Putting the "Wa?" in The War of Northern Aggression. (Nope. That was horrible. I'm so sorry.)

First and foremost, I'd just like to give everyone a quick Joe Biden & The BFDs update: STRIDES. We are making strides, thank you.

1.) I forgot that Helena's boyfriend, Jonathan, actually plays the keyboard and guitar, so if he teaches Helena to play the keyboard and hops on guitar, we're two giant steps closer to releasing our first EP, "This Is a Big Fucking Deal".

2.) I referred to Jonathan in passing as Helena's "Tandoori Boyfriend" the other day, and while I'm not saying it wasn't slightly racist, I'm also not saying it wasn't slightly hilarious. Ergo, our new band name is Joe Biden & The BFD's, featuring Tandoori Boyfriend. Plus, if No Doubt has taught us anything, it's that it's always a good idea to get an attractive Indian guy in the mix. That and I wouldn't hate if Claire's started selling bindis again.

3.) This has nothing to do with the band, but Andrew and I got into a conversation the other day about what Camryn Manheim's been up to and thanks to my TV being muted on WE all day, I now have the answer: she's on Ghost Whisperer. K. I feel better.

4.) I also totally forgot that Laura plays the violin, which means we could get some ironic fiddle action going and ain't nothin' wrong with that. I mean, it worked for The Decemberists and Arcade Fire. That and I know for a fact she can play "The Devil Went Down to Georgia", which is a point of pride that I know all the words to. Ergo, we are now three steps closer to our first EP.

5.) I found an iphone app that teaches you to play the bass guitar. Best idea ever or BEST IDEA EVER? I'm going to my parent's house to borrow my car tomorrow and you bet your Biden I'm going to grab my bass as well. Although I highly doubt it's in tune anymore. And I don't know how to tune it. I guess I could put an ad on Craigslist for someone to come over and tune it for me? Although it might be kind of hard to play the it when I'm a lampshade... Choices. I'm going to stop typing my inner monologue now.

6.) Uh, just kidding, because in addition to Jennifer Love Hewitt, did you know that Jeremy London, a very bloated Jamie Kennedy, and Rachael Leigh Cook are on Ghost Whisperer? I feel like I just found a mass grave filled with 1998.

7.) Also, Rachel Leigh Cooke doesn't look that horrible with blond hair, which I find shocking and unfair because we have similar coloring, yet when I had blond hair I looked like a raging meth addict with a failed home daycare center.

See? Strides.

If you know me at all, you know that there are four things on my bucket list:

1.) Stand in a cranberry bog

2.) Own a confederate flag bikini

3.) Have sex in a hot tub (I'm aware of the health risks, thank you, but I'd still like to go for it.)

4.) Direct and star in a training montage set to Al Corley's "Square Rooms"

I was doing some research on #2 the other night, as you do, when I came across the most perplexing bumper sticker I have ever seen in my entire life:


I just don't get it. I JUST. DON'T. GET IT. And I don't mean that in a, "Ohhh, how could anyone put something so offensive on their car??" kind of way, I mean that I literally don't understand what message that bumper sticker is trying to convey. And it's all that I think about now. It has consumed my life. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the only thing I think about when I go to bed. I think about it in the shower, I think about it when I'm getting ready, I think about it when I'm riding the metro, I think about it when I'm hanging out with friends, I think about it when I'm watching TV, I think about it when I'm writing—it's completely taken over my life. Because I need to know: If you'd known what?

If I had known this. "THIS". WHAT IS THIS?! If we take away the writing, we're left with a small Battle Flag of the Confederacy in the corner of a large white plane, which is The Second Confederate Navy Ensign, or "The Stainless Banner":

So had this person know something about The Second Confederate Navy Ensign, they would have picked their own cotton? Let's just ignore that that's specifically the Stainless Banner and accept that it represents the cause of the Confederacy, right? Well, I still don't fucking get it. Because the question remains: if I had known WHAT?? Known that the South would secede from the Union? Know that they'd fail? Know that there'd be a civil war? I've been polling pretty much every single person I've come in contact with in the past week and a half, and while we've come up with some theories, I'm not really in love with any of them.

