First, some good news: it's everyone's favorite fictional weekly holiday—T.G.I. Hagman!
As of 4:30 on July 30, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! And installing a solar panel somewhere, I'm sure. (Lord love him.)
The bad news is that we got a Cease and Desist Order yesterday. From Dr. Reuben, of author of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Too Afraid to Ask, fame. Yeah. I know. It's like Christmas has come early. And speaking of Christmas, all I want this year is to make it six months without someone threatening to sue us. Because come on. I don't have anything worth suing over. I think I have a few bags of half-melted Hanukkah gelt and an impressive collection of Ken Paves clip-on hair...? But that's pretty much it. That is the extent of my fortune. And frankly, sir, you are more than welcome to it.
Here's what the Cease and Desist Order said:
CEASE AND DESIST ORDER
Dear madam,
You are using extensive material from a work the copyright of which is owned by Dr. David Reuben, M.D.
The name of the work involved is "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex." It appears on a site operated by you at: http://www.2birds1blog.com.
Dr. Reuben has reserved all rights to this work, which was first published in 1969 in the United States of America.
Your copying and or use of his work, which appear at the link above, is unauthorized. You neither ask for nor recieved permission the peice nor to make nor distribute copies of them in the manner you have.
Therefore, I believe you have willfully infringed Dr. Reuben's rights under 17 USC 101, et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as $100,000.000 or more, in the United States and any other country where this site is viewed. Further, I believe such copyright infringement is a direct violation of The Digital Millennium Copyright Act and International Copyright Law.
I demand that you immediately cease use and distribution from any material of the work and all copies of it, that you remove any further of Dr. Reuben's works you may have used and that you desist from this or any other infringement of Dr. Reuben's rights in the future.
Furthermore, I demand that you immediately post an apology on the site informing others that who might have been misled by your work.
This Cease and Desist Order applies to all versions of this site which may be available in any form in any language and in any jurisdiction or country whatsoever.
If I have not received proof of your compliance from you within five working days, I shall consider taking the full legal remedies available to rectify this situation.
Your truly,
D. Robert Hatouian
Not to be an asshole, but the most shocking thing about this entire situation isn't that Dr. Reuben sent us a Cease and Desist Order, it's that Dr. Reuben is alive. And alive enough to be offended. Crazy.
I'm tempted to tell the good doctor that he'll get his apology when my cold, dead body coke-douches it out, considering how 99.9% of the Twitter responses I got regarding this situation were along these lines:
TheBrittaTruth @2birds1blog STFU, really? He should thank you. I bought 2 of his books solely because of you.
But, between me, you and my lipstick case-filled urethra, I have $40 in my checking account, -$9.95 in savings and my lawyer's email address keeps bouncing back. Sooo, on behalf of my tooth-filled vagina, faggy co-writer and colored friends, I hereby decry that 2birds1blog will no longer feature Dr. Reuben's Q&A of the Day, and I, Meghan C. McBlogger, am sorry. Just in general. As a person. All-around. But specifically, we, as a blog and a Nation, are sorry for:
1.) Not understanding Dr. Rebuen's astute analysis of the homosexual mind.
2.) Mocking Dr. Reuben's whimsical attitude towards barrier methods.
3.) Diluting ourselves into believing that prostitutes can have feelings and orgasms.
4.) The disbelief we felt upon discovering that the clitoris falls off after over-use.
5.) The itching, the burning, the peeling, and the foamy discharge.
But mostly, we're sorry we didn't think of writing a book based on penthouse letters and klan literature first. Hats off to you, sir. Hats off to you.
- Sigh. It kind of feels like the end of an era, doesn't it? But not to worry! There's still good news to be had! Because today marks the return of RECRAP FRIDAYS! That's right, tonight was the season premier of the second season of "Jersey Shore" and you bet your Depp hair gel I was all over it. In fact, my "spotters" from last season—Laura and Andrew of the Great Juno Debate—came over to keep me company again, but not before we had a big Italian pot-luck dinner and popped a bottle of champagne at 10 o'clock to ring in the Guido New Year. They even got party favors to take home!
Yep. Those are Ed Hardy lighters I found at a Walgreens in Foggy Bottom. Because nothing's more badass than letting the entire world know you're a douchebag—via FIRE! (And speaking of Walgreens, this is from an article in this week's issue of US Weekly about celebrity mugshots:
How in love am I with Shia Labeouf? Because there, sandwiched between Nicole Richie's 2006 DUI and Matt Dillon's obscene 2008 reckless driving charge, is old Shia with a 2007 booking after he quote, "wouldn't leave a Walgreens." I hope one day I make it into the Celebrity Mugshot Hall of Fame when I refuse to lower my voice because the girl behind the deli counter didn't give me the full quarter-pound of virginia shaved ham I paid for. Because in this kind of economy, I will not be Jewed out of my deli meats, a-thank you very much...
The season 2 premiere of "Jersey Shore" was kind of...lackluster. But I totally get why. It was an establishing episode. It reminded us what happened last season and established this season's plot, so we can all move forward on the same page next week. It was this season's prologue, if you will. The entire episode can pretty much be nutshelled as:
WE KILLED IT IN JERSEY, BRO! -> It's cold as fuck in December on the East Coast -> Weather patters, weather patterns, weather patters, -> LET'S GO TO MIAMI! -> Questionably racist statements about Barack Obama -> Angelina's here?!!?!?!1 -> Ronnie and Sammi: Awkward. -> THE END.
