11.09.2007

You Wanna Be On Top?

Well happy Drinking Game Friday to one and all. My roommate Blair wrote this week’s drinking game, but before I turn it over to him, I would just like to state that I got felt up yesterday. By a homeless, perhaps schizophrenic man in a stairwell coming up from the subway. He and my left breast are now best friends. That’s the most action I’ve seen in a month and a half. So, referring to Wednesday’s post, I guess the moral of this story is— be careful what you blog for, it just might come true. Take it Blair!

America's Next Top Model. My guiltiest of guilty pleasures.

Wait, no. I take that back. I am in no way embarrassed of my viewership of this show. ANTM has been nothing but good to me since its inception in May 2003. I have spent countless hours laughing at the show with various friends, from Tyra's infamous freak-out in Cycle 4 to Kathleen's "I know, right?" from cycle 8 and everything in between. In fact, it was ANTM that brought me and one of my closest friends here in NYC together in the first place, bonding over the absolutely luda antics of Tyra and the contestants. So I live for MTV or VH1 marathons of the show, knowing full well that when these happen, I can easily kill upwards of 4 hours watching episodes I've already seen hundreds of times already.

So I'd be willing to say that I am a bit of an ANTM connoisseur. After nine cycles, there are some things you can just count on happening. Since the brilliance of Tyra Banks and Ken Mok is already chipping away at your brain cells, why not help it along with a bit of alcohol.

Thus I propose the America's Next Top Model Drinking Game:
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1 sip:

* Any contestant says "I'm not here to make friends." (You can usually count on this at least once an episode. Because…)
* Any contestant says "This is a competition." (It hardly seems fair because usually "I'm not here to make friends" follows or precedes "This is a competition". However, this is a drinking game and I'm not writing this to make friends. I'm writing this to get you drunk.)
* Any contestant claims modeling is their dream/passion/lifelong ambition. (You might want to make these sips small…)
* Tyra Mail is received. (This is probably the easiest rule to follow since Tyra Mail is announced loudly by everyone on screen.)
* Tears. (I think in order for this rule to be put into place, the person doing the crying must also acknowledge the tears. We need to see some genuine emotion, or at least a hand brushing the tears away. Sometimes a bitch just gets something stuck in her eye, and her eye waters up.)
* The word "fierce" is used.
* Twiggy says "The camera loves you." (If you happen to be watching an earlier season in which Twiggy does not appear, you can just drink whenever Janice Dickinson is abrasive.)
* Tyra demonstrates the right and the wrong way to pull off a pose/picture/commercial/whatever. ("You're giving me this ::squints:: but what I want is this ::squints and moves forward::. Can you see the difference?")

2 sips:

* A judge other than Twiggy tells a girl "The camera loves you."
* Tyra talks about smiling with your eyes. (Because models don't smile with their mouths. Ever. Next Tyra teaching the girls to hear with their elbows.)
* A contestant is accused of looking "hoochie" or "porn-star". (What I love about this is Tyra asking them to look "ho, but make it fashion")
* Miss Jay looks gender confused. (Basically just whenever Miss Jay is wearing women's clothing, but make no effort to fem up the face.)
* Jay Manuel sasses a girl on set. (I'll leave the definition of sass up to you. But for a man made from plastic, Mr. Jay is pretty darn sassy.)
* A yelling match ensues. (This will probably cause you a lot more inebriation in earlier episodes, however the full blown yelling becomes less extreme as the season progresses.)
* Mark Rosenthal, Atoosa Rubenstein, or Benny Ninja make an appearance. (Luckily these three have never appeared in an episode together or my head would explode from all the hotness, large-faced-ness, vogue-ness respectively.)
* A contestant mentions their baby back home. (No, not their boyfriend. An actual baby. Because most of these girls are 18-22, and have a child, but believe that pursuing a modeling career is the smartest way to support your family.)

3 sips:

* Tyra hugs any of the contestants. (Cycle 3 Tyra was the best for these hugs because she clearly did not want these girls touching her.)
* Miss Jay appears to be wearing men's clothing. (It will blow your mind.)
* Makeover episode!
* A girl is sick, either in bed or enough to get sent to the emergency room. (Most people go to the emergency room for a broken bone or a life-threatening illness. ANTM contestants = dehydration.)
* A former winner of ANTM appears on the show. (Don't these girls have modeling careers to attend to?)
* A contestant's terrible past is recounted. (My daddy used to touch me in my no-no spot in the back of our trailer…. And that's why I want to be a model.)
* An aberration occurs during elimination. This could be no elimination, a double elimination, or a contestant voluntarily leaving the show.

And finally, finish your drink:

* Someone you've actually heard of in the fashion industry is involved with the show. (Another discretionary event, since some may be more fashion literate than I. However, I certainly would recognize Kimora Lee Simmons, for example and not necessarily the "Swirl Twins" of Ron and Richard Harris.)
* A full episode concludes without Tyra actin' a damn fool. (This may not ever happen. But if it does, finish two drinks.)

Well, I hope I didn't just punch your liver into submission. What I hope you take away from this drinking game is knowledge of your angles, the ability to find the light with your face, and recognition that you are a role model for millions of little girls out there. And probably a few college graduates who enjoy mindless entertainment.

I hope you've enjoyed playing this as much as I enjoyed writing it. And thanks to Patsy and Eddie for the ghost writing opportunity.

Stay fierce,

Blair Waldorf

8 comments:

Blair Waldorf said...

homeless guy. better or worse than drunk guy at bar last weekend who became acquainted with your rear several times?

2 birds, 1 blog said...

so man men...so little time. umm i'm going to give it to the homeless guy. that guy at the bar has a job and probably a really nice apartment (albeit covered in cheetah-print with a rotating bed). if he wants to feel asses of hot girls with big tits all night, he can afford a hooker or a strip club, and not graze me all night long. however, the homeless man needs to get his where he can. like a pirate. i respect that.

-Patsy

Golden said...

Holy fuck this might be my new favorite drinking game. The only thing that could make ANTM better is booze.

I would like to petition, however, to add "Take a sip whenever Tyra's forehead looks abnormally gigantic". Would that be possible?

2 birds, 1 blog said...

I second that emotion. I don't know if you're an NYC-dweller, but have you seen her ads in the subway or around the streets? She looks like a zombie with her giant forehead, and over-smoked eyes. When I saw the ad before Halloween, I literally thought it was an ad for a Halloween costume store. I was like, Holy Shit! Check out that zombie! and My roommate Serena was like...that's Trya Banks.

<3P

Blair Waldorf said...

Re: golden

1) I am flattered. Who knew my humble drinking game would be such a hit? (Yes, I qualify one person liking my drinking game as a "hit")

b) I also wholeheartedly concur about drinking whenever you could rent out billboard space on Tyra's forehead. I also considered "Drink whenever Tyra's eyelashes resembles african tarantula legs", "Drink whenever Tyra's armpit looks like a Georgia O'Keefe painting and therefore like a vagina", or "Drink whenever Tyra's weave looks like a weave". However, I refrained to put these into my game, because I feared for my life in conjuction with that much alcohol. If, however, you have the fortitude to drink that much, I support that and more power to you.

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