12.22.2010

You Know What Ruffles My Feathers?: The Tiny Ginger-Bitch Edition

Ooof. Two YKWRMF? features in two weeks, huh? What isn't ruffling my feathers these days? (UH, ANSWER: my sexy, new two-man band with Helena—Joe Biden & The BFDs. Helena's on keyboard, I'm on bass and lead vocals. It's no big deal. Except that it is in every possible way and it's all that I'm living for right now. Although I don't know if "gigging" is going to be a realistic option for us. As far as I know Helena doesn't play the anything and while I've done some mean community musical theater in my day, the extent of my bass experience begins and ends with getting one for my 20th birthday (I was going through a heavy Doobie Brothers phase at the time and was really into, quote the many emails I sent my dad in April 2005, their "sick bass lines"), posing with it in the mirror, and attempting to play it once when I took a shower at the height of having mono, subsequently thought I was going to die, curled up on the floor, and just strummed it for a while until I felt alive enough to put some pants on. So if we do gig, it might involve partial nudity and a whole lot of "What a Fool Believes". And you know what? You're welcome.)

Remember last week when I said that there are two things I can talk about forever—spit in porn and the moral reprehensibility of TLC's 19 Kids and Counting? Well, I lied. There are three things I can talk about forever, and although this past weekend was all about helping my sister, I think I spent the majority of it talking about the third. I talked about it on the party bus to the rehearsal dinner, I talked about it at the rehearsal dinner, I talked about it in the salon getting ready with the bridal party, I talked about it at the actual wedding... But Lord knows Becca wasn't mad! You know why? Because she agrees with me! In fact, I have yet to meet a single person who doesn't agree with the following statement: You know what ruffles my feathers? The Food Network's Throwdown! with Bobby Flay.


Photobucket

I've never said that to someone and had them been like, "Oh, really? Bobby Flay seems like a really great guy and that show is just great." It's always, "Ugh, Bobby Flay is a douchebag and that show sucks." And you know what? Good! Because I think that just reflects what high-caliber people I surround myself with on a daily basis. Much like how my Thrillhouse tattoo is a litmus test of whether or not I'd like to continue having a conversation with you, your opinion of Throwdown! with Bobby Flay is indicative of whether you fucking suck or not. Because I don't care if you're Cillian Murphy's twin brother with a genetic disorder that makes your dick ejaculate candy corn and rent money; if you like Throwdown! with Bobby Flay, we're done here.

If you've never seen Throwdown! with Bobby Flay before, you are sincerely a better person for it. But for the sake of clarity, here's an excerpt from the show's Wikipedia page:


Throwdown! with Bobby Flay is a Food Network television program in which celebrity chef Bobby Flay challenges cooks renowned for a specific dish or type of cooking to a cook-off of their signature dish. At the beginning of each show, Flay receives – via bicycle messenger – a package detailing the chef he is to compete against as well as the dish. Examples of opponents include a skilled chili maker or a famous wedding cake designer. After practicing and preparing the item in question, Flay shows up for a surprise competition (or "Throwdown"). During the competition, both chefs prepare their particular version of the dish, and both are then evaluated by local judges to determine a winner.

Well, thank you, Wikipedia. That was very eloquent. But here's how Throwdown! with Bobby Flay really works: 


First and foremost, per my sister, the show should actually just be called: FUCK YOU, I'M BOBBY FLAY! And every week on FUCK YOU, I'M BOBBY FLAY!, Bobby Flay leaves New York to go to Small-Town America where he finds an old woman who, as the Nazis were dragging her out of her family's cottage in Soskut, managed to grab the stock-splattered recipe card for her grandmother's famous goulash in her young, trembling fingers and clutch it tightly to her breast for the remainder of the war, so someday it could be passed down to her children, and her children's children, and her children's children's children, to keep those simple country days around her grandmother's hearth alive. And once he finds her, Bobby Flay turns to the camera, lets out a sinister laugh, holds up a fake moustache to his cold, pale lip, and knocks on her door to inform her that she and her goulash recipe are going to be featured on a new Food Network show about Hungarian Family Cooking. Filled with excitement and pride, the old woman then tells everyone she meets from the pharmacist to the paperboy that she and her goulash—her world famous goulash!—are going to be on a show on the Food Network and that they must come over to watch the taping and have a bowl. A week later, it's the big day. As the old woman stands over the giant pot of boiling noodles, gently fingering the delicate gold filigree on the broach affixed to her freshly pressed blouse and thinking of her bubby, Bobby Flay bursts through the wall like a carrot-flavored Kool-Aid guy, shouts, "FUCK YOU, I'M BOBBY FLAY!" and repeatedly rapes her until her friends and family admit that his goulash is better than hers is, or will ever be, and she was a senile, old whore for thinking otherwise. And that is what Throwdown! with Bobby Flay is.