1.) My original theory was that it's an anti-Confederate bumper sticker. I thought it meant like, had I known there would be a giant civil war that would give birth to generations of bitter, racist redneck assholes, I would have picked my own cotton. Because if I had I picked my own cotton, there would have never been slavery, and if there had never been slavery, there would have never been a war, and if there had never been a war, the Confederacy would have never existed, and had the Confederacy never existed, we wouldn't have bitter, racist redneck assholes today. There are two problems with this theory, however. First, there's just something about the phrase "picked my own cotton" that doesn't feel terribly sympathetic. I feel like it's a pretty good rule of thumb in general that:





Confederate flag



Also, the bumper sticker is sold on a scary, southern, I-listen-to-a-lot-of-3-Doors-Down-and-might-bring-a-gun-to-my-school-and-just-let-it-all-wash-over-me website. They sell a lot of intense-looking gun accessories, scopes, silencers, knives, bullets, and absurdly racist novelties. My personal favorite is the pack of five "FEMA Gold'n Tickets".


The front says: "Bearer of this ticket is entitled to one free house, a hot tub, a 60" plasma TV, your choice of a Volvo or BMW(may be preowned), a lifetime supply of food, all hair care products, lots O' Bling Bling, 2 voter registration cards, and grants holder permission to bitch about not git'n what they should be git'n from the govenrment. Offer Void to Republicans, Taxpayers or Any Other Productive Members of Society."

And the back: "This Ticket Will Allow The Bearer To Move To The Front Of The Welfare Line And To Get A Free Bottle Of Mad Dog 20/20 Anywhere That is Accepted!"

...OOOF. It's not not flagrantly racist. Not quite as good, but still pretty enjoyable is the Headlines From the Year 2029 poster, featuring: "Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut." HA HA, sexism.

My point being, this doesn't really seem like a website that would sell anti-Confederate anything.

2.) My parents' theory is that it's re: "uppity black people", if you will. (And I won't, but I will temporarily for the sake of sussing this out.) Like, if I had known that the slaves would be freed and become so uppity, I would have picked my own cotton. Or conversely, you could look at it in a "FEMA Gold'n Ticket" kind of way and interpret it as, if I had known that one day the slaves would be free and all our tax money would go to supporting them, I would have picked my own cotton. I mean, it works, but I'm not like, "OHHHHH, duh," you know? It doesn't click. I need it to click. (And again, I stress that my parents and I don't agree with any of this, we're just trying to get my life back.)

3.) Piggybacking off the UBP theory, what if it's an Obama thing? If you dissociate this from the rebel flag and assume that the rebel flag is only there to let us know that WARNING: shit's about to get rull racist, it could be like, if I had known that one day the slaves would be free and one of them would become the President, I would have picked my own cotton? Again, it works, but I don't think it's the winner. Mostly because rednecks aren't terribly well-versed in the art of subtlety:





4.) I was really banking on Laura having the answer because she was a history major, and in my mind that means she has the answer to everything. Her best guess was, if I had known that the South would lose and it would be a giant hot-mess, I would have picked my own cotton. And...yeah, I guess. But again, it doesn't quite hit the spot.

So then I took a page from my own book and decided to do what I did when I couldn't figure out what "hit the switch" meant in Dr. Dre's "Xxplosive": I emailed a webmaster.
To whom it may concern: 

I'm putting together a care package for my brother who's fighting overseas in Afghanistan and I just want to clarify the meaning of one of your bumper stickers. Can you tell me what: "If I had known this, I would have picked my own cotton," means? We are from South Carolina and he has lots of Southern pride, so I just want to be sure the guys over there will like it. Again my email is meghan.c.xxxxxxx@gmail.com. 
God bless! 
- Meghan

And to my shock, those assholes totally didn't email me back! Which doesn't make sense because that email had everything: a brother overseas, The Troops, Afghanistan, South Carolina, Southern pride, "over there", God bless!—COME ON! So basically my well-crafted email to a small Internet boutique owner failed miserably, whereas the email I sent to Dr. Dre's webmaster in 2002 saying, "Hi, Meg here. I'm a big Dre. Dre fan, but I can't figure out what 'hit the switch' means and it's driving me crazy. Please advise," actually got results. There is just so much I don't understand in this world...

