12.08.2010

Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entries:

- First and foremost, I didn't forget about last Thursday's cracked out promise to do a "Spit in Porn" entry; it'll go up tomorrow. I need one more day to gather my thoughts on the subject matter. Because I have a lot of them. But like, a lot of them. To the point where the thought of organizing them into a cohesive blog entry is completely overwhelming. Thus, I've decided I shall spend all day today in a dark corner of a quiet coffee shop, pair of bifocals perched slightly below the bridge of my nose, brow furrowed while I flip through old leather-bound books on human sexuality, biology and...spit..., feverishly taking notes and yelling at the waitress for interrupting my train of thought to do something as pedestrian as clear my cup away, a-thank you. Because tomorrow's entry isn't going to be just your run-of-the-mill blog postit's going to be my opus.


- Only 10% of me is shocked that my opus involves spitting on genitals.


- Based on my interest in "Nip/Tuck" and Louis C.K. stand-up, Netflix has recommended that I watch Scooby-Doo and the Monster of Mexico.
Photobucket
That dog better be in Mexico to get cheap botox or because he deeply resents his children; anything less and Netflix and I are going to need to have words.


- There is no other music in the world that toes the line between "jolly" and "I'm going to kill myself tonight" like Christmas music. While I was waiting for Teresa to come over and drink wine and Christmas-ify my apartment with me last night, I put on my Pandora Christmas music station and started tidying up a bit. At first it was playing swingin' Michael Buble "Holly Jolly Christmas" type stuff, but somewhere along the line it slowly progressed into like, recently orphaned children singing through their tears about Christmas trees and songs comprised of a single, haunting bell echoing through the night that forgot you. I didn't even notice the progression happening; one minute I was making my bed and the next I was curled up in it, hysterically crying and wailing, "I'M SO FUCKING ALONE!" into a pillow.


- That being said, the Christmas spirit has arrived in the old Meg McBlogger residence!
Photobucket


Photobucket
My Christmas tree is kind of anorexic. And fake. And casting spooky shadows on my wall in that picture. And up until a few hours ago was covered in Luna bar wrappers and old US magazines in the crack between my bed and the wallor my Shame Hole, as I call it. And by Luna Bars, I obviously mean empty ice cream cartons. And it's now standing on an old H&M pashmina covering a Jäger cooler. Basically my Christmas tree is the antithesis of Alex's fancy-pants real person Christmas tree: Photobucket
Whatevs. Mine's got moxie.


- Speaking of Teresa, I never thought I'd say this to anything but the mirror as I gaze at my Thrillhouse tattoo (which, for the record, I do quite often), but this is probably the sexiest tattoo I've ever seen: Photobucket
If Maryland pride is gay, then I'm the Old Line State's Bruce Vilanche.


- If all goes well this year with HannuClaus, I will soon be making the switch from a duvet to a comforter. I'm kind of bummed about it though, because truthfully I find duvets more comfortable than comforters. My problem with duvets, however, is that I'm an incredibly active sleeper and as I toss and turn all night, the duvet separates and gets pushed down to the bottom of the cover and I somehow manage to tangle myself in the entire apparatus and all of a sudden I'm having nightmares about being in a straitjacket and feh. I feel like it has to just be easier to get a comforter. I'm tired of not getting enough sleep because the ratio of duvet to cover is off.


Speaking of my odd little bed neurosis, there was a solid month in 2004 when my sister's best friend, Rachel, would sign into AIM for the sole purpose of featuring a new "Embarrassing Meg McBlogger Fact of the Day" on her profile. I completely forgot about this little gem until it was a featured EMMFOD: 
Embarrassing Meg McBlogger Fact of the Day: When Meghan was a little girl, her parents used to have to safety pin her pillow to the center of the bed.
Uh, A.) that's incredibly true and although safety pins aren't in the mix anymore, the odds of me being able to sleep if my pillow is off-center is still slim-to-none; B.) That being said, just the fact that safety pins were even involved in my bed time growing up makes me feel so Aspie's I'm shocked there isn't a social worker reading this over my shoulder as I type.


- You know what I've come to realize? If God forbid I ever run out of things to write about, all I need to do to get more material is simply go down into the metro. I don't even necessarily have to take it anywhere! I just need to physically enter the human cesspool that is the Washington, D.C. metro system and within 30 seconds, I guarantee you I'll have a story about how society is crumbling in upon itself and I want to set 98% of everyone I see on fire. Case and point:


I had the great displeasure of taking the metro to my parent's house during the peak of evening rush hour the other night. I entered the metro from Dupont south and from the top of the descending escalator I could see that the platform was packed everywhere except for the far end. "HUZZAH!" I thought to myself. Still reeling from Ren Fest. Apparently. "That's the side where the train pulls in; the first few cars are normally pretty empty anyway. I'll stand there!"


