2.24.2011

Sham...Wow

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I know it's generally not a good sign when you're taking life advice from Rihanna's clavicle, but I decided to adopt "never a failure, always a lesson" as my mantra this week. Because I have learned me a whale of a life lesson. Specifically, if you eat Chinese food that's been sitting out on a counter for 24 hours, you will get food poisoning. And it will be Christ awful. And you will spend days on end alternating between handling "explosive bathroom scenarios" and watching two seasons of "Lie to Me" on Netflix while trying to find a position to curl up in that doesn't make it feel like you're about to vomit your spleen.

I'd like to tell you that I didn't refrigerate said Chinese food because my fridge was broken and I was desperate for food or some shit that would even remotely make sense, but honestly, my fridge was full and I really didn't feel like cleaning it out. So I just left my leftovers on the counter. And then the next afternoon when I was hungry and walked past the kitchen, I saw the food and was all, "WELL HELLO,
OLD FRIEND," and dove right in, same fork that had been stewing in the bowl all night and all. And you know why? Because I'm not that intelligent. I'm just not. I can bullshit an A+ paper on literally anything and get through school with flying colors, but I have all the common sense of an Autistic toddler. I swear to God I'm not making this for comedic effect, but I walked face first into a door not 20 minutes ago. Talia once summed me up perfectly when she said, "Meg, you are the dumbest smart person I have ever met in my entire life." Fair. Fair and astute.

So, yes. I'm feeling better, but still sort of like I might explode at any given second. I think it's going to be a long, long time before I eat anything with ginger or snow peas in it in again. Jesus, Mary, mother of God, I wish I hadn't just said ginger or snow peas.
Twice. I could seriously burst into tears right now. OK, LET'S RAPIDLY CHANGE THE SUBJECT, SHALL WE? I'm at my parent's house and this is sitting on their coffee table:
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It's an informational DVD that came with a hair product my mom bought on The Q, but I spent an uncomfortable three minutes thinking it was some sort of touchy-feely learn-to-make-love-again DVD that they neglected to hide before I came over and very seriously I thought I was going to have to gouge out my eyes and kill myself. But it's not. So, hey HEY hey! Small victories.

...Well, now I'm thinking about snow peas and my parents having sex. RAPID CHANGE OF SUBJECT AGAIN! So you know how I have this ~*MyStErY hEaLtH pRoBLeM!*~, and I'm crazy like a fox, and am just generally, as a human being, broken in half? Well, that's all good and fun, but my health insurance runs out next month and I'm fucked. I need a few procedures, physical therapy, and I HAVE EMOTIONS!!!1 therapy, and it keeps me up at night trying to think of what I'm going to do about it. I could COBRA my parent's health policy, sure, but that would cost about $500 a month. I could get an independent policy, but I might as well be an 85-year-old meth addict with AIDS and a pack-a-day smoking habit for how uninsurable I am. I don't make enough money to get coverage through the Freelancer's Union, and my parents are getting mighty sick of this little HAHA-Meg's-following-her-dreams-and-we-all-help-her-out-because-ZOMG-artistic-passion-LOL! thing, as evidenced by my mom's new nickname for the blog: 2 Burdens, 1 Blog. (Which is actually pretty clever, BUT STILL.) (Slash I don't know what Chris ev
er did...)

I know it's easy to disregard my anxiety about all of this because I'm not exactly an orphan hustling on the streets for a crust of bread and a few shillings, but my parents—while still 100% supportive of my career—really have made it clear that they're tired of bailing me out. Which makes me feel like a total asshole and like maybe I should say fuck it, put this little dream on the back burner and get a 9-5 for the insurance. But at the same time, I can't help but to think we've come too far to quit now. I'm completely confident that one day I'll be able to fully support myself with my writing, but that day just isn't today. And unfortunately, I'm a hot fucking mess today. I need health insurance. It's time to get creative. And that's when Pete, of sexual-misadventure-essay winner Pete, shot me an email to see how I was feeling and casually mentioned that if I need health insurance, he would marry 
me.

