Worst of Netflix: The Corndog Man

First of all: they did make a sequel to The Human Centipede, and it did get banned in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. I’m going to go to Norway next month, stock up on copies, and try to smuggle them in on a fishing boat. Meg will stick some in her brassiere and take the Channel ferry from France, and the ever-loyal Kevin Yang is going to fly helicopter sorties from the Isle of Man. Don’t worry, British readers. We’ll make sure you get all the butchery and coprophagia you can handle.

I’ve missed doing Worst of Netflix, but I’ve had a bear of a time finding the right movies to use for it. It’s a delicate balance: you have to find movies that aren’t very good, but that tried to be good, and are also eventful enough that you can actually write about them. I had high hopes for the homoerotic Japanese samurai drama Taboo, but most of the movie was aching glances and bland intrigue, all with the grainy color of a 1970s BBC drawing-room sitcom with a title like “Her Majesty’s Loyal Breeches.” The Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust knew it was terrible and loved it. You can’t really make fun of a movie in which a haunted dildo fights a haunted gingerbread man. Horror of the Blood Monsters was actually too bad to review, although God willing they’ll bring back MST3K and do that old dog up right. With commentary, it would be funny, but written it would just be “And then for some reason we’re looking at stock footage of baboons through a red filter…” over and over again. Jefftowne, a Troma documentary (yes) about an alcoholic with Down syndrome who sexually harasses women, was too depressing to review; ditto I Think We’re Alone Now, a documentary about two dangerously obsessive Tiffany fans. (I do, however, totally recommend that you watch I Think We’re Alone Now, especially the special features.)

Thank God for The Corndog Man
I have a special history with this movie. My freshman year of college, I spent a lot of time with “Sue,” a girl who ultimately had a The Da Vinci Code­-themed nervous breakdown in which she realized that she was a direct blood descendent of Jesus, despite being almost as much of an overbred WASP as I am, and needed to have a baby with her friend’s boyfriend, also a descendent of Jesus, in order to… something. She had a conversation with the color green, according to the hospital orderly. Anyway, before all this happened, Sue was good friends with The Prisons, a trio of guys from Maryland who had gone to jail their first night at college. This group of people was a lot of fun, and actually came up with the best idea for liquor marketing I’ve ever heard: “Russe face.” Crown Russe is a brand of plastic-bottle, college-cheap booze that makes Scotch, gin, and vodka. They insisted everyone who came around them take a shot of the Scotch, because “everyone has a Russe face!” Madison Avenue couldn’t have done better.

Another of their obsessions was The Corndog Man.

Sue: “Oh, God. Chris. Oh, God. It was awful. Ugh. There’s all this… ugh.”


Sue: “I’ll watch it with you, just not… yet. I need to heal. It’s very… much.”

Prison Joe: “Hey, Sue! I’M THE CORNDOG MAN!”

Sue: “Oh God.” (vomits in trash can.)

I finally saw it, and it was. Very. And now I’ve watched it again for you. I feel compelled to say that The Corndog Man isn’t objectively bad, really. It very much is what it is, like mayonnaise-based fruit salad or Star Wars. You’re either into it or not.

The first line of the movie is “I’ll sell a colored man a boat faster than a cat can lick its ass,” and you better believe I’m embroidering that on a sampler. We then cut to a “new guy in town montage,” in which a man in dingo boots rents a room, hooks up his phone, and unpacks a couple of photographs. His car has Florida tags that read C DOG MAN. He then calls Buford, the boat salesman of colored man/cat ass fame, to ask about buying a boat. Gradually, we become aware that ninety percent of the movie will be increasingly ominous phone calls between these two men.

Summarizing a phone conversation is about as boring as retelling a dream, so I’ll give you the high points. C DOG MAN calls Buford over, and over, and over again, harassing him to the point of lunacy. Buford lives on a houseboat with a long-haired white guinea pig and drinks a lot. He also has a black transsexual girlfriend about twenty-five years his junior who calls him “Daddy” and has the best line in the movie: Buford gets falling-down drunk and tries to piss against a wall, causing the girlfriend to shout “You are in front of a lady!” Alcoholism, star-crossed romance, whatever: just don’t let women see you urinate. Later, Buford and the girlfriend pull over by the side of the road to dance in the light of the car headlights; Buford projectile vomits, causing the girlfriend to fling up her hands in an oh-it’s-one-of-those-nights-God-damn-I’m-wasting-my-life gesture and walk off.

C DOG MAN continues. He tells everyone about the black girlfriend, sinks the houseboat, and one night when Buford is insensibly drunk paints him in blackface and sets his unconscious body in front of the store where he works. There’s also an odd little scene where C DOG MAN tricks Buford into smashing up a pink Cadillac with a hammer, and all the while calls Buford a dozen or more times a day.

I won’t go into details in case you want to watch it, but as you may have guessed, C DOG MAN is deliberately driving Buford mad in revenge for Something Terrible That Happened Long Ago. Ain’t that always the way in movies about the South? We don’t get good satellite reception, so we spend all our time doing Terrible Things so that we can entertain ourselves by waiting for them to come to light – and, of course, discovering Terrible Things other people did and bringing them to light.

