I missed DEXTER for THIS?

So I went on a date Sunday night. My first New York City date. I “met” the guy through the personals on bust.com through Bust magazine and had high hopes for this gent. He is 30, in magazine publishing, plays the guitar and seemed to be very attractive.

APPEARANCES ARE DECIEVING PEOPLE. Do not put up pictures of yourself that make you seem hotter than you are! That is just such a bad idea; I cannot stress it enough. Sure I put up a few pictures where my neck is at such an angle that I look like I have better bone structure than I do, but I wasn’t hiding a major skin disorder or a major jacked up teeth situation that causes a nerdy sounding lisp. Just don’t do it people.

So let me back up a little bit. So this Internet “bad-ass hottie” named Steve and I had been emailing for a few weeks and decided to go out for dinner and drinks. “Mamas gonna get some!” I casually thought to myself while making a thrusting motion of my pelvis (at work).

A few days before the date was to go down (if the pictures were accurate…zing!), Steve called me to chat. I was immediately caught off guard by what a stereotypically “nerd” voice he had. It was nasal with a slight lisp and he stuttered a lot. He also talked. A lot. Mostly about the difference between chrome slides vs. Digital photos in a magazine. Now I’m a design/magazine nerd, but such conversation is not the way to my heart, or my pants. He also divulged that the reason he couldn’t go out on Saturday is because he was going to UFC, or Ultimate Fight Championship.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Like the cage fighting you see on Spike TV when you’re flipping through channels...his “obsession.” Hmm…I hung up a half hour later feeling 98% “Oh fuck, how do I get out of this gracefully?” However, the 2% left rationalized that cool people can be into lame things. Take me for example, I love “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” “Mystery Science Theater 3000” and went to the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival for 6 years in a row out of choice. Or my roommate Serena! She’s cool as shit, but enjoys a good Renaissance Festival and likes horses. Or my sister! The epitome of cool, and she likes Linkin Park! I was feeling better and ready for our date.

The day before our date R2Steve2 (as he shall here on be called due to his cliché nerdy voice) called again and said we would be going to a Mexican restaurant on St. Marks Place. “Score!” I thought. I had had a very successful first date at a nice Mexican restaurant before and St. Marks is a trendy area. So the afternoon of the date I was filled with anticipation and butterflies. So I killed those butterflies with my pre-date ritual of a glass of wine and a bagel (well, the bagel wasn’t part of the ritual, I was just hungry). Except instead of one glass, I had three and was feeling a wee bit sloshed seeing how I had only eaten half a bagel that day. I realized that I had no idea where St. Marks Place was, if it was a park, circle, arch, dome, cube? I looked at the MTA map and saw that there wasn’t a St. Marks Place stop anywhere. Not wanting to call R2Steve2 back and reveal that not only am I new to the city, but I’m heavily geographically challenged, I searched the rolodex of my mind to think of who would know how to get around St. Marks. I knew there was only one man: my father. Seeing how my father went to NYU and spent a good chunk of the 60’s as a junkie laying around that area I called him up. Yes kids, I asked my dad for directions to my date drunk. Siiiighhh… But trusty old dad knew the directions of which trains I should take off of the top of his head and I was on my way.

Half an hour later, there I was, gussied up and looking fly, waiting for R2Steve2 at the corner of St. Marks (a street, not a park, circle, arch dome or cube) and third. Suddenly, he walked up and we exchanged glances. “What’s up, I’m Patsy.” I calmly said. “OH MY FUCKING GOD! HE’S SHORT, HAS GRAYING HAIR, LOOKS LIKE HE’S SUFFERING FROM LEPROCY, HAS A SERIOUS BUSTED TOOTH PROBLEM AND SMELLS LIKE ONIONS! RUN! RUN AS FAST AS THOSE IRONIC COWBOY BOOTS YOU ARE WEARING WILL TAKE YOU!” screamed my brain. But I’m not that shallow. I decided not to run and to continue on to the Mexican place and give the man a chance.

