HISTORY NERD

I had to work today (the day after Christmas) and Christmas Eve. You might be asking yourself “Why Eddie, Why do you have to work?” The answer is simple, homelessness is persistent, and people don’t magically have jobs or homes or food or showers because it is the birth of some random baby. (I just made your job seem self absorbed and pointless right?!? GOOD THAT WAS THE POINT.) The reality is I hate using my precious vacation days on days that are easy to come into work. No one is going to call or be in the offices besides me so I can leave early and play around on the Internet.

In other news; I live across the street from a busy pub. In a relatively quite city this establishment is known for being a bit rowdy. But that’s what I get for choosing to live in the 20 something’s area of town. On Christmas Eve after the bar closed one man filled with holiday joy (and I am guessing the deadly whisky beer combination) he decided to make a priceless choice. The man stood in the middle of a traffic circle and yelled “HELLO NEIGHBORHOOD…HOPE YOU ALL WANT TO HEAR CHRISTMAS CAROLS” and started to sing shout several songs. For some reason I found his slurred drunken serenade adorably sweet.

Last but not least I present to you another round of “Eye Spy with Eddie”

You know you are in a redneck truck stop when you find the following items in the women’s bathroom.

How desperate are you when you are paying twenty-five cents for cologne in a truck-stop bathroom. And how exactly does this work? You put twenty-five cents in and pull the little lever on your pulse points? I am willing to bet several people have positioned their necks towards the nozzle where the cologne sprays they get a stinging eyeful of cologne.

Next to the cologne machine was this lovely item

NOW I am all for safe sex. And if you are getting highway lovin’ it is less embarrassing to buy condoms in the bathroom then from the toothless the 75+ truck stop employee. What cracks me up is the name. I bet Theodore Roosevelt thought when he picked out is team of Ivy League studs, farm hands and talented horse men to fight Spain he thought “I WILL CALL THEM THE ROUGH RIDERS AND ONE DAY A PROPHYLACTICS WILL BE NAMED AFTER THIS TALENTED TEAM OF MEN!” I wonder if anyone else thinks of the historical connection before thinking “hahah bathroom condoms in a redneck truck stop.”

The real Rough Riders. Who probably spread VD. I bet the sex workers they got with in Cuba, Florida, and New York wished they used their namesake condoms from the future.

I wish I could quit you,
Eddie

SPAM!

Sometimes I find things that are just weird and ridiculous. Instantly I feel compelled to share them with the Internet. I am calling these random segments "Eye Spy with Eddie"

in my work e-mail I received this poorly created e-mail.

It reads...

“Have you ever heard someone say they want LESS fun? We didn’t think so. In fact, most busy professionals crave a little comic relief, easier networking, and well….more fun!

That’s why we’ve added even more in stock quick-ship fun titles to our patented stack-a-ribbon- awards. Now in addition to the best selling titles like “DIVA” (The office bitch) and “Runs with Scissors” (that guy in the office everyone makes fun of in the break room), you can adorn your attendees with titles such as I READ YOUR EMAIL (which is a violation of privacy) and DORK (the ribbon for the whole accounting department)”

Then it goes on with information about how to buy these awesome gifts for a great price!

That is the way to get the elusive #1 boss mug, make everyone in the office wear ribbons with sayings. Employees enjoy having their physical and mental faults on their shirts.

For shits and giggles you should get frank the 70 year old guy in marketing that always has Viagra delivered to the office (so he does not have to go to UPS and pick it up) a ribbon that says IMPOTENT. Oh man, that will spice up the office holiday party!


Maybe this is the way my mind works, but the first thing I said when I saw the OCD sticker was IS THAT EVEN LEGAL?!? It feels like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

I wish I could quit you,
Eddie

Poor Planning

My “running around the pacific northwest” muscle is sore. After consecutive professional development conferences/trainings in different states/areas I am beat. In my travels I came across a few disturbing pieces I feel compelled to share with the general public.

First alarming image is a sign I found in a cute coastal town.

1) What idiot runs towards the water during a tsunami?

2) Even though the stick person is running towards higher ground it is clear zie has no chance of surviving the approaching wall of water. This sign does not inspire hope for safe evacuation.

3) This sign made me feel bad for the quaint little town. After seen the warning I knew that they were geographically fucked.
a. (Maybe that is why people like beaches…risks are fun! After all areas that are safe from natural, human, or zombie disasters tend to be lame.)

4) I would bet a large monetary sum that this town considers the sign their emergency management plan. I can just hear the mayor;

“A tsunami sign is how much?!? I know they are rare but do they have to be that pricey? We will take one, yeah just one; a natural disaster will only hit the area closest to the ocean (even though we are surrounded by water). One strategically placed sign should be enough warning. I would also like to order 50 ‘Keep your dog on a leash’ signs and 50 ‘Don’t feed the wild life’ signs.”

I wish I could quit you (remember move to higher elevation),
Eddie