Now...I'm 99.9% sure that Pete was just kidding, but I'm also 100% sure that I was
not kidding when I responded: yes, yes, a thousand times yes! I genuinely think a sham insurance marriage is an amazing solution to my problem. And Pete seems cool. He bought some merch and hooked up in an AU formal lounge once. That makes him good enough to marry in my book. Unfortunately, I think my "WHEN'S THE SOONEST YOU CAN MEET ME AT THE COURT HOUSE I HAVE A WHITE DRESS FROM HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION THAT IF I DON'T BREATHE I CAN STILL FIT IN MAYBE I SHOULD BUY SPANX JUST IN CASE EITHER WAY I SHOULD BUY MY BUS TICKETS RIGHT NOW IF I TAKE AN 8AM BUS AND GET IN AT 12 WOULD YOU MAYBE WANT TO GET LUNCH???" response thoroughly scared him away. Drag.

My next thought was to gay-marry Eileen. Not only is Eileen one of my oldest and best friends, she has a
stupid good insurance policy, a decently-sized apartment in New York with a sick view, a building that allows pugs, and one time she fixed a 20-year-old VHS copy of Sound of Music while high as a kite with an eyeglasses repair kit. I mean, not to sound gay, but I could fucking create a life with that woman. It would be a privilege and an honor. There are a few problems, though: a.) gay marriages aren't recognized in New York; b.) marrying Eileen might raise a few eyebrows concerning my sexual orientation; c.) both of those eyebrows would belong to my mother; and d.) that's basically just the plot to Chuck and Larry minus the heartwarming Dan Aykroyd Speech at the end and whole widower plot line. So unless the state of New York opens its mind and Dan Aykroyd takes a break from his busy schedule of Botox and nothing, I think my Eileen plan is out. And it truly is my loss, madam.

Next idea: Tulane Chr
is. Status: Student. GOD DAMNIT.

Next: Alex. Status: Student. GOD DOUBLE DAMNIT.

Next: Andrew of the Great Juno Debate Fame. Status: Won't drink from the same water bottle as me, so something tells me he won't jump at the opportunity of a sham marriage. Asshole.

And every single other person I know is in a relationship, so fuck me.

So not to be creepy, but I keep coming back to Pete. And I know I responded to his jaunty little "HAHA wouldn't it be funny if?" email with a lock of my hair and the name of five public notaries within a city block of his office, but I feel like marrying me wouldn't be the
worst thing he'd ever do. Or anyone, really! Maybe there's another insured gentleman out there that I'm not even thinking of! And that's why I sat down tonight and whipped up a list of 23 reasons why you should marry me:

1.) Got a girlfriend? Cool. This isn't a Shakespeare play, I'm not trying to fall in love with you—I just need a $10 co-pay.

2.) That being said, I got some tig 'ole bitties. I'm sorry, it had to be said.

3.) I refuse to move in with you, which I would interpret as a good thing considering the number of friendships I've ruined as a result of living with friends.

4.) I have a rapier wit. But I don't like to talk on the phone. And again, I won't live with you. So...here's hoping you gchat.

5.) One day you can refer to me in passing as your
First Wife. That's kind of glamorous, right?

6.) Two words: JEW HOLIDAYS!!!!1

7.) I have a decent DVD collection.

8.) A very kind reader is sending me a new Brita pitcher. Yeah. Being a blogger is
kiiiind of a big fucking deal and if I were you, I'd get in on this obscene fortune and fame ride as soon as humanly possible.

9.) Because this just happened:

Dad: What are you writing? Your reasons why someone should marry Meg McBlogger?

Me: Yeah, but I can't think of anything.

Dad: That's not true, I bet you have at least ten by now!

Me: Yeah, but one of them is literally, "I can carry a tune, question mark? I don't know, period."

Mom: .........You have ties to Jägermeister? Just tell him you can get him all the Jägermeister he wants.

10.) I have ties to Jägermeister. I can get you all the Jägermeister you want.

