anyway, the “you” character is going to be played by Delta Burke, we hope! Isn’t that cool?
Mom: Oh, so I’m fat and shallow, am I?
TC: No, uh… you’ve lost a lot of weight…
Winner – Adams Media, since because my first sitcom attempt failed, and my second attempt failed, I’m free to co-write a book for them.
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