12.01.2010

Sideoat grama.


Last week, I forgot my blog email password and had to have Meg reset it to “something I can write a song about,” but I’ll go to my grave knowing that Sideoats grama is the state grass of Texas. That’s one of the beauties of a state with a part-time legislature: every 20 months, when the lawmakers convene, they’re so excited to be actually there that they run wild making everything official. Like kids in a candy store, except the children are middle-aged local businessmen and the candy is 20 million people’s lives. It does serve a concrete goal, albeit an obscure one: it gives third-grade social studies classes a lot of things to color in pictures of. According to Wikipedia (known in the business as “I need a citation, dammit”) in addition to the standards like flag, song, and motto, Texas also has a state:

-       Large land mammal (longhorn cattle)
-       Small land mammal (armadillo)
-       Flying mammal (Mexican free-tailed bat)
-       Soil (Houston Black [I name my strippers like I name my dirt: {place}{color}])
-       Cooking implement (Dutch oven)
-       Gem (Blue topaz)
-       Gemstone cut (Lone Star Cut [I want a ring with a stone cut like this and I am NOT KIDDING])
-       Two state peppers (jalapeno and chiltepin)
-       Two state shrubs (crepe myrtle and Texas sage)
-       Two state sports (rodeo and football)
-       Tartan (bluebonnet tartan)
-       Pastry (strudel)

It goes on. And before you pooh-pooh it as “something weird they do down there,” shit ain’t regional. (Note New Hampshire’s TEN state songs.) So, to advance our eventual bid for statehood – the state will be called “LOL” and carved out of some Dakota or other – here is our provisional list of official 2Birds1Blog “things”:

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Official birth control method: chanting “No whammies no whammies no whammies” at orgasm

Official cold-water sea mammal (non-mythical): Narwhal

Official conflict-resolution strategy: passive-aggressive text messages

Official emotion: two parts anxiety, one part annoyance

Official office supply named after an autism-spectrum disorder: Aspie’s Clip

Official song: “My password has a first name, it’s K-E-V-I-N; my password has a second name, it’s *-Y-A-N-G-6-9…”

Official means of transportation: taking a cab but claiming to have gone by subway so your friends don’t give you shit for being afraid of the guy who sells socks on the blue line

Official vaginal color: a painful, burning pink

Official irrational fear: that scorpions can read thoughts

Official holidays: Matthew Lillard’s birthday, Larry Hagman’s birthday, No Post Monday (moveable), “Fuck work” day (moveable), Repeal Day, “I remembered that Bea Arthur is dead and cried so I’m not going to school” Day

Official method of suicide: the bukkake cup

Official sport: the five-meter beer carry

Endorsed Ticket in the 2012 U.S. Presidential Election: Lillard/Ulrich of the Thumb Ring Party, running under the slogan “Piss the Russians Off by Making Them Meet with the Stars of ‘Scream’”

Official new method of selecting national officials: whoever does best on a 50-question multiple-choice general knowledge quiz with a BAC of .12. Speed will decide in the event of a tie.

Official new method of selecting state officials: the best two thumb-wrestlers spar with giant foam batons

Official new method of selecting local officials: Hell, whoever walks in the door

Official motto, war cry, all-purpose retort, position on the division of Cyprus and last words: “Sorr about the bag.”

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

I read this in my google reader and for some reason the majority of your spaces weren't there. So I came to ask what in god's name happened to your spacebar. But the spaces here are fine. Sooo I'm glad.

Anonymous said...

what is this post...about?

maria said...

I love that this post is composed primarily of inside jokes, and that I get them. I feel like such a cool kid. or maybe just kind of sad for reading this blog so obsessively.

Meredith said...

I have frequently suggested that Northern Virginia secede from the rest of Virginia and call itself "Awesome." But I haven't yet created a list of our official symbols. Guess what I'm doing today!

Anonymous said...

That's funny, I've always wanted Northern Virginia to secede from the rest of Virginia and call itslef "Worst".

Anonymous said...

I work for the Texas Legislature and 2 years ago there was a lot of debate (and paperwork) over the state dino...

Anonymous said...

i second anonymous at 8:19...i dont get it....

