1.06.2011

UPDATES! UPDATES! UPDATES!

1.) NO BIG DEAL:
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That's just my dad wailing away on my bass, which now officially resides in my apartment. I was bringing it into my buiilding tonight when the little Ethiopian woman at the front desk stopped me and was like, "Ohhh Meghan, your sister just got married, right? You're next!" and I was like, "Oh, well I've got some time; I'm five years younger than she is." And then I, in all seriousness, proceeded to pat my guitar and say, "Still gotta sow those wild oats!" And you know what? Douchebag. Because yes, I'm sowing my wild oats. If "sowing my wild oats" means keeping a bass guitar that I don't know how to play on my couch to watch HGTV with me and feed a blog joke. Sometimes I think I honestly might be allergic to being myself. It would explain the constant health problems.

2.) Although, this is promising:
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I really appreciate that Jonathan has decided to embrace "Tandoori Boyfriend". Mostly because I had no plans to stop using it. You guys should come over for dinner next week. Tulane Chris is coming tomorrow night until ? for a write-a-thon at my parent's house, but after that? This information might be more appropriate in an email, but I'm laΩzy. <--- Holy shit. Where did that omega come from? I'm not going to lie, I've been up working all night and just started writing this at 5 o'clock in the morning. I can feel my T-cells. And they feel like cotton candy.

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Your competition is Laura on empty paint cans and hubcpaps, like some Stomp shit. Let the battle royale begin.

4.) Thank you so much for everyone's input on the THIS conundrum. I knew I could count on you. Although between the comments and emails, it was a lot of theory to digest. I made some venn diagrams. Did a lot of soul searching. Here's the thing though: as much sense as a lot of your arguments made, we're all just making educated guesses from a liberal perspective. I want to hear what someone who would actually buy the sticker thinks, because whoever wrote it had them in mind. And that's why I spent a large portion of yesterday combing through Southern pride and white power forums until I finally found Yahoo answers forum member stkamur.

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stkamur is a proud owner of this bumper sticker and explained its meaning in a forum about how the "socialist progressives" are driving a wedge between the country and there's going to be a second Civil War, or something equally terrifying.





Point is, if black tribal leaders hadn't sold black slaves and they never arrived here in America, then we wouldn't today have Al Sharpton, the black panthers, (old & new), Whoppi Goldberg, hip-hop "music ?", and crack-head, "who da baby daddy?" welfare mentality that has infected the sensibilities of a nation.
Blacks have had fifty years to move on and get a piece of the American dream but the majority are satisfied to live off the welfare crumbs from the liberal democrats. Racism will NEVER end as long as the likes of Jesse Jackson and others are given a free microphone to piss and moan about circumstances prior to 1964.
So, like I said, "I'd a-picked my own cotton". 
(Now it's me: +12, you boobs: -12).

I have so many emotions:

1.) There's a distinct possibility that this was ghostwritten by Tulane Chris, because my God does that man hate Whoopi Goldberg.

2.) I just all-around appreciate that Whoopi Goldberg is one of the reasons why he would have picked his own cotton. Like if given the chance, he'd go back in time and sprint through the fields screaming, "GET RID OF THEM!!! GET RID OF THEM ALL!!! ONE DAY ONE IS GOING TO RISE UP, BRIEFLY MARRY TED DANSON, WEAR LOOSE-FITTING COTTON TUNICS, TINY SUNGLASSES, AND DOMINATE THE CENTER SQUARE!!!"

3.) The first time I read this, I read the last line as, "Now it's me: +12, boobs: -12", and thought he was a gay, racist, redneck, Conservative extremest. Which would have been scary because if that's not proof that the world is going to end in 2012, I don't know what is.

Absurdity aside, stkamur's explanation pretty much echoes the theory that most of you thought was correct: Anonymous 9:21's.

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Yeah. It clicks, but I still feel unsatisfied. It's like this time that my friend Megan was like, "Hey Meg, Osama bin Hidin'!" and I was like, ".........What?" and she had to repeat the joke like 65 times and walk me through it step-by-step until we realized that I got the joke the whole time, it just wasn't funny. I was giving the joke more credit than it deserved; I was searching for a second level that never existed. That's how I feel now. I don't really know how to describe it and I don't think my life will ever be the same and mostly I just wish someone were here to hold me.

