1.04.2011

Kicking off the year right with some sweet, hot FAQ-ing

Q: Well, well, well...look what the cat dragged in.

A: Sigh. I guess I deserved that. Hello again to you.

Q: Where have you been?

A: It was the holidays! We were on vacation!

Q: Do you think you really do enough around here to warrant a "vacation"?

A: I have my productive moments here and there, thank you.

Q: I'm going to move on because it's the New Year and I'm feeling forgiving.

A: And I thank you for it.

Q: So how was your little vacation?

A: Not bad, thanks.

Q: What did you and Chris do?

A: Chris did a lot of jet-setting, I got heinously sick, almost died, slowly bounced back, and watched a lot of House Hunters International on my parent's couch.

Q: Sounds about right. You ever going to get your tonsils out?

A: You ever going to start your own blog like you're always talking about?

Q: ..............Touché. Speaking of your parents, how are Rich and Di?

A: Uh, incredibly sick of me, I'm sure.

Q: Why?

A: I divided my time at their house evenly between following my mom around and asking her for "hugsies", shouting colorful racial slurs at Evie, and making fun of my dad's Panamanian Relaxation Room.

Q: Well you just sound like a little treat, don't you? No wonder you're single.

A: IT'S A LIFESTYLE CHOICE.

Q: Well I just don't have the physical or emotional strength to touch that comment with a 30-foot pole, so let's just get down to brass tacks, shall we? Three fiscal quarters ago you said you guys had some big news. What gives?

A: We do have big news! And we can finally tell you! Chris and I are writing a book!

Q: What, like just for funsies?

A: No, like for realzies. Like someone is paying us.

Q: In Confederate dollars?

A: NOPE, get this—in American dollars. Like, legal tender.

Q: STFU!

A: I know, right?!

Q: I can't believe you didn't tell us sooner, a-hole!

A: I know! I wanted to, but we couldn't for legal reasons. But if it makes you feel any better, I swear I was thinking about you the entire time, baby.

Q: Were you really?

A: No. Well, some of the time. Mostly I was just thinking about which utilities usually get shut off first so I know in what order to pay my bills.

Q: What came out on top?

A: Cable and Internet.

Q: You really struggle with that one, don't you?

A: I really do.

Q: How much do you pay a month, if you don't mind me asking?

A: I refuse to tell you because I'm fully aware of how astronomically high it is and I don't want another lecture.

Q: You know, if you call Comcast and ask them what they can do to lower your bill, they're usually pretty helpful.

A: So I've been told.

Q: So why don't you just do it?

A: Honestly? Because it sounds like a giant pain in the ass and a huge hassle and like a conversation I don't want to have and I just...can't. There it is. I just can't.

Q: So, it's easier to wait for a book deal to come along than to have a 20-minute phone conversation with—

A: Please just get back to questions about the book. I'm begging you.

Q: So will this be another literary treat from the fine people at Olney Elementary School Press?

A: No! We were approached by a legit publisher, if you can believe that.

Q: Well, frankly I can't, so let's name names.

A: We're very excited to be working with Adams Media.

Q: What else have they published?

A: UHHH, just a little slice of the American Literary Pie called Why Men Love Bitches. No big deal.
Photobucket

Q: So what's your book? Why Men Love Lazy, Apathetic Bloggers?

A: No. Mostly because I've discovered that they do not, but we are writing a tong-in-cheek guide to life for misanthropes.

Q: What's a misanthrope?

A: Well, you'll just have to wait and buy our book to find out. And/or Google it.

Q: Per Wikipedia: Misanthropy is generalized dislike, distrust, disgust, contempt or hatred of the human species, human nature, or society. A misanthrope is someone who holds such views or feelings.

Well, they certainly came to the right people.

A: That's what I said!

Q: I don't mean to rain on your little parade here, but do you think it's flattering that when they needed an author for a book about misanthropes, they came to you?

A: Here's the thing, I'm honestly not an anti-social person. In fact, I think I'm incredibly social! I'm just social with people I deem worthy of being social with. It's everyone else who can go to hell.

Q: Yeah...I think you just defined "misanthrope" right there.

A: Well, either way, I'm excited and it's been fun to write.

Q: How much progress have you guys made thus far?

A: We've written a chapter and some other stuffs.