11.) The next McBlogger family vacation is this fall—time to shag ass. (Slash as of now I think they have me sleeping in a storage closet, so I
also need an insurance husband to justify why we should get a house with three bedrooms instead of two bedrooms and a dungeon in the basement for old, single Meg and her hollow womb. Kthnx.)

12.) I have a convertible. I named him Kevin. I don't really consider that to be a selling point, but my dad told me to add it. So here we are.

13.) I was dicking around on Wikipedia last night and put it in Afrikaans for funzies and now I can't figure out how to switch it back to English. Again, that's also not really a selling point, but I just feel like it's something my sham husband should be able to help me with.

14.) You can have Evie as my dowry. She's small, portable, light in the hoof. All in all, not a bad deal.

15.) Mom: Instead of finding a random person or a gay guy to marry, why don't you just approach someone you're actually interested in?

Me: Because I don't want to have sex with my sham husband. It's just prostitution at that point, right?

Mom: 'Eh, everyone's a prostitute. As the old saying goes, "when two people are having sex, someone's getting fucked."

16.) I'll have sex with 
you.

17.) I have
zero qualms about having a child, putting her in pageants, and spending her prize money on Bartles & Jaymes and chicken kickers.

18.) Photobucket
This box was in my parent's kitchen tonight and I pointed out that you could use it to make a sick robot costume. I'm full of amazing ideas like that!

19.) Then Evie crawled in, it was adorable, and I started calling her R2Eve2. Bee-bop-boop:
Photobucket

20.) Richard and Diane would be your in-laws. They obviously insisted I add this one, but let's also not pretend like I'm not sitting in their house right now on a Wednesday night for no God given reason when I have an apartment 
of my own.

21.) My dad volunteered to cover the expenses of a modest City Hall ceremony. Why? Because even when desperately trying to pawn me off on a stranger, I'll always be his little girl.

22.) We can get one of those $400 divorces you always see advertised on billboards in se habla Español neighborhoods. Because I am in
no way trying to put airs on here.

23.) Beautiful, beautiful blog fodder.

In the immortal words of Kenny Ortega and Zefron, "this could be 
the start of something new." meg@2birds1blog.com.

81 comments:

Sarah P said...

If I were gay and unmarried and Republicans didn't exist so our union could be recognized, I'd totally marry you.

Couple real-life ideas, though:
Starbucks employees qualify for health insurance if they work at least 20 hours. 20. Seriously.

Demand Studios started offering insurance to its writers last year, I think. That's a place where you can freelance little how-to articles and they pay you $7 to $15 per article (which sucks, but probably worth the insurance).

Or politicians could stop being douchenozzles and give us universal healthcare.

An unrelated graph to depress you: http://money.cnn.com/2011/02/16/news/economy/middle_class/

Allison said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

A song you might consider to learn to woo your sham:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykwqXuMPsoc&feature=rec-LGOUT-real_rev-rn-2r-7-HM

it's about ... NARWHALS ... and it's addictive

toppe said...

i'd marry you for health insurance and boob benefits any day. but i also don't have health insurance. so maybe it wouldn't actually help. if, through the comments section of this blog, you come up with any amazing solutions, please inform me.

Teddy said...

Now I have health insurance, but I would need to know the amount of boob access I would be able to have.

Where is the line drawn, looksies? Feelsies? Motorboatsies?

Also, will the in-laws be paying for stuff on the vacation, or will I be expected to chip in on things, this might be a deal breaker.

Rachel said...

if only E's awesome government insurance covered sister wives....

Can't you be insured through R&D until you are 27? I guess R would know the details given his job....

Rayanne Graff said...

11.) The next McBlogger family vacation is this fall—time to shag ass. (Slash as of now I think they have me sleeping in a storage closet, so I also need an insurance husband to justify why we should get a house with three bedrooms instead of two bedrooms and a dungeon in the basement for old, single Meg and her hollow womb. Kthnx.)

Oh, this is my next holiday! My younger brother and older sister are each bringing someone. 3 cousins, each bringing someone. Auntie and uncle, bringing each other. Parents, bringing each other. Me, bring no one. ALONE. I believe I'm getting a sofa, IN THE KITCHEN. Bah.

