2011 Celebrity Deathwatch!

SORR we’ve been a tad AWOL this past week. Meg’s sister is “getting married," and for some reason insists that Meg be “involved.” Sounds like a heathen custom to me, but there you have it. As for me, I’m in the midst of finals. The two projects I’m working on have started to blur together in my subconscious, with the result that I now have a recurring dream where a group of 1930’s English socialites invade the ancient kingdom of Himyar. We’ve got big news next week, but until then… it’s the 2Birds1Blog 2011 Celebrity Deathwatch!

Disclaimer: This isn’t about what I want to happen or anyone I intend, personally, to kill. (Cheaters never win, kids.) It’s solely who I think is on their way out.

Meg’s note: “If you put Larry Hagman on that watch, I will stick your keys square up my snizz and never return them.” [Ed. Note: Hi there. While we're talking about me (and my snizz) (and all the things I've threatened to stick up there) (because what a list that is!), I'd just like to make you all aware of the following:

1.) Three of Ex Co-Blogger Chris' Celebrity Deathwatch predictions from this past year came true. (Including Leslie Nielsen. I mean, I know he was old, but how the hell did you see that coming??)

The annual 2b1b Celebrity Deathwatch post is obviously haunted.

3.) Today is our 666th post.

4.) Today is also T.G.I. Hagman.

= NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. This is some VOODOO shit and it all makes me heinously uncomfortable. I'd pull the plug on this little shit show here and now if I wasn't busy stress-vomiting all night because despite consuming nothing but cocaine, air, and tap water for the past week and a half, I can either sit or breathe in my bridesmaid's dress—God forbid I want to do both! So you, sir, better thank your lucky stars that I'm retaining water like a pregnant woman stewing in sea salt and have 120 wedding programs to assemble. But listen to me here and now: if my Lord and Savior Larry Martin Hagman dies within the next 24 hours, I'm placing the blame directly on you. You shall forever wear a scarlet 10-gallon hat upon your head and live as an outcast in the woods like the dirty, whorish Angel of Death you are. In fact, where's my Hagman at?

As of December 10, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! OH and he better stay that way if a certain ginger-haired blogger and "Designing Women" enthusiast values his gonads. Now, proceed with your death harbinger...ing...Harbinger... of Death...ing...harbinge.]

The list:

Betty White: I don’t want it to happen, but we’ve lost a Golden Girl each year for the past three years and that’s too strong a trend to ignore, as much as we may all want to. I expect a repeat of this voicemail from 2009:

Dad: “Hi, I’m just checking on you. I heard… you know, about Bea, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Call me.”

I was going through “a bad time,” and I’m fairly certain he was afraid her death would push me over the edge. Fifteen xanax, a bottle of Kentucky Deluxe, and a note that read simply “And then there’s Maude.”

Pope Benedict XVI: It hasn’t been a good year for the church. If I were in my eighties and had just spent the past year saying, in public, “Oh, come now, we’re not all pedophiles. I mean, statistically…” I would be ready to die.

Kim Jong-Il: He’s old, he’s sick, he’s as mad as an eel, and the chances daily increase that someone will hit the red button labeled “Fuck This Noise (Pyongyang).” We may be in for another round of the Mao-Castro “is he or isn’t he” dance. North Korea being as… unorthodox as it is, I’ll bet you we get at least one newsreel where he’s clearly been stuffed, and someone tries to make him nod by pressing the back of his head with a stick.

(PS, apparently there’s another Kim Jong-Il who’s a South Korean long jumper. I’m not sure about Korea (and who is?), but in most countries, if your parents name you “Benito Mussolini” or Whackjob von Nutz,” you go to the courthouse on your eighteenth birthday and sign up as “William Jones.”

