12.17.2010

Tulane Chris and the Christmas Spirit

[Before we get to today's Tulane Chris post, I have a few items of housekeeping:

1.) I will pay you 10 whole American dollars if you write a brief, funny and heartfelt maid of honor speech, stuff a sleeping bag into your bra, strap on a wig and deliver it as me tomorrow night at my sister's wedding. Because right now all I've got is an open Word document with the lyrics to "This is How We Do It" in comically large font.

2.) I'm kind of buzzed and it's all because

3.) This is how we do it.

4.) Our big announcement had to be moved to next week. (Hint: It's not not that Tulane Chris is gay.)

5.) Every time I remember that my dress isn't back from the tailor's yet and tomorrow's the wedding, my stomach drops directly into my asshole and a few more years are shaved off my life.

6.) Washing down a painkiller with a glass of champagne before the wedding ceremony is a good idea, or isn't a good idea? Advise.

7.) What if it's half a painkiller?

8.) Happy T.G.I. Hagman!
Photobucket
As of December 17, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! And has these words of wisdom for my sister and her fiance:
"A marriage is like a salad: the man has to know how to keep his tomatoes on the top." - JR Ewing ("Dallas" #13.24)
I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I am sure I'd like it read aloud by a loved one at my hypothetical future wedding. OK, I'm going to go google public speaking tips and continue to not eat anything. Have a great weekend and yay Becca and Geoff!!! Take it away, Chris.] 

As you may have imagined, I’m not a big holiday person. If I were in charge of the calendar, we’d only celebrate Repeal Day (the American drinking holiday), St. Patrick’s Day (the Americans-pretending-to-be-Irish drinking holiday), Cinco de Mayo (the Americans-pretending-to-be-Mexicans drinking holiday), and Simchat Torah (the little-celebrated Orthodox Jews drinking holiday.) For some reason, though, this year was an exception. I was really looking forward to going home for Christmas, pouring some mulled wine into Mom, and making Texas-themed nativity scenes out of construction paper to confuse nearby children.

“This is, uh… Leroy, the Christmas Jackalope. He carried Mary’s bags out to the stable. He tried to get ice, but the machine was broken.”

I even bought a poinsettia, which looked very festive for the three days it lived. Today, thought, I made a mistake fatal to my newfound Christmas cheer: I left the house.

Is it Christmas or cold weather that makes street preachers emerge? They were everywhere today, like a swarm of devout locusts. In the ten or so blocks I walked, I saw:

-       A man holding a book in the air and hollering. I assumed it was a Bible and he was hollering about Christianity, but it could as easily have been a Harlequin romance in a Bible cover. I could only make out the words “Jesus Christ”: “Manamah bok-tu wah boh! Jesus Christ! Fo-tah-nah boh Jesus Christ! Rama-lama-ding-dong Jesus Christ!” He was either from outer space, or had received the attentions of a very devout, very distractible speech therapist.
-       A man wearing a hand-lettered sandwich board about how Ireland had declared war on the United Kingdom. I didn’t know if he meant in 1916 and just wanted to be sure we were all up to speed, or if he was part of a new “Al-Jazeera – Streetcorner Madman Edition.” He was handing out pamphlets and I badly wanted one, but… you know. Cooties.
-       Some guy handing out copies of the Watchtower. Now, my understanding of Jehovah’s Witnesses is that they believe that only 144,000 people will go to Heaven. I don’t consider myself a bad person, per se, but I’m reasonably sure I’m not one of the 144,000 best people who ever lived. (Best in bed, sure. Best at Yahtzee, you bet. But overall best, no.) Also, I’m reasonably sure there have been 144,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses by now, so isn’t joining that church kind of like buying a ticket for yesterday’s lottery?
-       The Israelite PDKU (or similar.) Every weekend, four or so black men set up a little stage and loudspeaker somewhere on Market Street and explain how Jews aren’t really Jews, they’re the Jews, Jesus was the Antichrist, and women should stay in the home while the menfolk go out and kill Whitey. I’m more upset by the shouting than the implied race war.

So, I managed to get to Old Navy still a lapsed Anglican. Barely, though – coming to home to a hot meal and a blow job after a hard day killing Whitey does have its appeal. I had a spat with some bitch in the checkout line. Now, on Earth, time proceeds in a linear fashion. Night follows day, spring follows winter, and you wait your turn in line. As I was checking out, the next two women in line behind me interrupted the cashier to try to return things without a receipt. Woman A took no for an answer, but Woman B, a homely little number, would not.

