7.06.2011

Worst of Netflix: The Corndog Man

First of all: they did make a sequel to The Human Centipede, and it did get banned in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. I’m going to go to Norway next month, stock up on copies, and try to smuggle them in on a fishing boat. Meg will stick some in her brassiere and take the Channel ferry from France, and the ever-loyal Kevin Yang is going to fly helicopter sorties from the Isle of Man. Don’t worry, British readers. We’ll make sure you get all the butchery and coprophagia you can handle.

I’ve missed doing Worst of Netflix, but I’ve had a bear of a time finding the right movies to use for it. It’s a delicate balance: you have to find movies that aren’t very good, but that tried to be good, and are also eventful enough that you can actually write about them. I had high hopes for the homoerotic Japanese samurai drama Taboo, but most of the movie was aching glances and bland intrigue, all with the grainy color of a 1970s BBC drawing-room sitcom with a title like “Her Majesty’s Loyal Breeches.” The Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust knew it was terrible and loved it. You can’t really make fun of a movie in which a haunted dildo fights a haunted gingerbread man. Horror of the Blood Monsters was actually too bad to review, although God willing they’ll bring back MST3K and do that old dog up right. With commentary, it would be funny, but written it would just be “And then for some reason we’re looking at stock footage of baboons through a red filter…” over and over again. Jefftowne, a Troma documentary (yes) about an alcoholic with Down syndrome who sexually harasses women, was too depressing to review; ditto I Think We’re Alone Now, a documentary about two dangerously obsessive Tiffany fans. (I do, however, totally recommend that you watch I Think We’re Alone Now, especially the special features.)

Thank God for The Corndog Man
Photobucket
I have a special history with this movie. My freshman year of college, I spent a lot of time with “Sue,” a girl who ultimately had a The Da Vinci Code­-themed nervous breakdown in which she realized that she was a direct blood descendent of Jesus, despite being almost as much of an overbred WASP as I am, and needed to have a baby with her friend’s boyfriend, also a descendent of Jesus, in order to… something. She had a conversation with the color green, according to the hospital orderly. Anyway, before all this happened, Sue was good friends with The Prisons, a trio of guys from Maryland who had gone to jail their first night at college. This group of people was a lot of fun, and actually came up with the best idea for liquor marketing I’ve ever heard: “Russe face.” Crown Russe is a brand of plastic-bottle, college-cheap booze that makes Scotch, gin, and vodka. They insisted everyone who came around them take a shot of the Scotch, because “everyone has a Russe face!” Madison Avenue couldn’t have done better.

Another of their obsessions was The Corndog Man.

Sue: “Oh, God. Chris. Oh, God. It was awful. Ugh. There’s all this… ugh.”

Me: “I WANT TO SEE IT.”

Sue: “I’ll watch it with you, just not… yet. I need to heal. It’s very… much.”

Prison Joe: “Hey, Sue! I’M THE CORNDOG MAN!”

Sue: “Oh God.” (vomits in trash can.)

I finally saw it, and it was. Very. And now I’ve watched it again for you. I feel compelled to say that The Corndog Man isn’t objectively bad, really. It very much is what it is, like mayonnaise-based fruit salad or Star Wars. You’re either into it or not.

The first line of the movie is “I’ll sell a colored man a boat faster than a cat can lick its ass,” and you better believe I’m embroidering that on a sampler. We then cut to a “new guy in town montage,” in which a man in dingo boots rents a room, hooks up his phone, and unpacks a couple of photographs. His car has Florida tags that read C DOG MAN. He then calls Buford, the boat salesman of colored man/cat ass fame, to ask about buying a boat. Gradually, we become aware that ninety percent of the movie will be increasingly ominous phone calls between these two men.

Summarizing a phone conversation is about as boring as retelling a dream, so I’ll give you the high points. C DOG MAN calls Buford over, and over, and over again, harassing him to the point of lunacy. Buford lives on a houseboat with a long-haired white guinea pig and drinks a lot. He also has a black transsexual girlfriend about twenty-five years his junior who calls him “Daddy” and has the best line in the movie: Buford gets falling-down drunk and tries to piss against a wall, causing the girlfriend to shout “You are in front of a lady!” Alcoholism, star-crossed romance, whatever: just don’t let women see you urinate. Later, Buford and the girlfriend pull over by the side of the road to dance in the light of the car headlights; Buford projectile vomits, causing the girlfriend to fling up her hands in an oh-it’s-one-of-those-nights-God-damn-I’m-wasting-my-life gesture and walk off.