So I'm turning to you, Internetz. What the hell does that bumper sticker mean?! Crack the code and I'll give you a free SOLD OUT Sorr About the Bag tote bag. Good luck and God speed. In the mean time, I'll be researching something I can actually wrap my head around—cranberry bogs and hot tubs.


Anonymous said...

Hmm, I would go with your #2 theory, but I have no idea. Now this is going to bother me too. Haha

On a related note, about 5 years ago I was driving home from college through middle-of-nowhere WV and saw the most offensive bumper sticker I have ever seen in my life. Sticking with the theme of confederate flags and racism today- it was featured on the back window of a red pick up truck and it was a confederate flag and at the bottom it read "Coon Hunter." I know. I feel racist telling people about it. I tried to call my mom (to cry) but wouldn't you know, there was no cell phone service.

Anyway, at least now I have an idea as to where this guy would have purchased something like that...

AndrewNew said...

After reading through most of the bumper stickers on that website ( and feeling the need to shower, again ) the general theme of many of the stickers is just white people do all the work now and black people get all the benefits like welfare and food stamps? I know, horribly racist, but that seems to be the theme. So, had they picked their own cotton and not had slaves they would be better off today in their mind no reparations, food stamps, welfare, diversity quotas etc (because no white people benefit from said social programs.

But Ms. Lippy, one thing I don't get is all the hatred towards Rosie O'Donnell like someone hates her enough to put that on their bumper? Also, the sticker "Jesse Jackson for White House Intern" confuses me.... So you want him to blow Obama? So racist and homophobic? Got it.

I'll be anxiously waiting for my Sorr about the bag, bag for my senior thesis on race relations and bumper sticker humor.

Congrats on the book deal Meg!


Anonymous said...

OK, OK...
"If I had known that n__s would be successful through no effort of their own, have gold'n tickets & be president, I would have become one (NOT, I'm white, so I know better)."
I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin it creeps me that I get it.

Unknown said...

Meg, I vote for theory #2 "UBP" as well. It just seems to fit best. And I fully understand your conundrum, soph year of college I saw a girl in a "50% Single" Shirt and it still baffles me to this day.

I always check 2b1b first thing in the morning and try to hold off reading it but this was too good.

Anonymous said...

AND.. the NOT is a bit subtle...After all, it's MY cotton, so this could not happen!
You're welcome.

Jones said...

Here is my thought, that 'this' is the Confederacy and the sticker speaks to those who believe in the Confederacy in terms of state and individual's rights adn not so much the slavery. So the sticker bearer supports the Confederacy but is saying that if it had succeeded they would have picked their own cotton, supporting the Confederacy just not slavery. Makes sense especially now with all the opposition to 'big government', bailouts, health care etc.

And congrats on the book deal!

Jeff C said...

I would assume "this" is referring to the social policies and programs in America that the creators of this website think (wrongly) only benefit minorities.

The confederate flag suggests that they are linking slavery/end of slavery to these programs, so maybe they are referring to a specific event in antebellum south which lead to the reliance on slaves/slavery in the southern economy. Could this possibly be the invention of the Cotton Gin?


I am giving the dumbass "author" of this bumper sticker too much credit, but I think the sticker can be rewritten as: "If I had known the invention of the cotton gin would cause a massive increase of slave labor, increase tensions between the north and south and ultimately to war the result of which lead to social programs that benefit minorities, I would have picked my own cotton."

Yep, I feel awful for writing that and it's definately a stretch.

Congrats on the book deal!

Anonymous said...

i had to ask my friend bc i was so confused, but he thinks it means, and i quote, "if he had known that bringing blacks into this country would have caused all the problems that blacks in this country have caused, he would have never gotten the slaves in the first place, and therefore pick his own cotton"


Anonymous said...

I agree with AndrewNew's thesis... I agree that is what the bumber sticker means..not agree with the meaning of coarse!

Helena said...

Tandoori Boyfriend has offered to tune your bass, but says you may need new strings.

Also, I have yet to practice my keyboarding. Please don't kick me out of the band.

Mike K said...

