Good morning. Three things:

My mom. But please don't. Because she's married to my dad. In fact, let's take blowing out of the equation all together and just call and ask her:


Me: So, one of my readers left a comment on the blog asking who they have to blow to get an Evie update.

My mom: HA HA HA! Aww, that's sweet.

Me: Riiiiight... So, can I get an Evie update?

Mom: Well let's see. Um. She's glad Dad is home from his business trip. She's gotten into the habit of not doing what I want and then snorting her little nasal congestion snort to make me feel sorry for her. We took her to the vet in her carrying case and left it on the kitchen floor when we got back, so she still goes in it from time to time as her little cozy space. That's kind of it. She's just being Evie.

Me: Well, what's she doing right this very second?

Mom: Right this second she's upstairs putting your father to bed. Oh! I know what you'll like! You know how she sleeps in our bed, under the covers, down by our legs at night?

Me: Yes. God bless her.

Mom: Well, your father said he woke up to her having a little sneezing fit the other night and he had kitty snot running down his legs. Oh, and we have to take her back to the vet to get her teeth cleaned!

Yvette Mimew Fieldmouse Rowland—All-American/Tonkinese gold.

(Oh my God, those paws! Look at her: just sittin' around the table, drinking hazelnut-flavored coffee, gabbin' with the girls, talkin' shit about Pam...)

- I wish you could hear the sound of pure orgasmic release I just made when I realized that I do have Prilosec.

- Here are the three most recent things in my Google search history:

1.) What's the difference between a wolf and a wolverine?
2.) What nationality is the Geico Gecko?
3.) Fuck yeah Khloe Kardashian

So, if you're wondering what kind of crazy, hi-octane weekend I had—no. No, is your answer. Although RE: #1, it's worth noting that the hardest I've ever seen my dad laugh in my entire life was when I told him that I thought a wolverine was just a "lady wolf", like Smurfette. And this isn't an adorable Meglet story, mind you; this absolutely happened like, three years ago. Max. When I was walking home from Laura's tonight, I realized that I know there's a difference between a wolf and a wolverine (besides gender and eyelash batting, of course), but I still don't know what it is. After some light googling and a trip to whatsthedifference.net (how badly do I wish that the answer to everything is "About five bank accounts, three ounces, and two vehicles"??), here are the official differences:

1. Wolves are canines, while wolverines are weasels.
2. Wolves are easier to find, living mainly in forested areas, while wolverines are rare, and live mainly in arctic places in the northern hemisphere.
3. Wolves live in groups called packs, and will not attack each other, whereas wolverines live segregated, and will attack other wolverines to protect their space.
4. Wolverines have rounded heads, short rounded ears and shorter legs, and will seldom hunt for their prey; wolves have longer legs and pricked ears, and will hunt for their prey.
5.) Wolverines talk a good one, but they don't do what they supposed to do.
6.) Wolves act on what they feel and never deal wit emotions, which is probably due to the fact that they are used to livin' big dog style and straight coastin'.

So, there you go. Should you want to know more about the difference between wolves and wolverines, I urge you to go to your local library or ask a trusted adult. But not me. Clearly.


Anonymous said...

Nope, you had it right the first time...Wolverines are just LADY wolves! Muck Fichigan, Go Buckeyes!

Anonymous said...

I thought a wolverine was an X-Men character, end of story. Didn't know there was an actual animal called the wolverine... I've already learned something new today, and it's not even 8:30!

Xavier said...

So what's the verdict on the Geico gecko?

Anonymous said...

For further reference, might I point you to the PBS documentary, "Nature: Wolverine: Chasing the Phantom." It is about these scientists who are super-duper obsessed with wolverines but in a cute, I'm a scientist kind of way. One of them even raises a few wolverines on his own. He also doesn't have a wife. I'll let you do the math. It's on da netflix. Check it out.

ElectricDaisy said...

My biffles and I refer to what Evie has goin' on as "ballet paws", due to a picture of 5-year-old me posing for my end-of-the-year ballet picture with my hands just like that, crossed over my knee, palms down, fingers tightly squeezed together. GRACEFUL.

Sometimes you can catch cats ballet paw-ing both their frontsies and backsies, heretofore known as "advanced ballet paws".

The Genius Savant said...

Thank You Meg! BEST MONDAY EVER!!!

Kelly said...

this reminds me of the time you revealed that you didn't know narwhals existed, and i revealed that i just recently found out that reindeer are real, not just christmas characters. sigh.

Mayle said...

Per the previous comments and obv previous posts, anyone can conclude that your blog is not only hilarious but also informational. Brava Meghan. BRAVA!

Anonymous said...

total narwhal moment! i thought wolverines were a fairytale! mind. blown.

Anonymous said...

They have a wolverine at the Michigan zoo - they have a very funny run. I didn't know they attacked one another. Now I will stop thinking he seemed lonesome all by himself.

But seriously - their run is like a giant ferret awkwardly galloping/cavorting.

Brett Minor said...

While researching for Groundhog Day, my daughter discovered that a groundhog and a woodchuck are the same animal. None of us knew that.

Krystina said...

Funny story...

So my roommate had a mole with irregular borders, and, unlike the lady on the subway, she was concerned and had it removed a couple weeks ago. Of course, she found out it was melanoma (so maybe not such a funny story), and, to make light of her situation, I thought I would read your entry aloud to her about the lady on the subway.

Well, I made the mistake of reading it to her while she was eating, and she started laughing so hard that she started to choke, and basically almost died.

