Are You There God? It's Me, Meggles.

I've been 26 for a little over a month now and I still find it upsetting. I know every year when my birthday rolls around, I'm all, "OMG HAHA I FEEL SO OLD, LOLOL!!", but this is the first year that I actually mean it. Because I am waaaaay too immature to be as old as 26 feels. My peers are getting married and it's not because they're white trash or in the militarybecause it's age appropriate. I think about where I am now at 26 versus where my friends are, and I feel like I should be living in my parent's basement playing World of Warcraft all day, still trying to touch my first boob. I'm just so fuckin' behind.

My dad once told me that getting older is weird because in his mind, he's been the 18-year-old version of himself for the past 45 years. I get that, on an obviously much smaller scale. In my mind, I've been the 22-year-old version of myself for the past four years. I look at recently tagged photos of myself on Facebook and can't believe
that's what I look like. In my mind and in the mirror, I'm always 2007 Meg. And aesthetically speaking, 2007 was a good year for me. I was always either in class or working in the design lab, so I only ate like a meager piece of turkey and a hand full of Bugles everyday, plus 20 cups of coffee a Klonopin or two before class to shift me back to neutral. I was so fucking thin. So fucking unhealthy, and so fucking thin. Also, New York hadn't happened and my entire life hadn't fallen apart yet, so my body chemistry still had a few more years before it would be raped and pillaged by antidepressants. Now I look at pictures of myself and think I just look like a tired and puffy version of the old me. It's depressing. Which is ironic. But mostly depressing.

While I caalways get more sleep and wean myself off my meds (which I've started doing! 360mg to 27.5! Sure, the Prince of Darkness occasionally tells me to burn things and cut myself, but guess who can fit into those skinny jeans again, GIRLFRIEND???), I can't change how I feel. And despite having the maturity of a HOOF ARTED? t-shirt, I find myself feeling 
old more and more these days. Here are some recent examples:

- I saw that Lara was on gchat the other night and I knew she had just come back from her big end of year...grad school...art...instillation...thing, so I checked her status to see how it went. Upon reading something to the effect of, "I think I just kicked ass!", my 100% honest to God reaction was to say, out loud, to no one in particular, as I was alone: "YEAH BABY,
VeRy ShhhhhhhhAgAdELiC!!!" in full Austin Powers voice. The absurdity of what I had just done startled me. It was like a bat had flown in the window. I jumped, my eyes went wide in horror, I made a little "meep!" noiseI couldn't believe what had just happened. I was, and frankly still am, so confused where that came from and why my body's natural reaction upon learning good news was to bust out a 14-year-old pop culture reference. The only way it could have been better is if I had said, "YEAH BABY, VeRy ShhhhhhhhAgAdELiC-A-ZIGGA-ZIG-AHHH I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD BUT THEY CLONED A SHEEP AND THE ENGLISH PATIENT JUST WON BEST PICTURE AT THE OSCARS THESE THINGS ARE INCREDIBLY RELEVANT HALE-BOPP!!!!"

- At 2:56 this morning, I had to physically restrain myself from
tweeting the following: "WHAT?? Was anyone else not aware that Vincent Prince hosted "Mystery!" before Diana Rigg?!"

And you know how I knew that? Because I was watching old episodes of "Mystery!" at 2:56 this morning.

- I had dinner with my family this past Tuesday night and it somehow came up that I had just written and abandoned a blog post about how I spent an entire night looking at a map of the United States on googlemaps, being continually blown away by the discrepancies between where I thought everything was and where it actually is. At the end of my little schpiel (which included the observation, "The Mississippi River? It's long. It's like, fucking long, you guys. It goes from Minnesota to the gulf of Mexico. How do you even
begin to wrap your mind around something that?"), my mom looked at me, made a little joint-to-mouth-I'm-smoking-a-doobie hand motion and laughed. And the thing is, I wish. I wish I could chalk spending an entire evening alone in my apartment being mind-boggled by a map of the United States up to drug use, but I can't. Because truthfully, I can't think of anything more in character than to be home alone, on what is quite possibly a Saturday night, laying in bed, drinking back-to-back bottles of soda water from my beloved Soda Stream, watching "Twin Peaks" reruns on Netflix, and musing to myself that Bermuda is quote, "way the fuck out there". That, my friends, is the Meghan Rowland experience. Once upon a time it involved Jägermeister and questionable decisions, now it involves hydration and a geography lesson. Obama's president. Bin Laden's dead. Progress.

