10.13.2011

State of the Meg — October, 2011

- Shit went down, I decided to give up on writing, I watched an inspiring video on Facebook, I changed my mind, I'm back. GUNS BLAZING. I was actually supposed to be back Monday with guns blazing, but then I realized it was Columbus Day and no one would be in the office, and Tuesday my Internet was shut off for the majority of the day because I hadn't paid my bill in a month of Sundays. Specifically three months of Sundays, which Comcast has become increasingly less cool about. But! I paid my bill and now I have $9 left in my bank account to get me to next Tuesday. If you'd like to put a tip in the tip jar, that would be awesome. If not, I've got some yogurt in the fridge and a salmon fillet in the freezer leftover from the one time I held book club in 2010, so something tells me I'll be fine.

- AHH, WAIT! BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE HAPPENS AND/OR I FORGET TO TELL YOU FOR THE 6,000TH TIME...our book, The Misanthrope's Guide to Life, is now available for The Kindle. So go download it, or upload it, or interface with it, or however that witchcraft and wizardry works.

- Re: yesterday's post:
IT WAS SO BAD, KYLE. So, so bad. Realistically speaking, I was probably hungover from Friday morning to early Saturday afternoon. I was so hungover I felt homesick. Like, there was that same lump in my throat and waves of sadness kept washing over me and I just wanted a hug from my mom. If I had a gun and a roommate, I would have asked to be taken out back and put out of my misery. On a related note, I'd like to apologize and/or say you're welcome to my Baja Fresh delivery guy, Jose. (I don't know if his name was actually Jose. That's just pure racism right there.) I finally got the energy to go online and order food at about 3:30ish, immediately fell back asleep, and woke up 45-minutes later to angry banging on my door and six missed calls on the phone I had whaled myself on top of. I then proceeded to answer the door in a negligee that in no way housed my breasts, extended a single shaking paw out the door, took my food, mumbled thank you, and shoved pork tacos in my face while watching old episodes of Wings on Netflix. And that's how it was for quite some time. So. Mr. Lethals. Not just a cute name for a drink. More of a lifestyle.

- While I'm issuing apologies, I'd like to apologize again to my Twitter followers for that obnoxious virus I got last week. I normally know better than to click on those virusy links that are like "LOL! I saw a picture of your dick on TMZ last night! Oh my god!!!! Look~!" because I've always got one eye on my dick and one eye on TMZ, but this one was practically tailor made for me:

 

GAHHHH! You got me, you bastards! You got me good. Given how Christ-awful things were going that week, it only made sense that someone was talking shit on some blog somewhere and I completely fell for it. I'm sorry. I lost a crap-ton of followers because of it, if it makes you feel any better. But you know what? That's your loss because you people are missing out on classic Evie/Meg tweets like this little gem:


Yeah, that's me and Evie. BFFs^max. Gettin' ready for bed. Making Blingees. Doin' face masks. I spent the last two weeks house/Evie sitting for my parents while they were in Santa Cruz and Napa (must be nice...) and Evie and I became freakishly close. We were inseparable. And I know you're interpreting me saying we were "inseparable" as like, "Oh, cool, they got a good snuggle session in here and there," but I what I mean is we were inseparable. Like, by the strictest definition of the word. She would not leave my side. I would have to walk her down to the kitchen to eat her meals or else she'd just stay in my bedroom with me all day and not eat. Typically sitting directly on my laptop. Here she is obstructing my view of the classic 1994 film Airheads:

Here is her paw:

Every time I went down into the basement to work out, she'd follow me and jump up on my chest and want to snuggle at inopportune times, like when I was climbing a particularly steep hill on the bike:
(I know I'm not anonymous anymore, but I'm sweating profusely in that picture and the Internet is forever. What do you want?)

So, yeah. No big deal. NBD, if you will. We're just two of the best friends this world has ever seen. Although it did get weird one night when I dreamt that I was back in college and couldn't remember my schedule and was stressing out, so my dream boyfriend and I snuggled on the couch and I was like, "God. This is so nice." Then I woke up and realized I was full-blown spooning Evie. Shit got a little too real, God bless me.

