A Tribute to Dad

…I’m okay.
I had an embarrassing freakout this past weekend. I’m fairly confident I’m going to get laid off in the next few weeks, and feel silly even using “laid off” to describe “losing a temp job you’ve had for six weeks because there’s not enough work to justify keeping Dawn Davenport around.” Wacky Wanda started a fire Thursday night. Let me paint you the picture: I’m lying in “bed” (the pile of blankets on the floor I sleep in because we didn’t have enough money for a mattress when we moved to Philadelphia and sleeping on the floor, like, fixed my back). I’m playing everyone’s favorite game, I Might Have To Vomit, But Maybe If I Fall Asleep I’ll Be Fine In the Morning. I hear a loud buzzer, and my first thought is “Dammit, I thought I turned off my phone ringer.” My second thought is “Well, she’s burned down the building.” I checked the hall, and lo and behold, it’s full of smoke, with Wacky Wanda standing in the doorway of her apartment trying to air the smoke into the hall, where it belongs. I had the presence of mind to wet a bathrobe and jam it into the crack between the door and the floor. That’s where my presence of mind left me. I managed to leave the house with my iPod, but not with:
-       My keys
-       The framed photograph of my late grandfather holding a Boston terrier
-       My passport
-       shoes
I then proceeded to announce, to the assembled tenants, that “that crazy fucking bitch I hate and ruins everyone’s life” started a fire. I discovered a new emotion, “too angry to vomit.”
My Stomach: I’ve decided that English muffin did have a little mold on it. I’d like to be rid of it.
So, it turns out she made a fire smoky enough to evacuate an entire building in the microwave. I don’t have the words. Especially in this building, with built-in ex-Soviet microwaves that make food “as warm as a Latvian autumn.” Her excuse was “I fell asleep.”
Hey, we all do it. Staying up for a whole day – hell, for the five minutes it takes to make a Healthy Choice meal – is for pussies. Remember the Spanish Armada? “Pssst. Liz. Your Majesty. A storm destroyed our enemy’s fleet. Go back to sleep.” Remember Appomattox? Lee gently placing his sword on the table so as not to wake Grant, who was “at Nappy’s house?”
After the firemen gave the all clear, I calmed down by watching “Death Becomes Her,” drinking red wine spritzers (I didn’t want to push it re: vomiting) and playing a computer game where you get to fight wars in medieval Europe.
SO, with that kind of a Thursday, I spent Friday having stress-induced costochondritis , eating banana bread, and playing the same computer game (the fucking queen of Castile wouldn’t marry me no matter what I did.)
So, Saturday… we’ve had this conversation ad nauseam. Cover letters. Stupid. No one reads. Useless. Depressing.
So I called Dad, and he helped. He was very polite about it: “Yeah, it sucks, but you’ll probably have a career eventually. Everyone on the Keith and the Girl comment boards seemed to like the show you were on. I didn’t listen to all of it because I’m tired of hearing about you getting hand jobs, but other people seem to like it.” This is so much more reassuring than “God has a plan,” which was Giant Camel’s contribution, and to which the obvious reply is “Yes, but it might be for me to eventually stand between a scientist and a gunman, and that doesn’t help with March’s rent.”
Dad also helped me plan a post I’m working on for later this week, gossiped with me about Texas Instruments, and generally soothed me. So, in gratitude, I’m going to tell you something funny he did.
About ten minutes before the Saints/49ers game, which after I tell this story will NEVER BE DISCUSSED AGAIN, Dad called me:
“I just wanted to tell you good luck, and tell you about a disturbing dream I had. I dreamt I was a stand-up comic, basically a Rodney Dangerfield knockoff. I fiddled with my tie and everything. My whole act was this single joke: ‘So, my wife asks me what I want for our anniversary, and I said “Honey, after all these years, I really just want a blow job.” So gives me fifty dollars and says “There, go get one,” and I was really touched because it was enough to afford a hooker who still had teeth.’ I thought you could use that on Keith and the Girl if you got stuck.”
My father: providing emergency blow job jokes since 1950.


Unknown said...

I also was "laid off" from a shitty temp job and also have no career but maybe someday those adsense ads on my blog will equal over a dollar in profits. Here's to hoping! In the meantime, your blog makes me smile.

Brett Minor said...

