5.26.2011

A Few Quick Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entries Because They Don't Have Conclusions And Just Kind of Abruptly End, Or "Why I'm Not A Terribly Good Writer"

- I'm sorry, but is the world aware of how busy the gym is at 6 o'clock in the morning? Let me back up a bit. So I've been a fair-weather member of the Fitness First gym on L and 19th for the past couple of years and I'm a huge fan. I like it because it's not trendy or complicated. It's a generic gymyou go in, you get your shit done, and you get out. It's like the Shasta cola of workout establishments. I've been calculating for the past few years what I call my gym's "Aspie Hours", or times throughout the day when the least number of people are likely to be there. These hours are roughly the following: 8:30-9:30am, after the nine-to-fivers go to work, before the housewives come in; 1:00-3:30ish, after the lunch rush, before the evening rush, during group classes; and 8:45-10:00pm, after the evening rush, before closing. I particularly like going during the 8:30-9:30am time slot because it's primarily filled with the elderly and I feel like Super Man on my Arc Trainer by comparison. And yet I went in this morning at 6am. I went in as a joke. As a SICK, understated jokeas performance art, reallyand it was packed. Packed with fit, perky, fast-moving people who made eye contact. It was disgusting. So. I learned a lesson. Good. Good for me.

Hi. If I'm going to spend $52 to make my apartment smell like cannabis for 60 hours, I expect to wake up at the end of those 60 hours thigh-deep in chicken bones and half-eaten Hot Pockets with a 50-page opus on my desktop about how time is cyclical titled "SERIOUSLY_DO NOT FUCKING FORGET THIS.doc", not holding an empty 9oz glass jar with the clearest head I've had since I was 14.

- Teresa got a part-time job reporting traffic for the local NBC news station and recently said the following on air: "Reports are coming in of an overturned blueberry truck on I-95 just outside of Baltimore. So if you're headed up that way tonight, it looks like you're headed for a real jam." I bring this up only because I need you to know how incredibly sexually attracted I am to that joke. Not only is it a traffic joke, it's a preservatives joke. I'm wetter than a Slip 'n Slide at a Fourth of July party.

- I came back from the gym this past Monday morning and was about to collapse on my bed and make love to a bagel and an episode of "Fraiser"as is par for the coursewhen I overheard my neighbor get into a huge fight with her boyfriend. Or I guess he got into a fight with her because he was doing all of the yelling. And I do mean yelling. I've overheard plenty of neighbors yell at their significant others in my time, but this was some next level shit. This was a sensible blouse and an overcooked meatloaf away from being a Lifetime movie. I couldn't figure out what they were fighting about though because it was one of those situations where all you can hear is a lot of forceful mumbling with the occasional clear word or phrase when someone really wants to drive a point home. Like, "mumblemumblemumble I WAS THE ONE mumblemumblemumble WHILE YOUR ASS mumblemumblemumble FOR FIVE HOURS mumblemumblemumble BECAUSE YOU NEED THE DRAMA." Trying to fill in those blanks is like playing The Burning Bed edition of Mad Libs. It's haunting. Anyway, I didn't know what to do about the situation, or even if I should do anything at all. I just kind of sat there awkwardly shifting my eyes around the room all "ha ha...Roz", hoping things wouldn't escalate to the point where I had to put pants on. I felt badly for her. But mostly I couldn't stop thinking about that "Family Guy" cutaway "Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911":
So then I obviously watched that clip like sixteen times in a row and just cackled and cackled like an asshole with my bagel dangling out of my mouth while God only knows what was going on next door. I justified this in my head by thinking, "Well, I'm not laughing at her; I'm laughing at what her horrible situation reminds me of." But that still felt...off. 

I find my whole reaction to this situation deeply disturbing because I'd like to think I'm a feminist, yet here my neighbor's boyfriend is yelling at her in a sort of scary way and I just could not give two shits. I mean, I sort of did. I guess I gave AN shit. The concept was horrifying, but you know, we're all adults here. Let's tend to our own flocks. And then the fact that that went through my head horrified me even more because again, feminist. So then I tried justifying that by reminding myself that I hate her. Because I do. I've asked her repeatedly to stop slamming the door behind her when she goes in and out of her apartment because besides it being rude and startling, it rattles our shared wall where I have two plates hanging and if they fall and break I'm going to blast the most offensive German shiza porno that euros can buy every single night between the hours of 3-6am until death do us part. And yet she continues to do it! Day in and day out! So her boyfriend's yelling at her? Good. I have a strongly worded letter I wrote to our condo board that he can read aloud to her as well. So basically, this means that in my own mind, the following is my stance on verbal abuse: VERBAL ABUSE IS STILL ABUSE! ABUSERS ARE COWARDS! REAL MEN DON'T HURT WOMEN! THAT IS UNLESS THAT WOMAN WON'T STOP LETTING THE DOOR SLAM BEHIND HER BECAUSE COME ON LADY!

