11.15.2011

Birthday Thoughts

I had a BIG OLD case of writer’s block trying to start this post. I was staring blankly at my iTunes wishing I could write when I thought, “OH, I should listen to some Squirrel Nut Zippers! That’ll help! So help me God, I don’t know what my logic was there.
My twenty-seventh birthday is November 25th, 2011. I will officially be in my late twenties. This struck home the other day when I realized that early episodes of “Friends” were about people my age or marginally younger. This revelation was followed by “Oh, God. I hope I’m not Ross.” Advanced degree in something obscure? Check. “Not conventionally attractive,” in an ethnic way? Provided “cracker” counts as ethnic, check. Obsessed with a Jewish waitress? No, but it’s the kind of thing that WOULD happen to me. Let me warn you: figuring out that you’re a louder, bawdier, drunker, more Episcopalian David Schwimmer doesn’t make aging any easier.
It’s also going to be a sad birthday because Mom doesn’t have a phone. (“AT&T says I owe them three hundred dollars! We’ll see who gives in first.”) Mine was, apparently, a difficult birth, which my mother lovingly recounts every year like a war story. “Oh, around this time eight years ago, the midwife said she couldn’t do it, we’d have to go to the hospital.” “Twelve years ago, we were driving to the hospital in the sleet!” (This is a bigger deal in Texas than you might think.) “Sixteen years ago, the doctor told me he didn’t need to do an episiotomy, it was already torn.” I’ll spare you the details of “I had cold sores all over my face” and the destruction my skull allegedly wrought on her tailbone. Anyway, the story of The Birth is very much a part of my birthday, much like the recitations of the Ten Plagues are central to Passover. It’ll be sad not to hear it this year.
Being born on or near Thanksgiving, predictably, sucks. Not only does it mean I was conceived on Valentine’s Day, but no one ever is around or in the mood to do anything on my birthday. I used to sulk about this, but this year I’ve taken the opportunity to create Birthday Week:
Thursday November 24: Thanksgiving. I get a turkey leg because it’s “almost my birthday.”
Friday November 25: Actual Birthday. Giant Camel, Meg, Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie, “some of the West Philly hipster queers if they’re around,” and I are going to Ethiopian food, bowling, and the gay piano bar. Can you imagine? A gay piano bar AFTER a holiday and DURING a three day weekend? “Okay. Ooooookay. We’re going to have a drink, then we’re going to do ‘Thank You For Being a Friend’ again, then another drink, then ‘Those Were the Days,’ then drink, then ‘Moon River.’”
Saturday November 26: GWAAAAAAR! I love Gwar, and if you don’t, fuck you.
Sunday November 27: Rest; cake.
Monday November 28: “Alternate” birthday for people who were out of town for Actual Birthday. Saints play Giants. A shot for every touchdown, field goal, or safety. Will there be black and gold temporary hair color? Is the Pope a shithead?
Tuesday November 29: Write obscene fan mail to Zachary Quinto. LIBERAL use of construction paper.
Wednesday November 30: Rest; eat entire Whitman’s sampler in bed.
Thursday December 1: Philadelphia’s premier lesbian bar, Sisters, has a Thursday special: for ten bucks you get eight drink tickets and access to the buffet.
So, that’s my plan. 27. Halfway to 54, which is halfway to having been dead for twenty years.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

I missed your writing. Also not to out your choice of gay piano bars, but I'm assuming you're referring to Tavern on Camac. The first time I went there (after being the fag-hag-belle-of-the-woody's-ball for several years) I was completely terrified of the bathroom situation- my stall was literally dripping semen down the walls. I do love it there though (and the semen incident has, thus far, appeared to be isolated.

Rachael said...

To cheer you up: my first thought was "oh my god, I'm three weeks older than him and I'VE NEVER PUBLISHED A FUCKING BOOK." I guess, continuing the Friends analogy, if you're the successful Ross, I'm the weird Phoebe or some shit.

Jessica said...

I too was born in Texas during a sleet storm, and ON Thanksgiving! So I feel your pain when it comes to trying to plan any sort of bday hooplah. I think next year I will copy your plan, substituting my local gay/ lesbian/ ethiopian establishments, of course. This year, I resorted to one family bday even pre-Thanksgiving, and one outing with friends the week after. This does not make me feel like it's a week-long celebration though.

Leigh said...

THE GIANTS WILL DESTROY YOUR PATHETIC SAINTS!!! also, as a side note, great post.

andrea said...

Please tell me you are going to Tavern on Camac. And I'm also thrilled you are going to be at Sisters. Did you remember to mention $10 for EIGHT drink tickets and a BUFFET and KARAOKE? And damn, does the gayborhood know how to pour a stiff drink.

Ali said...

God, I love when Chris is on his A-game.

Not *not* stoned said...

Chris is back! Am I happy about it?

*Is the Pope a shithead??*

Abuse me all you want 2b1b. I will always love you.

Anonymous said...

Ethiopian restaurant? Yum, mud cakes and rice.

Anonymous said...

chris this is one of your best posts to date

Sara Bell said...

I read the rest of your post, really... but man am I glad someone else is a Whitman's fan over Russell Stover's! Every Valentine's Day my mom buys me one of each and when I pick the Whitman's, of course, she rolls her eyes and then says "Whatever, I'll eat the good ones then."

Anonymous said...

I died laughing in the middle of Bender Library. I'm not sorry custom essay writing. Great post, guys.

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