Q: You've written a chapter and "some other stuffs", she says. Watch out David Sedaris.

A: Alright, alright...pipe down.

Q: So you've joined the ranks of blogs-turned-books, 'eh?

A: Well, not really. The book is going to be 100% new material and has nothing to do with the blog, except that we're writing it.

Q: If I liked the blog, will I like the book?

A: Well, I stress again that we only have a chapter and some other...works, but yes, from what we have so far, I think you will. I wrote a pretty solid Olive Garden joke last night that I was particularly proud of.

Q: If I hate your blog, will I like the book?

A: Ah, sure.

Q: How's the collaboration with Chris going?

A: For two people who "don't work well with others", absurdly well!

Q: O0o0ooo00ooo! Think there's any chance that this project will rekindle some old romantic flames?

A: Probably not.

Q: Why?

A: Because he's a homosexual and I'm still stalking John Larroquette.

Q: And how's that going for you?

A: Not...well.

Q: While I applaud you for getting a book deal, I'm scared that you're going to go the way of so many blogs-turned-books and stop posting all together.

A: What do you care, I thought you didn't like us?

Q: I don't, but that doesn't mean I don't read you everyday.

A: Wait...are you Mike?

Q: No, I'm your subconscious.

A: ARE THEY ONE IN THE SAME?! Is "Mike" the manifestation of my innermost fears and anxieties about my writing?

Q: No, I'm pretty sure he's a real person with a large amount of time on his hands and decent Internet access.

A: Great, you just opened the flood gates for an obnoxious comment re: that statement.

Q: Well, someones got to keep him from jerking off in the bathroom. Now answer the question.

A: We won't stop posting. Girl Scout's honor. 2b1b isn't going anywhere.

Q: That doesn't inspire much confidence; we all know you were a piss-poor Girl Scout.

A: I swear on Friar Tuck's Key of Technology that we'll keep posting.

Q: And I'll take it! Are you putting the book out in your pen name or real name?

A: Real name.

Q: Oh shit, so you're outing yourself?

A: Yep.

Q: So what's your real last name?

A: Well I'm not going to tell you now!

Q: Why not? Gotta do it some time.

A: I don't know...this just seems so...anti-climactic.

Q: We're outing your last name, not finding Osama.

A: I don't know. It feels weird.

Q: Well, when's the book coming out?

A: I'm not entirely sure, but we'll obviously keep you posted.

Q: Can you come to my town for a book signing slash hang-out session??

A: We'd love to! But I'm not sure how that works yet. You can always shoot us an email and we'll forward it to our editor so he knows what's up.

Q: It's going to be embarrassing when no one does that.

A: MIKE!

Q: So now that you finally got a book deal, is this the end of the old Meggles as we know it? Are you up there on your high-horse, all too good for your shit-show of a life now?

A: Well, considering since getting said book deal I've had not one, but two credit cards denied at a walk-in clinic and recently paid for a tall Earl Grey tea at Starbucks with, I shit you not, a Ziploc bag full of nickels and dimes so I could mooch off their wi-fi, I'd say no, I don't think much has really changed. I'm pretty sure I'm still not even on a horse, nevertheless a particularly high one.

Q: Good. Because I like you down there in the mud.

A: Well, here I shall be if you need me.

Q: So I'll see you here tomorrow?

A: I w...ouldn't have it any other way.

Q: ...You were going to say, "I wish I could quit you," weren't you?

A: Is that "over"? That's over, right?

Q: Yeah. It's a little 2005.

A: So what's the 2011 equivalent?

Q: I don't know. You're the one people pay to be funny.

A: I will........see....you..tomorrow.

Q: Can't wait for the book, Meg.

60 comments:

kerri said...

AWESOME MEG! I just finished reading Why Men MARRY Bitches.... haha.... Effing great, happy for you!!

Max said...

GAAAH congratulations guys! SO exciting!

Rayanne Graff said...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! This is the most exciting thing to happen ALL YEAR!!! All 4 days of it so far!!!

There aren't enough exclamation marks in the WHOLE OF THE INTERNET to express my excitement at your joyous news. Wait, that sounds like you're having a baby. Which I guess you are. A bound, paper baby.

Congrats! Please dedicate it to "Mike".

Anonymous said...

omfg! congrats and can't wait!

Anonymous said...