Woman A: “Can I change this size without a receipt?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but no.”

Woman A: “Okay.”

Woman B (Homelina von Shrew): “How about for a different color?”

Cashier: “Not without a receipt.”

Homelina von Shrew: “Just a quick exchange?”

Cashier: “We’re not allowed, I’m sorry.”

HvS: “Just… can I just switch these tags here?”

Cashier: “No, I’m sorry, not without a receipt.”

HvS: “I can’t just trade this?”

Tulane Chris: “I’m sorry, I’m trying to check out. She said no.”

HvS: “Well! Merry Christmas to you too!

She flounced out of the store before I could poke out her eye with the receipt spindle. Now, explain this to me: she interrupts my transaction to harass the cashier, won’t take no for an answer, puts the cashier in an awkward position, and I’m the asshole? Why am I not “in the Christmas spirit” if I don’t think she should get to line-jump and nag? Should I have handed her a cup of hearty Christmas ale and bought her the sweater she wanted? Is that festive? Is that Christmasy enough for you? After that we can go home, light a nice toasty fire with all our receipts, and call 911 to bring us cheeseburgers. They won’t mind! It’s Christmas.

So, increasingly sour, I went to the fancy soap store to buy a gift box for my grandmother’s new pug. Ultimately, I’ve spent more money on his gifts than those for my human family and friends: in addition to the dog bath gift set I bought at the soap store, he’s also getting a pack of rawhide candy canes and a chewable platypus with removable squeaky eggs. (The idea is that the dog learns to claw the eggs out, which gets more disturbing every time I think of it.) The dog gift box features shampoo, “paw balm,” and a dry rub which I was severely cautioned about:

Soap Man: “That dry rub is to be used sparingly.”

Tulane Chris: “Okay.”

Soap Man: “It’s got cornmeal in it.”

Tulane Chris: “Okay.” (Cornmeal? I’m not going to fry the dog…)

Soap Man: “You don’t want to overload its fur with it.”

Tulane Chris: “Okay?”

Soap Man: “Put it in your hand first, then rub it on the dog. Especially on its neck. You don’t want to use a lot. It’s just to get the stink out.”

Maybe I’m just a prude, but when I think about “getting the stink out” of an animal, my first thought is not “better put cornmeal on its neck.” I use an old-fashioned Southern remedy called “brush its teeth and wash its ass.” Also, I bought it and I’ll do what I want with it. If I want to rub it on my own neck, I’ll damn well do it. If I want to whip it up with an egg and spread it on the dog and let it dry into a crust and carefully crack it off and pour wax into it and make a wax model of the pug, I will. Dammit.

Then I went to the liquor store. If anything could revive my holiday cheer… but it was not to be. As I approached, a man going in politely held the door for an older man coming out, then let it slam in my face. You know what’s great about liquor stores? Liquor. You know what a side effect of that is? No children. So why did a woman bring her screaming toddler into the liquor store? “Come, Tansy. Let’s go annoy the drunks. It’s Christmas.” Also, why do people with screaming children approach the problem in one of two completely ineffective ways: by doing nothing, or by yelling at the child? Let’s plot it out:

Child makes noise -> ignore it -> child continues to make noise until distracted by snail.

Child makes noise -> yell at child -> child makes more noise to drown out adult.

It continued. At the pharmacy, the pharmacist hollered a question about my “narcotics” (generic Ritalin) to his co-worker across the room, in front of a line of several people. The “burrito technician” at Qdoba winked at me and said, “See you tomorrow,” which means I can never go there again. He apparently has me confused with someone who does go there every day, which means I look like someone who goes to the burrito store every day, which implies horrible things. Either that, or he’s going to break into my apartment. I’m okay with that as long as he brings a sprig of holly – after all, it’s Christmas.

54 comments:

Anna said...

omg. beccas getting married. MAZEL!!!! hope you find the random black purse at the end!!

"Mike" said...

Here's the problem with you and Meg both: You're too goddamn sensitive. Just tell people to go fuck themselves, wipe your ass, and call it a day. So a lady was a bitch to you? Just punch get in the fucking head and go on your way. No need to continue to whine about it a day later.

"Mike" said...