- My dad asked me to do two things while they were away: call Comcast and fix the Internet and set up their wireless printer. Because I already have an established relationship with Comcast (albeit a dysfunctional one), I took care of fixing that problem first. (And because I wanted to watch Airheads.) While I was on the phone with the Comcast tech, I had to go down to the basement, get on my hands and knees, and reach behind the router to unplug it. After unplugging it, I withdrew my hand and realized that I had just inadvertently grabbed a fistful of spiders. Just a whole handful of spiders and spiderwebs. I then managed to do the following without making a single noise or dropping the phone: gag and come dangerously close to vommitting, frantically wipe the contents of my right hand off on a Longaberger basket, jam the receiver between my ear and shoulder, and rip my shirt off with my left hand. I don't know why, but every time I realize there's an insect on me, my natural reaction to rip my shirt off. Even when it's not even on my shirt. This was particularly embarrassing during The Summer of the Cicadas when I was at Best Buy and thought I felt something on my back. "Megan, is there a cicada on my back?" I asked the friend I was with at the time. "Yes Meg, there is," she calmly replied. But then instead of batting the goddamn thing off me, she booked it in the opposite direction, I freaked out, hurled my purse into a rack of candy, and ripped off my shirt in the middle of Best Buy. I swear to God. Then, as I tried to regain composure and get my shirt back on, I heard this little "It's gone!" from halfway across the store in office supplies. Thank you, Megan. Ass.

Anyway, my whole point being, Chris and I worked off and on again for about a year developing a reality show with a few of dat dem der big time Hollywood producers, but they backed out a few months ago. Which is fine because, my God, the weight we'd have to lose. But every now and then a moment like that happens and I'm kind of sad I can't make a gif out of it. So much of my sadness is gif-related. You have no idea.

- I'm speaking at Hood College later this month about blogging ethics and when I told my mom the topic, she laughed-out-loud for a depressingly long amount of time. When I told my sister, she recoiled.

- Fitness First on L and 19th is on my shit list. Hot and heavy. First and foremost: we have to sign out hand towels now and they're limit one per person? Seriously? Where are we—Communist Russia?? Do you want me to till the fields and share my apartment with six of my closest comrades while I'm at it? Second and secondmost: they closed at four on Columbus Day and I walked all the way down there at 4:30 because I didn't know that and was all emotionally ready to work out and was instead faced with the harsh reality of two locked doors. Seriously? Columbus Day?? What is the point of a gym closing on Columbus Day? Do your employees need to go home to be with their families and eat their Columbus Day turkeys and sing Columbus Day carols and open Columbus Day presents around the Columbus Day tree? Shenanigans. Lazy, gym-related, Columbus Day shenanigans. AND that hot guy who's always there when I am didn't ask me out when I told him the score of the Cardinals/Brewers game the other day. I know that's not your fault because I was the one struggling to breathe and wearing six layers of sports bra at the time, but you certainly didn't help.

- While we're on the topic of policy changes, I have a new policy of my own: if you don't lock the door behind you when you go to the bathroom and I walk in on you, I refuse to be embarrassed. It's your fault, not mine. I am so sick of walking in on people in bathroom stalls and fitting rooms and having them treat me like I'm some kind of pervert trying to sneak a peek. I just have to pee, OK? I went to the bathroom, I saw a door ajar, I naturally pushed it open, and lo and behold—there you are with your pants down all, "UM, EXCUSE ME, DO YOU MIND?!" Yes! Yes I do! I don't want to see your junk anymore more than you want to show it to me! And the thing is, this happens to me more than it should. It happened to me twice this past weekend alone. Why aren't you weirdos locking the door behind you? Are you insane?? There's a lock on every public bathroom door in Americause 'em. And let me just address the obvious comment I know I'm going to get: "Oh, Meg, what barn were you raised in? You obviously knock before you go into a bathroom." Fuck that noise! Why should I knock? I'm not coming over to your apartment with a nice bottle of Merlot for an intimate gathering of friends and colleaguesI'm trying to piss at the bar. I can't hear shit over the Wilco that's inevitably being blasted anyway. Just lock the fucking door. And if you don't and I walk inI will no longer be embarrassed. Effective immediately. EAT IT.