- As you may or may not know, my sister owns my apartment and used to live here before she moved in with her now husband. In our building, the sweetest little old Ethiopian woman works the front desk on Saturday mornings, and every time I see her, we have an extremely uncomfortable conversation about my sister. Every. Saturday. Morning. When I moved in after Becca moved out, it was always, "Hello May-gahn. Is your sister engaged yet?" After she got engaged it became, "Hello May-gahn. Is your sister married yet?" And now that she's married, it's, "Hello May-gahn. Is your sister pregnant yet?"
Ooof. Rebeccca is not pregnant. Nor does she want to be for at least a few more years, which means that I have at least a few more years of enduring this conversation.

"Nope, ha ha, Becca's not pregnant yet."

"Why not?"

"Ha ha, I'm not sure? Definitely one day though." [JAB, JAB, JABs the up button for the elevator]

"What does her husband say?"

"He mostly just talks about football and artisan beers." [JAB, JAB, JAB]

This past Saturday, however, things got personal.

"Hello May-gahn. Is your sister pregnant yet?"

"Nope, not yet."

"Well, I guess they did just get married. Are you getting married anytime soon?"

"Ha ha, no, I'm five years younger than Becca, so I've got some time. I'm not even dating someone right now. I'll probably get married when she gets pregnant, off in the distant future, ha ha."

And that's when the sweet smile on her face disappeared completely and she
hand to Godcrossed her arms and slowly shook her head at me in disapproval. Right. Because damn those harpy Rowland sisters! Sitting up there in 401, flinging their fertile eggs off of tiny little spoons and onto the streets, defiant in the face of certain spinsterdom, despite one blatantly being married and the other being...choosy. When will they learn? WHEN WILL THEY LEARN?!

- Speaking of my apartment, I love it, but I despise my couch. It was a hand-me-down from my sister, it's six-years-old, I left a straightening iron on one of the arms once in 2008 and melted the shit out of it, it's pilling, slip covers never fit on it properly, blah blah blah
it's a piece of shit and I want a new one. That being said, are you aware of how expensive couches are?! It's absurd! Even if I go down to Sticks 'n Stuff and get a shitty sofa that some Persian guy just came all over, it'll still cost me like 300-bucks. I can't get over it. So now, I'm obsessed with couches. Things like, "Well, that's a handsome couch!" fly out of my mouth when I go to friends of friends' house parties. I want to talk "couch shop" wherever I go. "Where'd you get your couch?" "How much did it cost?" "Is she a convertible or a British two-seater?" "Mind if I take 'er for a test sit?"

A few weeks ago, I found myself watching an episode of "The Price is Right" at the gym on mute. When it came time for the showcase showdown, per usual, one option was the "flashy" showcase with a motorboat and a jet ski and a week in Tampa or some shit, while the other was a modest living room set. In this particular episode, the first showcase presented was the living room. As the contestant stood there trying to decide if she was going to bid or pass, I put myself in her shoes and thought, "Are you fucking kidding me?? It's not even an option
take the living room! The couch is huge, you get free carpeting, and you can always just sell the hutch on ebay or something. God, I would kill for that couch. What idiot would actually pick the speedboat? It's so impractical. I can't even imagine how much money it would cost to store or dock at a marina, not to mention tax and insurance." And I can honestly say that that moment is the oldest I have ever felt in my entire life. Because when I was a little Meglet staying home from school, eatin' Kix and watching "The Price is Right", I lived for seeing those doors fly open and hearing Rod Roddy shout, "and a NEW CAAAAAAAAAR!!!" Nothing was as exciting as that. Nothing. I always wondered who those suckers were that wanted a living room set over twin Harley Davidson motorcycles and a trip to Baltimore. And now, at 26-years-old, I am that sucker.

