So as a birthday treat to myself, I decided to go further into debt upgrade my iPhone. Since I’m already living beyond my means, I figured why not splurge on a model with more memory. I’d been surviving with about half of my music library, which seemed doable; I picked which songs I wanted to listen to and would theoretically switch some of them out when I grew tired of them. Of course, being as lazy as I am, I never got around to switching any songs out, so I eventually got sick of all of the music on my pod. Then there’d be times I’d think to myself “Hey self, I really want to hear X song right now” only to realize it’s one of the songs that didn’t make the grade.
Now, all that’s changed and I can listen to all my songs whenever I want. But this has made me realize that there are certain types of songs that everyone has in their music library. I am more than 100% certain that your music is composed of any number of the following categories:
Songs You Cannot Stop Playing. These are probably songs you’ve recently downloaded and are on heavy rotation. Usually these are flash in the pan songs that have a great beat, but not much else going on. Like that guy/girl you dated for about a month who was slammin’ but the personality of a wet dishrag. These songs usually replace and then quickly become Songs You Couldn’t Stop Playing, Then Stopped Playing, and Now Never Want to Listen to Again.
Eternal Songs. Unlike Songs You Cannot Stop Playing, Eternal Songs are the types of songs that no matter how many times you listen to them, you will always love them. Or maybe they’ve dropped off your radar momentarily, but when you rediscover it you think to yourself “God, I love this song. I should listen to this more.”
Songs with Nostalgic Value. Remember that summer when you and your friends went on that crazy road trip and Sarah got poison ivy on her cooter when she peed in the woods? Or that party where Mark jumped off the roof onto the trampoline, but missed and landed in Steve’s mom’s begonias? Yea, “Send In The Clowns” always reminds me of that. These are songs that you instantly associate with a specific time/person/event in your life. Not to be confused with…
Songs with Nostalgic Value but Annoy the Shit Out of You. These songs are still nostalgic, but not in a good way. They immediately conjure up mental images of friends who’ve scorned you, or exes who dumped you, or people you just plain don’t like. For instance, I had to remove Jason Mraz’s “The Remedy” from my iTunes because this douche I used to work with in college always played it on repeat from his cubicle. Literally whenever you stopped and listened, it would be playing. And I can’t hear that song without cringing and thinking of filing college admissions essays…ugh. Bad memories.
Songs You Heard From Your Grandmother. This encompasses any number of solid gold oldies that you listen to even if you never heard them from your grandmother, because her victrola didn’t play Abba. Don’t act like you don’t think about what it’d be like to live when these songs were big. Like being a flapper when you listen to big band music or seeing Studio 54 firsthand while Donna Summer is pumping in your earbuds. That’s why you listen to oldies.
Songs That You Won’t Let Your Grandmother Listen To. Mostly explicit rap and/or R&B songs detailing just how freaky one is/plans to be. The more hard-core, the less likely you’ll let Nana listen to it. More often enjoyed for a good 5th grade giggle at the brazen things said. (Yea I used the word “brazen” in reference to rap music, what of it?) Think back to the first time you heard Ludacris’ “Fantasy”. Did you not chuckle just a little bit thinking about doing it in the White House, tryin’ to make them turn the lights out? Not to be confused with Songs You Played for Your Mom Without Knowing All The Words First. See this post.
Sometimes these songs can become Songs That Were Funny the First Time You Heard Them But Have Since Lost Their Charm. You mat have read my comparative analysis of Bootyhole vs Take a Lick. While those songs make me chuckle, they are not nearly as funny the 30th time around. And the Ukes’ “Gay Boyfriend” has definitely stopped being kitschy after years of passing it around the interwebs.
Songs You Hope Never Show Up on Shuffle When Your IPod is Used at a Party. Otherwise known as Secret Shame songs. This could mean anything to anyone, but they are the songs that you really like but would never admit to in a crowd. Maybe it’s because you’re supposed to love Goth music, and Taylor Swift is as far from goth as you can get, or because you’re 30-something and you really love this one song by “The Wiggles”. Either way, it’s on your iPod and you aren’t proud of it.
Songs Downloaded For a Specific Playlist But You’ve Only Listened To Once. Sophomore year of college, I made my group of friends a CD of all the songs over the course of that year that we’d had a joke about, in one respect or another (Yea I’m that guy. Whatever, it’s not like I macramed them anything…that was senior year). But I cannot tell you a single song on that CD, as I haven’t listened to them since then (except for the extended version of “Thank You For Being a Friend” by Andrew Gold).
Songs You Downloaded Just So You Can Say You Listen To These Songs. This might be specific to a certain brand of person, music elitists we’ll call them. Conversations with this person about these types of songs go a little something like this:
You: “Hey, what are you listening to?”
Music elitist: “Oh it’s just this obscure band I discovered called ‘Shoebox Treetrimmers’. I’m really into them lately. You’ve probably never heard of them.”
You: “Why am I friends with you again?”
Songs You “Discovered”…Along With Half of America Because It Was Featured on Grey’s Anatomy. I’m gonna be up front with you, I find a lot of new music via television shows, movies, commercials, Starbucks and what have you. I have no shame in my game.
Songs That You Have Absolutely No Idea Why You Own Them. This happens to me more often than not. I don’t know if I just blackout when I download music or if I selectively repress certain songs, but I’ve found a few songs in my repertoire (Natalie –Going Crazy), which constantly befuddle me. I don’t remember downloading it nor do I particularly like the song. I should just delete it, but why would I do that?