But, for the sake of a good recap, I'll delve a little deeper.
SO! As previously mentioned, they totally killed it in Jersey, bro, so the "Jersey Shore" cast decides they should do it again, but this time in Miami. I get that. Helena, Alex, College Roommate Danielle and I went to Miami for Spring Break senior year, so we certainly know first hand how hard that city can party, AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT, YOU GUYS?! (Lies. We spent the entire vacation either at the beach or in our hotel room watching three back-to-back seasons of "Golden Girls" on DVD while playing a drinking game loosely based on Uno called, "What's Jiggling?" And I can concretely say without a hint of sarcasm or irony: Best. Spring. Break. Ever.)
A lot has changed since we last left America's favorite guidos: Ronnie and Sammi broke up; Angelina and Pauly D had a one-night stand; everyone suddenly uses each other's Christian names instead of their "Jersey Shore nicknames"; and Snooki is finally dating her "perfect gorilla juicehead." Unfortunately for her, not only am I your humble recapper, but 0Ooo00o0o0o0O0O...I'm also the ghost of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi's future! And in the future, Snooki's boyfriend will admit that he only dated her for run-off fame, dump her and team up with Spencer Pratt to produce a reality show of his own about Christ knows what. Sorry, dude. It happens to the best of us. My ex-boyfriend is currently penning a book called, "I Dated Meg McBlogger and all I Got Was This Lousy Coupon For Jalapeño Poppers: A Spencer Pratt Production." And I wish them both the best of luck.
But not everything has changed: Pauly D and The Situation are still BFF4Lyfe; as are Snooki and J-Woww. Both decide to road trip from Jersey to Miami, boy vs. girls style, and see which pair gets there first. So they lock their £20,000 wagers in a sturdy carpet bag, hop into their respective hot air balloons and by George, it's away they go!
COMMERCIAL BREAK! And man; you know you've made it when your usual Jovan Man Body Heat cologne commercials are replaced by the extended trailer for an upcoming Mark Whalberg/Will Ferrell movie...Welcome to the American Dream.
SURPRISE! Angelina is back this season! For those of you who don't remember Angelina (or Jolie, as absolutely no one calls her,) she was the gal from Season 1 who hauled her clothes around in trash bags and left after, oh, two episodes because she missed her boyfriend and didn't feel like working. So essentially she's That Girl who works two cubicles down from you in your office. Well, apparently Angelina's been talking to Pauly D and The Situation a lot and both mentioned they're going to Miami, so naturally that means they invited her in Angelina's Land of Extreme Ass-Backwardsery. A mystical land where booty shorts are worn with high-heeled sandals; garbage receptacles are luggage; and publicly saying things like, "I'm the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island" isn't mortifying. How does one get there? Second star on the right and straight on til a morning full of deep, deep regrets...
Despite thinking she was invited, everyone (including Pauly D and The Situation) (who, by the way, beat Snooki and J-Woww to Miami, after getting stuck in the mud for an hour and having a circle jerk around Pauly D's AAA Gold Card,) are pretty shocked to see her. The girls choose to deal with this by flat-out ignoring her while Pauly D and The Situation let her bunk with them because who knows—"maybe it'll be a slow night, raining out, got no chicks and who knows what will happen." Ah, yes: Roses are red, violets are blue/ We couldn't find any proper trim, so we settled on you. That's gotta make a girl feel special.
Angelina is in a real fried pickle here, you guys: she's in a house where everyone pretty much openly hates her and she's stuck there for the next three months or so, under contract. Angelina assures The Situation that she'll "do whatever it takes to be cool with these people." Which is funny, because that's exactly what I said the first day of middle school, and we all know two weeks into that I was wearing stirrup pants and spending my Saturday nights brushing my Beanie Baby collection with a mini Barbie comb. Likewise, things don't work out so well for old Angelina. Because apparently her version of "doing whatever it takes to be cool with these people" involves a lot of confrontation and swears. After nearly getting her ass kicked by J-Woww and the 2002 prom dress she rode in on, Angelina decides that she doesn't want to associate with the girls at all. So, you know, good thing she's on a reality show with them.
Now, this is normally where I'd make fun of the Everyone Loves Raymond style plot-line surrounding Ronnie and Sammie's relationship, but their Season 2 drama is actually pretty damn good so far. You see, despite breaking up, Sam is still in love with Ron, but doesn't know where Ron stands. Where does Ron stand? Oh, the same spot where Ben Affleck's character in 1994's "Lifestories: Families in Crisis" A Body to Die For: The Aaron Henry Story stood when he was all juiced up, yelling at his girlfriend, right before he killed her kitten. See, Ron is harboring just a liiiiiittle bit of resentment from the break-up. Just a wee bit. And one night he has a smidge of a break-down, calls Sam a cunt, goes into full-blown Creepy Mode and hooks up with everything in Miami, from the grenades (fat, ugly chicks) to the land-mines (skiny, ugly chicks) to the palm trees (any plant of the Palmae family) while Sam tosses and turns at home, wondering how she's ever going to live with her ex.
FIN!
(God that feels good to do again.) Have a great weekend and we'll see you right back here Monday morning! L8r!
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