...I'm going back to staring at a map of the U.S. now, because Michigan's mind-boggling little top hat that in no w
touches Michigan is easier to digest than my life at this point. Good day to you and go Wolverines.


Anonymous said...

this made my morning. I'm so happy you're back!

also, that top hat of Michigan? given to them because they lost a war with Ohio.

and that, my friend, is a fact from spending my Saturday night watching the history channel's "How the states got their shapes".

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HA HA! I was at my parent's house the other night and forced my dad to watch that show with me. It's fascinating.

The Genius Savant said...

Think 26 is bad. Wait until you hit 31. Yikes.

Also, "choosy" -- I like that and will use it for myself.

Also, Buggles? Lol. Nice Meg.

Mike K said...

I spent 5 years of my life living in the top hat of Michigan, specifically the peninsula sticking out into Lake Superior on the northwest side. In that war with Ohio, we had to give up Toledo in exchange for gaining the Upper Peninsula, and I think we all know who won that one (I mean have you been to Toledo? It's a fucking dump!)

Anyways, I understand how you feel, Meg. I'm about to be 29, and 26 was probably up there as being one of the worst years of my life, but it gets better. Chin up, you're just going through the inevitable quarter-life crisis.

And if it will get the Ethiopian lady off your back I will totally pose as your fiancée on Saturdays!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

It's just so fucking mind-boggling. Is there a rift between Michigan..ians? Like how we think the east coast of Maryland is delightfully white trash?

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

And by east coast, I mean eastern shore.

Mike K said...

There's a friendly rivalry between the UP and lower Michigan. Yoopers (U.P. ers) call people in the lower peninsula trolls, because they live under the Mackinaw Bridge. Otherwise there isn't a huge discrepancy, since most of Michigan is kind of white trashy anyways.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

It all makes me very uncomfortable.

Laura said...

Um, Meggles, I would totally watch Mystery with you at 3 am. Whose got two thumbs, a boxed set of Poirot DVD's and several Edward Gorey anthologies? This girl.

Anonymous said...

I'll be on the wrong side of 25 this year as well. Seems like you weekend door lady could fit right in with my strict irish catholic family-- seeing as I have somehow failed them by not being married an turning my uterus into a baby factory yet. One of my aunts already thinks I'm a lesbian bc I haven't brought a boyfriend home in over 2 years. Whatever.

I told my parents to set me up with an iv that pumps bourbon directly into me and/or let me take a Valium before Thanksgiving this year so that I can complacently sit there while my grandmother says things like "I hope you get married before I die" and then pass into my mashed potatoes.

I'm rambling, but yes I feel really immature for my age so preach on sistah

Ryan said...

The saddest Price is Right moment I ever saw was as follows:

Showcase Showdown, young USC girl v. adorable grandma. Grandma gets first pick.

Showcase 1 is nothing but TRIPS TRIPS TRIPS. I think it was one to Jamaica, one to Turkey, and one to China, or something like that. Grandma is no fool, so she takes that one with GUSTO.

USC girl is depressed but hopeful. Until they unveil Showcase 2, which consists of:

1. A collection of high-end fake plants.
2. A snowmobile
3. A fancy brass baby crib.

You have never seen someone bid on a Showcase with less enthusiasm.

Anonymous said...

1. i'm happy you're back!
2. thought you'd appreciate this gchat convo i had with my friend after reading this:

new 2birds today
and this is actually a line from it:
That being said, are you aware of how expensive couches are?! It's absurd! Even if I go down to Sticks 'n Stuff and get a shitty sofa that some Persian guy just came all over, it'll still cost me like 300-bucks.

jessie: well duh its 300 bucks if it came from a Persian
it was probably blessed with a golden pinky ring

me: and chest hair

Stephanie said...

you know you totally just dropped your real last name, right?