CONGRATSSS! I CANT WAIT TO READ THE BOOK!

Laura said...

Congrats!! I can't wait to read the book! I'm sure you can get your readers to make it on the NY Times best seller list fo' sho'.

Krystina said...

I don't normally comment, but I wanted to say Congrats!!

Very excited for the book :D

Anonymous said...

I hope they put it in ebook format!

kate said...

YESSSSSSSS I WILL COME TO A BOOK SIGNING AND BUY ALL YOUR BOOKS AND GIVE THEM OUT AS CHRISTMAS GIFTS.

Meg #2 said...

Meg, I am SO HAPPY for you guys! Do you know that I honestly worry about you sometimes? I have a younger brother who has similar... life choices, and often I feel like I worry aloud about you two in the same sentence, but nobody knows who I'm talking about when I say your name - or rather, we have the same name, so they just think I'm getting a tad schizo... aaaanyway - honestly I am just so happy that things are looking up for you!!! Come to Boston on your whirlwind book tour!!!

Courtney said...

Congratulations Meg and TC! Cannot wait and I second Meg #2, come to boston

Nat said...

Cheers to the book deal! Even though I totally plan on buying the book, please please please don't stop blogging. I can get away with reading a blog at work, but not a book.

Oh, and I demand a post on the Panamanian Relaxation Room.

Anonymous said...

Congrats!!!
I'm totally buying the book....as long as it's under $20. I love you guys but I'm pretty much homeless right now.

thanksies!!!

Meg said...

Congratulations! And about time, too.

MG said...

Congrats on the book deal!!!

Sam @ SSB said...

Thoroughly looking forward to reading this, congratulations! You're gonna be Meg McBlogger & Tulane Chris, Published Authors & All-Around BAMFs

Sara said...

!!!

BOOM. This is exciting, one step closer to you and TC taking over the world. Which, by the way, is a world I'd be completely content living in.

allison said...

You deserve it! Congrats!

Courtney said...

Well happy freakin' new year to YOU! That's amazing news. Mike is probably jacking off in the bathroom at work in complete and utter joy! Congratulations!!! :)

B said...

What is your mom's limit for hugsies?

Nate said...

Meist,

*Head explodes*

Congratulations! I fully expect to be mentioned somewhere in the book, if not in the dedication.

Also, when I have the internet in my apartment again, I'm going to write you tons of emails demanding a national book tour. I live in Atlanta now (as of 3 days ago)... and it's not too far away to visit on a book tour.

Love,
Dr. Sinners

toppe said...

yaaaaaaay!!! im so excited i could pee!

(and a ziplock baggie of nickles and dimes sure beats a martini glass of them, so i say things are moving up!)

Michael said...

Congrats on the Booksies!

We're officially holiday break buddies, as I did the exact same thing.

I admit there is something cathartic about watching a french couple with "small children" (in the words of Suzanne Whang) take on a huge dilapidated chateau only to return months later to see they're living out of a stucco shack with a hot pot.

Linda said...

Congratulations! Come to Los Angeles!

Emz321 said...

Yay I'm so excited for you guys, you totally deserve this! Don't forget to remember your loyal readers and supporters when you make it BIG!How can we pre-order and please come to Idaho for a signing?! I can save the publishers $$ by letting you bunk at my house...sleeepover!!!

Lucky and Gizzy said...

Wowza! Congrats!

Ashley Hasty said...

Hi!!
I'm Ashley and the author of the blog A Hasty Life. I just started the well-known challenge 30 for 30. I chose 30 articles of clothing to wear for 30 days. I would love for you to bop on over to my blog and follow me as I attempt this challenge!

<3 Ashley
www.ahastylife.com

Anonymous said...

What phenomenal news! It has been so frustrating seeing such tremendous talent not being remunerated. I'm thrilled for you and I cannot wait to read the book!

Anonymous said...

When you reveal your name I am going to find you and make you be my friend:c) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Uy8D_KsdyA

KT said...

Yay! That is so exciting!! Congrats!

Denise said...

I can't wait for the book Meg either!

Talia said...

well done sir

Adria said...

Victoreeee!

Living the dream.

mej said...

I will buy the shit outta your book!

Elliot said...

Wait, I'm 99% sure you've posted your last name on this blog before. I pretty clearly remember seeing your name on here, Facebooking it (if you admit stalking it makes you not creepy right?) and seeing that we have a dozen mutual friends. Is it supposed to be a big secret?

