4.20.2012

State of the Tulane Chris: Part II

Tulane Chris is Relieved: Wacky Wanda is gone! We thought she left a while ago, but then she kept knocking on the door. We never saw her move out, but she hasn’t been seen in weeks. There’s no sight quite like two grown men crouched on the floor, taking shallow breaths through their mouths, gauging the distance to the knife drawer as the door goes tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. She had a long, emotional hallway goodbye with Girl-Who-Slams-Doors, thanking GWSD for all the “positive energy.” On the free table, Wacky Wanda left some tea, one small box of Sun-Maid raisins, one shoe, and about fifty CDs. They were all what I think of as 90s lesbian music (confirmed by Giant Camel, whose mother was a lesbian in the 90s): the Cranberries, Melissa Etheridge, Indigo Girls, Sinead O’Connor… This raises so many questions. She was so weird in big, huge ways that the thought of her being weird in an everyday way like being a lesbian just blows my mind.

Tulane Chris is Underslept: The other day, the fire alarm in our building went off for three hours. “The wiring” had gone wrong and no one could get it to turn off. The super lives an hour away and the alarm company’s 24-hour helpline is an answering machine. You know what Philadelphia’s like in the middle of the night? We tried to take a walk, but turned around when we saw a man literally fighting his reflection in a store window. Later, an extremely drunk African-American lady showed up and started making small talk. She asked if we were standing outside for some kind of protest. The woman she was talking to didn’t feel like dealing with a drunk just then so she left, causing the drunk lady to open up to Giant Camel and me about her experiences with racism. She was sure we’d had them too, because “you know how white people are…” Now, Giant Camel is technically white but ambiguously brown in appearance, but Pocahontas aside, you cannot look whiter than I do. If I were an X-Man, my superpowers would be getting sunburned, avoiding racial profiling, and getting good service at restaurants. I didn’t know how to answer this so I just said, “Oh, I think we’ve all had a bad night,” to which Giant Camel helpfully added “HE’S PRETTY WHITE, THEY CAN DO AN X-RAY ON HIM WITH A HUNDRED WATT BULB.” Later, when the alarm finally got shut off and we all went to bed, the drunk lady just went right on upstairs, but I’ve never seen her again, so I don’t know if she lives in our building or was incredibly confused in the morning.

Tulane Chris is Meta: I wrote a whole post about how it’s uncomfortable to blog about looking for jobs when you know prospective employers might read it, and then didn’t post it because I didn’t want prospective employers to read that. Then I got a job interview. So… good call?

Tulane Chris is Reflective: I started writing a memoir. My goal is to avoid being described as “the poor man’s Augusten Burroughs at risk for diabetes.” The first chapter is about my mother’s obsession with her reproductive organs and is called “Female Trouble.” There is also, apparently, a performance art piece about endometriosis called “Female Trouble,” which you can see a preview of at www.femaletrouble.org. I feel no need to see it because, as you will read in my memoir, most of my childhood was a performance art piece about endometriosis.

Tulane Chris Has Vague Opinions about Prominent Women: The night of the horny goat weed, I wrote “MICHELLE OBAMA JANE LYNCH” on the page of blog ideas in my notebook. I think my point about Michelle Obama is that she’s one of the very rare people who look better in still photographs than when actually moving and speaking – she moves her face a lot when she talks and I find it distracting. I don’t know what I wanted to say about Jane Lynch, but I like her.

Tulane Chris Learned Something Amazing: Roseanne made a kids’ sing-along video called Peanut Butter and Jellyfish. It’s enough to make me have children.

Tulane Chris is Judgmental: I saw two people at Starbucks who had taken chairs away from another table so they each had a chair just for their coats. The one was yammering about real estate on the phone, and the other was doing something on a Mac with a “Nightmare Before Christmas” sticker placed on it so that Jack and Sorry-Don’t-Remember-Her-Name were silhouetted in from of the apple. Don’t you feel like you already know way, way enough about them?

Tulane Chris Likes Labored Jokes: I want to start a band that sings about skin cancer awareness and immigration reform. It will be called “Irregular Borders.”

Tulane Chris Likes Social Commentary: You know what I realized the absolute defining activity of our generation is? Our Woodstock? Using food stamps at Trader Joe’s. We will absolutely reminisce about that in decades to come. (Guess what I was doing when I realized this.)