C DOG MAN continues. He tells everyone about the black girlfriend, sinks the houseboat, and one night when Buford is insensibly drunk paints him in blackface and sets his unconscious body in front of the store where he works. There’s also an odd little scene where C DOG MAN tricks Buford into smashing up a pink Cadillac with a hammer, and all the while calls Buford a dozen or more times a day.

I won’t go into details in case you want to watch it, but as you may have guessed, C DOG MAN is deliberately driving Buford mad in revenge for Something Terrible That Happened Long Ago. Ain’t that always the way in movies about the South? We don’t get good satellite reception, so we spend all our time doing Terrible Things so that we can entertain ourselves by waiting for them to come to light – and, of course, discovering Terrible Things other people did and bringing them to light.

Oh, and you never find out what the corndog thing is about. Either that or it’s too subtle for me.

46 comments:

wagthedad said...

Now I am on a quest. A quest for corn dog man. It sounds so. Very. Which is what you said. Why didn't I see that in college? Damn.

So where can I get this? Can you hook me up?

Anonymous said...

that's it? really? fail.

JamaLee said...

The folks that did MST3K are still making fun of movies; they are now called Riff Tracks. it is an audio commentary you buy for 3 or 4 bucks online. You then sync it up with the corresponding movie and voila!

I highly recommend Birdemic. It is by far the worst film I have ever seen.

Abo said...

I want a blog on CATFISH. That is all.

Anonymous said...

I'll be the asshole who finally says it. No one wants to hear from Tulane Chris. A blue font blog post is always a let down.

Andrea Mutsch said...

I would HIGHLY suggest Scarecrow as a worst of Netflix! My friends and I rented it in college thinking it would be legit scary, and 6 years later we still regularly quote it. Some of the best one liners ever!

Abo said...

Ummmm...TC blogs in purple...

Anonymous said...

Chris your posts have been so unbelievably awesome lately.

Anonymous said...

wow harsh! i like chris' blogging!

Santa Chiara said...

Oh Tulane Chris, how I love thee. I'm just so glad that someone else besides me has actually watched "Taboo" that I can barely contain myself. I saw it once, nearly ten years ago, and have spent a significant portion of the intervening years attempting to describe it to people with little to no success. In future I will simply refer all queries to this post.

HokiESQ said...

If I may make a suggestion for Worst of Netflix... three words: MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN. I actually don't know if its on Netflix, but it is on Comcast on-demand (free!!! sponsored by the Fear channel or some shit). If the name hasn't sold you, it stars Bradley Cooper. BOOM.

Anyway, its one of the worst movies ever made. So, you should totally watch it!!!

Anonymous said...

yep anonymous 11.00, you ARE an asshole. Tulane Chris does the BEST posts.

Leigh said...

gonna have to respectfully disagree with the comment that midnight meat train is one of the worst movies ever. it was MIND-BLOWINGLY AWESOME.

Anonymous said...

Meg, when are you going to start posting regularly again?? (nothing against TC though)

Anonymous said...

Chris, I'm a big fan, but this post is so bad it has to be a joke. Like men who drive Jettas or the Florida legal system.

Anonymous said...

I agree, but feel bad doing so. I am really sorry because I know he has feelings. Maybe it's just the Netflix posts I think are weak?

sarah said...

I love this movie!

Frankenhooker is another *GEM* worth tracking down.

Anonymous said...

WOrst of netflix is my favorite after thoughts I couldn't flesh out into full entries....soooo yeah. Keep it up TC

Lauren said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: http://www.netflix.com/Movie/The-Room/70114944

Santa Chiara said...

YES LAUREN YES YES OH GOD YES!!!! I want Chris to recap "The Room" like SO BAD.

Also Meghan with an H said...

Chris! Have you and Meg seen this!?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/09/dallas-reboot-heads-to-tnt_n_893817.html

Jessica said...

May I suggest that you watch/review Chatterbox: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075830/

That's right..."A young woman who works in a beauty parlor discovers that her vagina can talk, which causes her no end of trouble."

This movie also has my all time favorite quote: "I saw, I conquered, I came."

Anonymous said...

...ugh I rename these "worst of tulane Chris" no more netflix reviews.

Meez said...

I just added this to my Netflix queue - I think I know what me and the out of town boyfriend will be doing on his next visit!

Marissa said...