Fidel Castro: Speaking of old Communists, I’ve thought Castro was dead for years. If Hollywood makeup and method acting can turn Charlize Theron into the spitting image of Aileen Wuornos, I think 2011 might be the year Michael Cera calls a press conference that begins, “Um. You know, the word ‘treason’ gets batted around a lot these days…”

One of those Professional Starcraft Kids, One’s as Good as Another, Really: you know how in the H. P. Lovecraft stories, everyone’s always going irrevocably insane because they saw something indescribable from beyond the stars? That’s how I feel about professional Starcraft. I tried to play a game of Starcraft once, and I’ve literally never shown less aptitude for any activity. It was like watching a brine shrimp try out for the Detroit Lions – I genuinely did not seem to have the right physical structures. With the pressure ramped up after this year’s release of Starcraft II, it can’t be long before one of them actually bursts into flames.

Otto von Habsburg: He has been the claimant to the various Habsburg thrones since 1922. That’s almost ninety years of “Oh, please. Just one little old kingdom. You’d hardly miss it.  You’re not even using – what’s this called? Slovakia? Well, I can change the name later. Just let me have it.” He is 98 and has twenty-three grandchildren and four citizenships. I would feel ready, I think.

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia: At 86, he recently transferred some of his powers to younger relatives. Now I’ve never been a king and I likely never will be one, but if I were, you could have my powers when you pried them out of my cold, dead, hands. If he’s anything like me, which we probably both hope is not the case, this transfer of power is a sign that his end is near.

Deborah Devonshire, Phyllis Diller, Angela Lansbury, Mel Brooks, the Queen of England, etc.: None of these have any particular warning signs except that they’re all over eighty and I like them all. 2010 was a very good year for me so, believer in the other shoe dropping that I am, I fully expect all the celebrities I like to kick it in 2011. (Yes, I do think people die deliberately to upset me. Why else?)

Ariel Sharon: In a coma for four years. This one feels kind of like a bunt, but everyone always used to put Brooke Astor on their death lists and she kept going for years and years…

Barbara Bush: Is a bitch. That’s my contribution.

Jimmy Carter: It simply isn’t healthy for an eighty-six-year-old man to scamper off to global tension spots every fifteen minutes. I think he’s decided to fall over dead during one of these trips and get a street named after him in some dangerous country, and I have to say it’s not a terrible plan, if only because it makes this address possible:

People’s Bureau of Correct Behavior Enforcement
1701 Jimmy Carter Avenue
Fort Nightmare, Dangerstan 00178

(Yes, all countries have American-style ZIP codes. It’s a NATO thing.)

People Who Won’t Die:

Aretha Franklin. Cancer better think (think!) twice, because Aretha Franklin is going to find its house, get the key out of the fake rock, and kick its ass.


kerry a. said...

I am up to late. I am excited for the big news!!!

I watched three hours of Golden Girls tonight and I don't want to say that you're right. But I feel the bad moon risin'...

Anonymous said...


I think about this blog a year ago...I looked forward to it everyday. All the time. It was the best and I told a babillion friends about it.

I was willing to "support" then.

But this has gotten ridiculous.

Meg, you are hilarious. And a wonderful writer. And the mojo to make it big. That is how much I believe in your ability.

But not your drive. I used to battle the "haters" on here (comments) because I thought they were too harsh.

But really, this has gotten sad.

I wish you the best. And Tulane Chris. But I've got to move on and support others who don't break promises and those that give me something to actually support.

I am uncharacteristically commenting Anonymous because I am sad to be so harsh. But I hope this at least show Meg the loyal fanbase she really is starting to lose...


Anonymous said...

See ya later anon @ 3:40. Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

Rayanne Graff said...

I love the idea that "the Queen of England" is a celebrity. (Also, in England, we just call her "the Queen". Like she's the only one.)

And why do you like HER?!?!?!

If any royal is likely to die, it's gonna be Charles and Camilla, at shock from coming into such close contact with commoners.

Anonymous 3.40, I don't... get... it? Was something about this post particularly offensive? Or is it lack of updating? Because I have to say, I've loved all the recent posts, and all have been fairly long and mega.

And if you look at the archives, 2008 = 115 posts; 2009 = 258 posts; 2010 = 215 (so far - and it ain't over!). I don't think Meg's falling that far short of the mark.

This isn't an "OMG, haters LEAVE!" comment. I'm genuinely interested, because I don't feel that there are THAT many fewer posts this year than last. YMMV.