I slowly worked my way through the crowd and eventually arrived at the opposite end of the platform. As I stood there waiting for the next train, I felt very content with my situation as I had about five feet on either side of me free of Other Person. Which is exactly when an older woman walked over and stood directly in front of me. Let me repeat that: Bitch stood DIRECTLY. IN FRONT. OF. ME. She had more than enough room to stand next to me, but she chose to stand in front of me. And you know what pissed me off most about that situation? It wasn't that she was poaching my prime platform real estate; it wasn't that her person was about three inches away from mine and very clearly invading my privacy bubble; it wasn't that she was going to board the train before me although I got there firstit was that what she did was the equivalent of the people on "The Price is Right" who graduate from Contestant's Row by bidding one-dollar more than the highest bidder. You people are the fucking scum of the earth and if I'm sure of anything in this world, it's that there's a Hell and there's a special place for you in it. In my mind, here's the pecking order of Hell:

1.) Hilter
2.) Pol Pot
3.) An army of child molesters
4.) "The Price is Right" —and one, Bob! bidders
5.) Osama bin Laden

That's right, and one, Bob! bidders come before Osama bin Laden. You people are collectively worse than the mastermind of 9/11. I am genuinely shocked that murders haven't been committed as a result of someone betting one-dollar more than the highest bidder, winning, and going on to play Plinko. Because Lord knows I'd kill you! I'd kill you, pry that fucking bedroom set from the Ashley group out of your cold, dead hands, and dance on your grave! And you can say, "Oh, that's just the way you play the game. Those people are being smart," but I completely reject that. You know why? Because there's a little thing called dignity in sport. I mean, we'd all win a few more football games if we went around shaking members of the opposing team, but nobody would actually do that because there's no dignity in that win. If you're going to walk into "The Price is Right" studios, come correctknow the prices of shit. Go to Safeway and do some recon; it's not that hard. A bottle of Garlique is $15.99. There. Have some god damn respect for yourself. Don't just wait until the fine Americans who actually did their homework place their bids and then bid one-dollar more. It's disrespectful to me, it's disrespectful to them, it's disrespectful to Bob Barker and his Beauties, and it makes a mockery out of what is undeniably the finest game show of the 20th century.


And that's why I hate the metro.

56 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bahahah great post!

Anonymous said...

Here's an idea for your duvet conundrum: safety pin the four corners of the duvet to the corresponding corners of your cover. It will keep your cover in place AND you get the added comfort of sleeping with safety pins again.

Rayanne Graff said...

Or (and bear with me here), safety pin YOURSELF to the mattress! No more thrashing around, equals no more duvet/duvet cover ratio problems.

Actually, my solution is two duvets, one atop the other, then a blanket, then a bedspread on top. The sheer weight of all this pins me down and stops me thrashing; plus if by some mishap the duvet/cover gets out of alignment, I can kick that one away and lo, there is another, well-aligned warmer still covering me.

Anonymous said...

Have you watched the Price is Right recently...I feel like Drew Carey is one Garlique bottle from machine gunning the entire audience. Perhaps the "and $1 Bobbers" are getting to him too.

Great post!

Anonymous said...

I've definitely tried the safety pinning of my duvet, it doesn't work and then the cover gets ripped. i don't suggest it.

Anonymous said...

get a duvet cover from the company store, they come with little ties in the inside corners that you use to secure the comforter to the cover, it's great!

thedrunxter said...

despite your tree looking like you unwound a reef and held it up with a branch, at least it still has some style (some definitely needs to be italicized)
good luck with everything and scooby doo

Anonymous said...

thoughts:

1) HannuClaus is a WAY BETTER combination of the holidays than Chrismukkah.
2) fantastic post

Anonymous said...

and $1! I see nothing wrong. Call me what you want.

J said...

"There is no other music in the world that toes the line between "jolly" and "I'm going to kill myself tonight" like Christmas music." --Amen, Meg McBlogger. A. fucking. men.

Anonymous said...

great post meg! regarding your duvet cover conundrum: bed bath and beyond makes plastic thingies (for complete lack of a better term, unfortunately) that keep your duvet and cover together. i've used them all four years of college and they work amazingly well!

http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/Product.asp?SKU=12022778&

.. said...

Sleep in a sleeping bag. Problem solved!

Lucky and Gizzy said...

I hate to admit it, but I safety-pinned my duvet to the cover.

It works.

-L

MARJORIE said...

wow! well said, madam, well said

Nate said...

I have the same duvet cover problem, Meist. I'm a Night Thrasher and couldn't stay still while sleeping if someone paid me to. I'm actually been kicked out of a hotel room by friends once for "Sleeping Too Loud."

I think it may be time for one of us to actually build the fabled, mystical Slammock.

Laura said...

You couldn't have captured the essence of Christmas music more perfectly. Bravo. Christmas Pandora stations are like playing Russian Roulette with your emotions.

PS. I love Louis CK.

Anonymous said...

you are hilarious.

Panda said...

I love the pumpkin mixed in with your Christmas decorations and I'm not at all being sarcastic because I have the same little pumpkin sitting on our shelf on top of all of our Christmas movies!

Anonymous said...