It's also worth nothing that almost every single website that comes up when you google, "If I had known this, I would have picked my own cotton," is about how nobody gets it. Which is absurd because apparently it's a popular catchphrase that's been around for a long time! It's just so irresponsible. Don't mass produce something if it doesn't make any fucking sense. If I was on the highway behind a car with that bumper sticker, you would have to scrape my bloody remains off the Jersey wall because I would have been too hypnotized by its ambiguity to concentrate on the road. It's infuriating. Slash makes me think that we should make my favorite nonsensical Kevin Yang catchphrase, "Well wouldn't it be obvious if I'm in here and you're playing Beyoncé?", into a bumper sticker, sell it in the South, and make a babillion dollars.

Anyways, I'll eventually learn to let this go, but in the mean time, thanks again for everyone's input and Anonymous 9:21, shoot me an email and I'll send you a yummy!

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Anonymous 9:21's friend hates black people. Pass it on.

30 comments:

Also MegHan said...

i feel exactly the same way you did about the Osama joke. i "got it" all along... it's just not funny. bumper stickers can be all kinds of wacky, but what i -REALLY- hate are vanity plates. only 8 slots for drivers to shove their contrived and often childish automotive wit down the throats (eyeballs?) of all other road users? just the other day i saw "BUS O FUN." are you kidding me? i have also seen "FFREAKYY." how are people childish enough to want something so DUMB permanently anchored to their cars?

Lucky and Gizzy said...

Getting back to the matter at hand...can your dad play bass?

Anonymous said...

my apologies for digressing from the topic at hand, but every time I see a commercial for the new season of Jersey Shore premiering tonight, it's all I can do to contain my excitement over the inevitable 2b1b recap. And the fact that Vinny just used the word "obliviated" in the promo is doing nothing to calm me down.

Anonymous said...

I think the part that makes the least sense is picking your own cotton part. Has this person actually ever had cotton to pick? Was it ever an option for them to either have someone else (slave or paid) to pick their cotton or to pick it themselves? Anyone who would own this sticker is a moron for not realizing that.

LSum said...

So what exactly does "(Now it's me: +12, you boobs: -12" mean then? Am I the only one that doesn't get it? Is this joke going to be explained to me so much that it will no longer be funny?

mrb said...

'boobs' is being used as a synonym for idiots here, rather than breasts, so he's saying that he's a winner and everyone else sucks. which is ironic, because I think using the word 'boob' as an insult is so 1999 that he couldn't really be a bigger loser.

Anonymous said...

As a traffic engineer, I have to tell you that it made giggle with delight to know you know that the concrete divider is called Jersey barrier. Yes, my job is every bit as exciting as I have revealed it to be.

Anonymous said...

Wildly off topic - Think you'll have another Jager Ball to celebrate the book launch?

Acorn said...

i have the same question as LSum. and also, i, too, get upset when i think a joke has a deeper meaning and it doesn't. if a joke doesn't have at least three layers, i'm bored.

unless it's a fart joke - they're always classic.

Sam @ SSB said...

Also MegHan - You're right, vanity plates are dumb. However, I saw a MD vanity plate that said "MAZEL" a couple of weeks ago that I had to take a picture of because I couldn't believe that an Andy Cohen-ism had made it that far. Also, I think it was on DCist yesterday but some guy in VA got his EATTHE vanity plate revoked bc the license plate was some "kids first" license plate thing and his spelled out "EATTHE" and then "Kids First" below it. Maybe I'm just too easily amused but that's kind of funny. Otherwise, yeah vanity plates need to stop.

Allison said...

Should I feel hurt that you have decided to start a new band before our Christian folk band even took flight? You'll regret this. The Christian music industry is SO much easier to break into.

Have you seen the South Park episode where they start a Christian band and the big record awards, instead of gold and platinum, are gold, frankincense and myrrh? Well Thunder Cunt's self-titled debut is about to go triple-myrrh, Meg. Triple. Myrrh.

