2.07.2011

QUICK UPDATE!


Guess what? Tulane Chris and I finished the manuscript for our book. YEP. It’s real. It’s a tangible thing. I started pleasuring myself to it on the bus ride back from Philly and haven’t stopped since. (“You like that baby? You like those tight little references to Jessica Walter and ESOL kids? You like it when I break out The Chicago Manuel of Style and second-guess myself, or do you like it when it’s dirty and inconsistent? Woah…where’s that Oxford comma going? OH you’re a bad little manuscript.”) (Oh my God, I am so sorry.) (Although it’s not not accurate…)

So how’d it go? Well, we’re really happy with the final product, but Jesus Crush it was exhausting to get there. And fun! I mean, there are definitely worse ways to spend a week than poopin’ around your friend’s apartment, batting Megan’s Law jokes back and forth and seeing what makes the other laugh; it just took considerably longer than we thought it would. Not to be all, “WHO DUN THOUGHT THAT THEM THERE BOOKS TAKE A WHILE TO WRITE?!?!?!” But. Really…who dun thought that them there books take a while to write?

Because I’m desperate to get us all on the same page so we can move on and get back to our regular blogging schedule, here’s what you missed during Meg & Chris’ Intense Week of Non-Stop Writing:

- I broke the goddamn L key on my laptop, which means that there are now two keys on my keyboard that don’t work unless you hit them from just the right angle, with just the right amount of force. Ergo, from now on, I’ll be using words containing both S and Lsparingly only when absolutely necessary I totally have to. I think I’ll miss you most of all, listlessly and sluts.

- I learned what it feels like to stay up for 56 hours straight on a diet of off-brand Seltzer water and Russell Stover sampler chocolates. (Answer: like your veins are full of dragon semen and if you blink too hard, your eyeballs might shatter.)

- I coughed at the same time a crane dropped something outside and for .5 seconds, it seemed completely rational, if not logical, to think that my cough had started a Butterfly Effect ending in a large-scale construction site disaster.

- UHH, I learned that Chris “respects” me but doesn’t think of me as a “friend”. Which was slightly awkward to hear, considering he’s my go-to person when I need…anything.
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I mean, I’m not saying I want to get matching bird tattoos and wear a vial of his blood around my neck, but I’d like to think in the past couple of years I’ve managed to work my way up from “Flannery’s cousin’s best friend from college” to “My friend Meg”. I’m sharing my blog with you and you’ve been inside of me, Chris; I send people Christmas cards for considerably less.

- I know this isn’t going to help my case in the above, but Chris almost died at the hand of a pug wall calendar and it was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. He was severely sleep-deprived and sitting next to a wall where he had tacked up these pictures of pugs from a dismantled pug wall calendar when, PER CHANCE, one of the tacks slipped out and a 10 x 10 picture of a fawn pug surfing on a boogie board silently floated down the wall, landed on Chris’ right shoulder and shaved at least ten years off his life. This was absurdly funny to me for the following reasons:

1.) I watched the whole thing happen in slow motion. I knew it was going to scare him. It did. It exceeded my expectations.

2.) It happened when we were writing the part of the book about ghosts (don’t ask; just buy) so it had this extra element of spookiness.

3.) He was so scared he couldn’t even say anything. He just recoiled in fear and made this guttural “UGHHFFFFGGG” noise that despite not being a sentence, or even a word really, still managed to drip in southern twang.

4.) The pug was on a boogie board. I mean, really…

5.) Just the way the picture softly danced its way down the wall contrasted with how hardcore Chris almost shat himself, really does something for me.

6.) I knew if the roles were reversed, I would have had the exact same reaction. Because shit was touch-and-go, you guys. Touch-and-go.

- I can’t stop grinding my teeth when I write and it’s getting bad. I keep getting these really bad headaches; I can now audibly click my jaw in and out of place, which I don’t think is “normal” or “attractive”; and I’m scared I’m fucking up my teeth. Now, I know we have a lot of fun with suicide around here on the blog, but I am serious as a heart attack when I say the following: if I have to start wearing a blogging retainer, or anything even remotely in the mouth guard family when I write, I will absolutely kill myself. And I won’t leave a note, because there shouldn’t be an ounce of ambiguity about why I did it. Just fish the goddamn retainer out of my mouth, clutch your fingers around it, shake a closed fist towards the heavens, and distribute my belongings as you see fit. Thank you.