I love this blog and have been reading it for over a year. It's funny you wrote about the Corndog man. Andrew Shea, the director, was a professor of mine in college. Still haven't seen it, but going to now.

Anonymous said...

I know you guys are busy and all, but maybe you can try to update 3 times a week? Or just let people know when you're going to be off?

Anonymous said...

I said it before and I'll say it again... Teeth! It's about a girl who has legit teeth in her vag. And damn does she use them. The OB/GYN scene is horrifying and I'm glad I got one under my belt before watching this, or else I'd never muster up the courage to go.

Anonymous said...

Try Lake Consequence.

Anonymous said...

uh..ya musta been drawnk when watchin' this movie ar not really watched it...the main character is Ace Barker...every line in the movie has a reference to something whether racial or homophobic..one liners are hilarious if you are open minded and have swept the political correctness of the 2000's out the window..

Anonymous said...

Terrible synopsis of a great movie. I discovered cd man in 2000 when I happened to be living in the south. Lucky for me it either wasn't well received in that area or Blockbuster didn't realize what a gem it was. In any event they had it priced at 1.99 so I figured I'd check it out. As anon above states you have to look past a lot to appreciate this movie, but if you can get past the obviously offensive aspects of the movie the characters are well defined. There is a simplicity that makes the movie a bit predictable but the writers obviously had good sense of humor anx irony which shows in the movie.

karl simpsons said...

bad credit 12 month loans are absolutely free from any kind of credit check. In general, all those who had been hesitant to apply for a bad credit loan scheme.

instant £1000 loans
weekly payday loans

Moore Anderson said...

Taking a 1000 pound till payday is not a bad thing at all. Several people take it when they have cash shortage and they can't live without having money. For further information about loans please visit us:-
http://www.1000poundstillpaydayuk.co.uk/

karl simpsons said...

12 month loans direct lenders,Marcel open his vision sweet-shop a little over a year back. His amass is the solitary one of its kind within miles, and all and sundry goes to his shop when they need to please a sweet tooth. For further information about loans please visit us:-
http://www.12monthloansdirectlendersuk.co.uk/

Hua Cai said...

nike huarache, http://www.nike-airhuarache.co.uk/
coach outlet online, http://www.coachoutletonline-store.us.com/
louis vuitton handbags, http://www.louisvuittonhandbagsoutlet.co.uk/
prada outlet, http://www.pradaoutlet.us/
football shirts, http://www.cheapfootballshirt.org.uk/
air jordan 13, http://www.airjordan13s.com/
nfl jerseys wholesale, http://www.nfljerseys-wholesale.us.com/
the north face jackets, http://www.thenorthfacejacket.us.com/
true religion outlet, http://www.truereligionoutletstore.us.com/
montblanc pens, http://www.montblanc-pens.com.co/
jordan shoes, http://www.jordan-shoes.us.com/
michael kors outlet, http://michaelkors.outletonlinestores.us.com/
cheap nba jerseys, http://www.nbajerseys.net/
kobe 9, http://www.kobe9elite.us.com/
chanel outlet, http://www.chaneloutletstore.us.com/
michael kors outlet, http://www.michaelkorsoutletusa.net/
prada handbags, http://www.pradahandbagsoutlet.co.uk/
cheap nfl jerseys, http://www.cheap-nfljersey.us.com/
fitflop, http://www.fitflop.in.net/
ray ban sunglasses, http://www.raybansunglass.us.com/
air jordan 11, http://www.airjordan11.net/
jordan shoes, http://www.jordanshoes.us.com/
louis vuitton handbags, http://www.louisvuittonhandbags.org.uk/
yoga pants, http://www.yogapants.us.com/
louis vuitton handbags, http://www.louisvuittonhandbag.us/
2015918caihuali

mmjiaxin said...

converse shoes
swarovski crystal
cheap nfl jersey
true religion canada
coach handbags outlet
michael kors handbags clearance
moncler outlet store
abercrombie and fitch
cleveland cavaliers
ugg boots clearance,ugg australia,uggs on sale,ugg slippers,uggs boots,uggs outlet,ugg boots,ugg,uggs
karen millen uk
michael kors outlet online
abercrombie and fitch
ralph lauren outlet
true religion jeans outlet
michael kors outlet
lululemon pants
vans shoes
beats by dre
philadelphia eagles
mm1117

John said...

