Queer Abby & Matters of the Heart

So I went ahead and made the executive decision to permanently move our weekly advice column, Queer Abby, from Fridays to Mondays. I'm pretty excited about it because I very rarely get to make executive decisions that don't involve the fat content of my milk or whether or not to put pants on. So I'm relishing this moment. *Relish.*

In case you just moved here from Michigan because your dad got transferred and you don't quite know what's up or where to sit at lunch, Queer Abby is our weekly advice column where you write in your life questions and DC's foremost lesbian-about-town, Amy, gives you honest, hard-hitting advice. And then I throw in my two sense which is usually unhelpful, but moderately interesting. Got a question? Shoot an email to QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com!

Dear Queer Abby,

I am a gay lady in my early 20s and I've recently moved to a new city and entered the outside of college dating scene. I've been casually dating this girl for a few months and she's wonderful. We always have a ton of fun when we hang out—she's really laid back, she has a great sense of humor, she's hot. The only problem is that we are pretty much occupy opposite poles in terms of political affiliation. We are both socially liberal about some things—love the gays, love abortions, love drugs, love atheism—but who our age isn't? The problem is that she is extremely fiscally conservative. Sometimes the things she says make me think she grew up on a different planet. I don't want it to seem like I can't stand to be around someone with opinions different than my own, but when she told me she voted for McCain, I almost choked on my own spit. I mean, I think my Dad voted for McCain, but I didn't get to choose my Dad, you know? Plus, he's old. She's said some things that I perceive as kind of racist, and I think she might even be a Tea Party sympathizer (supremely dislikes Obama and I thinnnkkk might believe he is not a citizen). I try not to ask too many questions because it is so clear that we will disagree. Though, when we have discussed these things she is generally respectful of my side. On the whole, she is much more outspoken than I am about her problems with the government, public assistance, immigration, healthcare reform, blah blah blah. I feel nervous to let her meet any of my friends for fear that she will say something totally repulsive in front of them. If that day ever comes, should I ask her to watch herself? Is that totally out of line? And on a broader scale, can two people with such entirely different world views make a relationship work? I am feeling like things are becoming less casual, but should I just end it now? Sometimes it feels like I am dating a crazy TeaPartyingLibertarianBirther zealot. But, when we aren't talking politics we have such a good time. Did I mention that she's really hot? Most of my friends are wayyyy more liberal than I am, so they can't really comprehend speaking to a registered Republican (and fucking one? forget about it!). I am in need of your level-headed advice, please!

Thank you!

Liberal Lover

As for your first question, yes, it can be okay to ask people to censor themselves in certain situations for the sake of keeping the peace and respecting other people’s feelings… but that’s not what this is. What you’re describing sounds a lot less like, “Don’t mention cats in front of Kevin; his just got hit by a car” and a lot more like “I’m pretty sure you’re bat-shit crazy… but maybe if I don’t ask the right questions and you agree to pipe down around my friends, I can obscure and deny it until something changes.” Would you agree?

As for your bigger questions, lots of couples have differing political views and are just fine. The thing is it’s just not hugely important to them. Like they don’t see it as a defining aspect of themselves and others, and they probably rarely talk about it. However, LL, if the vast majority of your friends have a similar political bent to your own, then I think it’s safe to say that’s a fairly predominant part of who you are and what kind of people you’re attracted to—platonically or otherwise. Likewise, if she’s that outspoken and adamant about such strong/marginal/radical (read: racist and bigoted) perspectives, then you’re right, it speaks to her worldview and who she is on a deeper level. And yea, those don’t have to match up exactly, but it’s really difficult/impossible for two people who don’t share at least similar worldviews to have any sort of sustainable relationship.

But most importantly, LL, you don’t value and respect her opinions, which is totally fine (I personally don’t either) but that’s kind of a fundamental element of healthy relationships. I mean, you take the sex out of this and it sounds like you wouldn’t even want to be friends with her... So, I guess you could just let it play out for dating’s sake alone, but there are plenty of hot people out there and I think your time would be much better spent around people whose positions you don’t find repulsive.

Oh man. I have so many comments. First and foremost, looks like someone went to the Meghan McBlogger School of Em-Dashery, hmmm? @a_trout must be rolling in his grave this morning.