Oh, and you never find out what the corndog thing is about. Either that or it’s too subtle for me.


wagthedad said...

Now I am on a quest. A quest for corn dog man. It sounds so. Very. Which is what you said. Why didn't I see that in college? Damn.

So where can I get this? Can you hook me up?

Anonymous said...

that's it? really? fail.

JamaLee said...

The folks that did MST3K are still making fun of movies; they are now called Riff Tracks. it is an audio commentary you buy for 3 or 4 bucks online. You then sync it up with the corresponding movie and voila!

I highly recommend Birdemic. It is by far the worst film I have ever seen.

Abo said...

I want a blog on CATFISH. That is all.

Anonymous said...

I'll be the asshole who finally says it. No one wants to hear from Tulane Chris. A blue font blog post is always a let down.

Andrea Mutsch said...

I would HIGHLY suggest Scarecrow as a worst of Netflix! My friends and I rented it in college thinking it would be legit scary, and 6 years later we still regularly quote it. Some of the best one liners ever!

Abo said...

Ummmm...TC blogs in purple...

Anonymous said...

Chris your posts have been so unbelievably awesome lately.

Anonymous said...

wow harsh! i like chris' blogging!

Claire said...

Oh Tulane Chris, how I love thee. I'm just so glad that someone else besides me has actually watched "Taboo" that I can barely contain myself. I saw it once, nearly ten years ago, and have spent a significant portion of the intervening years attempting to describe it to people with little to no success. In future I will simply refer all queries to this post.

HokiESQ said...

If I may make a suggestion for Worst of Netflix... three words: MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN. I actually don't know if its on Netflix, but it is on Comcast on-demand (free!!! sponsored by the Fear channel or some shit). If the name hasn't sold you, it stars Bradley Cooper. BOOM.

Anyway, its one of the worst movies ever made. So, you should totally watch it!!!

Anonymous said...

yep anonymous 11.00, you ARE an asshole. Tulane Chris does the BEST posts.

Leigh said...

gonna have to respectfully disagree with the comment that midnight meat train is one of the worst movies ever. it was MIND-BLOWINGLY AWESOME.

Anonymous said...

Meg, when are you going to start posting regularly again?? (nothing against TC though)

Anonymous said...

Chris, I'm a big fan, but this post is so bad it has to be a joke. Like men who drive Jettas or the Florida legal system.

Anonymous said...

I agree, but feel bad doing so. I am really sorry because I know he has feelings. Maybe it's just the Netflix posts I think are weak?

sarah said...

I love this movie!

Frankenhooker is another *GEM* worth tracking down.

Anonymous said...

WOrst of netflix is my favorite after thoughts I couldn't flesh out into full entries....soooo yeah. Keep it up TC

Lauren said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: http://www.netflix.com/Movie/The-Room/70114944

Claire said...

YES LAUREN YES YES OH GOD YES!!!! I want Chris to recap "The Room" like SO BAD.

Also Meghan with an H said...

Chris! Have you and Meg seen this!?


Jessica said...

May I suggest that you watch/review Chatterbox: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075830/

That's right..."A young woman who works in a beauty parlor discovers that her vagina can talk, which causes her no end of trouble."

This movie also has my all time favorite quote: "I saw, I conquered, I came."

Anonymous said...

...ugh I rename these "worst of tulane Chris" no more netflix reviews.

Meez said...

I just added this to my Netflix queue - I think I know what me and the out of town boyfriend will be doing on his next visit!

Marissa said...

I love this blog and have been reading it for over a year. It's funny you wrote about the Corndog man. Andrew Shea, the director, was a professor of mine in college. Still haven't seen it, but going to now.

Anonymous said...

I know you guys are busy and all, but maybe you can try to update 3 times a week? Or just let people know when you're going to be off?

Anonymous said...

I said it before and I'll say it again... Teeth! It's about a girl who has legit teeth in her vag. And damn does she use them. The OB/GYN scene is horrifying and I'm glad I got one under my belt before watching this, or else I'd never muster up the courage to go.

Anonymous said...

Try Lake Consequence.

Anonymous said...

uh..ya musta been drawnk when watchin' this movie ar not really watched it...the main character is Ace Barker...every line in the movie has a reference to something whether racial or homophobic..one liners are hilarious if you are open minded and have swept the political correctness of the 2000's out the window..

Anonymous said...

Terrible synopsis of a great movie. I discovered cd man in 2000 when I happened to be living in the south. Lucky for me it either wasn't well received in that area or Blockbuster didn't realize what a gem it was. In any event they had it priced at 1.99 so I figured I'd check it out. As anon above states you have to look past a lot to appreciate this movie, but if you can get past the obviously offensive aspects of the movie the characters are well defined. There is a simplicity that makes the movie a bit predictable but the writers obviously had good sense of humor anx irony which shows in the movie.

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