I think it is a catch-all for theories 2 and 3, in that it can apply to not only the fact that Obama, a (half) black man is President, but that blacks in general have become a powerful voice in politics and government. So when said redneck purchases this bumper sticker to put on his 2004 Ford F-150, it says "I hate Obama" now, but in 20 years when he still has the same truck, albeit a bit more run down and rusty, the sticker still works in saying "I hate that black people can vote".

Anonymous said...

I agree with AndrewNew, I think it has to do with welfare. People really blow me away with these ridiculous things, it's really sad. However, your post definitely made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Ooh, I agree with Anonymous @ 9:21 AM. It had that "clicky" feeling for me. ("If I had known that bringing blacks into the U.S. to act as our slaves would have caused all of our country's current problems, I would have picked my own cotton.")

Caitlin said...

This one comes closest.

JANUARY 5, 2011 9:19 AM
Anonymous said...
i had to ask my friend bc i was so confused, but he thinks it means, and i quote, "if he had known that bringing blacks into this country would have caused all the problems that blacks in this country have caused, he would have never gotten the slaves in the first place, and therefore pick his own cotton"

BUT it's even more simple and hateful than that. It means that if we knew back then that bringing in slaves laborers from Africa would have resulted in this coexistence/being everywhere, then we would never have brought them over in the first place. Yes, as hateful as just not wanting them around.

-25 years of studying rural Tennessee rednecks.

Anonymous said...

Lots of discussion on this bumper sticker at this site http://www.atforumz.com/archive/index.php/t-189214.html

and I swear this isn't trolly (or whatever the right word is) I seriously wanted to find out what it meant so i google searched the phrase and this was the third link.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
i had to ask my friend bc i was so confused, but he thinks it means, and i quote, "if he had known that bringing blacks into this country would have caused all the problems that blacks in this country have caused, he would have never gotten the slaves in the first place, and therefore pick his own cotton"


January 5, 2011 9:21 AM

THAT is EXACTLY what i though/felt dirty writing it myself... so thanks anonymous!

yellaphant said...

I'm on board with Anon at 9:21 totes mcgoats. And now I don't know what's worse: that bumper sticker or the fact that the words "totes mcgoats" just popped into my head and I used it.

Tiffani said...

I don't think it's so much "all the problems that African Americans have caused" as much as it is "if I would have known they would stay and populate and thrive off greed and free handouts" I would have picked my own cotton. Black people only cause problems for:
a) people who allow themselves to be affected by others.
b) themselves.

Many here in the south still have bitter racist views that won't begin to dissipate until the oldest two generations pass. Generations XYZ will learn the difficulty in judging people based solely upon race. Can't hate a black dude from Louisiana and be friends with a dude that came from Africa. At that point you're just blaming the effects of American culture.

Also, I think many people fail to remember that blacks weren't the only people who went into slavery. Before blacks, white people (obviously the lowest on the societal totem pole) were pushed into forced labor.

Fuck. That's a tangent I hadn't planned on. In summation, I should add that I've never figured out the difference between affect and effect. So, sorry.

Also, order more bags. Totally need one.

thislittlebirdie said...


Please say more about the response from Dr. Dre's webmaster. I am dying to know the specifics of the reply.

I think the bumper sticker is an in-general, resentful, shit-talking fuck you. Like when you know you're wrong and that you've SO lost the argument but you're still flaming pissed and since you're all out of rational thoughts or actions, you just throw something of personal/sentimental value down in front of the person and say, "And you can keep your damn _______." Or you disparage some deeply personal or hard-earned contribution just to spite them. You're wrong, but you've been outsmarted/overpowered/outnumbered, and you're trying to save face by kicking the person in the shin on your way out.

That's what I see happening here. The racist rednecks are all out of rational thoughts or actions and they've been outsmarted, overpowered, and outnumbered, so they're just trying to throw sand in someone's eye. "You know all that cotton your ancestors picked? SHEEEEEIT, no big. I'd do that shit MYSELF if I'd known you were going to make things this unpleasant."

(I hope I win, I hope I win, I hope I win, NO WHAMMIES, NO WHAMMIES, NO WHAMMIES: STOP!)