Second and secondmost, "Don't Mention Cats In Front of Kevin" is the name of my newest band. And I think we might be a Butthole Surfers Cover Band...?

Third and thirdmost, remember last week when someone casually dropped the word "niggles" into their question? I can honestly say that that's been the best part of my summer so far, hands down. And you know how depressing that sounds? Well that's exactly how depressing it is.

Now for my actual advice: you should ask Becca. She's in a similar boat. Except it's not sailing through a sea of ladies. (As far as I know...) Becca's fiance, Geoff, is a Republican from a military family. Becca's a Democrat and 99.9% of all McBlogger family dinner conversation revolves around the shared goal of hugging Tim Gunn or what Joan Rivers said that day on QVC. But despite their overwhelmingly different backgrounds and political affiliations, those two crazy kids made it work. What's their secret? I'm pretty sure they have a "Let's Never Talk About Politics Together. Ever." policy and although that may not be the most "mature" way to go about it; I kind of think it's the best way to go.

Relationships should have the same rules as bars: no discussing religion or politics and half-price apps from 5-7. But keep in mind that that's a two-way street. I think it's completely fair to ask your lady to avoid the klan talk for a night if you ask your friends to stop talking about running their Hybrids on 100% emissions-free liberal tears. There's always other stuff to talk about, right? I mean, have you seen the wedding episode of Bethenny Getting Married?

Dear Queer,

Alright, so around 3 years back I started dating this girl, and it went pretty well, then just got better after that. We had a bunch in common, we were fairly open even farther down the road, and it was all good. After around a year she moved to a town on the other side of the State, she started lying a lot and I lost trust in her, then she ended it the next year when I wasn't home, and left a note on my bed. Not even taking into consideration how immature that was, that's not the point.

Right after she ended things with me, she dated this other guy for a little more than half a year, then he got over-protective and it ended. That whole time after 4 months or so, we became friends, had a fight, made up, had a fight, you get it. After they broke up, we started talking a lot more, then around a month ago we actually started spending time together in person, which kind of prevented another fight. It seemed like she was anxious all the time, and it was pretty apparent that she liked me again, and there were definitely hints coming from her friends.

Then a couple weeks ago, we were hanging out with a few more friends and she sent a text to one of the people that were there, but that friend got up and left her phone, in this case right near me, and it read "I just really, really like him." This Friday, we spent time together the whole day and just flat out had a conversation, and it was just so natural and easy, and I thought I was starting to like her again. Ok, finally on to the question part.

Around a week ago, she went to this party in a neighboring town and that's all I heard, but I recently found from one of my friends overhearing a conversation between a guy that was there and a group of his friends, that she hooked up with him after he drove them to the beach around 2:30 in the morning. I know it's true, because I brought it up to her last night and she came clean and straight out told me.

Now, question (sorry...=/ ) why did she do that? Like, if she was set on liking me, and I know for SURE that she has no interest in her other relationship, why would she go and do that when she wanted to take things slow for BOTH of the relationships she had? Should I still go for her? Thanks, sorry it was so long =/.

- Random Life Conflict.

Because she doesn’t know what she wants, that’s why. That doesn’t make her a bad person or anything-- for every reason there is to avoid a relationship with someone, there are always other reasons why it would be great. But usually that’s an ‘it would be great if…’ and you cannot hang your hopes on ‘if’. All you have is what’s in front of you. And what you have in front of you is someone who has proven on more than one occasion that she’s not convinced enough about what she wants to commit to doing it right. I mean she might totally like you, but it’s really easy to not fuck something up if you KNOW it’s what you want, and she is sucking at this.

Don’t take it personally though; this is about her. All you can do is act accordingly based on what you need and what she’s demonstrated thus far, which is that she’s mainly focused on herself and gratifying her immediate needs. And again, that’s okay, but let’s call a spade a spade and recognize that you’ll be much better off dedicating your time and energy to someone who has their shit figured out and will show more regard for your feelings than it sounds like she has in the time you’ve known her.

I know this is going to sound cruel, but did you ever factor in that she might just be kind of a whore? I say this not to be an asshole and more-so to drive home the point that she probably does really like you, but liking you and being a whore aren't mutually exclusive. You really want to know why she hooked up with that guy that night? Because you weren't there, he was, she was wasted on Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers, the ocean air was whizzing up her denim mini-skirt and she thought to herself, "Hey! I bet if I give this guy a handie in the back of his Camry, I'll totally forget about those 15-pounds that I can't seem to lose!"