Now about this Mexican place. Turns out he takes me to Burritoville, a burrito-to-go place where you order at the counter. I got a taco salad and offered to pay but was met with R2Steve2 assuring me “Oh no, it’s on me, it’s the least I can do since we have to eat it in the cold.” Are you fucking kidding me? It was 32 degrees out! We shivered over our food talking awkwardly, most of the time just him talking about his new found love of shrooms and the best way to brew them in tea. Once the meal was over I thought, “Thank God, I’m getting the fuck out of here!” But then R2Steve2 asked if I wanted to go for a drink. And I just can’t refuse a damn drink, so I reluctantly said yes.

R2Steve2 took me to “The 24-hour Cocktail Lounge,” which I can best describe as the seedy bar at a seedy strip club, but sans strippers. We were the only people there (besides the 90 year old bartender who can’t speak anymore and just shuffles around) and there was no music playing. You could cut the awkward with a knife. We sat down at a booth that no doubt has already given me the Herp, and began awkwardly talking again as I chugged my Heineken. Finally another couple came in and started to have a normal conversation that was occasionally interrupted by bursts of laughter. “Do you think we have that kind of chemistry?” R2Steve2 asked. “No I don’t. I also think I have to go now.” And that was that.

Fuck. Me.


Anonymous said...

think of it this way, right now your date karma is in your favor. because of the horrendousness of r2steve2, you are almost guaranteed an amazing date sometime soon. it's nature's way of balancing things out. and of getting you laid.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

hmmm...as per usual, i like the way you think.

busy saturday night?

Anonymous said...

I still think you should have hidden out in the foreign language dictionary section of a book store (who looks there)and called me, to call you, and pull a rick/caitlin move.

Blair is right, date karma is in your favor. If you believe in that hippie crap.


Anonymous said...

well i guess there's no denying it now that patsy has outed me in all my nerdy glory. yes. i, serena van der woodsen, have attended a few maryland renaissance festivals in my day. but come on, who wouldn't want to hang out in a forest in god-knows-where maryland with a bunch of people dressed in elaborate medieval garb and speaking in pseudo-british accents while referring to you as "m'lady" or "my lord, my liege" and pretending that it's 1540? no? just me? fine. but where else can you drink mead served by a legit wench or double fist fried pickles and steak on a stake while watching a jousting match? you heard me, steak on a stake. it's witty wordplay and delicious sustenance all in one!

so, august 23, 2008... who's with me???

i bid thee farewell,
lady serena of windsor terrace

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

me things i shall be there with you, in the hinder woods of queen mary's land, eating steak on a stake and drinking ye olde pepsi.

i bid you a good day m'lady,

lady patsy anonymous also of windsor terrace

Anonymous said...

detrol la and headaches amitriptyline neuropathic pain antiparasitic mebendazole scotish clothing fo the stuart calan apo sertraline hcl buy cod gasex penicillin and mono hytrin use in women negative stories on caffeine diflucan over the counter wal mart tramadol for sle order horny goat weed next day puppy amoxicillin bladder infection betnovate without a prescription web viagra pronouce cephalexin money order sildenafil citrate purchase cheap cok-n gout and asprin diclofenac dr caffeine and creatinine level stenotrophomonas treatment levaquin facts tramadol 50 mg diovan benefits risks

avapro 150mg [url=http://reflectiveface4.pbworks.com/]what is cardizem used for[/url] lithium aspartate and brain function [url=http://vulgarvolition3.pbworks.com/]fosamax and dead jaw[/url] newer drug than strattera [url=http://importedevidenc.pbworks.com/]buy haldol with no prescription[/url] aa lithium ion cell [url=http://grotesquecrease.pbworks.com/]buy celadrin online overnight[/url] terramycin erythromycin [url=http://foregoingshuttl.pbworks.com/]generic for detrol[/url] online pharmacy tramadol 120 ea [url=http://spectacularinju.pbworks.com/]casodex side effects[/url] topical dexamethasone potency compared to hydrocortisone [url=http://waterymuseum70.pbworks.com/]glaxo epivir[/url] tramadol hydrochloride capsules 50mg [url=http://jaggedfacsimile.pbworks.com/]side effects of biaxin with caffeine[/url] abdominal pain caused by ibuprofen [url=http://ambiguousbarrel.pbworks.com/]is estrace cream safe[/url] 100mg generic caverta 100 pill [url=http://unequaledshield.pbworks.com/]research support use of aricept[/url]

Anonymous said...