- These kids (who I would conservatively put at 17 and 13-years-old) were on my bus to Philly last week and BROKE MY HEART. They were alone, carrying a Jansport backpack and a taped up trash bag, reeked of Value Village, and got off the bus in Baltimore for a smoke break:
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Here’s my question: how can they buy cigarettes at their little baby ages? And I’m not asking that in like a wag-of-the-finger “MARYLAND STATE LAW CLEARLY DECREES…!” kind of way, I’m asking because I’m genuinely curious and kind of impressed. When I was 17, my friends and I were going to smoke pot in a park or behind a building or something equally Olney, Maryland, when we realized that none of us had a lighter or a book of matches. Because we were too paranoid to go back to one of our houses to get matches, I volunteered to go to 7-11, get in line and (I swear to God) fake the following conversation on my navy blue Nokia cell phone:

“Hey girl! Yeah. Yeah, no I’m just in Olney dropping my laundry off at my parent’s. Yeah I’ll be back AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND, WHERE I AM A STUDENT AND HAVE BEEN FOR AT LEAST A YEAR, later tonight. Yeah, I’ll totally go to that party. BECAUSE PARTYING IS OLD HAT FOR ME, AS AN ABLE-BODIED COLLEGE STUDENT OVER THE AGE OF 18! Oh hang on just a sec—yeah, I’ll just take a pack of matches and this Fun-Dip. Thanks. SO I TOTALLY FAILED THAT PSYCH EXAM EVEN THOUGH I STUDIED IN THE QUAD FOR LIKE, HOURS. AREN’T PROFESSORS THE WORST?!?! YOU KNOW WHAT’S WORSE THAN PROFESSORS? T.A.’S!!! ZETA FOR LIFE!!!1”

The clerk obviously carded me because I had the grace and tact of a blind person running head first into a brick wall, and I had to put on this big show about how I “left my license in the car” and awkwardly drop the Fun-Dip and scuttle out to my car, never to return for years to come. God, I fucking hate my life. ANYWAY, my point being: how are they able to purchase enough Marlboro Reds to support a smoking habit where they can’t go three hours without a cigarette, and I couldn’t even buy a pack of matches with four summers of Drama Learning Center improv experience under my belt? And these are the things that keep me up at night.

OK. You’re caught up to speed on my end. Glad to be back.

73 comments:

comogirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
comogirl said...

sooo my biggest question after picking my laughing ass up off the floor (btw, thanks for posting this in the middle of my manicure...the whole falling-on-the-floor-laughing totally ruined my right thumb) is when and where will your book be published and what will it be named? because i NEED it and will preorder as necessary

Katherine said...

hahahahahahaha

Anonymous said...

Agreed, can we please get a book title, release date, preorder info?

glad you're back!! <3

Michael said...

Welcome back! I drove through Olney and thought "the places Meg has been, from Olney to AUTHOR" and then I thought of JC Chasez being from Bowie which kiiiiinda wins out.

PS: I'll ask again, please start watching Sister Wives.

Anonymous said...

ew, no pre-order. the bragging is clearly the sign of a false sense of accomplishment. plus, your followers are all pissed.

Anonymous said...

...not this follower, Anon 5:59! Welcome back, Meg!

Anonymous said...

To the followers who are pissed:

You are the ones who I gladly steal yogarts from after you took the time to put your name all over it. Why?

Because its fucking hiiiiilarious to the rest of us in the office to watch the anger and panic unfold. thanks for keeping it sadly funny on the web, too!

megalicious...glad you're back. CAN'T wait to PRE-ORDER!!!!

Candace said...

Go back and do a Jersey Shore recap! The show isn't the same without it! Still glad you are back! (Forgive the misuse of punctuation inappropriately!!!!)

rebecca said...

I google image-searched "Manuel" in hopes of finding an amusing picture that I could use to (lovingly) make fun of your "Chicago Manuel of Style" typo, and oh my godD. STYLE INDEED. Srpassed aforementioned "hopes" to such an extent that I can't even think of a joke to match them.

rebecca said...

I google image-searched "Manuel" in hopes of finding an amusing picture that I could use to (lovingly) make fun of your "Chicago Manuel of Style" typo, and oh my god\. STYLE INDEED. Srpassed aforementioned "hopes" to such an extent that I can't even think of a joke to match them.

rebecca said...

I google image-searched "Manuel" in hopes of finding an amusing picture that I could use to (lovingly) make fun of your "Chicago Manuel of Style" typo, and oh my god\. STYLE INDEED. Srpassed aforementioned "hopes" to such an extent that I can't even think of a joke to match them.

rebecca said...