That is why she did that. So what you need to do is ask yourself if that's the kind of girl you want to stress over to the point of writing in to advice columns about it.

(Jesus, Meg...that felt kind of harsh. Here's a picture of Bartles & Jaymes to soften the blow.)

Dear Queer Abby,

OK, I'm going to come right out and say it: I'm in love with my gay best friend and have been ever since I met him. I'm also kind of in a dry spell at the moment, which only makes it worse. Unfortunately my college also is pretty much THE worst place to meet dateable guys imaginable... Suggestions on how to move on slash meet some guys who aren't completely sketch?

Diana the Dateless

Dear DD,

Before giving you advice on moving on, I’m inclined to ask if you’ve completely ruled out the possibility of having something with your bestie. I mean, maybe it’s worth telling him how you feel (or at least hooking up with him) if there may be a glimmer of hope… But, assuming you’ve considered and ruled out that option, then yea, the trick is just getting out there and meeting other guys. After you’ve been genuinely interested in a couple of other people, this should fade (and if it doesn’t, you’ll need to sack up and make a play for him, but that’s another column).

So, I’m not sure of your situation and location exactly, but here are some suggestions:

- Duh, Online- Try okcupid, match.com, gay.com, adam4adam, gaydar.co.uk (which lists some US cities as well) or outinamerica, which has sites for lots of cities so you could actually try outin.com. I was told it’s also possible to meet people for an actual date on the more sex-oriented sites like manhunt, etc., you just have to be clear up front about what you’re looking for.

- Bars- I’m not sure how old you are, but most gay bars in college towns (especially those relatively isolated from ‘gay hubs’) have at least one 18 and up night a week and probably draw people from neighboring cities as well.

- Volunteering- Check out community centers for gay youth or your schools GLBT resource center. Or, if you don’t have GLBT centers or orgs nearby, try HIV prevention programs or clinics, or look up the Mpowerment Project, which has safe sex outreach groups around the country. Along the same lines, you can also meet guys at fundraisers for any of the above.

- Performing Arts- I swear I’m not trying to be a dick, but you seriously might want to consider hanging out in or around the theater, choir, dance, marching band or cheerleading circles at your school.

...And in the off chance you’re actually a girl who emailed me from a guy friend’s email account for the sake of anonymity… uh, sorry for the useless advice and, trust me, you’re not ready for a relationship.

Wait, I'm confused. To clarify: you're a straight female who is in love with your gay male best friend, correct? Because if so:

DO NOT. BE. THAT. GIRL.

It's girls like you who give girls like me a bad name and it pisses me right off. When people hear that I have a lot of gay guy friends, here's what they automatically assume about me:

1.) I'm a virgin.

2.) I'm secretly in love with every single one of my gay male friends.

3.) I'm holding out for the day when one of them realizes that he's just going through a phase and he's actually in love with me, because I am such a good listener.

4.) I feel safe with my gay guy friends because at least they'll never reject me.

5.) I love going to gay clubs because I get to get dressed up and feel desired by a room full of men.

And now here's the truth:

1.) I know that given the contents of this blog it's kind of shocking, but I'm actually not a virgin.

2.) While I love my gay male friends dearly, I am not, nor have I ever been, in love with any of them. Why? Because they're all better looking than me and find my "bits" revolting. You do the math.

3.) Nobody is falling in love with me. Gay or straight. I've come to terms with that. And truthfully, I'm not a good listener. Have you read any of my other Queer Abby advice?

4.) Are you kidding me? I feel more rejected by my gay guy friends than I do anybody else. Andrew of the Great Juno Debate once refused to drink out of my beer bottle because he said it would be like making out with me and quote, "he'd never do that." Absolutely no part of hearing that felt safe or warm.

5.) I hate going to gay clubs! You know why? Because I exert all that energy blow drying my hair and nobody wants to have sex with me. It's like going into battle knowing that you're going to die because you're outnumbered, but at least you'll die with honor. Uh, fuck honor. There's a Man vs. Wild marathon on and it's a recession. I'll sit this battle out, a-thank you very much.

