4.15.2011

I wanna FAQ you like an animal

Q: WELL, WELL, WELL...

A: I know.

Q: WELLITY, WELLITY, WELLITY...

A: I know.

Q: SIR WELLINGSTEIN, WELLINGSTEIN, WELLINGSTEIN...

A: That's bold of you to give a Jew a courtesy title.

Q: Oh-ho no you don't. You're not getting out of this one with a little lighthearted anti-Semitism. Where the hell have you been?

A: I've—

Q: NOPE. Don't care. Bigger fish to fry. First things first: is Larry Hagman alive?

A: Photobucket

As of 3:45am on April 15, 2011, Larry Hagman is...alive!

Q: Good, because if he was dead, you'd have a ten-gallon hat full of eco-friendly blood on your hands, madam.

A: I know.

Q: Now you you may explain yourself. Where have you been?

A: On hiatus.

Q: Well, thanks so much for letting us know!

A: I know. It's complicated. I was nervous to—

Q: Don't care. So why the hiatus? Abortion? Alien abduction? Mental breakdown? Each explanation is slightly more likely than the last.

A: No, Adams Media hired us to write another book.

Q: Wait, really?

A: Yeah!

Q: When's it due?

A: May 3rd.

Q: But aren't you still working on the first book?

A: Oooof, yes. Hence the hiatus.

Q: Well, again, you could have told us.

A: Yeah, but again, I was worried that—

Q: And again, I don't really care. So how's the second book coming?

A: ..................................................................................

Q: Oh, you simple country ham.

A: I have nothing but faith that it's going to be great when we're done, but getting there has been exponentially harder than last time. Like, if writing a book is like giving birth to a baby, we delivered the first one when we bent over to pick up a dinner mint and sneezed at the same time and it slid right out of us. This second book, however, has been hard labor and delivery. And we keep getting our room changed, and it's been 14 hours and we're only dilated to three, and the doctor wants to do a C-section but that wasn't part of our birth plan and we're really adamant about delivering it naturally and our husband is in the hall fighting with the doctor and we can hear everything and it's like, this isn't the environment we wanted to welcome our baby into the world in, you know? But I mean, either way we get a healthy baby in the end, so it's not a big deal.

Q: Bent over...and sneezed.

A: Right.

Q: And it "slid" right out of you.

A: Accurate.

Q: Well, I'm very sorry you have to work hard.

A: I'm not complaining, I'm just explaining.

Q: Oh yeah? Are you also straining? While doing some weight training? Careful, it looks like you're waning!

A: So you saw Happy Gilmore on ABC Family the other night too?

Q: ...Yes. Alright, so you're writing a second book and you'll be done in a few weeks, good for you.

A: Thank you.

Q: I still think you're just horrible.

A: Well, I thought you might.

Q: Just to keep you in your place, here's an alphabetized list of reasons why you and your blog suck:

A: Alienates readers

B: Blogs are lame

C: Complains too much

D: Depression isn't interesting

E: Embarrassing to our country when abroad

F: Font is irritatingly small

G: Grammatically retarded

H: Hard to get through

I: Inconvenient to my schedule

J: Just get a fucking job already

K: Keep trying to get sponsors, it looks like that's really working for you

L: Links don't open in a new window

M: Misuses idioms

N: Never posts anymore

O: Over (as in, this blog is)

P: PayPal button? Really?

Q: Queer Abby was good/horrible, why did you get rid of it?/I don't read humor blogs for advice

R: "Retarded" offends me

S: Self-involved

T: Trust Fund Kid

U: Ungrateful

V: Vocally supports CJ Fam

W: Wordy

X: XXX posts without the NSFW warning; thanks

Y: Because I hate you

Z: ZOOTECHNICS!

A: You kind of lost it at the end there, huh?

Q: Well, I couldn't think of anything else that started with a Z.

A: What about, "Zero talent"?

Q: 'Eh. It doesn't really pack the same punch as "Zootechnics", does it?

A: Yeah, but at least it's relevant.

Q: Look, are you aware that you suck?

A: Yes.

Q: Than my job is done here.

A: What does "Zootechnics" even mean?

Q: It's the art of managing domestic or captive animals.

A: Is it really?

Q: Swear to God.

A: Huh. Well. That's good to know.

Q: So will you go back to blogging regularly after you turn in the manuscript?

A: Of course.

Q: What about between now and then?

A: I'll try to be better about getting some stuff up, but you have to understand that Adams's got our balls in a vice (God bless them). (Adams Media, that is. Not our balls.) (Although bless them too.)