I tried safety pinning my duvet and I am a world class thrasher at night. I ended up sticking the crap out of myself, don't do it! Get the comforter! I actually don't have a top sheet for the same thrashing reason and now I just have a bottom sheet and the comforter and it is awesome! Good luck.

Oh and going back to last weeks post on "I saw mommy kissing santa claus" I have to admit even with the knowledge that its supposed to be the dad I still think she's a whore.

Can't wait for tomorrow's post!

Andrea said...

While I hate the - and one! bidders myself, I do love the looks of pure hate that they get from the contestant they bid over. Those are some of the best looks you'll ever see.

And just to clarify for the people who are saying "and $1", I think she's talking about the people who, when someone bids $500, bid $501. Not the people who think everyone overbid so they bid $1, if that's what you're thinking. Those people are being smart and not jacking someone else's well deserved chance to play Plinko!.

Courtney said...

I perfer duvets (and is the blanket that goes inside called the duvet or is the cover that goes over it called the duvet? I always get them confused, and my mom gets huffy with me like it's a national tragedy that I'm not well versed in bed linens). My only beef with duvets, other than what you mentioned in your post, is the feather situation. My duvet spits out feathers like it's going out of style, and those little bastards POKE!

Lydia said...

I used to sleep with a duvet, and I was always far too lazy to put that shit in the duvet cover. I got around it by using a top sheet, duvet, and then a blanket on top. Nothing actually touches the duvet so it stays clean, and it's far less work!

Anonymous said...

meg just get a nice down comforter. you'll forget the duvet in a heartbeat. i'm a night thrasher myself, and the only way i wake up in remotely the same area as i went to bed in is if i sleep on a down comforter (it's like sleeping on a cloud), and cover myself with a down comforter and another blanket. it's essentially weighing yourself into place.

now that i think about it it's slightly clostrophic.....and i'm about to have an anxiety attack

Jackie Sunshine said...

and $1 Bobbers remind me of those people on the freeway (californians will attest to this) that glide along the "exit only" lane in a happy-go-lucky manner, just to slam on their breaks, find an inch or two of space and weave back into the freeway. Those 10 cars probably won't get you THAT much farther people...

Mrs. B said...

The problem with comforters is that they're a pain in the ass to wash. I always feel like I'm going to break the washing machine once I stuff it in and how clean can it really get when it's stuffed i so tight. ::ah:: So what then? Don't wash it? Gross. I'm not running a Ramada. Target just started carrying striped duvets that are tone-on-tone striped and they're in the $30ish range. And they have the ties on the inside corners. And they're soft. Problem solved.

Anonymous said...

two points.
number 1: i need a meglet post tomorrow or i might just go crazy at work and start beating people. do you want that on your conscience? didn't think so. i need my daily dose of meggles to get me through the day!
number 2: http://perezhilton.com/2010-12-09-larry-hagman-guest-spot-on-desperate-housewives
you're man is gonna be back on tv!

"Mike" said...

Sweet opus.

Anonymous said...

You lied :(

Anonymous said...

SPIT PORN SPIT PORN! DO IT!

Anonymous said...

Wtf is a duvet?

Anonymous said...

Dude.

I think about this blog a year ago...I looked forward to it everyday. All the time. It was the best and I told a babillion friends about it.

I was willing to "support" then.

But this has gotten ridiculous.

Meg, you are hilarious. And a wonderful writer. And the mojo to make it big. That is how much I believe in your ability.

But not your drive. I used to battle the "haters" on here (comments) because I thought they were too harsh.

But really, this has gotten sad.

I wish you the best. And Tulane Chris. But I've got to move on and support others who don't break promises and those that give me something to actually support.

I am uncharacteristically commenting Anonymous because I am sad to be so harsh. But I hope this at least show Meg the loyal fanbase she really is starting to lose...
Buh-bye!!!!!!1

Gabrielle said...

to the anon above :

You sir are batshit crazy.

There is no moral obligation in a blog.
You just take the posts as they come and enjoy them.
End of story!

Gabrielle said...

Flûte!
That made me forget what I wanted to say.
Loved this post though!

cocktailsattiffanys said...

I was on the price is right once. Not like on on it but I sat in the front row right behind contestants row. I won't lie to you, they shit talk each other. Especially those old gunners; they're all, "I'll be a bastards uncle if you bid $1 more than me again!!!!" Drew Carey was the host at the time and he also shit talks those and 1, Bobbers. Of course he does it in a jokingly kind of way, but those of us in the audience who understand dark humor know that on the commercial break when he says, "You don't have enough brains to come up with a price on your own?" he is serious and secretly cueing the stage hands to rig the games if that person gets on stage. Conveniently, the day I went no one won shit. I mean like an Xbox, but big woo. I'm just saying, if Drew Carey has anything to do with it those and $1 Bobbers will get theirs.
-Gizzy

Anonymous said...

I ordered a tshirt in September...still waiting!

Rachel said...

god i love it when you mention me... cant wait for CO MOH weekend!

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JENNIFER said...

I'm so glad someone else has that duvet problem. It's so frustrating but I never thought to just buy a regular comforter.

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