How did I manage to triple post that??? SORRY MEG/READERS ... and I can't delete them because I didn't log in ... oops

Anonymous said...

soo good to have you back! I can't wait to get the book!!

"Mike" said...

This is funny, you can cut the tension in here with a knife. Clearly, Meg is just gonna go ahead and pretend that whole half-her-readers-are- pissed-at-her-for-being-a-lazy-sack-of-shit thing didn't happen. And a little passive complaining about life here, a little hill billy voice shtick there, and everything will be honky dory again!

Anonymous said...

Campaign to add "mike" as the 3rd bird anyone?

Anonymous said...

i can't figure out which would be worse: the anticipated "sorry for not blogging omg love you guys!!!1"...or what we actually got, meg's outright refusal to recognize her utter failure as a blogger, plus an unfunny post to boot. i hope the book does well meg, because this blog is seriously over.

Anonymous said...

Great post, Meg. So glad you're back! Can't wait to pre-order your book.

Anonymous said...

Also, Mike, I thought you weren't going to read this blog anymore? Now that we know you've been following closely and reading all of the comments, we officially know you're all talk. Nice one!

"Mike" said...

When did I ever say I wouldn't be reading the blog anymore?

Anonymous said...

Amen Anon 10:22... this post was completely unfunny

Rachel said...

I loved this so much... and, I just need to share with you two things that happened recently in the lab I teach this semester that totes reminded me of you guys:

1. there's a kid in it named Kevin Wu and every time I grade his stuff I think of Kevin Yang

2. someone forgot their lab manual and had to write their answers on a shitty piece of notebook paper instead, and they literally wrote "SORRY BOUT THE PAPER" at the bottom... I died.

Anonymous said...

Still a fan, still gonna read the book, but pretty weak stuff if I do say so.

CourtneyP said...

Congrats on getting the first manuscript done!

And I grind my teeth not only when I'm on the computer, but when I'm doing ANYTHING (even when I'm consciously NOT trying to grind my teeth). I rock a mouth guard at night, but I don't wear it because I have a fear that the one night I DO actually wear it, my apartment complex will catch on fire and I'll run outside still wearing my retainer and all of my neighbors will start making fun of me and they'll raise my rent simply for being such a LOSER. *middle school flashback*

Anonymous said...

Uhhhhmmm do you need to be over 18 to buy matches in Maryland????

Anonymous said...

YAYAYYAYA!! Welcome back!! can't wait for the book!!

Blake said...

CONGRATS MEG! We're SO proud of you! Now, please to be back to blogging on some kind of semi-regular schedule. We *need* it!

Also, you had to be 18 in MD to even get matches or a lighter? As Moe would say, "Whhhaaaaaaaattt?"

Casey said...

cool your jets, passive-aggressives!

this was hilar meg, so glad you and chris are back and CAN'T WAIT to read the book. congrats on finishing the manuscript!

Anonymous said...

"you’ve been inside of me, Chris"

Um, storytime please.

cjolove said...

I like how every rude comment is posted by "anonymous".

You guys are assholes.

And I second the Jersey Shore recaps!:)

Anonymous said...

Am I the only person who almost pissed herself at the pug picture story?

Anonymous said...

no, because it's not funny.

LoLo said...

I third the Jersey Shore recap request!

Brittan said...

Serious advice: You miiiiight have TMJ. I know because I do and it's the same thing with the grinding and the clicking. It's balls and I've been to specialists and all that biz to no avail. In desperation I went to a chiropractor and they totally fixed it. There was some massaging and aligning and possibly voodoo involved but it worked! And it was cheap! Cranial sacral massage. Oh mah gah. Look it up.

So happy to see a post from you, can't wait for the book!

Anonymous said...

People who have anything negative to say HAVE to do it anonymously. . .otherwise, Meg's rabid band of fans will attack.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post! I'm seriously not even upset that I spend a half second of everyday checking for new 2b1b posts... google reader seems hard.

much love from the west coast!!

Ann said...

I dont understand why

"Anonymous said...
no, because it's not funny.

February 8, 2011 3:48 PM"

bothers to post? It confuses me.

Sarah P said...

Jesus. How fucking DARE you pause providing FREE CONTENT briefly in order to pursue a paying job that would actually support you and therefore your blog?

How selfish can you be?

(I'll be buying a book. Fuck the complainers. How do you wind up attracting so many trolls?)

Anonymous said...

