5.20.2011

Four Things:

1.) I've missed it, you've missed it, Lord knows he's missed itit's T.G.I. Hagman!
Photobucket
As of 6:42am on May 20, 2011, Larry Hagman is...alive! Unless he dies tomorrow in the Rapture, that is. But at least we can all go to sleep tonight comforted by the fact that he'd go to Hagman Heaven, where the bourbon never runs dry and the women are as loose as the meat sandwiches they happily serve. (That went to a questionably Roseanne-esque place, but I'm tired and can't think of anything else that's loose. Barrel curls? Like loose barrel curls you get for a wedding or formal event updo? I'll stop.)

2.) SoFYI: I'm going by my real name now. No more of this
Trixie nonsense for me. When Caitlin Ex Co-Blogger Eddie and I started this blog back in '07, we wrote under the pseudonyms Patsy and Eddie because Caitlin Eddie knew that she was going to be (and is!) a social worker and didn't want her clients reading all about her wild 'n crazy lesbian adventures. I, on the other hand, didn't care. Mostly because I don't have any wild lesbian adventures to speak of and I primarily write about things that irritate me and my bowel movements. Which more often than not are one in the same. When Caitlin Eddie left the blog in '08 and I took it over as my project, I decided to use my real first name, but a fake last name so I couldn't be connected to my writing if someone looked up my name on the old google. But now that I pretty much want the exact opposite of that to happen, it doesn't really make sense to go by McBlogger anymore. Plus, "McBlogger" was just a genuinely stupid pen name. My last name doesn't even have "Mc" in it. I don't know. I made a lot of poor decisions in 2008 and writing under "McBlogger" was probably the least of them. Anyway! Good day to you, my name is Meghan C Rowland. I live in Washington, DC. I enjoy catnaps, Risk, painkillers, gold lamé, historical tours, and geography. I don't care for Facebook and only log into my account when I need to interview CJ Fam, but I am on the Twitter. I'm not the Meghan Rowland associated with @meghanrowland or facebook.com/mcrowland, though given her penchant for pantslessness in user pics, I can see the confusion. If you google "Meghan Rowland", I'm the first and ninth hit. The first is my incredibly outdated design profile and the ninth is yesterday's post. If you google "Meg Rowland", I'm not on the first page at all, but I am the first image. Which is unfortunate because it's the thumbnail version of my now defunct MySpace account's profile picture. It's from 2006. I have some unfortunate two-tone hair action going on because, again, it was 2006. For the sake of seriously just getting it all out there, this is what I look like as of two weeks ago:


I'm not hot, but I also don't have to wear a bag over my head when I run to CVS to get light bulbs. Pretty standard. Although according to my mom, re: that photo, I'm "so much prettier than that" and according to Chris, I look "laughably Jewish". So try to keep in mind I normally look better when those wacky Jew horns aren't pokin' out all over the place. It's so hard to tame them in the DC humidity... All in all, this feels incredibly anti-climactic and I apologize. Chris' "real life" online presence is considerably more interesting than mine. Mostly because it involves the 1997-1998 Texas State Mathematics League and a seriously impressive seventh grade season.

3.) I totally forgot to mention one of the most integral examples of why I feel old in yesterday's blog post! DAMN YOU MEG ROWLAND, BLOGGER AND AUTHOR, GO AHEAD AND GOOGLE THAT SHIT. DAMN YOU GOOD. I'll make it quick. 

To back up a bit, my family has been going to the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival every year (ish) for the last 13 years. I can say 100% unironically that the Sheep and Wool Festival is the shit. Why? Uh, where do I start? Sheep; llamas; alpaca bunnies; emus; sheep herding contests; more lanolin-based products than you can shake a stick at; fresh Howard County, Maryland air; gyros; scarves! scarves! scarves!; funnel cake. I mean, it's pretty much the best day of the year and if you're judging me you can go straight to a lambless hell. 

Now flash forward to about a month ago when I was going through a period of being oddly fascinated by Southern culture and was watching a shit-ton of Southern beauty pageant reality-based television programming on Netflix. I became obsessed with the idea of either being in a beauty pageant or coaching someone in a beauty pageant. (And Becca better thank Christ she doesn't have a kid yet, because I wouldn't just push them into a pageant; I'd water cannon them into it. You're a boy so you can't compete? Tough tittiesthat's why God invented the 2011 All-American Prince Grand Supreme Overall title. Gets-a-tappin', Junior. ) I toyed with the idea of entering a Southern beauty pageant for 2b1b Investigates purposes, but after doing some research, I found a few snags in my plan: 1.) I don't actually live in the South, 2.) I'm not actually that attractive, 3.) I don't like to smile, 4.) Or talk to people, 5.) Or do community service, 6.) Or really give a shit about anything that's not an old "Thundercats" rerun and a few glasses of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay. A full-blown Southern beauty pageant was out. I had to aim lower. Much, much lower. And that's when I remembered that every year the S&W Festival crowns a MISS MARYLAND SHEEP AND WOOL. Yahtzee!