Songs That You Relate To/Try to Relate To/Desperately Want to Relate To But Probably Never Will. Songs are like movies, in that no one’s life is like that. Sure the general themes happen to everyone: falling in love, falling out of love, cheating, fighting, making out, making up, having fun with your friends, et al, but no song is going to fit your situation to a tee. Not that I think anyone is going to go Single White Female or Talented Mr. Ripley (according to gender) and imitate a song word for word. I’m just saying some people might need some definition to their lives and they think Paramore is the only thing that is capable of doing that.
Songs You Will Dance To No Matter What. See Christina Aguilera “Dirrty”. Seven years later and I still cannot help myself.
Every now and then a song will get some airplay that is just downright filthy. I think Cedric the Entertainer has a joke about these types of songs: on the radio they seem pretty tame (good beat, alright lyrics) and then you hear the uncensored version and blush like a Japanese schoolgirl. Cedric cites “The Whisper Song” as the prime example. In my own life, I downloaded David Banner’s “Play” which on the radio says “Work them hips, run girl” and I thought “Oh! A nice clean song about working out.” When I played it at a party and heard “Work that clit, cum girl” I was more than a little shocked.
Sometimes, there are songs that are equally, if not more, offensive and don’t get radio airplay, simply because there is no way to change the lyrics without fundamentally changing the song. Meg kindly introduced me to Akinyele's "Take A Lick" not long after we became friends (and that's how I knew it was meant to be).
This past weekend I was informed of the song "Bootyhole" by Tryflynn (pronounced triflin') or Trife Luv according to his Myspace. Unfortunately for our purposes, his Myspace page is the only place to listen to this genius song, until I eventually make a tribute video on Youtube. http://www.myspace.com/thelovegoofy
Both songs are vulgar in their own loveable way. But each song also has some fundamental differences. Let's assess, shall we?
First and foremost, both songs are sung from the perspective of a couple who is already in bed together, in the middle of foreplay. And each guy wants his wife/girlfriend/mistress/trick/ho/etc. to do something for him. To be frank with you all, if someone busts out a song mid-coitus asking me to do something, I'm probably going to do it, out of sheer confusion if nothing else. Unlike me, both women in this case are reluctant to perform said act. But, not to be deterred, both men are insistent upon it and are willing to fight to get their way.
It deserves to be said that one of the fundamental differences between these two songs is the act which each is proposing. Akinyele is obviously pro-blow jobs, if you didn't guess by his subtly titled ditty. Not that much of a sexual deviation, but I guess some people just don't like giving BJs. And to those people I say, what the point? Tryflynn, on the other hand, is not pro-buttsex, but is in fact, pro-fisting. And while the subject matter is far grimier, I find his song to be far less abrasive. In fact, if you suffered from a neurological disorder that rendered you unable to process words, you'd probably enjoy Bootyhole alot more (and that is what she said!). It's just got a slicker R&B beat, one that would not be out of place in the boudoir.
Likewise, the women in each song differ in their resistance to perform said act. In Take a Lick, the chick, who sounds like a real frigid bitch, claims "Oh no I motherfuckin' won't" lick your dick. She's not only against it, she's is going to fight tooth and nail to not give him a BJ. Because of her extremely anti- stance, the bridge leans a little bit towards forced blow-jays. I believe at one point she yells "Get your hand off my head!" On the other hand, Tryflynn's partner sounds like she simply cannot believe what she's hearing. In her words, "Did he just say my bootyhole?" However, she's not entirely against it, in fact, she does let him get that bootyhole. And, unlike Akinyele, Tryflynn is concerned as to whether or not he's hurting her. Granted, at that point, he is doublefisting her.
Lyrically, Akinyele's rap has got some classic lines. I've taken the liberty of excerpting a few for you below: "'I don't suck dills', I looked at the chick like 'Bitch, ill.'" Any new and inventive way to describe penises or blowjobs is a-ok with me. Personally, I'm fond of "getting dome" or "brain" in place of head, but I respect his reference to kosher dill pickles. "She put her thumbs up like the Fonz" I'm sure exactly why she's giving him the Fonzie "Ehhh" to ward off his unsheathed wang, but I like the visual. "I put my nuts by your chin, so when you look up, I be on top of you doing bobby brown push-ups" Likewise, excellent visual. Bobby Brown gets very little in the way of references that don't include coke, Whitney Houston, or beating a bitch up. Although maybe that'll change with a new scapegoat in town. (Too soon for a Chris Brown joke?) "Stop acting scared like my house haunted" I don't think I need words for this one.
Similarly, Tryflynn's a bit of a lyrical maestro as well, although some of his lines border on gross out territory. "My finger's getting kinda cold, I need a place to put it" This is just the most solid logic to fist someone as I've ever heard. You wouldn't want them to be cold, would you? If so, you're a communist. "Punch you in your ass, call me Tyson, bitch" I'll call you Tyson if you promise not to also bite my ear off. "Control you from your ass like a ventriloquist" This one is one of those uncomfortable lines. Just how far do you plan on going up there? But, on the same token, a ventriloquist is like the original fister. Some kinky 1920's vaudeville attendee probably got the idea to fist someone from watching some risque puppetry. "I hoped you washed your ass, cuz if I smell your ass, I'm gon' kick your ass" Good hygiene is just good manners. But threatening to beat someone up is probably not going to get them to give you their bootyhole.
In conclusion, while they differ markedly in style and delivery, these songs really are not that dissimilar. Each guy knows what he wants and won't stop until he gets it. But I think it would be best served if they each ditch their prude girlfriends and find someone more receptive (insert fisting joke here) to their suggestions. If I may be so bold, I think a three-way with Akinyele, Tryflynn, and Khia might be crucial.
I hope you enjoyed listening to those songs at work as much as I did. I feel like I need a shower now.
Posts
