Mail Bag

Dear Meg,

I a
m a huge fan of yours, [Oh, stop!] and many a time have found myself giggling hysterically in my cubicle, the classroom, my room by myself, on the phone as I attempt to read your blog posts aloud to my friends, family, and whoever else will listen. My all time favorite: My New Pink Button. Funniest thing I've ever read. My second favorite: Sorr bout the bag. This has been incorporated into my everyday speech, and I have as much as possible to tried to infiltrate everyone else's speech with this phrase as well, including my new boyfriend (we'll call him DJ)

O, last night, my boyfriend and I decided to attempt to use a female condom. I don't know if you've ever used one, but they're REALLY REALLY AWKWARD. (you should do a 2b1b investigates, and maybe you can get pot-smoking fish tranquilizer guy to participate). Basically, once you insert it, the end hangs out like a floppy vacuum attachment, which, we decided, should have INSERT HERE written on it in (flashing) letters. Having recently converted DJ into a 2b1b fan, he took one look, goes "sorr bout the bag!!" and starts giggling hysterically. At which point i also started giggling hysterically, he lost his erection, and we ended up just laying there and quoting you and NOT having sex.

So, thanks for ruining our sex life!

You, my new friend, are more than welcome. Because if I'm not gettin' any, nobody's gettin' any. Except the exact opposite of that is true. Meaning everyone's gettin' some and I'm not. Which I suppose isn't the "exact opposite" as much as it's just depressing.

I've never used a female condom before, but that's only because I didn't know they existed until about, oh, an hour ago. Now that I do know, I will never look at a Ziploc bag or my vagina the same way again. Which is unfortunate because I make a lot of to-go sandwiches and bathe with my eyes open. So, thank you.

As far as taking one out for a test spin (vomit), the last time I saw 'ole Fish Dick was when I was running away from his parent's house/numbed phallus, so that's out. I used to have an "eff buddy", but things got complicated at Ren Fest, which is a Statement with a capital S. Chris would probably have sex with me, but he'd probably also spend the entire time making obscure historical references and talking about how much he loves my mom, which is exhausting when he's next to me, nevertheless inside of me. If you're reading this and think you're up for having sex with me while I wear a female condom—that sounds extremely uncomfortable. So, let's not do that.

OK, time out. I obviously just googled "How to insert a female condom" because in my mind the answer was: WITCHCRAFT!, but instead found this highly educational and entertaining student video from Binghamton University. 

I love it for the following reasons:

1.) DOROTHY. You sassy, salty old broad, you.
2.) Dorothy's extremely soothing voice and/or the fact that I genuinely can't tell if she's foreign or just has extremely poor diction
3.) Dorothy's no-nonsense belted sweater
4.) The comical cricket noises at 00:50
5.) "Soft tubular sheath"
6.) Dorothy's makeshift female condom made out of an empty water bottle and coffee stirrers
7.) Every time they mention "the lips", I gag and want to die a little. That's not really a reason why I love this, but I thought it was worth noting.
8.) The quick cut to Dorothy at 3:10 where she talks about the benefits of female condoms while tossing condoms into a basket like she just don't give a fuck
9.) Heather's vajayjay caught on fire from using both a male and female condom
10.) Dorothy's deadpanned salty nut joke at 4:00
11.) It has a pre-planned blooper, and it involves a stunt!
12.) Special Guest Matt is pretty goddamn attractive
Christ. I just typed "Binghamton University Matt R.E.A.C.H." into Google because I'm insanely creepy like that AND/OR I'M A ROMANTIC, and everything that comes up is about Matthew Potel, a Binghamton senior who fell to his death last October while reaching to help fellow students cross a dangerous ravine in the Adirondacks. 'Eh.............. Soooooo, to recap, in the span of one blog post I've managed to: ruin a happy couple's sex life, overinform you about the goings-on (or lack of goings-on) of my vagina, offend Chris (probably), fall in love with a college student, bring you all down with a tragedy, and use the phrase "'ole Fish Dick". 

I believe my work is here is done.


Handflapper said...

She's wearing one now! Oh, Dorothy, you are a little minx, aren't you?

So glad that 19 years of marriage and uterus removal preclude any need for me to ever have use of this product.

Rammi said...

"Matt can R.E.A.CH. for my vagina anytime he wants"

That made me chortle hysterically for an awkward amount of time. So, er, thanks.