- Alex, Helena and I were supposed to go camping last weekend but it started pouring as we pulled into the campgrounds and we had to throw in the towel. Speaking of towels, I should have known the trip was destined for failure when I realized that I forgot Hat. (Let that speak loudly. Forgetting Hat, forgetting Larry Hagman's birthday...God. Get your shit together, Rowland.) We got drunk on boxed wine in an Olive Garden parking lot instead, so, I mean, the night wasn't an entire loss. More to the point, en route to camping, I made Helena and Alex try my Clear Eyes Cooling Relief drops and they LOVED it. "I know! It's amazing, right? That's why I blogged about it!" Helena was then essentially like, "No offense, but I thought that post was just some bullshit filler and disregarded it. I stand corrected." So, in summary, that post where I recommended you put Clear Eyes Cooling Relief in your eyes and run really fast down a hallway? It wasn't (entirely) bullshit filler. Try it. You won't regret it.

- Speaking of blog posts that didn't get the appreciation I felt they should have, I'm going to re-post the Vance Vance Revolution graphic I made. Not only do I think it's clever, it took an embarrassingly long amount of time to research and create it, and it only got like one comment that was just someone telling me to go fuck myself. So, JIM VANCE: the revolution will be televised.

- I should go fuck myself.

Current State of the Meg: Hanging on by a thread. Slash incredibly aroused by this crisp Fall weather! Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

this post left a bad taste in my mouth. so you don't post for weeks for whatever reason, and one of the first things you do when you get back is to ask for money? not cool meg, not cool

Brandi said...

Good fucking God, why couldn't you speak at Hood while I was still a student! Damn the universe. Also, my suite mate has walked in on me in the bathroom TWICE this semester already, I would think that the sounds of running water would be a giveaway that someone's in there, but apparently not.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I donated last year, but now that you've got three book deals and I've bought two copies of the first one, I really don't know how to feel about the PayPal begging. I'm not saying you should give up on writing, Meggles, but if you only have $9 in your bank account after 3 book deals, maybe it's time to find a day job to support the writing.

KT said...

Your book is only available on the Kindle and not the Nook? Booooo.

Callie said...

Meg,
1. If you had a reality show I would watch it so hard...
2. as far as the Baja Fresh incident..it happens to all of us...
3. I used to be the person who always left the door unlocked, then a few years ago an old man opened the door of a porta potty I was in exposing me to multiple people, also I was in that I'm finished and I'm standing-but I have not yet pulled up my pants moment- and I learned my lesson..Consider yourself a teacher, helping people learn the importance of shutting the door and LOCKING IT
4. Please don't stop writing or blogging, i feel like you're the voice for my incredibly, vocationally and otherwise, constipated generation

Anonymous said...

I LOVE that you added Dave to the banner. Nice touch, Rowland! Nice touch.

Hendrik said...

the columbus day line-priceless

Hoolia said...

I LOL'd the second I went to your page and saw Dave in the banner. Immediately after this I'm going to download the book to my Kindle, I can't wait. I was far too lazy to order the book, wait for it to be delivered, and then have to turn the pages.

bluemoon said...

So I got your book on Kindle and am reading it now (about 90% done!), but I'm confused..it sounds like just Chris wrote it because all of the references seem to be from a male perspective. Where are you in this book, Meg? :o

Mike K said...

Mmm yogurt, salmon, and sugar free red bull! Breakfast of champions. Love the new banner and glad to see you make more than 1 post a month.

BTW, did you ever talk to the hot guy at Sette? My offer still stands, fyi.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you'd have more than $9 if you didn't buy organic yogurt from Trader Joe's?

What happened to the book advance?

Anonymous said...

I am so happy for your return. I have to share than a friend and I went to Rennfest for the first time recently and we read your Rennfest entries on our way there. I was afriad you have built our hopes up, but no, you were right on the mark. That place is an experience that I will gladly enjoy again next year. Though, I could live without being mooned on the way back to my car. Anyways, keep up the good work!

-Gogo

Anonymous said...

Yay! I just bought the kindle book to furitively read at work. I expect the money will be directly deposited to your account: don't go spend it all on rootbeer vodka.

Anonymous said...

I was marginally excited you were back, but then you immediately started begging for money. Your first couple of posts in.. how long? Typical.

Lisa said...

MEG! CHRIS! (mostly Meg though b/c she's in DC)... "Human Centipede II" is playing at E St. Cinema this weekend! PLEASE do a worst of netflix (or in this case "worst of yupster cinema): http://www.landmarktheatres.com/Films/films_frameset.asp?id=108867

Mish Lovin' Life said...

I find it humorous and irritating that these "anonymous" folk can only focus on the financial aspect of this hilar post.
If they're that upset about it, how about they stop reading the blog?
Lame.

bluemoon said...