So stop falling in love with your gay best friend and get yourself on match.com already. I know it's nice to have an attractive man in your life who thinks you're the best, even when you're chugging Bisquick directly out of the bottle in your Jack Daniel's PJ's, but you can't substitute that for a real romantic relationship. You know why? Because he will never, ever, touch your genitals. Ever. Seriously think about that the next time you start imagining the two of you walking down that rainbow-colored aisle.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to knitting booties for me and Alex's future love child.

Hagman, BO and the politics of cybersex—it must be Friday!

Question: What do you get when you cross Jack Daniel's glazed short ribs with Major Anthony Nelson?

Answer: T.G.I. HAGMAN, bitches!



As of 4:21am on May 7th, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! And by "alive", I mean my best friend.

So at circa 1 o'clock this morning, I was in bed with a face mask on, eating slow-churned ice cream and watching an episode of Night Court on youtube because I'm questionably attracted to John Larroquette, when Alex called to regale me with his night's sexual conquests. Yep. Just two best friends having the exact opposite night. I thought while I had Alex on the phone, it wouldn't hurt to run this week's Queer Abby questions by him. Because, you know, a third opinion never hurt anyone.

Dear Queer Abby,

My friend has B.O., like bad. Like so bad that when I go out with him I have to wear extra cologne because I'm afraid his B.O. will rub off on me and people will think I have it. And I'm sure you're thinking, oh anonymous, everyone has a little B.O, you know like after you work out or after walking to work from the metro on hot days in DC, but no, not the case with this kid. He always has it, and IT is bad. So, how do you tell your friend he has body odor? Advice on telling a friend he has halitosis would be great too. Maybe advice on how to attract less smelly friends in general would be good?

–Anonymous 1

I really had to dig deep for this one—a lot of soul searching. Granted, it is a tough question, but in my mind there’s really only one obvious answer. So the fact that you still asked made me wonder: would guys do this differently? Are there other options I haven't considered? Is my tendency toward being way too honest for my own good coloring my judgment? So to be sure, I really tried to look at it from a lot of different angles. I even polled all sorts of people—boys, girls, queers, breeders, etc.—to, you know, explore some alternative solutions. As it happens, they pretty much echoed my sentiment that you are, in fact, being a pussy.

SO, the 12 year old boy in me wants to suggest that you pick up some deodorant for your buddy next time you run to the store to buy your maxi pads. However, the feminist in me is deeply ashamed of myself for saying that… and feels like you should counsel your friend on good hygiene in a friendly and non-confrontational manner—perhaps with a card or a crocheted pillow.

Collectively, we think you should split the difference and say something along the lines of “Listen, I’m not trying to be an asshole here. I really like you and I’m really glad we’re friends. But, as your friend, I want to let you know that you should consider bathing more, changing deodorants or investing in some cologne so I don’t always have to breathe through my mouth when we hang out.

OK, while it's generally my stance that whatever Amy says is the way to go, I'm just letting you know that if Alex ever sat me down and said, "I really like you and I'm really glad we're friends. But, as your friend, I want to let you know that you should consider bathing more, changing deodorants or investing in some perfume so I don't always have to breathe through my mouth when we hang out," I would do the following, in order:

a.) Burst into tears
b.) Punch him in the face
c.) Disinvite him from our upcoming Ireland trip
d.) Take a shower
e.) Wear enough deodorant to wax a medium-sized speed boat
f.) Never talk to him again

So, while points D and E are considered a win, points A, B, C and F might suck a little bit for both of you. Then again, I'm a hyper-sensitive pussy. (Ohhhhh, mercy!)

This really is a tough one. I don't know, can't dudes just be like, "DUDE YOU REEK, BRO" and nobody gets offended because emotions are for dames? Also, I have a question: is your friend a normal dude who has BO, or is this part of a lifestyle? The reason I ask is because I had a friend in college who was a vegan gutter-punk with notoriously god awful BO because he only showered once a month and as much as it sucked, we all kind of just had to accept it because it was his prerogative to believe that bathing is a waste of water and natural resources. I mean, I thought he was full of shit and wanted to set myself on fire when he asked if he could wear my coat one day when he was cold, yes, but his friendship was worth it. (And I never wore that coat again, too. Which sucked because it was a really nice Banana Republic trench coat, but I'm too lazy to get anything dry-cleaned. See! We all make interesting life choices! Because it's our prerogative.)