Unless... we get married, which solves my problem AND yours! Except I'm English and we don't do health insurance. But I can offer you unlimited access to the NHS and its crumbling infrastructure!

Mike K said...

I've been reading your blog now for a while, just trying to catch up from the beginning, and in the meantime I think I may have fallen in love with you. I don't even know what you look like, but fuck it all if you aren't the funniest woman I've ever not met. I actually live in your general neighborhood (Arlington) and I'm in your age range (28). Oh, and I'm employed as a government war profiteer, I mean DoD contractor, so I have kickass insurance.

Just sayin...

kitten said...

I would totally gay-marry you for my sweet engineer-plus-derby insurance, but I live in Pensylvania, and the politicians here are douchenozzles (see: spreadingsantorum.com) so that wouldn't help. HOWEVER: I believe NY recognizes out-of-state gay marriages, and DC has them, so just bring your blushing bride down there and gay marry there!

alternatively, I second the starbucks comment. I know plenty of people who work there just for the insurance, plus you'd smell like coffee and probably get to eat all the whipped cream you want.

Anonymous said...

i think you should go for mike... he sounds perfect!

Trish said...

Just an FYI, you can enter into a domestic partnership and still be covered under your partner's insurance.

My ex-boyfriend and I did that when I needed insurance, but we didn't want to get married. And you only have to pay like $30 or something! And gays can do it too!

Anonymous said...

go for Mike K, he sounds like a catch!

Anonymous said...

Not that this is helpful since it requires both working and possibly getting up early but my aunt worked at a Starbucks when she was in between jobs solely for the insurance benefits. But I think you have to work there for like 60 days before you're eligible, sooo....

Anonymous said...

And if I took the time to read the box to my left I'd see that idea had already been bandied about. Sooo nvm?

Anonymous said...

Mike K sounds dreamy!

Michael said...

I'd suggest you casually arrange playdates with your readers in exchange for food (which I would totally be down for), but you'd prob need a slap chop to defend against those haters from a week or two ago.

For the record, I meant hang out and they buy you dinner in exchange for wit. Not... well I mean, hey, if it gets you dessert...

Mademoiselle Hautemess said...

I love this post. I mean, I am always telling myself (and everyone that I meet) that I am a catch. But I have never taken stock of what I actually have to offer...let's just say that "Pull Out Couch" and "Nintendo PowerPad" made the list.

Laura said...

Meggles, I'd totally gay marry you, but you might have to give Max boob access to get him on board with it... But I'm also thinking you and Mike K should fall in love providing he'd be willing to move to DC. I don't want you any further away than down the street.

allison said...

Meg, I think some of these comments are even creepier than your response to Pete's email! So you are not the creepEST. Congrats!

Andrew said...

You're not wrong re: the water bottle thing. And I appreciate that you respect my wishes.

LoLo said...

Go for Mike K!!!

Teresa said...

Few companies do "Domestic Partnership" insurance. You have to prove that you and the "partner" live together or in a relationship. But you don't have to get married.

Casey said...

If you don't go for Mike K, I will.

Or - get a job doing graphic design for someone in the gov't. They all have designers, the pay is great, the work is easy enough, and the benefits/retirement are SICK.

But that's much less exciting than a health care-initiated arranged marriage. So there's that.

Mike K said...

I'm flattered by the responses :) I should also note I'm 6'0'' (height seems to be a rarity in DC) and I love animals and kids.

So I probably have to turn in my man card for knowing this, but on Grey's Anatomy (I have gay friends who watch, I swear!) there is a patient who basically has no health insurance and has life threatening cancer, so the doctor fake marries him to give him coverage.

Anonymous said...

Height IS a rarity is DC!!! What is up with that?! I'm 5'10'' and can always find my friends at bars. Sea of heads.

Anonymous said...

McBlogger, come on. Git 'er done.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

i'd marry you for health insurance and boob benefits any day.
That's just called "high school", Jen.

Now I have health insurance, but I would need to know the amount of boob access I would be able to have.
Get a few Bartles & Jaymes in me and it's really anybody's game.

