Good morning. Three things:

My mom. But please don't. Because she's married to my dad. In fact, let's take blowing out of the equation all together and just call and ask her:

[...]

Me: So, one of my readers left a comment on the blog asking who they have to blow to get an Evie update.

My mom: HA HA HA! Aww, that's sweet.

Me: Riiiiight... So, can I get an Evie update?

Mom: Well let's see. Um. She's glad Dad is home from his business trip. She's gotten into the habit of not doing what I want and then snorting her little nasal congestion snort to make me feel sorry for her. We took her to the vet in her carrying case and left it on the kitchen floor when we got back, so she still goes in it from time to time as her little cozy space. That's kind of it. She's just being Evie.

Me: Well, what's she doing right this very second?

Mom: Right this second she's upstairs putting your father to bed. Oh! I know what you'll like! You know how she sleeps in our bed, under the covers, down by our legs at night?

Me: Yes. God bless her.

Mom: Well, your father said he woke up to her having a little sneezing fit the other night and he had kitty snot running down his legs. Oh, and we have to take her back to the vet to get her teeth cleaned!

Yvette Mimew Fieldmouse Rowland—All-American/Tonkinese gold.

(Oh my God, those paws! Look at her: just sittin' around the table, drinking hazelnut-flavored coffee, gabbin' with the girls, talkin' shit about Pam...)

- I wish you could hear the sound of pure orgasmic release I just made when I realized that I do have Prilosec.

- Here are the three most recent things in my Google search history:

1.) What's the difference between a wolf and a wolverine?

2.) What nationality is the Geico Gecko?

3.) Fuck yeah Khloe Kardashian

So, if you're wondering what kind of crazy, hi-octane weekend I had—no. No, is your answer. Although RE: #1, it's worth noting that the hardest I've ever seen my dad laugh in my entire life was when I told him that I thought a wolverine was just a "lady wolf", like Smurfette. And this isn't an adorable Meglet story, mind you; this absolutely happened like, three years ago. Max. When I was walking home from Laura's tonight, I realized that I know there's a difference between a wolf and a wolverine (besides gender and eyelash batting, of course), but I still don't know what it is. After some light googling and a trip to whatsthedifference.net (how badly do I wish that the answer to everything is "About five bank accounts, three ounces, and two vehicles"??), here are the official differences:

1. Wolves are canines, while wolverines are weasels.

2. Wolves are easier to find, living mainly in forested areas, while wolverines are rare, and live mainly in arctic places in the northern hemisphere.

3. Wolves live in groups called packs, and will not attack each other, whereas wolverines live segregated, and will attack other wolverines to protect their space.

4. Wolverines have rounded heads, short rounded ears and shorter legs, and will seldom hunt for their prey; wolves have longer legs and pricked ears, and will hunt for their prey.

5.) Wolverines talk a good one, but they don't do what they supposed to do.

6.) Wolves act on what they feel and never deal wit emotions, which is probably due to the fact that they are used to livin' big dog style and straight coastin'.

So, there you go. Should you want to know more about the difference between wolves and wolverines, I urge you to go to your local library or ask a trusted adult. But not me. Clearly.