Apparently his opening line to Alex during negotiations was, "You do not want to go toe-to-toe in an insanity contest with Meg Rowland." I'm not entirely sure how to take that. It reminds me of the time the "right" way to slit your wrists came up at a dinner party and I was like, "Oh, I'm pretty sure you do it vertically." My friend Sarah then said, and I quote, "Yeah, I trust you—YOU SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF GIRL WHO'D KNOW HOW TO KILL HERSELF." I gave her a single raise of the eyebrow and she was immediately like, "Wait...that didn't sound right. I didn't mean it like that!" But again, I don't really know how else I'm supposed to take that. At all. So in summary: my friends think I'm batshit crazy and a Venus Intuition away from suicide, but I'm glad Dan finally managed to talk some sense into Alex. Here's the deal: Friday afternoon, Alex and I will meet at Target in Columbia Heights where I will buy him a new, affordable towel. After that, we will go back to Alex's apartment—or his Fritzl cellar, as I call it—and we'll make the trade.
Nobody specified who gets final say on which towel I have to buy him, so I've decided to give Alex ten options. (Which, frankly, I think is more than generous considering I'm the victim in all of this.) He may chose from the following:
1.) The "Lanai" leopard print towel:
2.) This lovely and festive Hanukkah dishtowel:
3.) The "Peace Out" bath towel:
Of which Target.com customer "azhippiechick" says, "I purchased this for my granddaughter and she says it is far-out and groovy. The envy of all her cool friends." I mean, I'm obviously somewhat hesitant to buy him something that I'll only end up being jealous of, but hey—a deal's a deal.
4.) This moose wastebasket:
Which isn't a towel, but is nonetheless quite handsome.
5.) This Nazi towel I found on the Internet for the completely reasonable price of two-dollars:
6.) This genuinely adorable Buzz Lightyear hoodie towel:
7.) A specially embroidered Baptism towel:
(You may have to wait 2-3 weeks for that one, though...)
8.) This "Witch Parking—All others will be TOAD" towel:
I personally would go for this one, but you know me. I'm a sick pup. I've got that dark sense of humor.
9.) This uncomfortable tea towel I just found on etsy:
Because, you know, pussy hair.
10.) Or this Yoda bath towel that's perfect for the dyslexic Star Wars lover in you:
(And I know he's in there!)
So there you go, Alex! Pretty maids all in a row. Ten perfectly good, affordable towels that I'd be more than happy to buy for you. So which one's it gonna be, bud???