Q: Speaking of us, where's Tulane Chris in all of this?

A: He's finishing his last few weeks of grad school and has a part-time job and is writing the book with me.

Q: Is he going to come back after the manuscript is done?

A: Yes. After May 3rd, everything goes back to normal.

Q: I miss him. What's new with him?

A: WELL, he's really excited about writing the second book and texts me a lot to say as much. Which is awkward because my texts to him are primarily about how I keep waking up having panic attacks.

Q: God, you must be fun to work with.

A: Well, I also text him about my bowel movements.

Q: Speaking of working with you, I applied to be your intern and haven't heard back. What gives?

A: Yeah, we're getting back to people this weekend. I'm sorry about that.

Q: SPEAKING OF THIS WEEKEND, what's tomorrow little missy?!?!!??!!

A: Sigh. My birthday.

Q: And how old are you turning?

A: Sigh. 26.

Q: Why can't that be a good thing? Why does everything have to be so sad and hard and horrible for you, Meghan?

A: I don't know. 26 sounds so old. And not like "ahhh, my eggs have been in the back of the refrigerator for two months and now we can't make french toast!" old, but like, mature old. Like I should have my shit together by now but I don't. I mean, don't you think it's kind of pathetic that I'm a 26-year-old single blogger who sucks dick to pay her cable bill?

Q: Of course I think that's pathetic. That is pathetic. Everything you do is pathetic. That's why I read this blog.

A: Well, at least I have that. I guess.

Q: So what are you doing for your birthday?

A: Hopefully my granddaughter will take me to Stein Mart and I can get a new pair of slacks.

Q: Is she driving already??

A: Can you believe it? She also just got the lead in her school play.

Q: You don't say! What production is it?

A: Damn Yankees!

Q: Ohhhhh, so she's Lola? How fun!

A: No, actually she's The Devil.

Q: Isn't that a boy's part?

A: Well she's aggressive for her age.

Q: Do you think people will know that that last joke was a page from your real life?

A: Uh, I hope so. I was proud of that performance. Besides, Lola's overrated and if The Devil was good enough for Jerry Lewis, it's good enough for me.

Q: Yes, who needs the role of a sexy temptress when you can be Jerry Lewis for a night in a tweed suit and a pair of children's Spanx.

A: Look, I could have done Lola. I could done the hell out of Lola. But Monica Stein was a year older than me and had drama camp seniority, so she got to be Lola and I got the next lead which was The Devil. Besides, The Devil is a heavily nuanced character and requires the comedic timing and improv skills of someone like myself.

Q: Oh, really?? Well tell you what, why don't I just get on the horn with SNL and let them know that there's a soon-to-be published comedy writer who did a mean nuanced gender-neutral Devil at drama camp when she was 13, so they should probably get on that before "The Daily Show" snags her first.

A: I don't think that's the worst idea you've ever had.

Q: Oh, didn't you have some hippie announcement to make?

A: Yes! Freshman Roommate Rachel, who is one of my favorite human beings on the planet (and gave me a mood ring last night, so you know she's legit), needs your help. Rachel volunteers as a volunteer coordinator (META!) for Hands on DC. Hands on DC is an all volunteer non-profit that beautifies shitty, run-down DC schools so kids are motivated to actually go to school and get an education. (My words, not theirs.) HODC is holding their 17th annual Work-a-Thon Sunday Saturday April 30th, and they're in desperate need of volunteers and general donations. If you're looking for some good karma this Spring, you can join an existing team, register your own team, or make a general contribution on their website. For more information you can go to Hands on DC's website, Facebook page, or email me and I'll get you in touch with Rachel. I wish I could make a 2b1b team, but Chris and I will be hopped up on Adderall and meth at my parent's house trying to finish the manuscript on April 30th, and there's just no two ways about it. But just because I'm a horrible human being doesn't mean you have to be! Empower DC's youth! Make love not war! Kumbaya and such and such!

Q: Rachel is such a good person.

A: Oh my God, I know.

Q: It seems kind of odd that she likes you so much...

A: Alright, alright. Any more questions?

Q: Uh....none that I can think of. Oh! What do you want for your birthday?

A: Electrolysis.

Q: Electrolysis? That's...oddly specific. And...odd. Didn't your mom get you that Bliss at-home strip-free waxing kit from The Q a couple weeks ago?

A: Yes.

Q: Did you try it?

A: Yes.

Q: How'd it go?

