11.22.2011

I've been trying to craft a PUlitzer/PUbic hair joke for 20 minutes and it's not happening. So...hey.

Chris and I finished editing! Woo hoo! (Or BOOYAKASHA!!!!!!!!1!!, as I’m obviously thinking. God I hate myself.) Here’s a list of things we were “gently scolded” by our editors for saying:
- Referring to the miracle of conception as “squirting your wife up a keeper”
- Every single cannibal joke (and there were a lot of them)
- A reference to the world’s economy locking itself in its room and cutting its arms while listening to Morrissey
- Countless, countless masturbation jokes
- Referring to intercourse as “getting your gears stripped”
- A reference to all homosexuals burning in hell, which was considered quote, “potentially homophobic”
- The phrase “a semen-stained Halston gown away from being the human embodiment of 1976”
- An imaginary Roseanne blooper reel where John Goodman calls Laurie Metcalf “six cunts in a five cunt basket”
- Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many Asian jokes
- The phrase “little kids can’t cross the street without getting molested six-ways-to-the-weekend”
- The phrase “with a honker like a Jewish anteater”
- Numerous references to fingerbanging and/or fingerblasting
- A fictional yoga pose called “The Senator’s Erection”
- A non sequitur about Hilary Clinton being a lizard person from beyond the moons of Saturn
- The sentence “I’m an octoroon, but the bad part isn’t black—it’s German.”
- A Bennington girl drinking an unpretentious little Pinot out of bowls made from human skulls
- Even more fingerbanging references, frankly
- The imaginary newspaper headline: “Weirdo Dies in France, As Usual”
- A joke about how it’s not incest if you and your cousin went to different middle schools
- A joke about urinating into a slot machine and still managing to win $200
- A joke about joining the army expecting to be in Gryffindor, but it turns out you’re more of a Slytherin
- The concept of shoveling a sundae into your mouth like a “gravedigger with the squirts”
- Too many Dress Barn jokes
- Too many ghosts
- Referring to a sex scene in a serious novel as “classy, but still totally functional, if you know what I mean.”
- The phrase “jive cracker”
- An imaginary Abercrombie & Fitch graphic tee that says “Fat Girls Give Good Head”
- An imaginary government-themed gay porn movie called “The Department of Health and Homo Services”, in which a freshman Tea Party representative is ordered to separate his powers and get ready to see what big government can do to him
…I now understand why Chris’ grandmother’s review for our last book was simply: “A mite racy, but funny.” Truer words were never spoken, Grandmother. Truer words were never spoken.

23 comments:

Michael said...

Best tag ever?

Anonymous said...

You guys should release a "director's cut" of the book, with "deleted scenes." Self-pub ebook or something?

Anonymous said...

You guys should release a "director's cut" of the government-themed porn you speak of.

A non-related Becca said...

I agree with the first anonymous suggestion (November 22, 2011 6:20 PM) entirely but I am not sure I could ever look your blog in the eye again if you did the second directors cut suggestion.

I realise I'm admitting that I'd probably watch it. At best I could then suggest it to friends and increase your revenue. At worst, well there is no way it could be the worst porn I've watched, no way at all.

Maybe you should just write the script and produce it, or not, what ever pays the bills I guess.

Sarah said...

I'm loving the daily entries!

P.S. I live in New Zealand, and your book is meant to take 8 - 17 days to arrive!! TOO LONG!

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