10.20.2011

Yesterday afternoon was extremely eventful:

1.) A homeless woman on a D2 bus explained both sides of the Occupy Wall Street protests to me and while getting into this conversation was in no way my idea, I'm not trying to front like it wasn't extremely helpful.

2.) I was taking the D2 from McPherson Square to Connecticut and 20th and get my eyebrows threaded, but I was so caught up in this woman's surprisingly coherent and helpful explanation of the protests that I completely missed my stop and had to get off at Connecticut and S. While hoofing it back to the other side of the circle, I totally crossed paths with THE HOT DILF-Y WAITER FROM SETTE. For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter (and I don't know why you wouldn't, as I clearly tweet about ~*BoYz, bOyZ, BOyZ!!!*~), I have a bit of a thing for one of the waiters at Sette Osteria. It's not creepy, it's not desperate, I just want to have semi-rough sex with him and I'm relying solely on the power of the Internet to make it happen. It's normal. Steve Jobs is dead. It's 2011—anything's possible.

I go out to dinner with my parents every other week or so and we typically either go to James Hoban's or Sette. This means that I see hot DILF-y waiter quite frequently, and very much in a context where I'm stuffing fried seafood into my face and sitting directly next to my father. Which is uncomfortable, to say the least. What's even more odd to me is that we're always there when he's working, yet he's never our actual waiter. (Which actually might be a good thing because I'd probably end up being like, "Oh, I'll just have a small salad and I don't have HPV, thanks!") (Although, in this day and age, I can't help but feel like that's quite the dowry...)

When I saw HDW across the street, so many things went through my mind in a fraction of a second. In order: "Shit. That guy's hot." —> "Why does he look so familiar...?" —> "Christ, did we hook up?" —> "HA HA! It's the hot DILF-y waiter from Sette!" —> "God, why did you insist on not showering today and wearing that dress with the salad dressing stain near the crotch because 'who's looking that closely?'" —> "I should tweet this." —> "No, loser, don't tweet this." —> "Blog this!"

This means that as I locked eyes with HDW, my face did the following Superbowl Shuffle of awkwardness: slight smile, single raise of eyebrow —> pug-like head tilt and extremely country "HUH??" facial expression —> heart drops into asshole, might vomit --> laughs out loud like an insane person —> hangs head in shame and moves purse over crotch —> eyes light up —> head goes back down —> TO THE BLOGMOBILE! 

But in a fraction of a second. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And my vagina on my Twitter.

3.) Later as I was walking down 19th street, a hot (yet significantly less Piven-esque) guy starting walking towards me in the opposite direction and we kind of gave each other the old once-over. As I started to go up the steps to Dupont Threading, he stopped me. 

"Excuse me," he said, as we obviously fell in love and I became pregnant with his seed, "But I've always wanted to know—what's threading?"

"Oh. Uh. It's an Indian method of—deep, deep sigh—hair removal." He then did the little you take care now! hand wave and said, "Hair removal. Got it," and walked away. Quickly. I don't know. It was humbling.

4.) This didn't happen yesterday, but speaking of constantly falling in love on the street, I was en route to a party on Q street last Friday night and got stuck walking behind a group of bro-looking guys who were probably in their early 30's. It was one of those irritating situations where you're awkwardly walking at the same rate as the person (or people) in front of you, but it's been a few blocks so you're starting to feel like a stalker, but if you speed up and pass them you know you won't be able to keep that rate up and you're just going to end up falling back behind them and appear even creepier...yes? No? Only me? Still boycotting Fitness First for their towel policy? Yes. Anyway, I couldn't help but overhear the conversation they were having about Hank Williams, Jr. and one of them brought up how he just wrote a new song to address the whole Obama/Nazi comment scandal. "Oh, really?" one of them asked sarcastically, "What was it, [sings] ARE YOU READY FOR SOME NEGROS?!" It took everything in my power not to laugh-out-loud, and in retrospect, I really wished I had. Because a.) you know if there's anything I love more than a bro in his early 30's, it's a receding hairline. And if there's anything I love more than a receding hairline, it's a lisp. And b.) I just appreciate anybody who has the chutzpah to sing a joke of that magnitude on a crowded street on a Friday night without any apologies. I was extremely tempted to write a Craigslist missed connection but decided not to when I realized it would essentially be: "YOU WERE THE GUY SINGING ABOUT NEGROS ON Q STREET FRIDAY NIGHT, I WAS THE BIG-TITTED GIRL BEHIND YOU WHO DIDN'T HAVE THE STAMINA TO WALK SLIGHTLY FASTER AND PASS YOU. WAS IT JUST ME, OR DID I FEEL A CONNECTION?!?!" Sigh. The one that got away...