Now, if this isn't part of a bullshit lifestyle choice and he just honestly has bad hygiene, if it were me? I'd probably create a fake email address and send him an anonymous tip telling him that hygiene called and it wants to get back together. And then when he showed it to me all upset, I'd be like, "WHHHHAT?! What kind of a horrible person would do such a thing....?" But, again, I'm a total pussy and I've breathed through my mouth to sustain a friendship before.

Alex's advice: Have your friend banished to an island. Which given the fact that your friend also has halitosis, I don't think is a completely horrible idea.


______________

Queer Abby,

So here's the setup. My gf and I have been living together for a bit over a year now, and things were good for a while. Lately, there's been an issue that has me very concerned, and I'm hoping an outside perspective will help. Ready for a long story? Good.

Well, the problem is, a while back she worked late, and I got home from my job and took a nap on the couch, and accidentally (seriously!) hit a key on her laptop, parked on the floor next to the couch. The screen popped on to reveal a private chat room open, full of a two-month-long cyber-sex fantasy thing with another man. I'd seen his name come up on her cell phone a few times, but it was a 'friend from college'- some friend! The stuff was VERY graphic, kinky, and to be blunt all of the kind of stuff she's never even hinted at with me. And as I said, it had been going on for two months in that chat box, perhaps much longer.

I confronted her about it, and she said it was a one-time thing and she'd never do it again. But Pandora's Box is open, and I'm still very hurt by this, over two months later. I'm still wary of her 'late-night study sessions' for her classes, and the fact that she's put a password lock on her computer now doesn't exactly make me feel better. I'm not snooping, don't get me wrong, but it looks like she has something to hide still. And of course, if her phone chimes in with a message or call, she always takes it in another room before even reading a text message.

My question to you, now that this novel is closing: Should I be as upset as I am about the whole cyber-sex thing in the first place? Does it even count as cheating? She says no, I'm kind of leaning towards yes, but it's not like anything more than 'harmless' chat happened- that I know of, anyway. She's refused to discuss this any further with me, but it's still a big problem to me. And the fact that she's still acting funny about the calls and such has me very alarmed.

Thanks, hope you can help!

Well, Name Withheld, fortunately for you I get questions all the time from people with live-in girlfriends who are secretly having kinky, graphic cybersex with ‘a friend from college’ and then trying to manipulate their partner into thinking they don’t have a right to be upset, concerned or suspicious about it. So, I’m pretty sure if your gf happens to read this, she’ll never know this particular query is about her…

Seriously though, I’m really sorry. There is nothing good about this situation and I hate that I have to say everything that I’m about to say.

With respect to your questions: You don’t have to be upset about the cybersex, per se, be upset about the lying. Someone can get freaky online all day long if that’s what they’re into, but not while keeping it from their partner. And it doesn’t matter if you call it ‘cheating’ or not, she knows it wasn’t respectful of you or your relationship—otherwise she wouldn’t have felt the need to keep it from you.

As for the questions you didn’t ask (possibly because you didn’t want to hear the answers): Now, there is definitely more to this story than she has owned up to. Her behavior now is not consistent with someone who made 1 huge mistake and really wants to work on rebuilding the trust she abused. So unless you can objectively look back and say you have a history of being jealous or untrusting, you really need to go with your instincts on this one.

And by extension, I really think you need to leave. After keeping a pretty fucking intimate part of her daily life from you for AT LEAST two months, she’s still being super dodgy and refusing to acknowledge or respond to your completely legitimate feelings. No matter how you look at it, she’s being incredibly irreverent and self-centered. That’s not ‘A mistake’; it’s at very least a huge character flaw, and at worst pathological. Either way, you can’t fix her and you deserve better.

Oooo! Alex and I did not see eye-to-eye on this one! Way to spark some debate, my friend. I agree with Amy. Any way you look at it, this is bad news bears and I'd be dunzo for the following reasons:

1.) People who are happy with their partners don't feel the need to have freaky cybersex all day long like 13-year-old girls with acne who don't have a date to the dance. I mean, they just don't. So I wouldn't accept that "oh swells! This is just going to occasionally be part of our relationship! I'm in a kickball league and she sometimes internet 69's with Japanese businessmen in a Manga chat room! We all have our hobbies!" It's disrespectful and a symptom of a bigger problem.