NotablyNeurotic said...

I too agree with Anonymous who posted on January 5, 2011 at 9:21 AM.

"If we didn't go over to Africa with big boats and collect slaves like Pokemon cards, our country would be much better today. If I had known that black people would (insert all of the horribly racist things rednecks believe here), then I would have just saved myself the trouble, left them in Africa, and picked my own cotton."

That of course wouldn't fit on a bumper sticker, so they watered it down to what you found.

Anonymous said...

It means if I had known the black community would be able tp call every move white people make or don't make (I.e. Bush/Kanye) racist and cause the decendents of slave owners who havent done anything wrong to make it up to the slave decendents who have never been enslaved, then I'd have picked my own cotton.

matt.bufford said...

It's absolutely #3. And that's one of the most racist and offensive things I've ever seen (and I'm from GA, so I've seen a few confederate flags in my day). I can't believe people drive around with these on their cars. I mean, it's one thing to have these thoughts and feelings, but to display them so obviously is just ridiculous.

Nate Morawetz said...

I'm definitely going with Anon (9:21)

Seems to be saying that if "I (the person with the bumper sticker) had known that this (blacks being free and good for nothings in America) would have happened I would have picked my own cotton (because then there would be no blacks in America). Utterly and totally racist.

But it just makes sense that they wish slavery had never existed simply so that blacks wouldn't be in the country now.

AND OMFG BOOK DEAL WOAH! Right when I start reading your blog, you get a book deal. Coincidence? Probably.

Beth said...

I too had to ask a friend. I'm not saying I have redneck friends, but I guess I'm not NOT saying it either, since this kid goes by Redneck Brandon. This was his response, verbatim (spelling and all):
"Kinda like how everything is, how they always be holding that over our heads. Mayube not what it means but souinds good to me."

Anonymous said...

I agree with Anon @ 9:21 also.
Basically, they are saying "If I had known that slavery would lead to having black people live amongst us superior white people (and get all the welfare, etc.) then I would never have brought them here in the first place."

That was my initial interpretation.

Traci said...

First, I'm kind of dying to know what "hit the switch" means now.

Second, if you drive a mere 3 hours west you can stand in a cranberry bog in Dolly Sods, WV. (I promise we're not all like the bumper sticker owner in the first comment.)

sarah said...

I grew up next to a Civil War (Confederate) reenactor and majored in history. Based on those legit accreditations and in light of the tea party movement: it means that if they had known that the civil war would interfere with states rights (which is what they teach us southerns caused the civil war) then they would of just given up the slaves and picked their own cotton. It is a total tea party/state vs. fed government sticker. They probably meant to have a picture of Sarah Palin instead of the flag but knew people would draw moustaches and penises on her face.

Unknown said...

This bumper sticker has nothing to do with Obama, because I saw it in a shop before he was ever even considered for the presidency.

I was LITERALLY telling my fiance about this bumper sticker last Friday, so I kind of laughed when I saw it here.

I found it in a little hick town in the mountains of North Carolina, so the connotations are most definitely racist.

Elliot said...

I would literally pay to be the drummer of JB & The BFDs. I'm an accomplished drummer (meaning I once had a single lesson and spent the entire time shouting "that's what she said" since everything was about hitting and tapping and banging). I await my tryout.

Blake said...

This saying long predates Obama. Anon at 9:21 has it right.

For the record, though I agree that she doesn't merit an anti-bumper sticker I can get behind Rosie hatred.

Shannon C. said...

Hittin the switch-- Having sex whereas the penis alternates between going into the vagina and the anus.

You're welcome. :)

Anonymous said...

i'm going to have to agree with your folks and vote for number two. though this whole thing gives me the sads.

Unknown said...

I think 2/3/4 all get the general sentiment across, especially based on the following websites (if you can stand to read the articles, they're long):



According to the 2nd site, that bumper sticker has been out since before Obama ran for president, but I think today it probably most often reflects the fact that a black man was elected president.

Pick me and I'll even pay you for the "Sorr about the bag" bag!

Anonymous said...

ok I'm anon at 9:21 - just felt the need to clarify that my friend is NOT wildly racist. he's just very smart and has very good insight into people and how they think. just wanted to clarify that!

drewford34 said...