*her not get... Stupid swype.

Anonymous said...

mike: chill dude, "it's christmas!"

everyone will surely be interested to know that it's only tc's posts that show up sans spaces in google reader -- meg's don't! hooray!

Anonymous said...

Hilaaarious! And Mike, it's called hyperbole. Because getting mildly perturbed isn't nearly as funny as getting manically incensed.

Anonymous said...

Ughhhh! I have to go to the Market Street Old Navy today...so not looking forward to the religious extremism and yelling. Is it just me or do people just drop there >5 year old children off at the doors of the Gallery and let them run amuck?

Rayanne Graff said...

"Mike", I'm pretty sure TC isn't sensitive so much as he is hilarious. And if he didn't whine about it a day later... it'd be No Post Friday and we'd all lose.

"Punch her in the head": not funny. Refer to her as "Homelina von Shrew": funny.

"If I want to whip it up with an egg and spread it on the dog and let it dry into a crust and carefully crack it off and pour wax into it and make a wax model of the pug, I will. Dammit."

TC, I love you more with each passing post.

Anonymous said...

The only thing worse than people who whine about idiots at Christmas time (which aint that bad) is people who whine about blog posts.

kristyn said...

This post raised my Christmas spirits more than any Christmas ale or 911-delivered cheeseburger could ever hope to raise them!

Yay, Tulane Chris!

Meghan said...

Oh Christ TC...you are hilarious!

Anonymous said...

TC, this was just hilar. Best yet! Loves.

Laura said...

Mike, when TC 'whines' about something, it's hilarious and we want to read it. When you whine about blog posts, it makes me want to sacrifice you in the name of Larry Hagman, but the gods would probably be insulted that you were all we could scrounge up. So just nhhhh.

Anonymous said...

bahahaha, i love TC's posts! especially ones that reference your texan roots. hilarious!!

Caitlin said...

Perhaps this "Santapede" will bring back your Christmas spirit.

http://failbook.failblog.org/2010/12/14/funny-facebook-fails-around-the-interwebz-8/

Courtney said...

"(The idea is that the dog learns to claw the eggs out, which gets more disturbing every time I think of it.)"

^^HILARIOUS.

Please post a pic of your grandma's pug with this toy. I'm insanely curious.

Anonymous said...

Meg, instead of a MoH speech how about you show your love via Double.Dream.Hands?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dm7yAWpX1Mc

Monica said...

OMG, the pug paragraph was ridiculous...as in ridiculously hilarious. I've been reading this blog a while and haven't laughed outloud like that in the middle of the office in quite a while.

Well done sir.

pook555 said...

TC that was hilarious! And good luck to Meg with the wedding speech!!

Can I just say that people who interrupt you in line (or, say, begin loading their groceries on the conveyor belt while you still have a cartload to check out with) need to get lumps of (exploding) coal in their stockings! This goes for those on cellphones when checking out as well...

Elizabeth said...

Maybe I’m just a prude, but when I think about “getting the stink out” of an animal, my first thought is not “better put cornmeal on its neck.”

Hahhaha. Yes, TC, yes.

Sarah said...

I just had to share my best Liquor store experience. It occurred last year during Snowmegedon & everyone wanted booze. Luckily those of use in the long line were entertained by the guy selling bootleg porn.

Nicki said...

So...why can't dog's skin have a lot of cornmeal on it? Can my skin have cornmeal on it? Can I substitute cornstarch? Man, I have so many questions for this dog store employee.

Timothy said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Thanks for that Chris.

Jennifer said...

OMMMMG!

Chris.

Qdoba used to be my PLACE before I moved to Austin, where there is not AN single Qdoba.
In one week I'll be in Dallas for the fun family festivities that will end with a shotgun and yelling....
BUT first, Qdoba!

Great post, btw.

Anonymous said...

I know that the only reason "Mike," comments on here is to try to drum up readers for his terrible blog, and I should not encourage or draw attention to it- but jesus christ is that some god-awful shit! Negro of the week?! If you're going to be chauvinist and racist (as he proudly admits to being) than at LEAST be funny about it. Okay, rant over.

"Mike" said...