I immediately went to the Sheep and Wool Festival website and was elated to see that I hadn't missed the registration period. I was going to be Miss Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival. I'm not saying that I walked around my apartment practicing sucking in/smiling, but I'm also not not saying that I walked around my apartment practicing sucking in/smiling and maybe looked at some dresses online and thought of a bullshit way that I'm actively involved in the wool industry. (I know AN single crochet stitch and once interviwed to be an associate editor at Vogue Knitting. They thanked me for my time and showed me the door once the AN single stitch part became apparent. And the whole crochet ≠ knitting thing. Again, 2008: mistakes were made.) And then, I saw itthe maximum age to enter the Miss Sheep and Wool Festival Pageant is 18-years-old. 18-fucking-years-old. I'm too old to be Miss Sheep and Wool Festival by eight years! I wish I was kidding when I say this, but this realization had a huge effect on me. I was already feeling kind of old at that point, and I think somewhere in the back of my mind I've secretly always wanted to be Miss Sheep and Wool Festival and then BAM!I find out that I'm too old to enter by eight years. EIGHT! A child born between the last year I could have registered and now would be in third grade! They'd intellectually know the difference between there/their/they're!!!! I was freaking out and I knew there was only one thing to do: email my dad.

To: Dad
From: Meg
Subject: Dad...
I'm too old to compete for Maryland Sheep & Wool Queen and I'm having some serious emotions about it. Can you please talk me off this ledge?

To: Dad

From: Meg
Subject: RE: Dad...
There hasn't been a Ms. Sheep & Wool from Montgomery County since 1981. I was going to bring that title back home...

To: Meg

From: Dad
Subject: RE: RE: Dad...
Sometimes we have to let go of our childhood dreams and open our arms to the opportunities of adulthood. In this case, not being Miss Sheep and Wool. However, the adult opportunities do include being the National Senior Wool Ambassador. I saw her picture and she’s not that old, really. You still get to wear a sash and crown (or at least I think you get to wear a crown, although looking again at the picture the crown may actually have been the newel post from the staircase behind her) and get your picture taken with Miss this and Junior Miss this. And you get to be in the middle, sweet! However, you will have to come to grips with the fact that they will be younger than you (but certainly not prettier). But just think about all the disappointments they have coming that they are totally unaware of. That should make you smile wryly.

Miss Sheep and Wool is a young girls dream. A dream before the reality of dung encrusted wool hanging from the sheep’s butt and the juicy wonderfulness of roasted lamb replace the longing for a wet nose. That’s what pugs are for.

Having said all that, I can’t wait to go; May 7 and 8. We get the deliciously ironic experience of looking at the sheep and thinking how cute and cuddly they are while simultaneously eating sheep. Is that wrong?

Come down off of the ledge. Life IS still worth living. I know. I’ve lived it well.

Love,

D
ad

T
o
Dad

From: Meg
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Dad...
You really know how to cut to the core of things, sir. I feel slightly better. Slightly. I can't figure out how I become the National Senior Wool Ambassador. I just want a sash and crown. And I want to wear both in public. And I want people to be impressed and not weirded out. I feel like that's not too much to ask. And I also want a gyro.

To: Meg

From: Dad
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Dad...
G-y-r-o …. Yum.

In the end, I never found out how to become the National Senior Wool Ambassador, although I did look at pricing for a "I put the ASS in National Senior Wool Ambassador!" t-shirt on Zazzle. I also didn't make it to S
&WF this year because I was in Philly, coked out the githers trying to get the book done. I got really home sick when my sister texted me this picture with the message, "SHEEPIES!!!":
Photobucket

Sheepies. Sheepies, indeed. But I guess there's something to be said for being responsible and actually following through with something and not having to give back my advance or worrying about the logistics of how you reposess a month's worth of Chipotle and a waxing session. Because I'm old. I'm marginally more responsible. I'm less attractive than you thought. And I want a fucking gryo.

4.) On a more positive note, I randomly got a check in the mail yesterday for $5 from the government of the District of Columbia and I have no Christly idea why or what it's for. Not that that stopped me from putting it directly into my back account no less than five minutes after receiving it. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, happy weekend to you too,
District of Columbia!

Welp, thanks for hanging in there with me this week while I got back in the groove of things. Have a great weekend and we'll see you back here Monday morning for our first instillation of
Yo! Mama! Yay Diane! Buy-bye.

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

You totally do look like Tiffani Amber Thiessen!

dcjaime said...

Welcome back to blogging for us, we've missed you! And congrats on outing yourself to the masses, it must be slightly liberating. :) Happy Friday!