A: HORRIBLY. It was so horribly horrible. I wrote an entire post about it but realized as I re-read it at 4 o'clock in the morning that people probably don't give a shit about my personal waxing debacle.

Q: What went so wrong?

A: Oh, God. It's such a long story.

Q: Well, give us the long and short of it.

A: I tried to multi-task and read the waxing directions, eat a club sandwich, and watch a documentary about the Mothman that Netflix keeps recommending to me at the same time, and ended up missing the directions stressing the importance of using the Pre-Waxing Oil. It was a show. I couldn't get any of the wax off and it was all over my face and left arm pit, so I tried taking a gently-used Chipotle napkin, sticking it on the wax and ripping it off, but that obviously didn't work, so I still had hunks of blue wax stuck on me everywhere, just with bits of guac-soaked napkin in it and finally I had to take a bath and soak it off in hot water and scrub my face but I was too scared to close my eyes from watching the fucking Mothman documentary, so I got acne scrub in my eyes and that made me have to close my eyes even more and I almost had a panic attack and there's still blue wax all over my person and my bathroom.

Q: ..............I mean, what am I supposed to say to that?

A: I don't know.

Q: I think we should end this here.

A: Are you sure? I have some thoughts on Eminem/Dr. Dre's 1999 hit "Guilty Conscious" that I'd like to explore, if I could.

Q: Have a great weekend, everyone.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

This just made me laugh till I cried! Which was greatly needed since I've been in the library for 36 hours writing a thesis. Congratulations on your second book! You can do it! Just breathe. And Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

congrats on the second book, and happy birthday!

as a present/relaxation-tool, i give you the world's greatest dance routine. watch and i guarantee you will not be disappointed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btV6M2xDe38

Rayanne Graff said...

Congratulations on book 2!

Happy birthday!

Also, you're turning 26 and have TWO books to your name. Who needs fresh ovaries?

Sam said...

Congrats on the 2nd book and happy birthday.

If you need a stress reliever/laugh during the book writing, I present Notes From Chris (not Tulane Chris).

http://web.mac.com/lambtodd/iWeb/todd%20lamb%20/Todd%20Lamb%20Notes%20From%20Chris.html

I really want to start posting these around DC.

Anonymous said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! 26 sucks, let me tell you. i'm halfway through 26 and this is by far the most depressing/anxiety ridden year ever. BUT yay for the new book!!!

also, the waxing story alone was totally worth the wait.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on a second book! When will we hear what this one is about?

Also, I realize your great friend works there, but I couldn't help but notice that the nonprofit to help children and schools in DC was called Hands On. Which I get - Hands on learning, etc. But also it's generally good advice to keep hands OFF kids.

Especially now that you're 26. Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

Even though I was sad about the no posts...at least you have a sense of humor about all the shit you get for it! And that makes me significantly less annoyed about the no posts (that you acknowledge some people were a bit irritated). <3 the blog (still) and congrats on the new book deal!

raquel said...

oh god i laughed so hard at the home waxing story - you guys are always worth the wait between posts!

Anonymous said...

happy birthday! you should go rock out at the black finn saloon tomorrow night to celebrate at their 80's prom party

BF said...

Thank GOD you're back!!!!!!!!!!!! and happy bday.

Anonymous said...

Glad you're back. Hate to beat a dead horse with this correction but April 30th is Saturday, not Sunday. Love you, mean it!

John said...

Happy birthday!

I just turned 37 so don't feel old. I will feel old for both of us.

And congrats on book #2! Hopefully they won't both suck :)

Anonymous said...

happy birthday! Loved the post! :)

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday! Great post, laughed a ton. Congrats on second book! And I WILL be watching the Mothman documentary, stat.

d.g. said...

Happy Birthday! And you know what? Maybe you guys don't post every day (because you're busy having a LIFE, OH MY GOD, HOW DARE YOU) but when you do, it's always a great read! Congrats on Book #2, and try not to feel too old. I would LOVE to be in my 20s again, but alas, I have to make due with 33 and be satisfied that I'm not 40 yet at least!

CourtneyP said...

Congrats on the second book and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (wow, I am so original).

But I'm dreading turning 26 this October because I feel like 25 is a "safe age". 25 doesn't quite teeter over into "late 20s", but sits rather nicely at "mid 20s". I can live with "mid 20s". But I still kinda want to die because I went to the bars with my 21 year-old brother-in-law and the entire night him and his fiance' kept commenting on how old I was.