Jon Hanson said...

Lots of good candidates for knock knock knockin' on Heaven's door here. A couple I have never heard of though.

Would like to see a couple lower percentage peeps to go along with all the 85+ year olds. Larry King, Mel Gibson, Lindsey Lohan all strikes me as possibilities.


Leigh said...

I am also confused by Anon's comment. I guess I'm confused why you've decided to "officially" leave. Are you saying you're too busy to take 5 seconds and check to see if the blog was updated? Cause if that's the case, wow. I didn't know President Obama was a fan...

Also, which promise did Meg break? The one where she said she'd update the blog everyday no matter what, even if her sister is getting married? Cause I don't remember that post...

yellaphant said...

Barbara Bush: Is a bitch. That’s my contribution.

My new life motto.

yellaphant said...

Also? How the fuck did you ever learn about Otto von Habsburg? I feel like I need to work him in to random conversations now. Like I've been missing out or something.

Anonymous said...

great list!

the only person i would add is zaza gabor, she is 92 and has a babillion health issues. she cant possibly make it for too much longer.

Anonymous said...

Barbara Bush is a bitch? Are you feeling defensive of Sarah Palin, whom Barbara said should stay in Alaska forever, or are you an idiot?

Laura P said...

Barbara Bush is legit a bitch, regardless of what she said about Sarah Palin. You could see it during Obama's inauguration when she booked it to her seat and left George (HW) Bush hobbling down the staircase by himself!

Which is to say, I'm with you on that one TC

Hassenblog said...

Agree! What the heck is your problem with Barbara Bush? Even if you're a raging liberal, which is totally fine, why Barb? Ditto the above comment - she literally just basically told the public that she thinks Sarah Palin should be imprisoned in Alaska forever...so there's that. I guess we're all entitled to opinions, but really?

Anonymous said...

Big news next week in 2b1b speak = about a month or two from now. Considering Meg promised a post (that she basically already gave an outline for) for "tomorrow" and that was 3 or 4 days ago.

Guys we all love you but please either stop using definitive deadlines when talking about future posts, or actually post when you say you will. It just creates a big letdown (because we're all so excited about porn spit, and then... nothing).

7 said...

So you guys have 43 unpublished drafts of posts?

Anonymous said...

Aretha Franklin. Cancer better think (think!) twice, because Aretha Franklin is going to find its house, get the key out of the fake rock, and kick its ass.


ELS said...

I ASSUMEEE you have seen this, Meg, but if not- Exciting news!


Anonymous said...

I just have to say, I love how Meg posted 4 parenthetical notes within her Editor's Note brackets. And that she closed them all. Things like that just make me swoon.

Also, TC, you're awesome. I love your posts.

Kate said...

ELS, I was about to post the exact same thing.

Meg, You have something to look forward to in 2011! The Hagman is coming back to TV!


Alix said...

To those who don't get why Barbara Bush might be considered a bitch, here are two prime examples:

1) In reaction to the government prohibiting images of soldier's coffins coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan (the war the her son started) being printed/shown on TV:

"Why should we hear about body bags and deaths and how many, what day it's going to happen, and how many this or what do you suppose? Oh, I mean, it's, not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?"

2)Regarding the treatment of Hurricane Katrina victims:

"Almost everyone I've talked to says: 'We're going to move to Houston,' " Mrs Bush said late on Monday after visiting evacuees at the Astrodome with her husband, former president George Bush.

"What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality," she said.

"And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this - this is working very well for them."

She is beyond tone-deaf and blind to her privilege. So that's why she's a bitch.

TonicSOS said...

Meg: Spanx! I was somehow able to fit in my bridesmaid dress for my bro's wedding last year with the help of Spanx that were one size too small to really tell my body to KEEP IT IN.

Love all the posts. Anonymous 3:40 AM is lame. When 2b1b isn't highlighted in my Reader as having a new entry I just catch up on Gawker and Jezebel. Anon should relax.

TonicSOS said...