To be fair, Anon, I have been meaning to change that bio a bit. It's quite dated, and I don't think I'm actually a racist or chauvinist- I'm more of a realist. And yes, posting comments on here does lead to a couple of views on Scoop and Slam, but they're usually pointless views because the lesbian shitasses on here generally do not see eye to eye with my views on different things, and they aren't likely to come back. Honestly, I generally believe in and stand behind the comments I leave on here. The responses I get are often times pretty entertaining, and they help get me through my work day. But in fairness, I do usually enjoy the writing on here.

Anonymous said...

can anyone tell me what happened to Queer Abby? is it done with and i just missed that?

Anonymous said...

TC- Keeping up with Meg is really hard (I've been reading the blog for years and always like red more than blue) but you are also SO FUNNY. I love you guys!

Anonymous said...

So Mike, just to be clear from your response- you don't actually enjoy the blog or the views of the "lesbian shitasses" who read it, and yet you read it anyway. Obviously you need some good reading recommendations!

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Friends

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080527193303AAW4MJ4

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/penile-implants/MY00358

"Mike" said...

But in fairness, I do usually enjoy the writing on here.

Looks like someone needs to spend a little less time Googling "how to make friends," and a little more time learning how to read.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm all I want for Christmas is for all "Mike" comments to be replaced with "Comment removed by author."

The Juice said...

I haven't read this blog in awhile but it was the perfect anectdote to a Monday at work post-lunch. Thanks for making me laugh so loud it caused confusion. Love ya!

Kristin S. said...

i would love any and all MOH speech advice... i have impending nuptials that i must also give a speech for. worst tradition ever!

Anonymous said...

Mike is akin to the same people who consistently troll web forums just to get attention. The worst kind of people.

Even so, I can't help myself.

Mike, you write your own blog (a shitty one at that, you are obviously just an asshole in general, and NOT a funny asshole), and yet spend way too much time leaving negative comments on this blog almost everyday. Why? Does it make you feel better about yourself?

You should try getting out of the house some, maybe finding a girl who will let you stick your dick in her, so that you'll be in a better mood.

Meg and TC always make me proud to be a part of the human race, then Mike consistently fucking reminds me how shitty people are.

It's unfair to bring your negativity over here. Take your shitty little whiny attitude to your own fucking blog and stop leeching off other's success.

Jennifer said...

So I have a question!

What in the heck is the Sarah G Miner thing about? And how did I not know Meg had this other...blog...voting thing?

I've been reading for just over a year now, read every post from the first to current, and NEVER knew this existed.

Help?

"Mike" said...

Actually, I do indeed post on here from outside my house. Unfortunately, though, I do it from the office, so it's nothing exciting. And my girlfriend happens to be the one who introduced me to this blog. Come on, do you really think someone like me would find this site on my own?

lithiawood said...

I heard about this blog through Keith and the Girl, and I'm so glad I did - it's hilarious! Definitely getting bookmarked for further reading!

Anonymous said...

144,000 will go to heaven and the rest of us will live in a paradise earth :) --- just a fun trivia from one of those people giving out the Watchtower.

I don't buy into the Christmas stuff either. Nowhere in the Bible it was mentioned J.C. ever celebrated his birthday.

Anonymous said...

Hey, you got an advertiser! Hope it's the start of you getting some income from this.

Anonymous said...

Mike, I think the confusion of all us Anons is regarding why someone with misanthropic intentions would take time out of their busy day to antagonize another blog? Or maybe I just answered my own question.

Sara said...

here's the MOH speech I gave at my besties wedding a few months ago. You can't go wrong with a little Michael Jackson and karaoke:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PbpoKzMDXk

Anonymous said...

Anon at 8:36 - I don't see any advertisements on the site...what am i missing? i hope you're right though, and meggles DID get some ad revenue!

"Mike" said...

But how am I being antagonistic? I'm just bored at work, postin' comments on one of my fave blogs and being called names and getting made fun of by anonymous individuals.

Anonymous said...

Anon 11:21--It's Grand Opening Posters, look under archives

Anonymous said...

True Story:

my BF just said: (in regards to the Superbowl)

"It better not be Philly. I hate the Eagles. They're a bunch of YANKEES up there!"

So, I responded:

"Well, baby, isn't Baltimore a bunch of yankees?"

BF:

"Yeah. but they seem conservative at least!"

Hahah I don't know what it means. Just wanted to illustrate the use of yankee in the south! (re: previous post)

Anonymous said...

Maryland is south of the Mason-Dixon line, so TECHNICALLY people who live in Baltimore are not Yankees.

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