Then she turned 22 a few days later and tweeted, "Wow. I'm 22. I feel SO OLD." I almost tweeted her back and said, "BITE ME", but then she'd think I was just grouchy because I am SO DAMN OLD and marvel at the fact that I can navigate this newfangled "world wide web".

J said...

And this is why I love you!

Meg C said...

I'm 26 too and it does suck. You're officially old enough so that college aged people think you are over the hill.

Anonymous said...

'T-trust fund baby'- i dont think anyone thinks youre that rich.

Casey said...

What's the new book about???
And happy birthday!

Mike K said...

26 was probably the second worst year of my life, I was unemployed for about 75% of it...so yay Happy Birthday!

Congrats on book 2, does this mean you won't be marrying me for my health care anymore? :(

Rachel said...

Dont listen to them, co. 26 was the best year for me!!!

Anonymous said...

You're very lucky to be doing what you like, I wish I knew what I wanted to do so I could go out and do it with the same wit that you do your job. Have a great birthday and celebrate your success and the amazing ability you have to bring smiles on your readers with every post you write.

Anonymous said...

2b1b investigates: A date with Mike K! PLZZZ

Maeve said...

2 books published by 26?
Makes my 27, unpublished self feel very old and unaccomplished.
Congrats Meg and happy birthday!

Reagan said...

Hope you have an amazing birthday! I saw that both of your books are available for pre-order on Amazon.com so I ordered them. We've missed you!

Trish said...

Dude.

You are turning 26. You are writing your SECOND book.

No one ever has all their shit together.

At least you will have 2 books.

Anonymous said...

At least 1 of you has a job. I can see how TC is to busy to post...

Anonymous said...

Whooooooo hooooooo! I guess I should pre-order, then! And anon 3:17 I hope you stub your big toe. Or die. We do need less bitchy people in this world!

Yay Meggles! Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday! and Congrats to both you and TC on the second book. Your waxing story is hilarious, you might find this video funny but it is best after the 4:30 mark! enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyLic9ObVpo

HokiESQ said...

FUCK YES, SECOND BOOK!!!!! You guys are going to bankrupt me with all of the pre-ordering I need to do. I hope you make crazy money off of this!!

The wax story was so worth the wait. I was laughing so hard I was crying, and my parents couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and I didn't want to explain it.

Also, it could be worse... you could be a 20-something lawyer with $100k in debt who lives with her parents and has to come up with appropriate wording to explain why she's crying about a joke involving wax and a guac-soaked chipotle napkin.

Sabri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sabri said...

How can I stay mad??
That shit was brilliant, and not just because of the two margaritas I had with dinner.
Happy Birthday- if it's any consolation I'm turning trenta next Friday (saying your age in Spanish after dos margaritas makes it sound sexy).
Congrats on book Dos! Sorr bout the bitching....

Laylapalooza said...

Congrats on the book deal!!

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday!

Congrats on 2nd book!

I have felt RULL neglected but love you all the same, i wish i could quit you!

Anonymous said...

I missed you so much! Glad you are alive!

passenyeah said...

Meg, you're great. You guys have 2 books already and you didn't even have to go to St. John's (in Annapolis)

Brittan said...

Congrats on the second book, Meg!

Happy birthday! I'm headed toward 26 (in two months), myself, and I am no more together than you PLUS I am finishing grad school with six figures of student loan debt and no job prospects. SO. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

I'd love to hear your thoughts on guilty conscience...

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday! After reading through all of 2010's posts, I think I love you in what is hopefully interpreted to be a non-creepy way. I hope your book does well - you deserve it!

Liv said...

Hey Meg,

It's officially May 4th. I need some entertainment to save me from my boring job. Please write.

Kisses and Vodka!

Anonymous said...

Ik moet toegeven dat ik het volkomen met u eens ben. ! Goede blog! Wilt u uw haar te veranderen, mijn weblog te testen, eventueel vindt u een aantal concepten, met name halflang haar soorten voor dun haar:)

karl simpsons said...

Fast unsecured loans for bad credit over 12 months are absolutely free from any kind of credit check. In general, all those who had been hesitant to apply for a bad credit loan scheme.

quick 1000 pound loan
best weekend payday loans

Moore Anderson said...

A lot many people want to apply for 50 pound payday loans but they refrain from doing so. The reasons can be many. Of the various reasons one can be that the lenders do not want to advance a loan amount. For further information about loans please visit us:-
http://www.1000poundstillpaydayuk.co.uk/50-pound-payday-loans-over-3-months.html

Blogger said...

GIRLS DEEPTHROATING Tube

 
Clicky Web Analytics