--Another Spanx remark: You won't be able to sit or breathe comfortably, but after several white wines (or another classy wedding-type drink) you (surprisingly) won't really notice. Also, after so many white wines you may end up dancing to Billy Idol "White Wedding" with your dad. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Is your spacebar broken or is this AN weird inside joke that I'm not getting? Seriously. The no spaces between some words and not others thing is really getting annoying. I seriously just asked myself, Who's Aneel? and then I figured out that you meant an eel. I'm really tired of figuring these things out, man. Real tired.

Jen said...

Anon 12:00

you might consider going through the archives. it is not so much inside jokes as much as...things just developing into something. i went back through them when i first started reading a year ago and that is the only reason it all makes sense.

once you know, it is pretty funny!!!!!!1

Jane said...

I'm so scared for Don Rickles. He's the funniest human on the planet...and inches away from the grave.

Amy said...

Anon 12:00 pm:

There are no space issues like the one you reference (at least when I look at it). Stop criticizing them just cause your browser is messed up.

Allison said...

apparently bea arthur used to be an ass-kicking marine. link: http://jezebel.com/5711367/bea-arthurs-secret-past-as-a-truck+driving-marine

AP said...

I really can't believe so many people bitch in the comments section about not getting enough posts. "waaaah, but you proooomised!" Seriously? Are you the 2b1b boss? Do you pay Meg and TC to write? (Donating to the PayPal account does NOT count -- that's charity.) IT'S A COMEDY BLOG, people. Laugh when there's a new post... wait patiently when there isn't.

Keep it up Meg and TC, I always appreciate a good snarf-on-my-lunch-at-my-desk laugh, no matter if I had to wait a day or two longer than usual for it.

Veronica said...

Amen AP! Amen!

People need to take a chill pill.

I heart TC and Meg.

Have an awesome time at your sister's wedding!

Meghan said...

Did you hear that Hagman's got a role in Desperate Housewives? Apparently he's going to be one of the ladies mom's lover...according to Perez Hilton.

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:00:

Not an inside joke, something weird going on with Google Reader, I think, for the past two weeks or so. In the Reader there are spaces missing here and there, but if you read the post through the website, all is well.

kateebee said...

i didn't actually read this entry bc i'm only sitting here long enough to drink a pre-happy hour glass of wine. i am on my way to the most awkward happy hour ever. please expect an unsolicited guest post in your inboxes describing what i am about to go do.

Anonymous said...

Wow, if you're that wrapped up in yourself that you have to post about "officially" leaving a blog, then you have some other issues. Get off the interwebs and get a life.

808marty said...

GREAT post! Esp. the one about the StarCraft player. (Currently it's one of my addictions and its great to see its worthy enough to make your list.)

Screw Anonymous 3:40. EVERY morning the FIRST thing do is check for an update on this blog. It literally RUINS my day if there is none. And if there is, I try to go without reading it for as long as possible so as to make the work day bearable by keeping something to look forward to. (sad I know, please don't judge me) So again, screw Anan 3:40 and keep up the great work!

beth said...

I can't believe you called Barbara Bush a bitch. (And like someone else said above, that's fine if you're a raging liberal, but there are other people you can pick on....).I don't know if I can ever look at you the same TC, honestly. And the fact that there are so many Barbara Bush haters that read the blog? Suddenly feeling like this is not the kind of place I belong - which is sad because I usually love the blog, but this has really tainted it. Your image just isn't the same. Sorr :(

Anonymous said...

Such oversensitive readers here.

"OMG you're bashing Barbara Bush, OMG you don't post as much as I want you to, OMG you have lives and miss deadlines, I'm so offended. I just can't look at you the same way again."

Either deal with it or GTFO and get a life, nobody wants to read your whiny posts.

Anonymous said...

Jerry Lewis. I'm just saying.

Anonymous said...

sigh. Chris, your writing is so awful and unfocused it gives me a raging headache.

Anonymous said...

You don't like Chris's writing? Then BOUNCE, mother fucker.

They have lives that make them late for "deadlines" for something that they do for FREE? Boo fucking hoo.