I get the whole "sleeping on the floor fixed my back" thing. I haven't owned a bed in years. I have never found a mattress that doesn't give me back problems. I can sleep in one for a night, but not extended periods of time.

I make a pallette on the floor each night. Fold it up and put it in the closet in the morning and I am good to go. Works for me.

Anonymous said...

Do you guys know that someone is totally copying off you on Twitter? @TwoBoysOneTweet

Lex said...

Oh man, I laughed aloud so hard that my roommate asked me what I was reading and then I read it aloud, but I had some trouble because I was laughing so hard. Thanks!

Rider I said...

No darling the Storm did not take out the Armada the occult did. As per weather programs. you are wrong. That is an ancient reality that the Queen of England was the first witch. Which meant scientist. Merlin was not a wizard but a scientist long since in England in which all others paid for advancing past the magies strives.

BTscene torrents said...

There are thousands of blogs and websites providing the same nature of information again and again, I guess they copy it from one another. Anyhow, the piece of information you have provided is something different and unique. Keep up the good work.
ettv torrent

Unknown said...

Since when are you the spokes person for African culture. We all handle trauma, loss & sadness differently & it is not link to culture. How do you expect them to behave? who are you to tell how they should mourn their dad. I am so sick & tired of this culture nonsense no wonder no one takes us as blacks seriously ! Welcome to the 2013 & not some ancient Chaka Zulu superstitions.If you have been interested just follow this link.

descriptive essay examples said...

Indeed, your Dad's sense of humor is undeniably cool. My father is also the joker in our family and it won't last a day without a funny joke delivers by him.

Unknown said...

6 month payday loans no credit check have changed the way of life of individuals. They demonstrate as the closest companions for individuals when they have absence of money and they can't live without having cash. For further information about loans please visit us:-

Unknown said...

£1000 loan 6 months is usually done by him. Need to pay medical bills, go on a vacation, buy a car, debt, debt consolidation, and cost a lot. These loans are designed to meet the needs of the bad credit holders.
payday loans sunday

تحميل العاب said...

تحتوي لعبة مغامرات جزيرة روبن الكثير من الالغاز والمغامرات المبهرة لدى عالم الاطفال والشباب، فهي تختوي علي مراحل عده ومشوقة بين الادغال والغابات وما تحتويه من اشجار ونخيل،كما يوجد بها بالطبع اروع جزيرة مائية تشبه الطبيعيةوخلابة بمناظرها حيث تتوه بداخلها فتاه شديدة الجمال وعيلك عزيزي اللاعب محاولة انقاذ تلك الفتاه وارجاعها الى بيت اهلها مرة اخرى

Curtis said...

SOP Writing Help for International Relations Wow! What a tribute! I think that you have done a commendable job in this piece. Keep writing because I can see that you are a very good writer. That was amazing!
Capture Recapture Lab Report

Unknown said...

I really enjoy appraisal your article. I had to note how well you have chosen your words to suit the scenario. Thanks a lot for sharing.
school essays editing help

Unknown said...

I love all the posts, I really enjoyed, I would like more information about this, because it is very nice. Thanks for sharing.
Y8 Gold

Unknown said...

This blog is a great source of information which is very useful for me.
New Hindi Movies 2016
Hollywood Movies 2016
Marathi Movies 2016
Tollywood Movies 2016
Tamil Movies 2016
Telugu Movies 2016

Unknown said...

This is very much a work in progress whenever ultius review I find out about one who is more beautiful than any of these I will add her and kick out number ten Thanks for sharing the informative post.

Unknown said...

This is post is amazing. I also admire your writing skills. Professional human resource management proposal topic examples.

juegos friv said...

Jag kommer att se till att bokmärka den och komma tillbaka för att läsa informationen som är användbara för mig. Tack för tjänsten.

add Mobile Number in Aadhar said...

aHow to register mobile number in aadhar card online
How to update mobile number in aadhar card through online
How to add mobile number in aadhar card online
How to change mobile number in aadhar card online without otp

Update Mobile Number in Aadhar said...

