Revenge is a dish best served drunk

There may indeed be a certain level of anonymity to this blog, but one thing I will say outright (because I’m pretty sure I let it slip before,) is that Eddie and I went to the American University in Washington, D.C. Eddie and I are a lot alike in that we are both highly intelligent girls who, due to extreme laziness and a penchant for the party, did well in high school, but probably could have done a lot better if we actually tried. When it came time to apply to college, Eddie’s cousin went to AU and sold her on it, so she applied and got in early decision. I, however, didn’t just put all of my eggs in one basket when it came to applying to my #1 choice school early decision, I put the whole damn farm in and a squeezed in a few milk-maids for good measure. After I mailed off my application packet to Dream School University, I laid back and roasted marshmallows over the other college applications burning in my fireplace (surely I would not need them) and lazily laid back, Dream School University pennant in hand just a-waiting’ for the acceptance letter to roll in. As fate would have it, my dumbfuck guidance counselor sent Dream School University the wrong SAT scores and I did not get in. I’ll spare you the emo story of me curled up on the kitchen floor hysterically crying, meekly screaming to no one in particular “what the fuck am I going to do now?” So what the fuck was I to do now? I had a little over two weeks to pick a school and apply. Enter the fabulous learning institution that is American University! Chartered by an act of Congress in 1893 and located at the top of Embassy Row in Washington, D.C. this school is known for it’s top-notch political and communications programs, and for such well respected alums as Goldie Hawn (who lost her virginity on the floor Eddie and I met and lived on Freshman year,) Starr Jones and Judge Judy! Yes, I became an AU Eagle.


It was at AU I discovered my love and talent in graphic design. I worked very hard in college; dedicated to becoming the best damn print designer this world has ever seen. Senior year, “sleep” and “food” were just things I’d heard about in dem fancy picture shows and I spent all of my time in the design lab working my ass off. When I graduated with honors in May, I felt a sense of pride and wonderment. I was bright-eyed, bushy tailed and ready to conquer the world. However, my tail quickly flattened, and my eyes went from bright to red and rabies-esque when I found out that due to the slow and water-bound manatees that must comprise the AU administration (as human beings can not fuck up as often as they did in my four years of dealing with the administration), 3 credits from a design internship I completed in the Spring of 2005 were “misplaced.” I was informed I would have to be make these credits up next semester and I would not be receiving my diploma. Again, I will skip the emolicious story of me crying (now on the bathroom floor!) thinking of all of that hard work done for nothing. A four month long battle with the bureaucracy of AU raged as I fought for my much-deserved credits I completed a billion years ago. Finally in September, the mighty manatees of the AU administration put down their aqua-swords and gave me my diploma. Victory!

Or so I thought…the other weekend my parent’s received a letter from the Dean of the College of the Arts and Sciences congratulating Patsy McBlogger on her nomination to be the student speaker for the Class of 2008! That’s pretty amazing actually. It’s quite an honor. Something really to be proud of. Indeed! One problem though, YOU FUCKING MANATEES ARE LIVING ON A DIET OF INEFFICIENCY PILLS! I GRADUATED IN 2007! So not only does AU still think I’m a student for some ungodly reason, but they want me to make a speech? Did they not notice that I was not taking classes for an entire year? Why would you nominate someone who was inactive their entire “Senior” year to make a speech?

But if it’s a speech they want, then a speech they shall get. My deviant plan to get back at the administration for four years of miscommunication and fuck-ups-aplenty is to submit some heart felt speech about my time at AU and then deliver something a little different. So what to write for my heart felt speech? Thinking back to my graduation that happened a year ago, I believe our student speaker was from some goat herding country and was the first person in her family to graduate college. Hmm…I’m from an upper-middle class family from the burbs of D.C. Everyone in my family went to prestigious colleges and many went on to grad schools and doctorate programs. Damnit! Can I play the race card? My mom’s cousin’s cousin married an Egyptian man which must somehow make me black, right? GOT IT! I’m the black sheep in my Egyptian family where we value education, as education is the strongest building block of life, much like the building blocks that comprise the Great Pyramids, of which our country is so proud! I always felt second rate to the impressive achievements my family members made in the world of academia, but AU gave me the freedom to discover myself as an artist, where I flourished and enriched the community. I create beauty and order in the world around me, much as my ancient ancestors did in Africa. I am black, I am an artist, and most importantly, I am an American University Eagle. Yep. That concept will work.

In reality, I will get drunk and make a slurring and incoherent speech about how manatees actually run our school until I’m escorted off the stage singing “I Believe the Children are our Future.”

I hope you are all free May 11th.

Sha la la!


2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

1)We do well in school when we want to, WHEN IT MATTERS. I didn’t carry two majors, a redonk minor for nothing. (TURTH I dropped the minor at the last min so I could take a few grade boosting classes like “violence and institutions” leaving me with crazy electives like “political research” who takes that shit as an elective ME. Grad schools thought that was pimp.) Moral of the story maybe we faked our way through German and Spanish in high school, maybe we tested into invisible math class in college but damn it we were great in our passion areas. Sadly, those areas are not really taught/valued in our current k-12 educational system. If they only let me talk about sex and trannies earlier I would have been a SUPER STAR in high school. SO that’s why I went to AU.

2)The girl that spoke at our graduation talked about how a donkey ate her hair and how that is a life lesson to share with other…what the fuck. Fer reals, why would you tell everyone a donkey eating your hair taught you how to share/care about people. Whatever you have to say Pats will be 1000 times better.

3)Please remind everyone to clap for me. It sucks being the last girl across the stage…again, in a cap that is way too small.


Anonymous said...

Eddie, the student speaker at my commencement was so mind-numbingly stupid that you could just see all the professors and administrators becoming increasingly embarrassed on behalf of our venerable institution as one of its distinguished graduates rambled on about how Jagged Little Pill is an album full of important life lessons.

There's documentary evidence of our class president's astonishing rhetorical aptitude.

Anonymous said...

Hey that's nothing on our well known president, Father 3-point speech that turns into a 30 point speech.

Legit, the girl next to me leans in and asks, "What the fuck is he talking about?" Me: "Unity within the universe...or something".

I fell asleep at my own graduation ceremony.

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