So in conclusion: I am a horrible human being, I bring down my gender and this great nation, and Libya is a land of contrast. THE END.

75 comments:

Anonymous said...

This was definitely one of those posts that could have gone on forever and I would have jizzed everywhere. Good stuff Meg_!

Casey said...

I once heard my neighbors having hate sex. There was yelling and slapping involved. I buried my head under my pillow and prayed for it to be over. 20 minutes later, I gave up, and went into the living room to watch old reruns on Nick at Nite because I'm too much of a pansy to tell them to quiet the F down with their torture porn screwing. I hated that night.

Anonymous said...

I think your "Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Into Full Entries" posts might be my favorite type of post that you do =)

Michael said...

I would have also accepted, "youre headin' for a sticky situation" but jam, that was damn good.

Michael said...

On second thought that would require for the jam to have been made already, I rescind. Well played, Teresa.

P said...

Great Blog - can;t wait to read the next one.

http://thereisnosuchthingasa10.blogspot.com/

BDiddyNoVA said...

Wow, Teresa, that's the greatest traffic report I've ever heard.

dcjaime said...

You play at the gym I played at briefly before acknowledging it was a waste of my money, LOL.

That jam thing WAS awesome.

Anonymous said...

Bahaha Libya is a land of contrast. "The Indians call it maize."
Amazing.

andrea said...

did you see this? the title "Meghan McCain Takes it Off" caught my attention....

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2011/05/12/meghan-mccain-takes-it-off/?iref=allsearch

Anonymous said...

IS Larry Hagman still alive???

Anonymous said...

There is a show on National Geographic Channel right now called "Hooked: EXTREME NOODLING." I didn't believe it was real...but apparently people travel to Europe "in search of the river-dwelling wels catfish."

Thanks Tulane Chris for opening my eyes to this "world phenomenon".

Also Meghan with an H said...

I always get super excited when I see a post titled "Thoughts I couldn't flesh out into full entries." They're always *SO* good! :)

alyssa said...

have you heard of Thought Catalog? you probably have, but you're writing would fit in perfectly there.

ps loved this!

kerry a. said...

...you are way too good for thought catalog.

Molly said...

You say "thigh-deep in chicken bones and half-eaten Hot Pockets" - I say "wiping the drooly, multicolored remains of a PARTY size bag of peanut M&Ms (that's 42oz. of salty-sweet regret) from the corner of my lip."

Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Anonymous said...

Writing another book?

mrb said...

Kerry A., I second that comment. way too good for Thought Catalog.

Tori said...

I don't mean this as a bust, I'm just legitimately curious: What do you do with your days now that you're not writing a book?

Lex said...

My favorite line from Batman, EVER:

"Holy strawberry, Batman, are we ever in a jam!"
-Robin

I quote it at EVERY opportunity.

Anonymous said...

The afterglow of your last post is wearing off....new one please? K, thanks.

Lannister said...

you guys suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Anonymous said...

I guess Hagmans dead. Too bad, He probably would have loved the Dallas remake.

Jennifer said...

I second the comment that asked what you do with your time without a job or a book to write...

Michelle said...

I would assume they'd need to edit the book now that it's been written.

Anonymous said...

I know you're in love with Dr. Dre. Have you seen this flowchart about 'motherfucks who forgot about Dre' http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2011/06/forgot_about_dre_poster.html

Anonymous said...

Megs I know you are busy but we're dying here. I actually found myself wishing you had another boring office job again. Don't make me wish that on you.

Sabri said...

This blog has gone from the highlight of my day to perpetual disappointment. Post with some degree of regularity- PLEASE.

Kristen said...

I feel like this is the only place where I know for certain that the following art will be okay..


http://www.thephotographymarielclayton.com/#!

check it outtt

Anonymous said...

I work full time and have a toddler and STILL find time to post to my family blog at least 1x a week. What is your excuse?

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, anonymous 9:31 maybe you'd like to check out this blog instead: http://stfuparents.tumblr.com/

Anonymous said...

Yeah you guys suck.

Anonymous said...

Anon 9:31 - stfuparents totes applies to you. Being a parent with a job and a blog? Kudos to you. Here's your cookie. Run along now.

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:42 & 4:04: Well, at least it's being updated on a daily basis. More than what can be said for this blog. Thanks so much for referring me!

Anonymous said...