Long story short...she probably had a better chance of survival with the skin cancer :P

(and I think this also supports Chris's theory that you're writing might be cursed)

Also, just finished Misanthropes and so excited to move on to Brainwashing.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to let everyone at work know that wolverines exist. Mind blowing!

Anonymous said...

Chris is really falling down on the job lately. Time for a new 2nd bird?

Anonymous said...

Meg. http://utterlycute.com/2012/01/silly-pug/

Go. Now. Enjoy.

Lex said...

You forgot an incredibly major difference: Liam Neeson punches wolves in the fucking FACE with a fistful of GLASS, while he mainly subscribes to "live and let live" for wolverines.

Kelly said...


How much wood would a groundhog chuck if a groundhog could chuck wood?

...Not the same.

(PS everyone with an iPhone 4S ask Siri how much wood can a woodchuck chuck?)

(PPS I don't have an iPhone, let alone a 4S, but I make everyone I see that has one ask her that.)

Anonymous said...

^Shut the front door, groundhogs and woodchucks are the same?!

My whole world was just flipped upside down.

Anonymous said...

Anon January 31, 2012 10:17 AM

Are you always a fucking arsehole?

Anonymous said...

screw the buckeyes! go bucky!!!

Anonymous said...

ummm hello? anyone there??

Anonymous said...

Hey, just got caught up on KATG and heard you two. I LOVED you immediately! You have, hands down, got to be the best new guests! Meg, you were SO open and honest... it was incredibly cathartic as well as inspiring. I can't tell you how much I appreciated you telling the blackout drunk sex story. I've battled with something very similar, and it took me YEARS to accept what had happened was rape (I was too far drunk to consent, dude... blackout drunks CAN'T consent), and years before I was able to forgive the guy, a friend of mine.

It's such a grey area... at the time, I had no idea people THAT drunk just *can't* consent to sex. Even now, I hesitate to call it rape because I don't know if I even objected or not. Argh. So many emotions to go through.

Anyway, I appreciate your appearance on the show (both of you) and hope you become frequent guests! :)


Anonymous said...

no post february?

Anonymous said...

So I debated whether to just shut my mouth on this, but I just had to say something...

@Heidi - Black out drunk people absolutely can consent to sex. Just because a person doesn't remember consenting, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Now, there's a HUGE difference if you're so drunk you can barely talk, and you're passing out on the bed and during. But I've done a lot of stupid shit I don't remember, fully on my own with no help from anyone else, and all of it is 100% my fault.

There's just a huge difference between being too drunk to regulate your own self control, and being too drunk to stop someone from doing something to you that you don't want. The former is a poor life choice, the latter is rape. Remember that when you say someone raped you, you're taking the blame away from yourself and putting it on them, scarring their criminal record (even just from an accusation), their reputation, their careers, their educations, their families, etc.

When I was in college I has many a blackout night, when, in the morning when I commented that I didn't remember part of it, others said they couldn't even tell I was that drunk. Now, if I fucked a dude in that situation, it's not their fault that I wouldn't remember it, and might regret it, in the morning. It was my fault for getting drunk to the point where I couldn't regulate my own self control. My fault, not theirs.

As a women who has had both my share of horribly regretted black out sex, and been violently beaten and raped, there's a big difference between the two.

And I'm not for one second saying that if you were in the situation where you were so drunk you physically couldn't object or stop someone, that THAT'S not rape. I'm just saying that before you start telling people that someone raped you, you consider the consequences on that person's life, and whether you actually know if they could tell you were black out drunk when you had sex.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous 1:30:


"We want [rape] to happen to drunk girls or slutty girls or girls who were somewhere they shouldn't be because the alternative is that it can happen to any girl. That it could happen to us. But the other side of that is that when it does happen to us, we don't recognize it. We poke holes in our own experiences, make up reasons why it was our own damn fault."

Anonymous said...

I'm not saying that all alcohol related situations aren't rape, and I'm not poking any holes in what happened to me either. I'm just saying that just because you don't remember it, doesn't automatically make it rape. What if both people were drunk, then who is raping whom? What if someone is drunk and coming on to you, if they don't remember it in the morning, did you just rape them? A lot of times in these situations the guy is right there getting drunk with the woman.

All I'm saying is that there are consequences beyond your own emotions when you start calling rape on someone who had no idea that somewhere in you is a part that didn't want to have sex. If you aren't sloppy drunk, or they themselves aren't sober enough to recognize how drunk you are, or you come on to someone, initiate, and follow through on sex, but don't remember that part in the morning and regret the sex, you can't blame the other person.

If you're so drunk you don't have comprehension of your surrounding and someone is trying to have sex with you, yeah, that's rape. But a lot of people lose their memory in the morning before they lose their comprehension at the time. And if you think you got assaulted, yeah, deal with it, talk to whoever in private that you have to talk to, talk about it vaguely in public to spread the word. Just don't go throwing the word rape around and blaming others. and ruining others' lives, because you can't remember what happened.

Anonymous said...

Being black out drunk means that you are not mentally capable of making the decision to consent to sex... making it rape. anyways, not a place for a discussion of rape! Great post meg, keep it coming!

Becca (not related) said...

Hey Heidi,

Don't ever listen to someone else's opinion when it comes to the things that happened to you. You know yourself and the situation best. It sounds like listening to Meg's story helped you think through some stuff and I hope that you find peace with it.

As for people who want to make distinctions as to what is and isn't rape I say that they can’t know each individual situation well enough to have an informed opinion so there is no legitimacy to their making sweeping statements about it.

Bec xox

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