Anonymous said...

Wait until you learn about map projections. It will blow your mind.

CourtneyP said...

This is the most relatable post I have ever read! I will be turning 26 in October, but I already feel like I belong in a nursing home. A few weekends ago I saw some punk teenager in a gas station parking lot break dancing (gotta love Indiana) with his pants worn so incredibly low that I could see the entirety of both his ass cheeks. I gasped out loud and said to my husband, "That boy needs a belt for those trousers!" And now my husband won't let me live it down because not only did I criticize a young hooligan's clothing, I freaking' said TROUSERS. TROUSERS!

Anonymous said...

I know this may be (partly) shitty to say, but... I remember feeling crappy when my friends started getting married at 23-26ish, too. Pretty bummed. Then, uh, they all started getting divorced. So keep your chin up. It's better to be older.

Anonymous said...

Hey Meg, funny you should ask; that there island is Beaver Island. No.Joke. And please believe me when I tell you my grandfather is FROM there. Population 300, he was one of four graduating seniors in his senior class. Three of them were girls. Beaver Island, indeed.
Love the blog!!

Anonymous said...

Reading this post makes me want to be your friend more, not less.

Lolo said...

i'm starting to get concerned that I no longer get carded, even at bars and restaurants in college-y areas. For a while i blamed it on the fact that my boyfriend had a beard so i probably looked older for being with him...but he got rid of it and I'm still not getting carded. crap.

Getting Old said...

Speaking of getting carded...
I am turning 26 this fall...and last night at dinner (out of habit) I pulled out my ID from my purse...and the waitress stared at me for a second, recovered, and then glanced at it to not hurt my feelings. How do I know this? Because I work in a bar and I know that face was 'Why is she pulling that out? She obviously is way over 21. SHIT I don't want to hurt her feelings and her take it out on my tip...'
I've given that face to poor, old souls. FML

Katherine said...

wow so much to comment on!
A. 14 days until my 26th and i'm slightly terrified. i'm one of my only friends who is bf-less, child-less, house-less (not homeless! i just rent!), and like... still acting like i'm 23.
B. maps are amazing. i look at maps all the time at work. to see how far away things are.
C. @Stephanie- totally saw the name drop also.
D. like many have said before... go for Mike K!
E. i asked for new dishes for my birthday. how practical.

Also Meghan with an H said...

Absolutely hilarious! I *LOVED* kix as a child! Can you still buy them?! I love you for bringing them up, Meg!

Although I am still a few years younger than you, I'm starting to feel old too. I wouldn't care about that so much if people around me weren't getting engaged/pregnant/married (AND NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER... HAR). I hope the commenter who mentioned divorce is right. Some of my friends married before they even finished college. Am I being ridiculous when I think that 21 is still really young to marry and have a child?! Someone please weigh in and defend my sanity.

Alison said...

Um OMG are you living in my brain!? I turn 26 on Monday AND spent last Saturday shopping for new couches and weeping at how I am too poor and will have to continue to use the one I bought for $20 on Craigslist (yes, it is as disgusting as it sounds)

Glad I'm not the only one dreading and hating the big 2-6.

Anonymous said...

Great post. I'm a 27 year old Michigander. Couchers are expensive so are good mattresses. Go Blue!


Anonymous said...

Is it sad that I'm a little disappointed that your name doesn't actually start with "Mc"?

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Yeah, sorry about that. I didn't put a ton of though into my pen name when I made it. 2008 was a year for bad, bad decisions.

Anonymous said...

Basically the only people who my boyfriend and I hang out with are two married couples. It's horrendously depressing, and I shamelessly drop WHEN IS GOING TO BE MY TURN bombs, mostly after a hot toddy or two. I am about to be 26 and you are definitely not alone. I knit, I watch House Hunters International religiously, and I go to bed early.

Also guys - she's writing a book! Of course she's name-dropping on herself!

Anonymous said...