Ruby said...

Huzzah!! Its about time. Looking forward to updates :)

Anonymous said...

YAYAYAY!!!! congratulations!!!!! :)

Elizabeth said...

Well hot damn! As an avid reader for 3+ years (and never a comment hater, a thankyou very much), I feel somewhat responsible for this book deal. So, you're welcome!

Amanda said...

YAY! That is great news. Make sure they put it out in Kindle version as well :)

Johanna said...

Hi Meg!
I've been following your blog since... a long time but never commented. Your struggle to get sponsored has finally paid off, only better! Well done and good luck with the book!

Speaking of paying with nickels, when I lived in Scotland we got shit pay so me and my flat mates saved all one and two pennies in an old cardboard, Lacoste Pink perfume box to survive the last week each month. Imagine our luck when Tesco introduced self check-out! We never had to face the annoyed cashiers but instead got pissed looks from EVERYONE behind us in the queue. Good times.

Anyways, you have dedicated readers in Sweden and we just frickin love you.
CONGRATS, you deserve this!

Sara said...

Congrats guys! Can't wait to read the book!

MARJORIE said...

well played, madam and sir, well played!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I've been reading your blog for years and I still can't get enough Meg and Chris. The book is going to be awesome I can feel it!!!

Timothy said...

You do have an editor, correct? There are no take backsies on a published book. Just looking out.

I promise to read it during work hours.

Anonymous said...

CONGRATS!!!

Meghan said...

CONGRATS!! That is so exciting!
I hope you come to Boston for a book tour, I'll buy your book the second it hits the shelves!

Lolo said...

SOOOOOOO EXCITING! I can't wait to read it on the subway and crack the F up in public. Eventually other people on the subway will look at people who are chortling while reading your books with the same knowing look they reserve for Sedaris. Can't wait for that day!

Anna said...

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! IM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!! i hope the book comes out the day i land, and ill have them copter me onto your pool roof and ill dive right into your literary lil heart! BEST NEWS EVER! CONGRATS, OH REN ISH IE EE! i knew all the hard work and suffering would be worth it <3

Anna said...

I'm so excited!

Colleen said...

I am so excited for this!! Congrats Meg and Chris!

Stephanie said...

oh myyy godddd I am going to buy 95 zillion copies of this book and distribute them in the streets. I love this blog so much it's embarrassing. One day you'll be super famous writers and I can say "yeah? well, one time I voted for 2b1b in a blogs contest and Meg McBlogger mailed me a handwritten note and some stickers. Suck on ma dick." Congratulations you guys!!!!

Mrs. B said...

At the tender age of 16 I had just been dumped by my first real boyfriend. I was depressed, sad, and traumatized. My mother suggested I buy a book about relationships to help me out. (she's more the hands-off type) I marched on down to Barnes and Noble and bought "WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES." I kid you not. I read the whole thing and highlighted key phrases. I'll tell you what... I got really bitchy and for the next 5 or so years I got a lot of dates,dinners, and gifts. and I didn't put out. I'm just sayin'

Mrs. B said...

Oh and Comcast (those ass holes)
1) Call them up and say "I want to cancel my service"
2) you are sent to the retention department
3) They ask you why. You say, It has gotten really expensive and I can't afford it.
4) They say "hmm lemme see. What if we lower it by $whatever$ for 3 months?"
5) you say "No thank you, I'm looking for a price that's more permanent. Dish/AT&T/Direct/Tin can and tin foil has better deals for up to a year."
6) They say "what if we lower the price for 6 months" (or even a year)
7) You say "I appreciate you helping me find a price that works within my budget, thank you I will take it."
BAM - you bamboozled comcast.
8) If the conversation doesn't go as pleasant as I described you pull emotions and issues from your soul and have an all out hissy-fit. I went ballistic once... crying, yelling... about how not having free HBO was ruining my life. Cried to the manager etc... life is so unfair!! I ended up with free HBO for 6 months, high-speed internet, DVR, and upgraded cable package for $92 for 12 months.

Anonymous said...

YAY CONGRATS!!!!!

pook555 said...

Yay Meg!! So exciting!! Congrats!!

Anonymous said...

tour that shizz in seattle!

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