Ok I googled this, and there have been message board discussions about it already. The general consensus is that it means, as one poster put it, "If I had picked my own cotton instead of importing African slaves, then we wouldn't be having the social problems that we have today."
That seems to be the most concise paraphrasing that I've seen.

Anonymous said...

Something I've been meaning to ask - Are people using the "donate" button? I donated a while ago but never heard anything back. Would've appreciated a sticker or just a thank-you. :(

drewford34 said...

I also want to point out that this person's own interpretation of the sentiment was: "All it says to me is 'I'm a chickenshit racist who chooses to express my feelings on my bumper while in the security of my car, so that you won't beat my ass if I were to say it to your face.'"

Que bien dicho.

Michael said...


I work for a custom apparel company, and had about 20x conversations with people wanting this EXACT phrase on shirts, during the election.

During the smackdown that ensued (I think being read the constitution by a gay native MDer, MD PRIDE, yeah i said pride, might've set them off a bit) I learned each and every talking point.

So yeah, its the uppity black people thing. Hands down. No questions asked.

liberalgeorgiagirl said...

Perhaps "This" is referring to all the uproar about even using the confederate flag? So, "If I'd have known this flag would have been called racist in the future, I would have picked my own damn cotton".

That may be givin' the genius who dreamt up this quote a little more credit than they deserve.

And yes, there are some liberals from the South. We just move up to DC so we can act like yankees and still tell folks at home we live below the mason-dixon line...

Unknown said...

Blatantly, I think it means:

"If I had known blacks would STILL be suck dicks about the whole slavery thing - like, billions of years later - I would have picked my own cotton"

Sarah said...

So much here ...

First of all, Bridget Fonda Shag reference? Yes, please. And, thank you.

Now. I almost forgot about that because I started getting all steamed up about the FEMA sticker because well before Katrina, there was a certain wealthy (only slightly crazy-eyed) white man fighting the good fight about FEMA being fucked up. AND he started a website, http://www.femainfo.us/, AND he's from where? Oh, that's right. Oxford, Boom.

FEMA is an equal-opportunity shitstorm.
(I'm not a personal friend. I met him through work about six years ago and haven't seen him since.)

Also, George Bush hates black people. I support Kanye.

mona said...

Maybe the 'this' refers to the bumper sticker itself!

Maybe it's like "Damn, if I had of known this completely insane bumper sticker was going to exist because I'm a big fat racist hick, then I would have picked my own cotton so this completely insane bumper sticker didn't exist because I'm a big fat racist hick!"

That made more sense in my head.

Allison said...


i am from connecticut. my college roommate for four years was from a small town in south carolina, but went to high school in seattle. as a result, she had a highly developed, very bizarre sense of humor about the southern united states, which translated to her buying me that EXACT SAME BUMPER STICKER for me as some sort of gag gift. it was hilariously horrific, and i would take a picture of HOWEVER i threw it out after about three years of it sitting in a drawer, awkwardly. i figured disposing of it was necessary a) to avoid the inevitable karma as well as b) to ensure that if i died in some tragic, glamorous way my relatives wouldn't find that bumper sticker in my IKEA drawer and think "ahhh...so THAT'S what she was all about."

long story. in conclusion: i don't know what it means either.

Anonymous said...

i like that you threw everyone off with the bumper sticker. the real issue is that one of the items on your bucket list is having sex in a hot tub. so many other more fun, less painful and vaginally-drying places to have sex. sorr bout the honesty!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Thanks for the input everyone!

Please say more about the response from Dr. Dre's webmaster. I am dying to know the specifics of the reply.
I wish I had saved it! It's on my old CompuServe email account from back in the day.

Something I've been meaning to ask - Are people using the "donate" button? I donated a while ago but never heard anything back. Would've appreciated a sticker or just a thank-you. :(
Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I think it's Theory #3.

Anonymous said...

Just came across this blog post, but as far as the Confederate bumper sticker, "this" refers to the complaining and sense of entitlement from blacks. It would have been easier to have done the cotton picking themselves instead of hearing the complaints of slavery generations later.

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