As you get older, your FB friends profile pictures change from "Saturday night party" to a collection of wedding pictures, ultrasounds and toddlers. Out-of-control.

Becca (not your sister) said...

As a transplant to the Eastern Shore, I can confirm that it is white trash. Oh my goodness. But then so is Southern Maryland and a lot of the Cumberland area (they've got that West Virginia-ness rubbing off on them up there).

Anonymous said...

Maureen, my grandmother is from Beaver Island too!

Also, I'll be turning 26 in June and I am NOT looking forward to it. At all.

Anonymous said...

Turning 2-6 in less than a month! I'm horrified. I'm married, have a kid, and I just closed on a house. Oof, I'm old. My most exciting recent purchase? A refrigerator. *sigh*


Anonymous said...

Uhm I'm only 20 but ALWAYS imagine myself as my 17 year old self.

I can quite honestly say - 2008 was the best year of my life.

I was 17, I had an awesome year, my life is downhill from here. Good to know

Last Saturday night I spent it WATCHING SUPERNATURAL RERUNS AND NEW DOCTOR WHO. AT LEAST YOU'RE LEARNING SOMETHING WHILST BEING A LOSER. All I'm learning is that I'm kind of tempted to see what it's like to salt all the entrances to my room.

Caitlin said...

Meg, on the couches thing, check out Craigslist. I found my couch within two days for free and tons for under $50 that were pretty nice.


I found a fucking cheap cat tower on Craigslist the other day. The most random item I could have been searching for and I found it in like twenty minutes. Drove myself out to northern Virginia and got me a cat tower. Now I have a happy feline.

Craigslist makes miracles happen.

Anonymous said...

i definitely asked for all-clad cookware for my birthday...and then my mother asked "don't you want something exciting or fun? or sparkly?" and i was confused as to why all-clad wasn't exciting or fun enough...

Lara Christina said...

GAHHH I'm so glad you're back this blog makes my day sweeter. It's very serendipitous how the day I discovered you I happened to be in DC having the worst hive-attack of my life and bitching about it on facebook and my friend sent me your "humble apology" post... and it was love at first read =)

JamaLee said...

Meg - We have the same birthday... and both turned 26. I realized I was old around christmas time when my most exciting present was a silverware set and a handbag. And I asked for TOWELS for my Birthday. And no one even fucking bought them for me. Not that i'm bitter... Oh. and I have friends that not only are married and have houses/kids, they also are getting divorced. It's hella weird.

Allison said...

Just a few days ago, while listening to Journey, my brother pointed out that "south Detroit" (where the "city boy" was "born and raised") is technically Canada. And I spent the next 15 minutes going, "But...Canada's *north* of us. How can it be in *south* Detroit?"

Finally my brother pulled up a map on his phone to show me...and I still didn't quite believe it.

Anonymous said...

haha yeahh michigan, go blue!!

Anonymous said...

So, I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but I'm 27 and I just tell people I'm 30 and lavish in the "really? but you look so young!!" comments. Add a few years and not only will you look better, but you'll be the most fun 30 year old on the block.

Anonymous said...

I'm 26 (don't tell ANYONE! I'm hoping by the time I turn 30, it will have been so long since anyone heard my age that they'll be like "was she 24 in '08? '09? We don't know!"), and yes - I feel old.

I was visiting some married friends recently, and they were like "Have you seen our wedding video? [uhh, no. who watches that shit?] The one where you're shaking your ass and dropping it like its hot all the way down the soul train line?" (Yes, we're black.) OMG. So embarrassed! Both because
1) part of me still feels 19 and misses my regularly scheduled weekend ass shaking in the club or at frat parties, and
2) because part of me is mortified that, AT MY AGE, anyone saw me do this (let alone recorded it).

Cory W. said...

FUCK-A-DOODLE-DOO, MEG! Learning your last name just now way like a punch in the chest. I literally just gasped out loud. I'm a little aroused right now in the way that a roller coaster kinda gives you the tickleys in your lady pickleys.

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