Michael said...

This is disturbing on another level for another post but when I think of Suzanne Whang I think asian, frankly, and this post is about racism (partly?) so here it goes.

Did you know that House Hunters fired her and replaced her with an equally cold sounding asian voice actress? Its been like a full YEAR since she did the voiceovers. How effed up is that?

Michael said...

PS: Her name is Andromeda Dunker. Band? Player from Space Jam?

Rachel J said...

You put that Kevin Yang catchphrase on a sticker and I will buy in bulk. Although none will technically end up on my car - I'm just concerned about resale value.

By the way - I'm really enjoying the comments today! Jersey Shore, South Park, VANITY PLATES?!?! I love our little 2b1b family. Let's just promise to never get together for any sort of awkward reunion.

Love you, Meg!

Hot Mess said...

omg Kevin yang bumper stickers, YES AND PLEASE!

Michael said...

This is disturbing on another level for another post but when I think of Suzanne Whang I think asian, frankly, and this post is about racism (partly?) so here it goes.

Did you know that House Hunters fired her and replaced her with an equally cold sounding asian voice actress? Its been like a full YEAR since she did the voiceovers. How effed up is that?

Anonymous said...

maybe you already know this, but you "sow" oats.

Lolo said...

I agree with Anon at 10:53 1000 percent! please PLEASE host a Jaeger Ball/Book Launch party!

Anonymous said...

Speaking of vanity plates...my husband had "GOOCH" (urbandictionary it if needed) until our state decided that rather than one per county now they were going one per state, and he lost it because someone had it before him. Yes, some other dumbass besides my husband had "GOOCH" on his license plate.

Elizabeth said...

2.) I just all-around appreciate that Whoopi Goldberg is one of the reasons why he would have picked his own cotton. Like if given the chance, he'd go back in time and sprint through the fields screaming, "GET RID OF THEM!!! GET RID OF THEM ALL!!! ONE DAY ONE IS GOING TO RISE UP, BRIEFLY MARRY TED DANSON, WEAR LOOSE-FITTING COTTON TUNICS, TINY SUNGLASSES, AND DOMINATE THE CENTER SQUARE!!!"

hahaha. hah. hahahah.

And also, JUST the other day your past Jerz shore recap describing Ronnie "scuttling away like a crab" randomly popped into my head and I burst into inappropriate laughter. Can't wait for more.

Laura said...

Elliot, I'm a lover not a fighter. There's totally room in the band for your legit drums AND my paint-can-hub-cap frankendrum.

Anonymous said...

Daily posting! 2011 RULES! Yessssss!

Elliot said...

Laura, I'm totally good with being co-drummers with you.

Sarah P said...

There's a middle-age dame riding 'round the Eastern Shore with a bumper sticker that reads, "If you're going to ride my ass, you could at least pull my hair."
Which is awesome because, as my husband says, "you can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting a Methodist."

Anonymous said...

Wow this is a great resource.. I’m enjoying it.. good article

Anonymous said...

I second the motion for Jersey Shore recrap season 3. I just got cable last month, so for the last 2 seasons your recraps were my only exposure to the show. Now that I can watch from home (And did I ever. The entire season 2 in one day last week? Yes and please) I look forward to watching then reading.

Also, we need a current photograph of the jacket of the book. I need to know how close I am with what I've come up with based on nothing more than your descriptions, a picture of your boobs with a can in between them, and an age progression from your girl scout camp photo.

electricdaisy said...

"2.) I just all-around appreciate that Whoopi Goldberg is one of the reasons why he would have picked his own cotton. Like if given the chance, he'd go back in time and sprint through the fields screaming, "GET RID OF THEM!!! GET RID OF THEM ALL!!! ONE DAY ONE IS GOING TO RISE UP, BRIEFLY MARRY TED DANSON, WEAR LOOSE-FITTING COTTON TUNICS, TINY SUNGLASSES, AND DOMINATE THE CENTER SQUARE!!!"

Hahahahahahahahaha. Goddamit, Meg. I definitely seek out this particular blog post like once a month just to re-read that sentence, perhaps the finest one you have ever written.

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