True, finally a funny blog with updates.

Thakns other Anons.

Anon 4:41PM out.

Anonymous said...

Many thanks to Anon 12:42 PM for introducing me to stfuparents, I've been chuckling at it for almost an hour now.

Anonymous said...

2birds1blog uses blog to get book deal. Asks readers to help support said blog. Gets Book deal. Screws readers. Stay Classy!

Alyssa said...

LOL you're hilarious! For whatever reason, I just could not stop reading your post! Very funny perspective :)

Hey, my neighbors are kinda like that. And I'm horrible too and figure if she's going to date a jerk, she might as well find out what dating a jerk is like. Hey, somewhere a lesson wasn't leaned. I just hope nobody gets hurt beyond repair. That's just my humanless analytical perpective though.

LK said...

Sad face.

Anonymous said...

I masochistically keep checking for an update even though I know one isn't coming.

Anonymous said...

^ ditto :(

Anonymous said...

A moment of silence for Larry Hagman and his presumed passing, please...

Anonymous said...

at this point I'm just reading this blog for the comments because there aren't ever any new posts

Anonymous said...

I love this blog, and always will, but in the mean time between post, does anyone know some good humour blogs I can start reading? I need something to pass the time while I'm pretending to do my job at work.

Anonymous said...

These are the ones that get me through the day....

http://thebloggess.com
http://steammeupkid.blogspot.com
http://ohnoa.com/
http://nakedcupcakes.blogspot.com
www.dooce.com
www.damnyouautocorrect.com
www.whenparentstext.com
www.failbook.com

Anonymous said...

I hope your books fail like this blog has.

Anonymous said...

Deleting this shit blog. Used to be my favorite. Why would you invest so much time making this blog funny and building up a loyal readership only to trash it by disappearing for weeks on end?

Anonymous said...

I'm sad that you stopped posting with no explanation/date when you are coming back.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the blog suggestions. I hate the bashing on Meg thing but damn I am really disappointed. Weird that she hasn't at least popped in to say Hi I'm alive.

Anyone else have fun blogs to share? I'm holding out a teeenny bit of hope that she'll come back and start posting daily and everything will be puppies and rainbows again. But I'm a huge optimist.

Anonymous said...

is anyone going to buy the book? I'm definitely not. I wonder if their publisher is aware that the lack of blog updates is costing them book sales?

Anonymous said...

Yeah - not buying the book. I have been gone for 3 months from this site and read everything in like 30 minutes that has been posted since then. Really pathetic.

If you don't have a job, but got a book deal from a blog, your JOB is your blog.

sigh. oh well.

Anonymous said...

Try http://garfieldminusgarfield.net -- it's updated consistently and cracks me up!

Anonymous said...

Thank God, I left for the weekend and was worried that they might break their streak and actually post something. Glad to see the streak is still alive. How's the book sales?

Rita said...

what's funny is that all you guys who are whining about lack of posts are totally going to buy the book. and read all 2b1b's subsequent posts. and follow this blog forever. because you all love it.

Anonymous said...

Uh. At the end of the last post were the words " the end". Do you think that was Meg's way of saying good bye?? Like forever.

Anonymous said...

Come home Meg!!!!!!!!

Rachel said...

Oh Meg, we'll always be here when you come back. People looking for something else to read in the meantime? http://the-frenemy.com/.

anna wachs said...

the fact that meg and chris are writing a book has nothing to do with the lack of posts. i mean, when chris was in grad school AND writing the book(s), it made sense that he didn't post. but meg....there's no way that she doesn't have the time to post. I'm gonna be generous here and say that it takes her 4 hours to make one of her super funny posts. do you really believe she doesn't have that time in her week? of course she does, she just chooses to do other shit, which is fine BUT you can't put 40% effort into a blog and expect to have an adoring fanbase. plain and simple.

anna wachs said...

p.s. unless the book is super amazingly different/funnier than the blog, i will not be buying it. i'll probably browse through it at b and n thought

Wagthedad said...

Cannabis Candle? My brother-in-law used to grow it in his apartment, and he was at wits' end trying to get the stench out of the hallway. Seriously. How about crackhouse smell? Burnt meth lab? WTF?

Verbal abuse is indeed still abuse. I feel sorry for my son when his sister yells at him, he punches her and then we yell at him. I'm all "dude, I know, I know. can't hit, can't compete. Wait until you're old enough for beer. Beer will solve your problems."

Anonymous said...

Thanks to whoever posted http://stfuparents.tumblr.com/ - that blog rocks. Daily updates! Wow!

Just came back to say thanks :)

Anyways, I see there is a new post, but, nah...

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