Also, will the in-laws be paying for stuff on the vacation, or will I be expected to chip in on things, this might be a deal breaker.
This is a sham marriage, not Wednesday's Child. Maybe take Rich and Di out to Olive Garden one night or something. Christ.

if only E's awesome government insurance covered sister wives....
There's always Utah?

Except I'm English and we don't do health insurance. But I can offer you unlimited access to the NHS and its crumbling infrastructure!
It's better than nothing!

Oh, and I'm employed as a government war profiteer, I mean DoD contractor, so I have kickass insurance.
I concluded with my email for a reason, babycakes.

I'd suggest you casually arrange playdates with your readers in exchange for food (which I would totally be down for), but you'd prob need a slap chop to defend against those haters from a week or two ago.
Uh, if you're buying me dinner, you can call me a lazy piece of shit all you want.

Meggles, I'd totally gay marry you, but you might have to give Max boob access to get him on board with it... But I'm also thinking you and Mike K should fall in love providing he'd be willing to move to DC. I don't want you any further away than down the street.
a.) Max makes a mean pork chop so if you're OK with it, I'm OK with it b.) Dupont to Alexandria...God, long distance is so hard. But for a premium PPO, I think I could make it work.

You're not wrong re: the water bottle thing. And I appreciate that you respect my wishes.
You make me want to set things on fire SLASH I love you. Isn't this already kind of like a marriage, Andrew?

and I love animals and kids.
I sincerely hope that translates to "I'm fine with putting our daughter in a Little Miss pageants to cover pug food."

Katie said...

I vot for Mike K too!
I'm going to be very sad if this doesn't happen.

Elliot said...

You had me at "I'll have sex with you"

Elliot said...

I feel like that drunk "we should go on a date" DM I sent you on twitter a few weeks ago should get me in the mix here.

Anonymous said...

I think you may find this article from the new york times intertesting: http://nyti.ms/eEfdu4

This lady blogger is similar to you and she rolls in thousands of dollars. She also went through ~emotions~. Check it out.

Sarah said...

Dan Aykroyd is super busy these days making vodka and putting it in crystal skulls.

http://www.jamesallen.com/news/DiamondArticles/Aykroyds-Crystal-Head-Vodka-Diamonds-Distilled-May-27-2010.html

Mike K said...

"I'm fine with putting our daughter in a Little Miss pageants to cover pug food."

No, but I would put our pug in a the Westminster dog show to cover food for our daughter.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Your priorities are backwards, sir. This was over even before it began.

Mike K said...

Just because your parents loved their dog more than you and made you into a glorified Jonbenet doesn't mean you have to project your bad childhood experiences onto your daughter.

Anonymous said...

Where did the dreamy Mike K go and why was he abducted by this jerk-y doppleganger?

Mike K said...

I'm completely joking around

Anonymous said...

Way to ruin it, Mike K.

Mike K said...

:(

I suck at life...

Anonymous said...

i'm dating a mike! he's the best! MEGGLES YOU'D BE SILLY NOT TO MEET MIKE K!!!!!!!!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

They loved their CAT more than me, thank you.

Emz321 said...

Marrying Mike K sounds like a perfect solution!

Megan with no h said...

Meg, I realize this is extremely self-centered since the once promising relationship between you and Mike K is crumbling before our eyes, but I can't help but wonder: did my nomination of Tim Roth as a DILF in any way lead you to watch those seasons of Lie to Me on Netflix? And if so, is it weird that I am feeling really proud?

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Haha, no, Laura's a fan. But your nomination didn't hurt.

Sarah said...

I've known Pete for almost half my life, and I have to say - I have a really good feeling about this. Really. I say Marry Him! (and I don't think he was 99.9% kidding...probably only about 45%, and you can convince 45% out of him).

"Mike" said...

Yeah, Mikes are generally awesome people! But this guy I'm not so sure about. I'm getting some Bundy-esque vibes.

Kitt said...