2.) To me, the fact that she knows this guy is a total dealbreaker. Like, let's say she just gets off on having cybersex with random strangers, that wold be one thing. One completely unacceptable thing if it were me, yes, but it's different than having a fantasy sexual relationship with someone she knows. Because as my dear friend Jenny Lewis once told me, "the talking leads to touching, and the touching leads to sex, and then there is no mystery left. And baby, it's bad news." And I was like, "man J-Lew, that is a good point right there." And she was like, "I know, right? Do you want to try on pretty dresses and braid each other's hair?" And I was like, "Um, does a bear shit in the woods?" And then we made out and went boot shopping. And it was the best day of my entire life. But the point is, all that built up sexual energy is just a slippery slope into And Then We Kind of Fooled Around Town, USA. Population: Him and her. And it's bad news, baby it's bad news.

3.) Alex thinks that if you didn't specifically establish that cybersex and/or sexting with someone else is a no-no in your relationship, it's fair game. I disagree with that wholeheartedly. If we're dating, I expect you to keep your dick in your pants when it's not in me—in life, online or otherwise. Sorr about the nag.

4.) Alex also thinks that if you get kinky with her in bed, she won't need to get it online. I disagree with that too. If you're not satisfied in bed, be a responsible adult, open your mouth and ask someone to choke you. Don't go online. Christ. Not to mention that it would be rewarding really bad behavior and setting a dangerous precedent for the future. Although it could be fun.

But yeah, I'd end it. Where there's smoke, there's usually fire. I'm sorry, buddy. You can come over and watch the emotional Christmas episode of Night Court guest-starring Michael J. Fox as a troubled juvenile delinquent who doesn't believe in Santa Claus if you want and we'll cry and hold each other. She just kind of seems like she sucks. UNLESS SHE REALLY DOES READ MY BLOG, in which case love ya girl!!!!!

______________

Queer Abby:

I have the job of my dreams (not to brag) but there is one flaw. VELCRO client. He comes to town weekly (though not necessary for business purposes) and is all over our staff like white on rice. He will literally corner you and talk forever, there's nothing you can do to get away from him, he will follow you and keep talking. I don't mind a chatty friend, but he crosses the line of polite business conversation, including, talking shit about his wife, talking about his annual physical, etc. It has gotten worse: he has started to bring presents. Sure, it started out small, but now there's a box of chocolate involved and I'm no longer annoyed, but CREEPED OUT. I don't take this lightly--I've given out joke-y hints and not-so-joke-y hints like "haha you know I'm happily married" "whoa--uhh awkward" etc but they keep coming. I don't want to 'tattle' to my boss that he's creeping me out because he hasn't done anything egregious, and last time I checked, creeping isn't illegal.

What should I do in the future?

Thanks,
Anonymous 2

It’s hard to advise on this without knowing more about your office culture, but generally speaking I would suggest trying one (or any combination of) the following: a. interference b. deception or c. dissuasion.

Interference: There’s an app for that! Seriously, if you have an iphone check out the application Fake Calls. It sends phantom calls to your phone on command for just such an occasion.

Deception: Make up bogus company policies about accepting gifts from clients and spending time with clients who aren’t there on business. Or tell him that you have a meeting…...or a raging case of herpes.

Dissuasion: Start using the same deodorant as Anonymous 1’s buddy. Better yet, maybe you guys could trade. Everybody wins!

Those are just examples, but I’m sure you get the concept. Also, if you see a co-worker get cornered by this guy, go interrupt and say you need them for something. Pay it forward, and will come back around.

Alex, after hearing this question:

"So, let me get this straight. She has her dream job—and must be nice—and the only down side is that people give her too many gifts?"

But don't worry, girl. I had your back. Because one time I was temping in this office the summer after freshman year and it was pretty much perfect, except that they paid for our wardrobes, but only if we got it from Bloomingdale's. It's like, could you have picked a more inconvenient store for me to get to? Not to mention the fact that the vending machines in the break room were free, which sucked because I was really trying to get rid of my quarter collection that summer. That and the commute was hellish, although every time I was stuck in traffic on 495, James Franco would pop in the car, turn on the ass warmers and go down on me. I guess that was kind of nice. But my point is, I totally get where you're coming from.

My advice to you, however, is to run. Run fast and run hard because Alex is en route to your office as I type to steal your job and shove a stapler up your ass. And hopefully grab some chocolate for me.