weight loss camp for women Cipro with no prescription drug interaction between zoloft and theophylline buying deal discount Elavil advanced weight loss diets Prevacid online ordering celias viagra uk delivery online overnight FML Forte can you take butterbur with accutane non prescription Atrovent alternative prozac and cymbalta lamictal triggers gout attack protein weight loss smoothies buy Bactrim without a prescription online in New York ativan and synthroid mixed together Toprol XL drug no prescription avapro writing pens lipitor overdose adverse reactions coreg suppliers of Actos in uk albendazole buy overnight Capoten lipitor side effects high blood pressure Zanaflex no prescription required

nexium hyponatremia [url=http://blog.bitcomet.com/post/586099/]Entocort online drugstore[/url] buspar dosing [url=http://blog.bitcomet.com/post/582467/]buy Yasmin online without a prescription[/url] drug evista lowest prescription price [url=http://blog.bitcomet.com/post/586277/]legal Trazodone online in Oakland[/url] how do i calculate weight loss [url=http://s4.zetaboards.com/buyFludaconline/index/]order Fludac prescription[/url] reglan producir mas leche [url=http://s4.zetaboards.com/buyLeukeranonline/index/]Leukeran next day no prescription[/url] protonix generic 2007 [url=http://s4.zetaboards.com/buyCymbaltaonline/index/]cheap generic Cymbalta[/url] allegra print imaging [url=http://blog.bitcomet.com/post/585023/]generic Claritin drug[/url] hyaluronic acid puritan's pride [url=http://blog.bitcomet.com/post/582079/]recommendation for taking tetracycline[/url] weight huntersville clinic loss [url=http://s4.zetaboards.com/buyRevatioonline/index/]cheap Revatio next day delivery[/url] lab work for weight loss patients [url=http://blog.bitcomet.com/post/583667/]on-line generic Ampicillin[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.tadalafil.sitew.com/]tadalafil ic-351[/url]
tadalafil cvs

psychic said...

I just discovered this site, it is fantastic! I love it, and I will be back!

Anonymous said...

[url=http://buycialispremiumpharmacy.com/#eqczk]cialis online[/url] - generic cialis , http://buycialispremiumpharmacy.com/#koqyi buy cheap cialis

Anonymous said...

[url=http://buyviagrapremiumpharmacy.com/#aexqd]viagra online[/url] - buy cheap viagra , http://buyviagrapremiumpharmacy.com/#agcpv viagra online

Anonymous said...

[url=http://buylevitradirectlyonline.com/#fgywu]buy levitra[/url] - order levitra , http://buylevitradirectlyonline.com/#rxoil generic levitra

Anonymous said...

[url=http://buyonlineaccutaneone.com/#yhqwa]accutane 5 mg[/url] - accutane online , http://buyonlineaccutaneone.com/#eiqmi accutane 10 mg

Anonymous said...

Working your way approaching a sexier core compel govern you into using a highly operative onus detriment remedy in African Mango Plus. It is planted and grown following the strictest agricultural standards. It does not check any baleful ingredient that desire genesis side effects. Instead it can contrariwise certain results in the safest, fastest and the easiest way possible.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://truecialishere.com/#gnizq]buy cialis 60 mg[/url] - buy cialis 40 mg , http://truecialishere.com/#uuwww buy cialis online

friv yoob said...

Sr. Cashman, le doy las gracias por esta información. Friv Friv Friv 2018 n todo momento puede Friv 3 Friv 2019 Friv Friv 3 optar por compartir su información personal con terceros. Friv Friv 2020 Friv Gracias por compartir su pasión por el mejoramiento de las vidas de los niños en el Estado de Nueva York

Unknown said...

I appreciate you sharing this article.Thanks Again. Much obliged. More Information

Unknown said...

thank you for sharing this information. I have been looking for this information and appreciate your effort. useful link

imrankhanpromises said...

This is a great post. I like this topic. This site has lots of advantage. I found many interesting things from this site. It helps me in many ways. Thanks for posting this again. useful content

ahmed said...

The first best cleaning company in Dammam provides the best professional cleaning work in the completion of all services in the fastest time and organized according to the methodology and schedule clean the specific steps.
شركة النجوم لخدمات التنظيف
شركة تنظيف بالبخار بجدة
شركة تنظيف منازل بجدة
شركة نقل عفش بجدة

Clicky Web Analytics