Unknown said...

So, what my friend (of mail bag fame) fails to mention is that I introduced her to your blog (BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO MEET YOU BUT AM TOO LAZY TO GO TO THE MEET AND GREET THINGS---sorr, but it's true),so I guess in a way, I'm responsible for her failed sex life too. I hope that makes you feel better, but since I'm not getting any either, I'm not sure how much better that makes you feel. Also, can we be friends???

The Genius Savant said...

This person is an idiot. There is nothing better than the Anthology of Awkward post in which Sorr About the Bag appears.

And who do I have to blow to get an Evie update?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

I'm in love with Dorothy and REACH. I don't think she's foreign. I think maybe she's from the Bronx or somewhere.

Also, Matt (not the dead one) is your type? I mean, he's not half bad looking, but I wouldn't have called him "hot." I would have expected you to be into...something else. How does he compare to ole fish dick?

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post.

I also somehow missed the one about 'ole fish dick while recently looking through the archives! Comedy gold.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

"Matt can R.E.A.CH. for my vagina anytime he wants"

That made me chortle hysterically for an awkward amount of time. So, er, thanks.

Thank you so much for noticing that. I was proud of it.

Meg- I just wanted to tell you that I loved your bit on Keith and The Girl and I am so happy I can match your voice to your writing. Chris sounded exactly like I pictured him to, an older Southern gentleman with a slow way about himself. You were so honest and I really enjoyed every minute of the show. Thank you for always making me laugh, FO FREE'! Xoxoxo
Totally my pleasure. Thank you for listening/reading. <3

Also, can we be friends???
Part of me is mad you won't come to our "meet and greet things".....and part of me just respects the hell out of your laziness/honesty. My answer is maybe.

And who do I have to blow to get an Evie update?!?!?!
That made me laugh so fucking hard.

Also, Matt (not the dead one) is your type? I mean, he's not half bad looking, but I wouldn't have called him "hot." I would have expected you to be into...something else. How does he compare to ole fish dick?
What can I say? I'm a sucker for a bro. Ole Fish Dick, however, was a hipster. Although I don't know how "hip" you can be when you're dick is in the sink.

Anonymous said...

Forget investigating female condoms, the real question now is if male and female condoms together actually make fire.

I hope the next part to the series explains how Heather put out her vajayjay.

Jean said...

why do i get the feeling you wrote this to yourself? it seems very Meg.

Anonymous said...

I am a proud graduate of Binghamton University. I never got to star in a female condom commercial. This is now the biggest regret of my life. Sigh.

I get the feeling, based on ol' salty nuts Dorothy's comment about how "he had his turn" to your boyfriend Matt, that he is the star of one of their other videos. You should probably research that. He might talk about something spicy. Like gonorrhea!

I especially liked that in the photo they showed of what it should look like when it was inserted there was a diagram of what it SHOULDN'T look like with "NO! WRONG! STOP!" written next to it.

Anonymous said...

so I just found out that dragons didn't actually exist. i thought they had just gone extinct. I don't know who to tell I'm freaking out I figured you would understand Meg.

Travis said...


Matt's REACH Video - "How To Use A Male Condom"

Anonymous said...

Meg, this is totally random but I thought you'd understand, considering the "Jared Leto" revelation you wrote about in a previous post. A friend just posted on facebook that he really likes this one Gavin DeGraw song, and I was thought, "hmmm I generally like this person's taste in music, but I also usually dislike country. Let me look up the song they mention!" The song was "Not Over You," which is pretty popular and a song which I actually really like and omg Gavin DeGraw is TOTALLY NOT WHO I THOUGHT HE WAS!!! In my mind Gavin DeGraw is both Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw simultaneously. But it turns out he is his own autonomous person, and not really a country singer (in fact sort of a hipster, judging by the "Not Over You" video). Has anyone else had this particular problem?

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy about this post. I always knew my sex life would end up on the internet somehow. And Erika - you liar you got some like a week ago, and also if anything you have contributed to my sex life, so thank you both for that AND for introducing me to 2b1b glory.

Meg, come to Columbia! There's no way you won't get in, and then we can be neighbors/friends. Do you ever do meet and greets in NYC?

Anonymous said...

Jean: conspiracy theorist.

Anonymous said...

Why, when I right click your page, am I given the option to "translate to English"? lol

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