A: I know.
Q: WELLITY, WELLITY, WELLITY...
A: I know.
Q: SIR WELLINGSTEIN, WELLINGSTEIN, WELLINGSTEIN...
A: That's bold of you to give a Jew a courtesy title.
Q: Oh-ho no you don't. You're not getting out of this one with a little lighthearted anti-Semitism. Where the hell have you been?
Q: NOPE. Don't care. Bigger fish to fry. First things first: is Larry Hagman alive?
As of 3:45am on April 15, 2011, Larry Hagman is...alive!
Q: Good, because if he was dead, you'd have a ten-gallon hat full of eco-friendly blood on your hands, madam.
A: I know.
Q: Now you you may explain yourself. Where have you been?
A: On hiatus.
Q: Well, thanks so much for letting us know!
A: I know. It's complicated. I was nervous to—
Q: Don't care. So why the hiatus? Abortion? Alien abduction? Mental breakdown? Each explanation is slightly more likely than the last.
A: No, Adams Media hired us to write another book.
Q: Wait, really?
Q: When's it due?
A: May 3rd.
Q: But aren't you still working on the first book?
A: Oooof, yes. Hence the hiatus.
Q: Well, again, you could have told us.
A: Yeah, but again, I was worried that—
Q: And again, I don't really care. So how's the second book coming?
Q: Oh, you simple country ham.
A: I have nothing but faith that it's going to be great when we're done, but getting there has been exponentially harder than last time. Like, if writing a book is like giving birth to a baby, we delivered the first one when we bent over to pick up a dinner mint and sneezed at the same time and it slid right out of us. This second book, however, has been hard labor and delivery. And we keep getting our room changed, and it's been 14 hours and we're only dilated to three, and the doctor wants to do a C-section but that wasn't part of our birth plan and we're really adamant about delivering it naturally and our husband is in the hall fighting with the doctor and we can hear everything and it's like, this isn't the environment we wanted to welcome our baby into the world in, you know? But I mean, either way we get a healthy baby in the end, so it's not a big deal.
Q: Bent over...and sneezed.
Q: And it "slid" right out of you.
Q: Well, I'm very sorry you have to work hard.
A: I'm not complaining, I'm just explaining.
Q: Oh yeah? Are you also straining? While doing some weight training? Careful, it looks like you're waning!
A: So you saw Happy Gilmore on ABC Family the other night too?
Q: ...Yes. Alright, so you're writing a second book and you'll be done in a few weeks, good for you.
A: Thank you.
Q: I still think you're just horrible.
A: Well, I thought you might.
Q: Just to keep you in your place, here's an alphabetized list of reasons why you and your blog suck:
A: Alienates readers
B: Blogs are lame
C: Complains too much
D: Depression isn't interesting
E: Embarrassing to our country when abroad
F: Font is irritatingly small
G: Grammatically retarded
H: Hard to get through
I: Inconvenient to my schedule
J: Just get a fucking job already
K: Keep trying to get sponsors, it looks like that's really working for you
L: Links don't open in a new window
M: Misuses idioms
N: Never posts anymore
O: Over (as in, this blog is)
P: PayPal button? Really?
Q: Queer Abby was good/horrible, why did you get rid of it?/I don't read humor blogs for advice
R: "Retarded" offends me
T: Trust Fund Kid
V: Vocally supports CJ Fam
X: XXX posts without the NSFW warning; thanks
Y: Because I hate you
A: You kind of lost it at the end there, huh?
Q: Well, I couldn't think of anything else that started with a Z.
A: What about, "Zero talent"?
Q: 'Eh. It doesn't really pack the same punch as "Zootechnics", does it?
A: Yeah, but at least it's relevant.
Q: Look, are you aware that you suck?
Q: Than my job is done here.
A: What does "Zootechnics" even mean?
Q: It's the art of managing domestic or captive animals.
A: Is it really?
Q: Swear to God.
A: Huh. Well. That's good to know.
Q: So will you go back to blogging regularly after you turn in the manuscript?
A: Of course.
Q: What about between now and then?
A: I'll try to be better about getting some stuff up, but you have to understand that Adams's got our balls in a vice (God bless them). (Adams Media, that is. Not our balls.) (Although bless them too.)
Q: Speaking of us, where's Tulane Chris in all of this?
A: He's finishing his last few weeks of grad school and has a part-time job and is writing the book with me.
Q: Is he going to come back after the manuscript is done?
A: Yes. After May 3rd, everything goes back to normal.
Q: I miss him. What's new with him?
A: WELL, he's really excited about writing the second book and texts me a lot to say as much. Which is awkward because my texts to him are primarily about how I keep waking up having panic attacks.