Also? I'm glad you're back to posting! We missed you! :)

Anonymous said...

I can't decide if the people upset(?!) that you have $9 in your account are jerks or just genuinely so much better with their money than me, you or anyone I know. I have a job; it doesn't pay super well, but it pays. I also have rent, bills, a stomach, a dog with a stomach, debts and the occasional desire to have a bit of fun. And we get paid monthly here in the UK. So when the end of the month (or the 6th, who am I kidding) rolls around, I have to hunt down cashpoints that give out £5 notes because that's all I have to withdraw. And I'm okay with that. And if I could ask people to give me a couple of quid for some funnies I was providing for them, and those few pounds meant I could have something better than a cup a soup for lunch, I'd be all over it!

Anonymous said...

1) I had to take a break from this post three times because it kept making me laugh out loud (very loud) at work.

2) Dear people who bitch about the tiniest mention of dollarz when they're getting this content for FREE (without NSFW American Apparel ads like some blogs I could mention (DCist)): You are the fucking worst. Christ.

ryan said...

I really hope Meg is prepared for dudes at bars to start putting insects on her.

Kristyn said...

There's nothing I love more than a good ol' State of the Meg! This was a particularly good one. Maybe I'm weird, but what made me laugh the hardest was the picture of JUST Evie's paw. I mean - it's just her paw!!! Only paw. Nothing else. And she looks like she's testing the softness of that rug or whatever... like she's in the market for a new rug.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

So I got your book on Kindle and am reading it now (about 90% done!), but I'm confused..it sounds like just Chris wrote it because all of the references seem to be from a male perspective. Where are you in this book, Meg? :o
We tried to do a mix of both male and female perspective. Not every section written from the male perspective was Chris. I don't know. Fuck me.

I can't decide if the people upset(?!) that you have $9 in your account are jerks or just genuinely so much better with their money than me, you or anyone I know. I have a job; it doesn't pay super well, but it pays. I also have rent, bills, a stomach, a dog with a stomach, debts and the occasional desire to have a bit of fun. And we get paid monthly here in the UK. So when the end of the month (or the 6th, who am I kidding) rolls around, I have to hunt down cashpoints that give out £5 notes because that's all I have to withdraw. And I'm okay with that. And if I could ask people to give me a couple of quid for some funnies I was providing for them, and those few pounds meant I could have something better than a cup a soup for lunch, I'd be all over it!
I want to kiss you on the mouth.

Anonymous said...

"Six of one, half a dozen of the other."

So...I always thought it was six TO one, half a dozen TO the other.

Anonymous said...

Love you Meg! Does Evie do cat playdates?

Leigh said...

the british comment is made 100% funnier by the fact that it is peppered with british lingo (cashpoint? quid? funnies?) love it

Anonymous said...

I do get pretty mad/frustrated when months go by and I see no posts. But when you DO post, it's hard to stay mad for long. In sum: I'm not mad atcha.

ennta said...

I have been waiting for your book on Kindle for a bit now, and of course as soon as it hits teh interwebz I am unable to purchase it due to a negative balance in my checking account. (True story: I have a giant plastic container full of laundry in the trunk of my car waiting for the day I have enough quarters to wash and dry it all.)

Also rent is due this week.

But I'll help when I can! Love the blog.

The Genius Savant said...

Evie overload and I LOVE it!

Anonymous said...

I really want to buy your book. Is there somewhere we can purchase it from that you'll get a bigger cut than just Amazon? Also, don't know if you've read the comments on your Amazon book page, but they're nearly as funny as this post.

I only semi-support the request for you to get a job not because of the subtle request for tips but because the fodder that came from Boss 1 & Boss 2 was EPIC. Went back to reread some of those posts a few weeks ago and laughed so hard I cried. Does Whitney Cummings know about you? You'd be a fantastic writing addition to her 3 shows on TV.

Amelie said...

"There's a lock on every public bathroom door in America." - WHY? When I use a public bathroom in America, I just think, 'what is the point in this door being here at all?' There's such a big gap between the door and the rest of the cubicle - one time I actually made eye contact with someone having a piss opposite me.

Amelie said...