5.) At a certain point yesterday afternoon I got really nauseous and my lower back started to hurt, so I obviously convinced myself that my kidneys were shutting down and completely freaked myself out. I'm fairly certain that I just had a bad cheesesteak, but I wouldn't say I'm out of the woods yet.

So...that was my Wednesday afternoon. What adventures will today hold?? I shudder to think.

23 comments:

Sydney said...

I get unreasonably excited when I see that you have a new post. I am in the library (I am not a psycho, I am just in Europe so its already 2pm here) and I just did a little joy gasp when I saw the new post which was kind of embarrassing to do in a public place, but also totally valid since this post (as always) was SUPER FUNNY. I especially enjoy the hpv comment.

cocktailsattiffanys said...

I want to know more about getting your eyebrows threaded—always been curious about it!

-Lucky

toppe said...

1) a stranger stopped you on the street to ask what threading was?!? with no explanation? that has got the be the most random thing a person could ask.
2) i LOVED your point sit on that reaction and the play by play of facial expressions. i almost spit my coffee on my computer
3) can you please, PLEASE explain to me occupy wallstreet from both sides?? i think i get it, but then i think i may be waaaay off. and i wanna know! maybe in a personal email, maybe right here, maybe in another blog post? i can see you making something like that funny
4)i dont make lists

Ursula said...

I have to admit I don't "get" Occupy Wall Street. I have spent a lot of time on the wearethe99percent website trying to get it, but still nothing.

Charley said...

THIS. Hysterical...I can't meet men on the street for all of those reasons. I just can't pull it together to function when surprised on the street.

Chicago James said...

What's not to understand about Occupy Wall St? In a single sentence, we're tired of our democracy being treated like a plutocracy by the top 1% (it's actually more the top 0.5% but that's not as catchy).

What I'm confused about is, what are the "two sides"? Do you mean the Occupy Wall St. protesters and people against them? That would likely be the Tea Party, but the two groups actually have much more in common ideologically than they're willing to admit.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I want to know more about getting your eyebrows threaded—always been curious about it!
I highly recommend it. It's more precise than waxing or plucking, fast, and better for your skin. I'm sure there's a youtube video of it being done. HOP ON THE TRAIN.

2) i LOVED your point sit on that reaction
I came THIS close to telling the "point sit on that" story.

3) can you please, PLEASE explain to me occupy wallstreet from both sides?
ZOMG I'm going to be Charleston from Nov. 1-3, can we please get together and I'll explain it then?!?! I'll email you in a hot sec.

What I'm confused about is, what are the "two sides"? Do you mean the Occupy Wall St. protesters and people against them?
Yes.

Anonymous said...

"Oh, I'll just have a small salad and I don't have HPV, thanks!"

Day. Made.

~Jordon

KT said...

I got high off my ass at the dentist today on nitrous and read your blog post. When I re-read it sober it was just as funny. I can't think of a better compliment to give you.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I was about to say, that's probably the highest compliment anyone's ever paid me.

A non-related Becca said...

I know its a couple of days late but I had a good hard think about the "Where do we go from here?" post and I just want to say that I hope you keep writing together. I'm not a creeper but I did think that it was worth some consideration and the upshot of that for me was that I think you guys make a great team for book writing and that while you may pursue opportunities on your own as well, I'd like to see you keep the team together for more books. I greatly enjoyed your first book and I hope to buy your second one soon.

The Occupy movement has gone viral and is now in Australia (btw that is how you know something has gone main stream, it gets syndicated to the arse end of the planet). Although given our typical approach to things (and what I have heard from the media) it is just a couple of hipsters hanging out in the main street of Brisbane drinking coffee, which is actually more like a holiday than a protest.

This was hilarious, as always.

Anonymous said...

***PATIENTLY WAITING TO HEAR HOW RENFEST RESULTED IN A BROKEN HAND AND A HOLE IN YOUR KNEE...WRITTEN WHILE DOPED ON VICODEN OF COURSE***

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