GIVE ME BACK MY YOGURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sam @ SSB said...

congrats on the manuscript and also who knew under 18 year olds couldn't buy lighters/matches, learn something new everyday

Anonymous said...

maybe all the haters that are calling yall lazy and unfunny should get off their asses and try and write their own funny shit on the daily. please feel free to correct me if i'm wrong, haters, by posting the link to your free and funny blogs below in the comments.

Michael said...

PPS: Pugs are dog larvae, and they're fucking scary as ish.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous 8:34: blaaaaHAHAHHA yogarts. where the fuck can i buy these yogarts?

Anonymous said...

How dare anyone make a spelling error.

Anonymous said...

i'm stoked that you finished the manuscript and can't wait to preorder the books. congratulations on being one step closer to a paycheck!!

Casey said...

If this blog goes downhill and loses readers, it won't be because of the infrequent posting, it will be because we're all growing weary of the comment section.

I remember a time when the comments came from a small group of people with whom Meg would interact. If you notice, she never sets foot in here anymore. It's now like a sea of whiny little kids named "Anonymous".

And no, I'm not defending her. This blog is a fun read sometimes, but I'm not emotionally invested in it and I'm not one of Meg's sheep. I just think you're all so goddamn annoying.

Laura P said...

Woot! SO glad to have the funny back!

Anon 10:22, how can one fail at blogging? That's like saying you fail to eat just because you do it sloppily. T

Anonymous said...

WHINY SEA OF YOGURT!!!!!!!!!!!

Jill said...

Oh, good "Mike" is back. He is, after all, the authority on all things funny. Don't believe me? Check out his blog. It's HILARIOUS! Who wouldn't want a daily update on his bowel movements?

I'm just so glad to know there's someone out there like "Mike" to police blogging frequency. We do pay so much of our hard-earned money for this content.

MARJORIE said...

i'm a good friend of Meg's mom and not one of Meg's "sheep" (whatever that means) and i find her writing bright, clever and hilarious...I'm delighted that she got a book deal and can't wait to read it...as to the nasty comments, all i can attribute them to is extreme immaturity and jealousy and people with way too much time on their hands, and i hope Meg doesn't give those losers the power to hurt her or slow her down for one moment. She owes her readers nothing and yet gives us the gift of her creativity and wit and i for one really appreciate it. So there!!!1

Also Meghan with an H said...

Yay! Go Marjorie! (...and Meg!!!!1)

:)

Brittany said...

I'm sorry Marjorie (and this doesn't make me a hater) but isn't the book deal because Meg has readers/ fans of the blog? So to say she owes her fans nothing is pretty ridiculous because she wouldn't have anything without us, her readers. Let's be honest here.

LaTisha said...

Finally! now I stop refreshing the page in hopes that a new post will pop up. Welcome back Meggles! Congratulations on the manuscript but I missed you and all your capers... Can't wait to pre-order the book.

Anonymous said...

I missed you so much! I'm so glad you're back!

MARJORIE said...

Oh Brittany, Brittany...i can see how this little exchange could set off an endless argument along the lines of the chicken and the egg, but expecting meg to keep up regular posts on the blog while writing her first book because you deserve it for reading her blog seems pretty ridiculous to me. I'm just sayin'...

melissa said...

marjorie....seriously? you gonna get all condescending on someone who's only speaking the truth? honestly, i think brittany hit the nail on the head. she wasn't being rude, she wasn't complaining, she was just making a statement. true, meg doesn't "owe" us daily posts as it is a free blog that she does for fun, but you can't deny that without the success of this blog (due to her fans/readers) she probably wouldn't have a book deal right now. that's not me saying she doesn't deserve a book deal or would never have gotten one, just saying that her fans definitely contributed to it.

"just sayin"

Casey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MARJORIE said...

like i said, chicken and the egg...sorry i got snarky with Brittany but i objected to her saying my point of view was "pretty ridiculous"...i'll stand by my belief that meg rocks and leave it at that...

stacebird said...

I think that we should look at all this silly commentary and Meg not responding or posting anew as a good thing! This is the way we can weed out all you horribly nasty readers with the way-too-thought-out comments who shouldn't even be here in the first place! Oh, Meg will have no problem building up her fan base once again what with the publishing of her book and those of us True Fans who are going to help her. Those of you spitting out such mean words don't DESERVE to read her brilliance. So go ahead, erase 2B1B from your favorites bar and never fucking come back :)

Rita said...

Hey Meg!

I keep my fingers crossed for your book!! I love your blog I've been reading it for a while and I know a few months ago the book deal was up in the air and you had no idea. But you made it girl!!! So never give up!

Luci (Prague, Czech Republic)

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