Stephanie said...

my boyfriend's hometown in southwestern PA has an annual Memorial Day regatta that doesn't actually have any boats involved, but they do crown several Regatta Princesses. these "princesses" are 14-18 year old country high school students who are propped up on the back of a 2004 Chrysler Sebring convertible and wave as they drive past the 8 houses on Main Street. oh, and these children are in bikinis. now i'm starting to draw parallels as to why Fayette County has the highest rate of incest in Pennsylvania...

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

God I love a good Chrysler Sebring reference.

Lauren said...

question - what's with the "AN" before words that start with a consonant? i've noticed that in a lot of posts!

Anonymous said...

Lauren, it's to emphasize the singality of something, ie: I got AN minute of sleep last night and I wanna die.

Meg, you are actually prettier than I pictured you! You're really pretty!

Anonymous said...

"Gets-a-tappin', Junior" = a starbucks-soaked keyboard and a fit of mirth. Thanks for that; good to have you back!

J said...

Stunning Dahling, absolutely stunning! No, but for real though. Love!

Sara Leigh said...

this will go down as a classic 2b1b post. definitely one for the history books.

jen said...

I look like the latina version of you....no joke

Anonymous said...

Meghan Rowland---sounds like an perfect name for an distinguished author like yourself... However, i still love Meggles McBlogger. Any chance of a legal name change to McBlogger?

Mike K said...

First of all...wow. I knew I had a crush on you just based on the person I read in this blog, but damn, Meg you are hot!

em said...

Gah! Meg! Will you please go out on a date with Mike K already!

Anonymous said...

CourtneyP said...

I always had an idea of what I thought you should look like in my head because I do that with the authors of everything I read (and dear goodness, I was way off the mark when I finally saw what Stephen King looked like. His picture should NOT be blown up that big on his back covers). Maybe it's because you're so crass (and God bless you for it!), but I was taken back by your picture. You're SO pretty! You're pretty AND vulgar which is like the best combination in the world! Kudos!

808marty said...

Does that pendant really say 'Ruckus?'

Anonymous said...

Meg, you're really cute. Don't be so rude to yourself!

Anonymous said...

While Ruckus is a possibility, it probably says Rowland . . .

Francesca said...

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1Zj1qd/www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/40-things-that-will-make-you-feel-old?s=mobile


I thought you might appreciate this meg!

Sara said...

i actually spent a good 15 minutes wondering why you were wearing a necklace that said "richard" until i read these comments...

Anonymous said...

You also kinda look like Sara ramirez a la grey's anatomy in that picture.

Brittan said...

This has nothing to do with this post, but I saw it at Toys R Us and thought of you. If I wasn't poor it would already be in the mail on the way to you. BEHOLD:

http://bit.ly/hkg7gU

Can't wait to read your book!

Anonymous said...

Meg, you're a babe. Just sayin'.

Frickineh said...

I don't give a crap what you look like, I just want to know when you're getting married. Also, to my friend Kacy who introduced me to this blog and apparently finds it both weird and amusing when she sees my comments, hi.

So...about that wedding. Larry Hagman IS still alive...

Anonymous said...

Um, why did you have weekend hair? Your hair is not woefully thin! You are super pretty with pretty skin and shiny hair! Suck it, McBlogger.

Anonymous said...

You have beautifully sculpted eyebrows, ms mcblogger.

Anonymous said...

You have beautifully sculpted eyebrows, ms mcblogger.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Um, why did you have weekend hair? Your hair is not woefully thin!

It totally is, I swear! And truthfully, I think Weekend Hair and I needed each other.

You have beautifully sculpted eyebrows, ms mcblogger.

That means more to me than you'll ever know. My mom is and has always been HYPER CRITICAL about how my/Becca's eyebrows look, and as a result I constantly feel like my eyebrows aren't up to par.

theblurggblog said...

Congratulations on coming out! Shame about the Miss Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival thing though.

Shannon said...

Meg, second that on the beautiful eyebrows! I live in DC too, so I want to know where you get them done?

Michael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael said...

1. You will always be McBlogger to me, if only because it related you in my mind to McGruber in a totally appropriate way.

2. The BEST part of the Sheep and Wool Festival is when they speed-sheer the sheep. I alternates between wincing, hiding my face behind my hands, and giggling with glee at naked sheepsies in seriously like 20 seconds. A-fucking-mazing.

mrb370 said...

"I look like the latina version of you....no joke." with hoops that big and hair that dark, I think Meg looks like the Latina version of Meg. in a good way.

PrimeToasta said...

I wasn't worried about the Rapture until you posted your real and name and photo. All of this disclosure just seems like a sign of the Apocalypse. Good to have you back though. I hope Tulane Chris joins you soon.

tedfranklin said...

If you like southern culture, do yourself a favor and check out "Garden and Gun" its brilliant.

http://gardenandgun.com/

Anonymous said...

You have some really really pretty eyes. Damn, I'm lost in them :)

Anonymous said...

This story really made me laugh because I AM the Maryland Lamb and Wool Princess and trust me it's not as glamourous as it sounds! haha

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