That's gonna do it for us here at 2b1b this week! If you have any questions you'd like us to answer (and "answer" obviously = convince you that your girlfriend is cheating on you and berate you if you—god forbid—complain about anything) shoot an email to QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com! Sometimes tough love is the best medicine and here at 2b1b, we have it in spades.

Thank you so much for reading, forwarding to your friends, joining our Facebook page, following us on Twitter, asking Queer Abby and just generally being you. Have yourself a merry little weekend and we'll see you back here bright and early Monday morning! L8R.

Thoughts Chris couldn't flesh out into full entries

- Ugh, relationships. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. They are the one thing in life that truly epitomizes the saying "The grass is always greener on the other side." When you're single, all you can think about is that you're single, and so you do everything you can to find that special someone, including shack up with a few people you're sure you've seen on America's Most Wanted but they can turn out to be really caring people if you gave them a chance, right?! Or you successfully find someone who will tolerate your crazy, and then three months down the road the honeymoon period wears off and you realize that you're dating the most heinous beast to have ever roamed the planet, and you fantastize about what it would be able to nail anyone with a pulse without that pesky little thing called guilt.

One thing I have found in my numerous years in training as a relationship expert, is that it is much easier to get into a relationship than it is to get out of one. Don't believe me? The jump from singledom to relationshiphood is easy. It usually involves some mood music and soft lighting, and is often horizontal. You've grown tired of banging every guy/girl with two eyes and a basic grasp of the English language and your perpetual fear of STIs is starting to ruin your life, so you put down the beer goggles and settle with the least offensive person who will have you. Easy enough.

Getting out of a relationship is a horse of a different color. And that color is shit brown. Because while the thought of being single may be appealing, the reality of being alone again is mortifying. In a relationship, you are Linus, and your significant other is your blanket. They go with you almost everywhere, they don't judge you when you suck your thumb, they are blue and made of cotton. (No? Not so much on that last one?) The thought of being without them makes you want to cower in the corner of Snoopy's doghouse for days on end. This is because it is alot easier to be miserable in a relationship when you're getting laid consistently than it is to be miserable being single and horny.

- Do reality TV show contestants/stars get paid? I imagine they must because it's work. But is there like a sliding scale of payment? For instance, do the Top Chef contestants get paid more than some drunk slut on Rock of Love, since the cheftestants are producing these world-class dishes from Spam, artichokes, and locally grown peat mos, whereas any given ho on Rock of Love is producing nothing more than saliva and various strains of the Herpes virus?

- If you follow me on Twitter, you know my thoughts about Halloween and New Years are about the same. A large amount of planning goes into it, a small amount of fun comes out of it. Do you think that the inverse would work, and if I just didn't plan at all for NYE, I'd have a friggin blast?

- Political correctness is the worst thing to have happened to us as a people and a nation. I think instead of making everyone be so damn June Cleaver all the time, we should make everyone learn how to take a fucking joke. Being a 'mo, I feel like I have my right to express this opinion, as I can tell the difference between gay bashing and innocent joking around. If a friend of mine calls me a "fag," I'm not going to call the ACLU and demand retribution. However, if some random stranger with a lead pipe does the same, then it's time to worry.

One group of my college friends was particularly great about this, in that we had a gay, a Jew, a Puerto Rican, and two Asians (like we're prizes in a cereal box. Collect all 4!). And we all made fun of each other equally, without anyone ever feeling hate crimed. Maybe I was spoiled, so that when I make an Asian joke, it's not out of any inherent racism, it's because I am just used to poking fun at my Asian friends. I just would expect anyone I offend to say "Well at least I'm not gay," in return. It's only fair.

- I worry about growing up. Not for any vain reasons like "Oh no, I don't want to lose my hair!" or "My ears are going to get so huge and gross!" or "I don't even want to know how much loose skin I'm going to have" but mainly because I fear I'm going to be that old man. Not the creepy lecherous old man who stares at you on the subway and licks his lips, but the old guy who says whatever bat shit crazy thing is on the tip of his tongue. I'm just not patient with strangers, especially ones who are inconveniencing me (duh). I'm already a hair's breadth away from yelling at a complete stranger for breathing too loudly, imagine what's going to happen when I completely lose that filter with old age. Scary things will happen.