I'm too lazy to read all the comments, so this may have come up already, but why don't you marry someone in the military? D.C. is lousy with them, and they get SICK healthcare. Plus, I bet you could find one who would settle for the occasional feelsies in exchange for healthcare. So head on down to Chinatown, and get yourself a Marine or something! I like my Marine a whole lot, AND I'm a liberal.

Anonymous said...

Mike K all the way!

HokiESQ said...

Here's a suggestion for the non-marriage route: big pharma usually have programs to help cut Rx costs for those without insurance. My boyfriend took advantage of them when he was in between school and the working world, and he saved a fuckton. What those Abilify commercials leave out is that it costs A FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS a month without insurance. Sweet Jesus.

And for the marriage route: I'm a lawyer and happily volunteer my services - pro bono (that means free, but, you know, it sounds funny) - to process your annulment or divorce (plus filing costs).

Diane said...

Uh, I will take you up on that. But seriously. And for the pre-nup. RIGHT?!@ That's what my parents said. Rumor around the block is Pete's a hood-rat gold digger. I'm not saying...I'm just saying.

Diane said...

Shit, that last comment was from me (Meg) and not my mom. My bad.

Michael said...

I feel like that drunk "we should go on a date" DM I sent you on twitter a few weeks ago should get me in the mix here.

I drunk emailed about spreadsheets and Asbergers, I feel ya bud.

May I suggest a post of the awkward things readers have sent you while inebriatedly showing affection over the years?

Also Meghan with an H said...

I feel your pain Meggles... but seriously, I hope you're all right despite mystery illness... :(

Anonymous said...

Meggles , Marry the obvious choice...ta da...T C's dad. Hasn't he had his eye on you for awhile?
You're welcome Sir,
Homalina Von Shrew

Jennifer said...

I just stopped at Mike 2:08 to declare:

Mike K.: I AM IN LOVE

Please don't break my heart, you sweet piece of ass, you.

Jennifer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

totally off-topic here, but jersey show recrap??? don't leave me hanging this season.

Anonymous said...

Meg, I hope your mystery illness isn't a lady problem. I have heard baaaad things about the PT that for that shit. Sending good thoughts your way.

Peter T said...

I'd like to say that I love Jewish Holidays and that I'm more than willing to put our kids in pageants to make money for dog food. What a fantastic reason!

In fact, all 23 of your reasons are fantastic.....

...and so is my health insurance! And not just regular fantastic. Fan-FUCKING-tastic!

Also, I work in the motion picture industry (here in DC as well) and I can bring you to events so you can meet all your celebrity DILFs.

Not moving in together? Rapier wit not apparent over the phone? No worries! I gchat like a CHAMP at my fancy film job.

What do you say? Wanna make me the happiest blog reader ever?

Peter T said...

Also, I may not be the essay winner, but my name is also Pete!

Anonymous said...

Peter T. FTW!!!!1

Anonymous said...

Work at Starbucks!!! Its insurance and you get to drink all the coffee you want. Also blog fodder, because I feel like an over-caffeinated Meg is a slightly more crazy Meg. And I could get down with that!

Anonymous said...

http://www.designformankind.com/2011/02/best-valentine-ever/ - You had me at health insurance valentine

Andrew said...

Meg! You could always just move to Massachusetts. We're like our own mini version of Canada. No "real" income? No insurance? Just call up the state they'll pay for something like 90% of your insurance.

On the down side though you would have to put up with a state full of people who are obnoxiously obsessed with Tom Brady and/or the Red Sox. Could be worse right?

John said...

Andrew has it right. Come up and be a masshole and get mandatory, "cheap"
insurance. I can even throw you some loving to make the trip worthwhile.

Jessica said...

Umm... isn't the logical idea to marry co-blogger Chris?

mlk said...

Girl, I feel your pain. Thank you for making me laugh all by myself on the 2nd floor of a lonely, obscure university library.

Mel said...

I like the sound of Peter T! Pick him!

Melanie Daniels said...

PETER! PETER T!!!

Anna said...

R2EVE2! I THINK EVIE HAD A ROUGH CHILDHOOD!

also, 400 dollars??? ILL STICK WITH! bahahahaha

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