2.15.2008

PART DEUX!

Well Apparently the MTA is a 2 Bird 1 Blog reader. Ever since my last post, I’ve been seeing the English version of the Man Clinging to the Outside of the Train PSA poster everywhere.

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Now normally I would go into a rant about how I don’t want to live in a world where I have to work everyday at this god-awful job with bitchy old women who remember where they hid during the attacks of the French and Indian War, only to have tax dollars stolen from my paycheck to pay for pointless PSAs like this. However, 2B1B reader Lovely Laura has been doing her research and found this little gem: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/17/nyregion/17surfing.html

This New York Times article says that a homeless man died in 2007 when he clung to the side of a subway car and was “shorn from it’s side” when going through a tunnel. Shorn from it’s side. That is poetry. According to this article there was a surge of “Subway Surfing” in the 90’s. At its peak (almost 20 years ago) an estimated 12 people died each year of clinging to the side of subway cars. Well suck me sideways! 12 people. In the 90’s. Please! Take my tax dollars to fix this problem! And while you’re at it, make more PSA posters reminding passengers that breathing will keep you alive and blinking will keep your eyes moist. Siiiighhhh…these posters are crushing my soul.

In other continuing news, as acting President of E.M.O. (the End Meek Offensive,) I’ve been making progress studying The Meek. I’ve learned that The Meek is one of the hardest working animals in the forest. Seriously. The Meek is consistently doing work. Now don’t get me wrong, I have a good work ethic (she says as she updates her blog/gchats/ignores her office email/listens to her ipod while half of the art department is out). I get a lot done in the day and I work a long day, but I have to layer my hard work with some solid assin’ around. So if I layout a particularly hard section of the magazine, I’ll wikipedia Saved By The Bell and make snowflakes out of the pages of my 401K informational catalogue until I’ve mellowed out. Then and only then, I will go back to work. Not the Meek. The Meek takes a continual approach to work, going from one task to the other. In instances when The Meek doesn’t have any work to do, The Meek turns to our magazine’s website to study as much as the creature can about our brand. If the drought continues past 15 minutes, The Meek seeks work from her supervisor. I must find out what super DNA strand The Meek carries that makes her able to work continuously. If I don’t have my assin’ around time, my brain would melt and I would ride the subway home clinging to the exterior (see what I did there?). Maybe the kerchief that The Meek always wears is the secret to her productivity? She got a new one:

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Look in The Meek’s eyes. Look at her looking at me with a look of arrogance and disgust. Does the Meek think she’s better than me just because she works diligently in her cubicle, decorated only with 5 different dictionaries and blank walls, whereas I’m frequently seen making snowflakes out of important documents in my cubicle adorned with a giant Gossip Girl poster?

Whatever Meek. You and your birthing hips can get in line to kiss my ass. Right behind the MTA’s PSA department.

Sha la la!
Patsy

11 comments:

2 birds, 1 blog said...

Patsy,
Thanks for giving me nightmares. NO matter where I roll my chair the Meek's eyes follow. The Meek is always looking at me, saying "stop assin' around and get to work missy."

NIGHTMARES.

-E-d-d-i-e

ps I thought subway surfing is what you do when you balance on the subway without holding on to anything, I am innocent sometimes.

blair waldorf said...

god lord, these Meek pictures are exquisite. she looks like she's about 15, but that's impossible, because with hips like those she must have given birth at least 7 times.

my theory: the Meek works constantly because they have nothing better to do. is she going to shop for clothes online? no, she's wearing the only outfit she'll ever need (and own) for work. will be gchat with her friends? friends? is this a serious question? she obviously doesn't have friends, either because they are repulsed by her bad attitude, or merely can stand looking at her face.

i beg you, 2birds1blog, what with this Meek picture today and Mrs. Lincoln last post (i've forgotten her name, but how could i possibly remember such ugly people's names when i'm so important AND attractive), please stop with the ugly people! let them live in the squalor of their own skin.

2 birds, 1 blog said...

you know what blair? i wish i could leave them alone, i really do. but when they harass ME, I have to fight back. and i am not in the financial position to lose my job over punching the homely intern in the mouth (you of all people should know this). so i fight will all i have. a camera phone and a blog.

the sword is mighty. the pen is mightier. the blog is mighty funny.

see you at home, P

caitlin said...

those mta signs are so weird! once i saw:

no eat
no drink
no slop
no crop

Golden said...

Try as I might I can't seem to find a meek in our office. There are a lot of other sinister/creepy weirdos though...like the over 35, overweight bitter virgin dyke that still lives with her parents and constantly has a dirty look on her face (who throws scrapbooking parties and bakes instead of having a life).

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the crafting and I'm not the thinnest girl in the world. But I don't eat my feelings and I don't come to work with dandruff all over my shirt...and my dirty looks are strategic as opposed to permanent.

audrey said...

damn. well. i thought i was being diligent by starting from the beginning, but now i see you solved this mystery already, without me.

carry on.

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