uggs on sale
kevin durant shoes 2015
uggs boots for men
cheap uggs
michael kors outlet
ugg sale
giuseppe zanotti
true religion outlet
uggs on sale
gucci outlet
toms outlet
cheap oakley sunglasses
ralph lauren outlet
michael kors outlet clearance
coach factory outlet online
cheap oakley sunglasses
coach outlet
ray-ban sunglasses
ugg boots
michael kors outlet clearance
ugg boots for women
michael kors bags
ralph lauren
ugg boots
tory burch shoes
coach outlet store online
hollister clothing store
louboutin femme
longchamp handbags
ralph lauren outlet
louis vuitton purses
official coach factory outlet
polo outlet
air force 1
louis vuitton purses
louis vuitton outlet stores
uggs boots for women
retro 11
2016113yuanyuan

Qing Cai said...

phone cases
christian louboutin outlet
hollister clothing store
nike tn pas cher
replica watches
ralph lauren outlet
coach outlet store
coach factory outlet
tiffany outlet
coach outlet store
polo ralph lauren
reebok trainers
iphone cases
hollister shirts
ray ban sunglasses
rolex watches outlet
coach handbags
nike air max 90
kate spade uk outlet
cheap oakley sunglasses
true religion jeans
lululemon uk
rolex outlet
michael kors uk
burberry outlet store
tiffany jewelry
true religion outlet
ralph lauren polo shirts
true religion uk outlet
discount oakley sunglasses
cai20160411

方松腾 said...

TEN0411
babyliss flat iron
mulberry handbags
longchamp handbags
mulberry handbags
michael kors uk
mulberry handbags
hollister uk
tiffany jewellery
oakley sunglasses uk
fitflops uk
fitflops shoes
ralph lauren outlet
ralph lauren pas cher
tiffany and co
oakley sunglasses wholesale
hollister shirts
tiffany outlet
hollister shirts
coach outlet store
mulberry sale
oakley sunglasses
oakley sunglasses wholesale
ray ban sunglasses
oakley sunglasses
hollister clothing
kate spade handbags
burberry outlet online
coach outlet online
true religion jeans
burberry outlet

نور القمر said...


شركة تنظيف بالمدينة المنورة
تعد المدينة المنورة من ارقى مناطق المملكة و تتميز بالطابع الدافئ والتواصل بين سكانها واجتماعهم في المناسبات المختلفه من هنا جاءت اهمية شركة تنظيف بالمدينة المنورة لتقديم خدمات التنظيف للبيوت والمنازل والفلل والقصور
ولاننا ندرك بان الفلل تحتاج الى عمالة مدربة على تنظيف الاماكن الواسعة فالاول لمهارة عمالها تعد افضل شركة تنظيف فلل بالمدينة المنورة تتميز بسرعة اداء عمالها في تقديم خدمة تنظيف فلل بالمدينة المنورة نتميز باننا افضل شركات تنظيف الفلل بالمدينة المنورة
وكثيرا ما تحتوى الفلل على عدة خزانات فلابد من الاستعانة بافضل شركة تنظيف خزانات بالمدينة المنورة فهى تستخدم افضل منظفات الخزانات والمطهرات نتميز باننا احسن شركة غسيل خزانات بالمدينة المنورة نغسل كافة انواع خزانات مياه الشرب بالمدينة
ولاننا افضل شركة تنظيف شقق بالمدينة المنورة نقدم افضل خدمة تنظيف شقق بالمدينة المنورة بالاعتماد على افضل منظفات الكنب والستائر بالبخار
_______________________________
ولارتفاع درجات الحرارة في المدينة تنتشر العديد من الحشرات وخاصة في موسم الصيف فلابد من الاستعانة بافضل شركة مكافحة حشرات بالمدينة المنورة تقوم بمكافحة كافة انواع الحشرات والآفات
وكثيرا ما يحتاج سكان المدينة المنورة الى شركة نقل اثاث لنقل الاثاث من المدينة المنورة الى اى مكان داخل او خارج المملكة من هنا جاءت اهمية شركة نقل اثاث بالمدينة المنورة تستخدم افضل سيارات نقل العفش المخصصة لهذا الغرض من هنا استحقت الاول افضل شركة نقل عفش بالمدينة المنورة

شركة نقل اثاث بينبع -
شركة تنظيف بينبع
____________________________________
كشف تسربات المياه بالمدينة المنورة

تعتبر تسربات المياه من احد المشكلات التى لابد ان نقوم بحلها على الفور لان تسربات المياه تؤدى الى عدد كبير من المشكلات نحن فى غنى عنها فالاول شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالمدينة المنورة تعتمد على افضل الاجهزه والالات المخصصه باعمال الكشف عن تسربات المياه فلا داعى للقلق من شان التسربات على الاطلاق فتذكر عزيزى العميل ان شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالمدينة المنورةعلى اتم استعداد للوصول الى اى مكان بالمدينة او خارج المدينة للقيام بالكشف عن تسربات المياه

نور القمر said...