Tulane Chris has Body Issues: I have exactly the wrong amount of chest hair. If I had more or less I could manage, but as it is it looks like my torso was just now sodded. It’s also asymmetrical. This makes me feel like a freak.

Tulane Chris Remembers Childhood Summers: What the hell was that Tiger Blood flavor? Just grenadine? I got it because little boys like tigers and blood, but it didn’t taste good.

Tulane Chris Remembers High School: Do you agree that there’s such a thing as a High School Name? For example, I went to high school with someone named Amber Pajeski. Doesn’t that just sound like the name of someone you would have gone to high school with? Nathan Langford. Chase Hawn. Katharine Cunningham. Bill Schaffer. Sarah Brinsley. (I tweaked the spelling of these for obvious reasons.) I could name a dozen more. And these aren’t just people I happen to remember – I barely knew a couple of them, and am not in touch with any of them now – but they have such High School Names. They fit so well into the sentence “______ let ______ get to third base in his car and ______ told everyone.” I tried to generate fake ones as examples, but I couldn’t – you just know when you hear one.

Overall State of the Tulane Chris: C+

34 comments:

Chrissie said...

YES to the people who use chairs in busy venues just for their coats... I villainize them in my head, and by the time I'm done being in their presence I end up being angry at them for things I assume they also do, like not giving up their seat on the train to a one-legged, pregnant, arm amputee, war veteran with an oxygen tank.

Also, since you're local to me (this is "woman who wants to do your social media), I thought I'd share: I just fell down the stairs at 30th Street Station, my shoes fell off, I skinned my knee, and I sprawled out laughing hysterically like one of Philly's many fine crazy homeless. Of course, no one helped me - I didn't expect them to, so it is nice to have my assumptions validated.

Also, I'm worried about what kind of disease I picked up by having my scraped knee touch the stairs at 30th street station. I may become an amputee, DIY-style by the time I get on the plane...

Kristyn said...

Roseanne is my personal hero.

This is one of your best posts yet.

Marina said...

+1 paying for groceries at Trader Joe's with food stamps. They're nice about food stamps there, unlike Ralph's, where the cashier was always a bitch about it. "What is this no one who shops here EVER uses food stamps, I'm calling a manager and telling everyone over the PA that there's a hoodlum here with a food stamp card and I don't know how to deal with it."

Anonymous said...

i think tigers blood was loosely defined as "all the red flavors mixed together." personally i always opted for watermelon/strawberry.

Rhiannon said...

I'm sad to see the end of dear old (in my head she is quite ancient) Wacky Wanda, but I'm glad you can now walk through the building without fear.

Meltini27 said...

Tiger's Blood is strawberry coconut. This is why it's nasty.

Anonymous said...

Your pictures and recopies always make me dream. I wish I could find rhubarb over here in Milan! essay writing in united states My friend gave me lots when I was in UK and I loved it.

Loraine Karins MLB BLOG said...

I was very sad to see my dear old end (in my head she is quite old) odd wanda, but I'm glad you can now walk through the building without fear.
collect cheap jerseys
usa football jerseys cheap

Anonymous said...

I was going to jump in praising Alex's composition, but I felt odd not acknowledging essay online the story first. Tragic story, I pray she heals.

Unknown said...

Really appreciate this wonderful post that you have provided for us. I assure this would be beneficial for most of the people.essay for less

Unknown said...

I can't imagine a poli sci major not taking his class, very fair with his expectations on tests and papers, extremely smart and always willing to help, and so entertaining... i took his Strategy and politics class as well and wish i could take more, by FAR the best professor I have had at Tulane. it is a mistake not to take his class. To get more info please visit customessayswritingservice.com.

Unknown said...

A flawless article with an extraordinary best coverage of the topic. You deserve my thumbs up!
Click here

Unknown said...

This is the first time I visited this blog. Really this is awesome work with the blog.
puravidah2o |

Anonymous said...

I like this post. It's quite unusual and innovative. Writer might be really gorgeous. Someone could easily claim that he is a genius. 
www.software4airlines.com |

Unknown said...

12 month loans with bad credit are absolutely free from any kind of credit check. In general, all those who had been hesitant to apply for a bad credit loan scheme.

12 month payday loans no credit check no brokers
1000 pound loans for bad credit
weekend payday loans

Unknown said...

