I received the following email yesterday regarding last week's rant on The Tinge, vibrator slash razor:
Hi Meg,
I just wanted to take this opportunity to introduce myself…My name is Matt Roberts, I invented the Tinge Razor.
A friend of mine forward me your blog write-up unfavorably reviewing our product.
If you actually reviewed or read up on the Tinge Razor you would know that we thought of all the issues you raise in your write-up.
A couple things I would like to point out…
1: You cannot use the razor and toy feature together, it is one or the other.
2: While in vibrating mode it is virtually impossible to cut yourself as the safety cap cannot come in-voluntarily.
3: If this still makes you uncomfortable you can easily remove the razor blade all together
All of these things are pointed out in our new marketing video to be on our site shortly. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJqPC3D7KzA
Hope this helps…It’s unfortunate that you chose to take your frustrations and difficulties with your own invention out on us.
I for one would be happy to learn more about your idea…Feel free to forward me a business plan.
Regards,
Matt
Regards,
Matt A. Roberts
President/ CEO Illusions International, Inc
Alright smart ass. You're pissed; I get it. But there is absolutely no need to drag my broken Slammock dreams into the fight! That's just below the belt, Matthew. Something tells me that when your first grade class was going around the room saying what you wanted to be when you grow up, little Matty didn't say "inventor of the scariest vibrator known to man!" So, back off.
That being said, I do appreciate this email. When I propose questions on the blog like, "what the fuck was this person thinking when he invented this," I'm not just hypothetically asking the cosmos. I want an answer. For example, if the Snuggie people were to email me and say, "Look, me and my buddy were high as cats playing X-Box and I put my robe on backwards so I could fully grasp the controller but keep my arms warm," I'd probably hate the Snuggie 67% less than I do today. So, I'm not trying to be snide when I say thank you Matt. Thank you for taking the time to explain The Tinge to me.
However, I still can't get behind it. Let's go point-by-point, shall we?
1: You cannot use the razor and toy feature together, it is one or the other.
Well, I should fucking hope not! I thought that was a given. But while I know that I'm not going to be putting a vibrating razor blade on my clit, I'm still horribly, horribly uncomfortable with the razor blade/clitoris proximity. It just shouldn't be. I fully understand what you're trying to achieve here Matt, and it's a good idea—disguise your vibrator as something innocuous so your kids don't find it and get scarred for life. Mozel tov! I just have a problem with what you have chosen to disguise the vibrator as. Better ideas to me are the following:
Lipstick
Nail Polish
Or a Sponge
These manage to be common household objects, while still being comfortable enough to stimulate my hoo-hah. Because on the most basic and human level, a razor blade is just not appetizing. I'm sorry. Take discreet smoking devices, for exmple. My sister has a smoking device that's made to look like a cigarette that's helped me out in many a public situation. But you know what probably wouldn't have been as effective? A bong disguised as a shot gun that you smoke by sucking through the barrel and pulling the trigger. While clever and well-disguised, it still looks like I'm about to blow my fucking brains out, Matt. See the difference?
2: While in vibrating mode it is virtually impossible to cut yourself as the safety cap cannot come in-voluntarily.
As my friend Andrew pointed out, I'd feel a whole better had you said "While in vibrating mode, it is fucking impossible to cut yourself."
3: If this still makes you uncomfortable you can easily remove the razor blade all together
Well if I did that I'd just be left with a razor and a vibrator. Which I already have. The whole novelty of your product lies in you combining the two for me. Why would I wear my robe backwards when I can buy a Snuggie, which comes backwards?
The first smart ass email I sent back to Matt was fueled by my anger about the Slammock jab:
Hey Matt,
It's a comedy blog.
Best of luck,
Meg
But then I remembered that my vibrator recently broke and it's a recession. So, I added 2 and 2 and sent this:
Wait, Matt! Before you get even more pissed at me, what if you send me a Tinge and I write about my experience with it? HEAR ME OUT! It's a win/win situation. You win because if your calculations are correct, I'll love it and write about it; and I'll win because my vibrator recently broke and I've been to lazy to get a new one.
Thoughts?
- M
Sadly, I never got a response.
Look Mateo...I don't want to fight with you. Your goal is to bring pleasure into this world, and I respect the hell out of that! I think the real enemy here is Daily Candy for writing a snarky litte review of your product with the shiteous (albeit hilarious) title "Cut a Rug" and releasing it on April Fool's Day so nobody thinks your product is real. And yet, you put their review on the front page of your website and write me a nasty email? Come on, Matt! I'm two seconds away from adding you to the official 2b1b Boycott List.
But that doesn't have to happen. I can be your best friend, or I can be your enemy. The choice is yours and yours alone.
So I challenge you Matt. I challenge you to let me try and review your product. Put your money where your mouth is.
Or rather, put your razor where my clit is, as it were.
You know where to find me.
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