Q: God, you must be fun to work with.
A: Well, I also text him about my bowel movements.
Q: Speaking of working with you, I applied to be your intern and haven't heard back. What gives?
A: Yeah, we're getting back to people this weekend. I'm sorry about that.
Q: SPEAKING OF THIS WEEKEND, what's tomorrow little missy?!?!!??!!
A: Sigh. My birthday.
Q: And how old are you turning?
A: Sigh. 26.
Q: Why can't that be a good thing? Why does everything have to be so sad and hard and horrible for you, Meghan?
A: I don't know. 26 sounds so old. And not like "ahhh, my eggs have been in the back of the refrigerator for two months and now we can't make french toast!" old, but like, mature old. Like I should have my shit together by now but I don't. I mean, don't you think it's kind of pathetic that I'm a 26-year-old single blogger who sucks dick to pay her cable bill?
Q: Of course I think that's pathetic. That is pathetic. Everything you do is pathetic. That's why I read this blog.
A: Well, at least I have that. I guess.
Q: So what are you doing for your birthday?
A: Hopefully my granddaughter will take me to Stein Mart and I can get a new pair of slacks.
Q: Is she driving already??
A: Can you believe it? She also just got the lead in her school play.
Q: You don't say! What production is it?
A: Damn Yankees!
Q: Ohhhhh, so she's Lola? How fun!
A: No, actually she's The Devil.
Q: Isn't that a boy's part?
A: Well she's aggressive for her age.
Q: Do you think people will know that that last joke was a page from your real life?
A: Uh, I hope so. I was proud of that performance. Besides, Lola's overrated and if The Devil was good enough for Jerry Lewis, it's good enough for me.
Q: Yes, who needs the role of a sexy temptress when you can be Jerry Lewis for a night in a tweed suit and a pair of children's Spanx.
A: Look, I could have done Lola. I could done the hell out of Lola. But Monica Stein was a year older than me and had drama camp seniority, so she got to be Lola and I got the next lead which was The Devil. Besides, The Devil is a heavily nuanced character and requires the comedic timing and improv skills of someone like myself.
Q: Oh, really?? Well tell you what, why don't I just get on the horn with SNL and let them know that there's a soon-to-be published comedy writer who did a mean nuanced gender-neutral Devil at drama camp when she was 13, so they should probably get on that before "The Daily Show" snags her first.
A: I don't think that's the worst idea you've ever had.
Q: Oh, didn't you have some hippie announcement to make?
A: Yes! Freshman Roommate Rachel, who is one of my favorite human beings on the planet (and gave me a mood ring last night, so you know she's legit), needs your help. Rachel volunteers as a volunteer coordinator (META!) for Hands on DC. Hands on DC is an all volunteer non-profit that beautifies shitty, run-down DC schools so kids are motivated to actually go to school and get an education. (My words, not theirs.) HODC is holding their 17th annual Work-a-Thon
Q: Rachel is such a good person.
A: Oh my God, I know.
Q: It seems kind of odd that she likes you so much...
A: Alright, alright. Any more questions?
Q: Uh....none that I can think of. Oh! What do you want for your birthday?
Q: Electrolysis? That's...oddly specific. And...odd. Didn't your mom get you that Bliss at-home strip-free waxing kit from The Q a couple weeks ago?
Q: Did you try it?
Q: How'd it go?
A: HORRIBLY. It was so horribly horrible. I wrote an entire post about it but realized as I re-read it at 4 o'clock in the morning that people probably don't give a shit about my personal waxing debacle.
Q: What went so wrong?
A: Oh, God. It's such a long story.
Q: Well, give us the long and short of it.
A: I tried to multi-task and read the waxing directions, eat a club sandwich, and watch a documentary about the Mothman that Netflix keeps recommending to me at the same time, and ended up missing the directions stressing the importance of using the Pre-Waxing Oil. It was a show. I couldn't get any of the wax off and it was all over my face and left arm pit, so I tried taking a gently-used Chipotle napkin, sticking it on the wax and ripping it off, but that obviously didn't work, so I still had hunks of blue wax stuck on me everywhere, just with bits of guac-soaked napkin in it and finally I had to take a bath and soak it off in hot water and scrub my face but I was too scared to close my eyes from watching the fucking Mothman documentary, so I got acne scrub in my eyes and that made me have to close my eyes even more and I almost had a panic attack and there's still blue wax all over my person and my bathroom.
Q: ..............I mean, what am I supposed to say to that?
A: I don't know.
Q: I think we should end this here.
A: Are you sure? I have some thoughts on Eminem/Dr. Dre's 1999 hit "Guilty Conscious" that I'd like to explore, if I could.
Q: Have a great weekend, everyone.