How to register mobile number in aadhar card online
How to update mobile number in aadhar card through online
How to add mobile number in aadhar card online
How to change mobile number in aadhar card online without otp

dennis said...

i really enjoy reading your posts. looking forward to reading more from your amazing site.

essay writing service
dissertation writers
dissertation editors
dissertation editors
dissertation writing service
dissertation experts
dissertation formatting experts
essay writing experts
essay writing service
essay writing help
custom essay writing help
custom coursework writing help
custom coursework writing service
coursework writing service
coursework writing experts
coursework writers for hire

dennis said...

hire a coursework writer
buy coursework writing help
buy essay writing help
osmosis lab report help lab report writing help help writing a lab report
lab report writing service
lab report writers
lab report writing
lab report help
statement of purpose writing help
statement of purpose writing service
mba statement of purpose writing help
masters statement of purpose writing help
statement of purpose for graduate school writing help
physics lab report help
chemistry lab report help
lab report writing service

dennis said...

i love all your posts. thanks for sharing
coursework writing services
best coursework writing service
help writing a coursework
cheap coursework writing service
essay writing help online
help with writing an essay
writing essay help
help writing college essay
need help writing an essay
need help writing college essay
sat essay writing help
help with writing essay
cheap essay writing help
english essay writing help
scholarship essay writing help
admission essay writing help

mba essay writing service
best online essay writing service
best custom essay writing service
professional essay writing service
essay writing service cheap
reliable essay writing service

Anonymous said...

indian railway
indian railway train inquiry
railway ticket enquiry pnr status
indian railway reservation enquiry pnr status
train pnr no enquiry
indian railway ticket status
irctc pnr ticket
irctc train timings enquiry
indian railway train
ticket confirm pnr number

Chatpati news said...

Thanks have been given the opportunity to comment. Hopefully what you provided is useful for all those who need them. Visit my website if you want to know more about.
Top Stories News Headlines
Business News
Politics News
Bollywood Latest News
New Hindi Movies Celebrity Photos
latest news videos
Hot sexy viral news Video

Uidai help enquiry said...

e aadhar card update
aadhaar card correction
aadhaar card applicatiion
Link Aadhar Card To Bank
Download Aadhar Update History
Uidai help enquiry

top research papers said...

Thanks so much for your post. It really shows great content and dedication. Keep such posts flowing in your blog and will definitely have customers flow. Do my assignment

Organic thai ber farm said...

Really a supportive work for writing a good article.Any one can enjoy it with the style of writing.

Shekhawati kirshi farm
Organic farming
Top organic farm
Best organic farm in Rajasthan

Travel nearby said...

Thanks for sharing such beautiful information with us This is a wonderful article, Given so much info in it, You can see Travel Nearby best tourist place Best Honeymoon Destination in this page.

Places to visit in Dharamshala
Places to visit in Kasol
Places to visit in Kinnaur
Travel Destination Near Manali
Beautifull Hill Station Shimla for Couples
Tourist Place Near Kasauli
Weekend Destination near Chamba

Sophie Grace said...

Such an incredible data shared, Thank you for this. You can likewise book rajasthan town visit for an awesome Indian visit. mp3 downloader

ireland assignment help said...

In your post all data is unique so i also enjoy reading through your article. thanks for this. Essay writers

top research papers said...

I have gone through the post and I must admit that I like it. Keep doing the great work. I will definitely have to bookmark this page for future reference. I will also refer my friends to come and have the same experience as I did. Thanks so much. Anyone looking for Custom writing help check out our Sample Essays and the assignments we have done before. Anyone looking for Research papers help is in the right place.

travel nearby said...

Beautiful Tourist Places To Visit in Meghalaya
Amazing Places To Visit in Tura
Best Tourist Places To Visit in Jowai
Most Beautiful Places To Visit in Cherrapunji
Incredible Tourist Places To Visit in Nongpoh
Most Famous Places To Visit in Shillong
Beautiful Places To Visit in Nongstoin
Most Beautiful Waterfalls in Meghalaya For Nature Lover
Most Beautiful Hill Stations in Meghalaya For Couples
Wildlife Sanctuaries & National Parks in Meghalaya

HẰNG said...

The author of this post is very talented, I greatly admire you, hope you will succeed in the next post. I would love to keep track of your posts, It is really a useful source of information, wish you success.
jogos io gratis, cá koi mini, friv at school 2019, abcya 3

Top Research Papers said...

Thanks so much for the blog post its very informative. Also have a look at
nursing assignment help,
research paper helper

Clicky Web Analytics