You don't agree with every single thing said by the birds (re: Barb Bush being a bitch)? Um, ok. Don't whine. If it really bugs you that much go start a I <3 Barb Bush fan club and STOP READING.

Seriously, people. It's just a blog. And a great one at that. Mellow.

Anonymous said...

Bahahah the comments are almost as good as the posts sometimes!

KristiM said...

Meg~ Did you hear that Larry Hagman will be guest starring on Desperate Housewives. It might be the one thing that makes that show acceptable to watch for a few episodes!!

Brittan said...

Um, I threw my head back and guffawed at several points in this post. Loudly and alone in my living room. So. Eff the Anons.

ALSO. Did you know that Dick Van Dyke was SURFING (at 85!), fell asleep, drifted off to sea and then was rescued by porpoises?! I could not make this chiz up.


He has officially been added to my "NEVER DYING" list.

Justin said...

I just found your blog. Great stuff.

Anonymous said...

NPM? again? grrrrrrrr

Anonymous said...

haha give it up I think we've all accepted that it is not a daily blog anymore. still super funny just take the posts you still get.

Anonymous said...

I have a feeling Meg & Chris write these anonymous comments just to fuck with us. And in true 2b1b fashion, I get a big laugh out of them! Great work you two!

jen said...

NPM? Geee what a shock....

Anonymous said...

i love all of the pearl clutching going on over chris' babs hate. she is a bitch guys. i mean, not in the "oh dear lord don't let that crazy ass bitch run for office again" way that sarah palin is, but more like, "oh dear lord please don't let that woman get sat in my section," style of secret bitch. you know, the kind who smiles at you, but she's dead behind the eyes.

she's your basic over privileged old white lady bitch. i'm sure she loves her kids and has family values and yada, but she also "grew up in a different time," if we're using euphemisms

Brittany said...

Guys... I love you so much and I'm sorry to get real-Jeff Van Vonderen-Intervention style real w u but.... You guys are poor ass 20 somethings like me, and I suspect you're JUST as lazy as me...considering I'm a broke grad student BUT PLEASE don't tease me with a spit and porn entry and don't deliver!!! I mean c'mon man!!! Meg, you and me are the same person I understand how easy it is for me to lay in boyshorts and watch HOURS of real housewives of beverly hills and hate camille for being such a perfect looking hollywood ho but I swear to larry hagman.. I need daily blurbs to keep my sanity!! Love yaaa

Mademoiselle Hautemess said...

I was going to vote for Don Knotts but then remembered that he died in 2006. FML

Anonymous said...

NPM, NPT, hmmmm the wedding is def over by now. Guess that HUGE news is that sitting around,drinking,and watching tv has become too much of a responsibilityto write this silly blog.

Anonymous said...

ok i totally understand that you're under no obligation to post every day, it's a free blog that you do for fun and i respect that. but seriously, don't tell us you're gonna post something "tomorrow" (aka the porn post that was supposed to come ohh last thursday) and then never do it. it gets our hopes up and then rips them to shreds. if you're gonna post great! but if you don't see a post coming in the near future, please don't toy with our emotions!

Anonymous said...

When there is no post I just come back here and read all the comments about how there is no post. It's almost as good as a post.

Anonymous said...

Anon 11:29

totes agree!

meg and chris should just put up a post that says, check out the comments! bahahah

Nina said...

Oh dear lord...do you know what you've just done?!?! You, my friend, have just signed Betty White’s death certificate for this year! If she croaks, I.Curse.You.

...and I think you should add Rip Torn to the list...he looks like he was ready to kick the bucket a few liver transplants ago.

Anonymous said...

I agree with anon 10:01am!!

Anonymous said...

Nice mention on Keith and the Girl

Danielle said...

miss you guys.

it's finals week at good old Columbia University..need some distractions!!

Anonymous said...

2b1b is officially deleted from my bookmarks. i'll check back next year, maybe there will be a new post or two...

Anonymous said...

Ohhhh Anon 11:10...I'm so close!

Anonymous said...

oh NOT debo mitford! she's the best duchess of devonshire ever and i havent gotten to meet her! i want to tell her how much i love her family before she dies.

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