Laura P said...

I would totally get my engagement ring in the Lone Star cut...if I was from Texas. Alas.

Andrew said...

Let me tell you about that particular form of birth control. It is 99% effective, but must be done regularly. It's a little nerve wracking. I've never been so paranoid about mispronouncing the word "whammy" in my life.

Sara said...

Tulane Chris, I'm a fellow Texan (who spent all of third grade social studies class coloring in pictures of bluebonnets and Sam Houston) but am now seriously considering uprooting and moving to LOL - and I'm not sorr about it. Hysterical, well done. Hope Meglet is feeling better after her latte incident.

Anonymous said...

Endorsed Ticket in the 2012 U.S. Presidential Election: Lillard/Ulrich of the Thumb Ring Party, running under the slogan “Piss the Russians Off by Making Them Meet with the Stars of ‘Scream’”

I love you guys so much.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Love it all.

Anonymous said...

To the people that don't get this post...I guess you won't pass the entrance exam to move to LOL. Sorr.

Anonymous said...

"I name my strippers like I name my dirt"

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Anonymous said...

If you don't get the jokes, go read the archives.

Awesome post.

Anonymous said...

Woo Meredith! Seconded!

It's ok, Anonymous 9:44. Those of us from Northern Virginia won't hold it against you from being from the "rest" of Virginia. After all, you're the one who has to live with it.

Hot Mess said...

OMG YES AND PLEASE! This was awesome. For anyone who doesn't get some of the posts - read the links that Chris references to - it's an awesome use of your time - not wasteful at all - and you will be a better person for it. Especially Kevin Yang, Aspie's Clip and Sorr about the Bag.

Anonymous said...

This made me so happy in ways I can't explain.

Anonymous said...

Official birth control method: chanting “No whammies no whammies no whammies” at orgasm

LOVE THIS!

Anonymous said...

LOVE. THIS. And since I get the post and am already looking for apts in LOL, I'd like to put something up for revision:

OFFICAL SPORT: Shoot that fruit!

Please?

Anonymous said...

^YES

Elizabeth said...

I swear to God, my mom actually owns land in Slope County, ND (one of the counties in the left hand corner). It's where my family homesteaded at the turn of the century. Let's just say it's not exactly a vacation destination. However, the good news is I'm pretty sure I could convince my mom to donate the property to LOL. You know, as long as you made her a founding father (mother?) or something.

Anonymous said...

I agree: to those who don't get it, there is plenty of fun stuff waiting for you in the archives!

Just one question, I'm not from the States and I'm terribly scared of missing one of the jokes, so could someone fill me in on what Dakota is known for? Lots of LOLs or something?

abc teen teevee said...

Thirding anonymous 7.30 on Shoot That Fruit as the official sport!

Also not from the states, but as I understand it, South Dakota has Mount Rushmore, and North Dakota has no tourists, and tumbleweed.

TC, can your randomly chosen officials approve an English girl's immigration application to live in LOL? I can bribe them in vaginal dye and a felt-tip pen drawing of a capuchin monkey.

Lex said...

Shoot the Fruit is obviously a great official sport, but I believe you left off another very important consideration for the brand new state of LOL: Official Weapon.

Say it with me now: Tampon Cannon.

It works in so many ways. "The government may take my money, but they can never take my Tampon Cannon."

"Tampon Cannons don't kill people, people kill people."

"You can have my Tampon Cannon when you can pry it from my cold, dead fingers."

And poor Tulane Chris's dad can never come to visit.

(I was maybe cracking myself up too hard while working out last night, envisioning the Tampon Cannon slogans.)

Anonymous said...

Screw horse shoe and hopscotch and video games.
Official pass time: (to get kids ready for their future weapon)
TAMPON FLINGING

Generally thrown at people you dislike or want to see agitated, as you would throw water balloons...

Anonymous said...

Пасибо за материалы! :)
Respect www.2birds1blog.com

Anonymous said...

شكرا لهذا المنصب رائع. الاعجاب الوقت والجهد وانتم تضعون في بلوق الخاص بك ومعلومات مفصلة التي تقدمها.

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