Wow, hi Meggles!
I started this email a LONNNNNG time ago and got stuck so it has been sitting in my draft box.
Soooo...I figured I should just send it. I had made it originally for you to answer on days you had writers block, because I love when you just answer people's questions.
Sooo...yeah. There ya go.
Hope all is well! Still reading strong!
Let's do this, Sanchez.
1. Marry Fuck Kill:
Ooo, GOOD ONE. I've been thinking about this all weekend, and here's my final answer: I'd marry Larry Hagman and we'd live a long, happy life together, thank you; fuck Dr. Reuben because I've always wondered what making love to a Jiffy Bag-covered penis would feel like; and I'd kill John McCain because that son of a bitch never hugged me and/or his daughter is society's longest active queef.
2. When do you actually sleep, Meg?
3. Have you tried wiping standing up yet?
Yes. Everyday for the past 23 years.
4. Would you be upset if Tulane Chris began dating Bobby Flay?
I would feel hurt, betrayed, confused, tickled, aroused, livid, and hurt. In that order.
5. What Would Meg Do?
Oh, God. Meg would take a nap and avoid the situation entirely, then regret it later when it's too late. WWMD? is not a lifestyle I recommend.
6. If your life were a movie, who would play you?
I mean, that's really nice and all, but truthfully, it would probably be a cross between Gabourey Sidibe and Charles Grodin.
7. Have you ever been in a threesome? Do you have plans to be?
I was once an active, and some say uncomfortably competitive, participant in a threeway hookup, but I've never taken it to the next level. (<--- Please know I just re-wrote that sentence so it didn't include the word "penetration".) I don't have any threesomes planned at the moment, but if Hunter's Dean of Admissions and Anthony Bourdain are up for it, I wouldn't say no. (<--- Please know, I just took out an "I'd have no reservations!" joke.) (Or "joke", if you will.)
8. What would you do with $1,000,000?
#1: Buy a membership to Sports Club/LA
#2: Pay off my student loans
#3: Pay back my parents all the money I've borrowed from them over the years
#4: Pay back Chris the $57 I owe him
#5: Pay my bills
#6: PAY COMCAST TO PUBLICLY SUCK MY DICK
#7: Buy Chris and I matching red velor track suits with our initials embroidered on the left breast, so we can wear them: a.) all the time and b.) in a picture where we're standing back-to-back with our arms crossed, glass of whiskey in one hand and mischievous grins on our faces, which will from there on out be used as our official headshot. (This has been an actual goal of ours for almost a year now.)
#8: Buy a new laptop because this one is almost dead and the S, L, F8, and Control buttons are broken. It's exhausting.
#9: Adopt a pug
#10: Buy a couch
#11: Buy an office chair
#12: Bribe the recruiters at my temp agency to actually find me some work
#13: Buy equipment for the podcast Chris and I want to do
#14: Get a tattoo of Homer's bifocals on my ass
#15: Buy a night of hot, passionate lovemaking with Nick Hawk from Showtime's Gigolos (whose rates are surprisingly reasonable, by the way...)
#16: Buy myself a bike, because Lord knows that infuriating situation hasn't been resolved yet
#17: Visit my friends on the west coast and in the middle east
#18: Buy a really, really nice knife set
#19: Buy Evie a...Nope. That cat has literally anything she could ever want and/or need. And I'm jealous of her.
#20: Donate the rest to Howard University, so Becca and I can finally go to Howard homecoming
9. Would you ever go on Fear Factor?
Absolutely not, because if there's anything I hate more than confronting my fears, it's Joe Rogen.
10. Diane invites you over for dinner. When you walk in the house, Jeremy Piven is sitting at the table, helping himself to some potatoes. Describe what happens next.
First, I'd take a moment to pause and let it all just wash over me. Then, like a horny C-level magician, I'd haphazardly yank the table cloth off the table, sending plates, artisan bread, and salad forks flying everywhere. Then, I'd hop up on the table, make the international "suck it" motion across my crotch, rip open my shirt, and crawl towards The Piv while whipping my hair around and eating the odd biscuit, like a hungry hungry Tawny Kitaen. Now in front of Piven, I'd choke him with his own necktie, slap him in the face, slap myself in the face, and lick gravy off his receding hairline until neither of us can take it anymore, and I climb into his lap and make dirty, forceful love to him, right there in front of God, my parents, and everyone.
That's the short answer. The long one involves a few erotic venn diagrams and a lot more swears.
11. Good looking or rich?
Neither; personality. HA HA! Just kidding. Rich. I really want a membership to Sports Club/LA. Do you know how happy access to a lap pool would make me? Also, sometimes I pleasure myself to their group exercise schedule. Like most of my porn, it's sad and extremely effective.
12. Would you rather have invisibility powers or read minds?
Invisibility. That way I could work out at Sports Club/LA without a membership and NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW!
13. Did Sophie make the right choice?
You mean the choice to whore out herself and her blog for a membership to Sports Club/LA? Yes. Yes, I do. And speaking of whoring myself out (which, again, I would absolutely do), the following is an exchange I had with my mom last night while discussing my current financial situation:
Me: You know what? Fuck it. I'm just going to whore myself out in the streets for top dollar.
Mom, in the most heartfelt tone I have ever heard her speak in: Oh, sweetheart. Nickles and pennies aren't going to help us now.
...You know what? Well played, Diane Rowland. Well played.