شركة تنظيف مساجد بالرياض

شركة تخزين عفش بالرياض

تقوم كذلك بتقديم كافة التسهيلات وسيارات النقل لتحصل على افضل خدمة شراء اثاث مستعمل بالرياض
علما بان الشركة تستخدم افضل المنظفات والمطهرات والمعقمات التى تحقق اعلى نتائج التنظيف المطلوبة فى تنظيف منازل بالرياض
وتنظيف الفلل والشقق وكافة المؤسسات الاخرى
لتصبح شركة الاخلاص افضل شركة غسيل خزانات بالرياض بجانب خدمات التعقيم والتطهير المميزه التى تتم باستخدام افضل المواد المنظفه والمحاليل المطهره والتى تحقق اعلى نتائج خاصة بتنظيف خزانات المياه بالرياض

وتقوم ايضا بتنظيف كنب بالرياض فهى افضل شركة تنظيف كنب بالرياض وبالمملكة فابتصالك بنا تحصل على افضل شركة تنظيف
مع العلم ان شركة نقل عفش بالرياض تقدم خدمات نقل الاثاث الدولى خارج الممكلة بكل سهولة بالاعتماد على احدث سيارات الشحن الدولى والتى تتميز بالسرعه والامان عند نقل الاثاث

فشركة الاخلاص شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالرياض تسعى بكل جهدها للوصل لحل لهذه التسريبات والتقليل من فاتورة المياه الخاصه بك بعد حل مشكلة التسربات بالاعتماد على اقوى وافضل عماله متخصصه وخبرة فى استخدام هذه الاجهزة باحتراف
شركة رش مبيدات بالدمام

شركة مكافحة النمل الابيض بالرياض

شركة مكافحة صراصير بالرياض
ونقدم افضل خدمة جلى بلاط بالرياض فشركة البيت الافضل تشتهر بانها افضل شركة جلى بلاط بالرياض
تعمل على جلى جميع انواع البلاط والرخام

Mark Hein said...

I find it funny that a cool funny movie comes across and you thrash it. Please stay away from "funny games"

اﻻسمر ابوحمدى said...

شركة مكافحة حشرات بالمدينه المنوره

شركة مكافحة حشرات بالمدينه المنوره

شركة رش حشرات بالمدينة المنورة

شركة رش مبيدات بالمدينه المنوره

شركة مكافحة حشرات بالمدينة المنورة

شركة مكافحة فئران بالمدينة المنورة

شركة مكافحة الصراصير بالمدينة المنورة

شركة مكافحة النمل الابيض بالمدينة المنورة

شركة مكافحة البق بالمدينة المنورة


شركة مكافحة حشرات بالمدينة المنورة


شركة مكافحة حشرات بالمدينة المنورة  


شركة مكافحة حشرات بينبع  



شركة مكافحة فئران بالمدينة المنورة



شركة مكافحة حشرات بالمدينه المنوره


شركة رش حشرات بالمدينة المنورة



شركة مكافحة حشرات بينبع

Gege Dai said...

air max 90
uggs
michael kors handbags
louis vuitton borse
north face jackets
air max uk
dior sunglasses
nike blazer pas cher
nike roshe run
mulberry handbags
20170111lck

Unknown said...

nike roshe run
michael kors
jaguars jersey
abercrombie and fitch
cheap michael kors handbags
nike huarache
jimmy choo
nike outlet store
cheap jordan shoes
michael kors outlet store

龙大猫 said...

lacoste outlet
nike air max 2017
roshe run
michael kors factory outlet
yeezy boost 350 v2
lacoste polo shirts
brady jersey
adidas tubular
air max thea
adidas nmd runner

raybanoutlet001 said...

ugg outlet
reebok outlet
new orleans saints jerseys
ray ban sunglasses
ralph lauren
supra shoes
toms shoes
mlb jerseys
coach outlet
michael kors handbags

 
Clicky Web Analytics