6 month payday loans online have changed the way of life of individuals. They demonstrate as the closest companions for individuals when they have absence of money and they can't live without having cash. For further information about loans please visit us:-
http://www.6monthloansdirectlendersuk.co.uk/6-month-payday-loans.html

jogos do friv said...

i think tigers blood was loosely defined as "all the red flavors mixed together."
----
signature: jogos friv
| jogos de friv | jogos do friv

Unknown said...

nsane! Will be taking a gander at this one for sure.
fredsautosalavage |

zombies gratis said...

I understand what you bring it very meaningful and useful, thanks.
juegos de matar
juegos de matar zombies
Juegos Matar Zombies

Unknown said...

Positive site, where did u come up with the information on this posting?I have read a few of the articles on your website now, and I really like your style. Thanks a million and please keep up the effective work. 
http://www.clucoffeefood.com |

jogos friv said...

I think your post rather ok facebook entrar perfil , facebook entrar login , facebook entrar mi cuenta

Unknown said...

You have done a great job. I will definitely dig it and personally recommend to my friends. I am confident they will be benefited from this site. 
Green House Agency |

unblocked games happy wheels said...

Listen to the sentence that was uttered feel very sad for the youth now descargar whatsapp para pc , unblocked games happy wheels very nice , free unblocked games at school online to play , descargar whatsapp , unblocked games 77 , unblocked games online

Unknown said...

I am a student. This article helps me a lot and i have learned many useful things from this. Now there is no need of any best essay writing service

تحميل العاب said...

لعبة زوما الجميلة هي لعبة من اشهر الالعاب تداولا علي الانترنت والموبايل الاندرويد فهي عباره عن اطلاق الكرة والتصويب بها نحو الكرات ذات نفس اللون وعندما تتجمع ثلاث كرات او اكثر من نفس اللون تتفجر الكرات ويظهر المزيز والمزيد غيرها، كما يوجد ايضا هدايا تساعد علي تفجير اكبر مجموعة من الكرات الملونة عليك ايضا اغتنام الفرصة في الحصول عليها سريعا قبل ان تختفي حتي تتمكن من التخلص من الكرات جميعها في وقت قياسي: كل ذلك ستجده عبر موقع تحميل العاب مجانا
http://downloadgames1415.blogspot.com.eg/2015/05/download-game-zuma.html

Unknown said...

Bạn đang muốn mua nhà , đất hoặc đang muốn bán nhà , đất thì hạy đến với chúng tôi ,
bán đất quận 12

Kuldeep said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

ssc guide
ssc JHT Previous year paper
ssc JHT eligibility
ssc JHT application form
ssc JHT SYLLABUS
ssc guide

abc said...

nike outlet
vibram fivefingers shoes
ugg boots
mbt shoes
moncler outlet
coach outlet online
fitflops sale
salomon
canada goose outlet
cheap mlb jerseys

Unknown said...

I really loved reading your blog. I also found your posts very interesting. In fact after reading, I had to go show it to my friend and he ejoyed it as well!

Gamesunblocked Unblockedgamesbeast unblockedgames77atschool

Unknown said...


ارخص شركة تنظيف مجالس بمكة ارخص شركة تنظيف مجالس بمكة
ارخص شركة تنظيف مجالس بالاحساء ارخص شركة تنظيف مجالس بالاحساء
ارخص شركة تنظيف مجالس بالمدينة المنورة ارخص شركة تنظيف مجالس بالمدينة المنورة
ارخص شركة تنظيف مجالس بالدمام ارخص شركة تنظيف مجالس بالدمام


beannar said...

Thanks for sharing.I found a lot of interesting information here. A really good post, very thankful and hopeful that you also use android for writing post If you are searching for a brilliant IPTV Service, so i suggest gears tv apk android download is an exceptional application. It’s an entertainment application that brings contents from all over the world. If you are a fanatic of entertainment TV shows and movies, Gears TV can be an absolute choice for you. In this article, I will let you know how to install Gears TV on FireStick.

jeniffer said...

Now watch latest released HD print movies on 123free movies site without any registration or membership plan from here 123movies unblocked - read more here . 123free movies offers huge collection of latest and upcoming movies you can watch trailers, video, clips full length movies. Watch movies of different categories like Comedy, Entertainment, Adventure, Horror and many more options are there. Enjoy movies show with your friends and family on Movies 123free site.

buy an assignment online said...

Pure dedication towards meeting the highest quality parameters has helped us gradually build our reputation among students for delivering high-quality assignments which score high grades.

 
Clicky Web Analytics