Abie Baby

I have a soft spot in my heart for Abe Lincoln. I would let the large beast of a man emancipate me any day. In addition to his historical importance and -sexy stove pipe hat- I associate Abe Lincoln with the brilliant but canceled TV show Clone High. If you are one of 15 people who are as obsessed with this drawn gem I love you. If you have no clue what I am talking about please leave…just kidding, I Love the Chris^4 who read this blog.

Today is Mr. Lincoln’s 199th birthday. I hope he is in heaven drinking with the big J while showing off tiny 16th president.

As you all know by now I love games (aside from Dungons and Dragons. We here at 2birds1blog do not support Dungeons and Dragons.) One of my best friends from high school created a game called “Things to do with Abe Lincoln.” The game is simple; what would you do with Abe Lincoln if he were alive today?

Over the years some awesome ideas have been suggested.

  • Take Abe to the real Underground Railroad i.e. the subway. Try and convince Abe everyone in this underground world is fleeing slavery.
  • Take Abe to an historical figure impersonator convention.
  • Get Abe drunk and take him to a gay bar, introduce Abe to his people. (I am of the camp that thinks guessing historical figures sexuality is random and pointless. Does it really make a difference if he liked cock… no it does not. On the other hand Abe’s possibly homosexy nature would explain his fugly wife. If you have seen the first lady exhibit at American History Smithsonian you know the Mary Todd was a brick house.)
  • Take Abe to Fords Theater and watch the PTSD begin!
  • Show Mr. Lincoln a penny and a five dollar bill, watch him freak out over his reproduced image. If you want to be cruel show him Benjamin Franklin’s billz. B. Frank was never president yet he trumps old Abe.
  • Introduce Abe to a few members of the Grand Old Party, see what he thinks of the current party of Lincoln.

  • Take Abe to the Lincoln Memorial; and make him recite his famous address.

In honor of the big guys birthday the question remains; what would you do with Abe?
I wish I could quit you,


Anonymous said...

I always thought the evidence for Lincoln's supposed homosexuality was pretty feeble, which renders my answer to the 'what would you do with Abe?' question moot, or at least non-consensual.

I admit that I've never considered Mary Todd's face as evidence, though.

Anonymous said...

i just have to say, kudos for bringing back the term "brick house".

if you think mary todd is rocking some sort of petticoat to make that dress poof like that, you are sadly mistaken. bitch got hips.

i would take abe lincoln on a tour of everything named after him (Linkin logs, Lincoln towncar, Lincoln, Nebraska). then find him a good lawyer to sort out the copyrights.

imagine showing lincoln like the slums? a far cry from "wade in the water" african-americans. i don't think lincoln foresaw hardcore rap, pimps, and gang violence.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Chris- Mary Todd's Face is always evidence, sister was not pretty.

Blair- I never thought of sorting out copyrights. You would make mad bank off of Abe, I love it!


2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

wait, able lincoln may have been a homo? what? since when?

is it just me, or is every historical figure maybe a homo-queer?

- P to the Atsy

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Wikipedia does a good job of ironing out the Gaybarham Lincoln issue


Perhaps Abe really loved JFK?!

ps I blame this homoqueer historical figure witch hunt on gays in academia. If we just moved all the gays to an island-I suggest fire island- this homo historic thing would not be an issue.


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