"There's a lock on every public bathroom door in America." - WHY? When I use a public bathroom in America, I just think, 'what is the point in this door being here at all?' There's such a big gap between the door and the rest of the cubicle - one time I actually made eye contact with someone having a piss opposite me.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I really want to buy your book. Is there somewhere we can purchase it from that you'll get a bigger cut than just Amazon?
Aw, bless you! The cut we get is so small I'm always inclined to say it doesn't matter, but we do get a few extra pennies if you download it for an e-reader.

Anonymous said...

Your tipjar link is broken, btw.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! SWEET, SWEET TIPS!

CourtneyP said...

OMG, I imagine a reality show with you in it would be Jersey Shore x1,000,000 (but minus the orange spray tan, leopard print, and VD). Sucks that the opportunity fell through!

To the anonymous commenters who like to taIk about your financial well-being: I work in publishing and you have to have something like 3 or 4 books published and selling well before you start making enough of a profit to quit your job and write full time. It's not the instantaneous success that a lot of people assume it is just because someone's interested in your manuscript.

Meg, keep on keepin' on and I'm sure your hard work and amazing sense of humor is going amount to dollar bills shooting out of your a$$ in no time.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

To the anonymous commenters who like to taIk about your financial well-being: I work in publishing and you have to have something like 3 or 4 books published and selling well before you start making enough of a profit to quit your job and write full time. It's not the instantaneous success that a lot of people assume it is just because someone's interested in your manuscript.
Hollerback. Whenever someone's like, "Didn't you get a book advance", I'm like yes. And then I paid a bill and bought toilet paper. (Not to hate on our publishers. Christ knows we were grateful for it.)

Megan said...

someone who loves me just bought the book for me and left it on my desk as a surprise! I AM SO EXCITED TO READ IT! nicest surprise ever!

Katie said...

I would just like to state for the record that not only did I LOVE the Clear Eyes post, I sent to to friends AND posted it on my FB wall. I just hate the comments when you post infrequently (hence the anon dbag who posted at 7:17 A f'in M) so I avoid them but:

APPRECIATION, APPRECIATION, APPRECIATION

Anonymous said...

so there's a link under your Evie blingie and I got super excited. It says "evie pictures"....I thought you had made a bunch, and I couldn't wait!

...no, just a bunch of pictures of a random interracial couple being all....blingie.

Kate said...

Meg, I think you are fucking brilliant. I also think you are my kindred spirit from the north. You write about things that I think and experience. If you ever go on a book tour to Atlanta, contact me and I can get you into some serious shenanigans....BTW I bought your book and I love it. I also love how hard it makes me laugh out loud while I am in a public place.

Andie said...

I love you. And you blog exactly how I think. And I am not sure your tip jar works?

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

<3 You can donate to my PayPal account. It's meg@2birds1blog.com

A non-related Becca said...

FFS don't donate if you don't want to but don't fill the comments with your whinging BS, go call people lame and gay on youtube or argue about Healthcare on a news forum, they like people with pissy opinions there.

In the mean time, I'm glad you're back Meg and Chris and am excited about getting a copy of your book, I'd put it off for a while because I was saving for a trip to Italy but I will be buying it in about 2 minutes.

Congratulations on your success so far and I genuinely hope you keep writing. Sucks that the TV stuff fell through. Judging by the quality of the actual stuff that gets made those guys have taste up their arse, your show would have been a million times better! The real bloggers of DC is my suggested title should it get off the ground again :)

Stay excellent.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I am so happy for your return. I have to share than a friend and I went to Rennfest for the first time recently and we read your Rennfest entries on our way there. I was afriad you have built our hopes up, but no, you were right on the mark. That place is an experience that I will gladly enjoy again next year. Though, I could live without being mooned on the way back to my car. Anyways, keep up the good work!

-Gogo


Oh my God, I just saw that! I'm so happy! We're going next week!

Beatrice said...

Is the hot guy you're referring to at Fitness First an employee? Because if so I might know him...

Brittan said...

I'm late to this but I have to add my two cents to the anonymous complainers.

When you go to an amateur comedy show you leave tips or donations. When someone makes you a good cup of coffee you tip. Bands hawk their merch for gas money. I don't understand the difference. Just because it's on the internet doesn't mean it has to be free. These are still people giving us the goods and not forcing us to look at ads or pay for a subscription.

Do I wish you posted more frequently? Yes. But. I'm a broke-ass 26-year-old too and I know how it is. ALSO - not always that easy to find a day job. I have a Masters degree and have been looking since June.

In conclusion, I bought your book and tipped back when I still had student loans to tip from.

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