Sort of.

And aside from the blatant grandma-raping and disrespect for Holocaust survivors, it irritates me on the following levels:

1.) Every single time I watch this show, I find myself wondering the same thing—how small is your penis, Bobby Flay? How small is your penis that you feel the need to be on a television show where you travel around the country, reminding chefs who don't have 10 restaurants, nine books, seven TV shows, and a weekly Sirius XM radio show that you're better than them? How small are we talking here? Less than three inches? I mean, does it function at all? Because judging from the mom and pop chefs you force into competing with you, my guess is not.

2.) I find the level of trickery involved in this show to be insulting and cruel. Per Wikipedia:


Each show includes a mini-biography about the chef who is to be challenged, shown before the challenge takes place. The content for the biography is actually collected as part of an elaborate ruse or setup, where the chef or cook is told that they are going to be featured on a fictitious Food Network show. As part of the show, the featured chef (and their associated restaurant, if any) hosts a small party, which is then unexpectedly "crashed" by Bobby Flay. Upon Flay's arrival, he reveals the true nature of the show, and the "Throwdown" is initiated.

I just don't understand what's stopping him from calling ahead of time and being like, "Hi, I'm Bobby Flay. I heard you make a mean lasagna—let's do a Throwdown."? Why does there have to be an element of surprise? I mean, these are people's signature dishes made from recipes passed down from generation to generation; it's not like they're going to perfect or change it in the week leading up to the Throwdown. Thus, I have two theories on why Bobby needs it:

a.) Because if they were aware ahead of time that they'll be going head-to-head with Bobby Flay in a cooking challenge, the show would just be Iron Chef America, which already exists and already sucks. Plus, the chefs Flay goes head-to-head with on Throwdown! are nowhere near as accomplished as those on Iron Chef America, so basically Bobby Flay tricks small-town successful chefs into being on Iron Chef vs. Homely Chef: Bobby's Gonna Sleep Gooooood Tonight, which is cruel and brings us directly back to point number one.

b.) He gets off on how starstruck everyone gets when he crashes the party. And I hate it. It's the worst part of the entire show. The small-town chef is hard at work making his specialty and you can tell he's shitting himself because he's pretended so many times in the kitchen that he was on his own Food Network show and now he really is and everyone is so proud of him, and all of a sudden Bobby Flay walks in all, "Heard someone was making fettuccine! Ha ha, yes, yes, it's me, Bobby Flay. Very exciting, I know. But seriously, let's all just calm down." Just once I want Bobby Flay to walk in and have the other chef be like, "Are you serious? I have to cook with that asshole?" Like, if Chelsea Handler were to kick in my front door right now and be like, "Meg, I'm a better female comedy writer than you are," I don't think I'd get all teary-eyed and profusely thank her for coming. I'd be like, "Hi, I'm not wearing any pants and your obsession with little people genuinely weirds me out. Please leave." I mean, seeing famous people is cool and all, but so is not being the grown man who got the shakes upon being in the same room as Bobby Flay.

3.) Bobby Flay's professional advantages are laughably unfair:


In the Food Network's test kitchen, Flay and his two sous-chefs (Stephanie Banyas and Miriam Garron) experiment and prepare the particular dish, often opting for a variant of the dish. The format of the show does not edit or disguise Flay's lack of knowledge of technique regarding cooking for the challenge. He often makes use of New York City-area experts to teach him basic techniques.

Seriously? His "lack of knowledge of technique regarding cooking for the challenge"? He's a fucking Iron Chef; shouldn't he be able to handle cooking a bundt cake without needing to raise Julia Child from the dead and slowly feed her Giada De Laurentiis' brains until she gives up her ace-in-the-hole recipes?

4.) He's a total asshole to both of his assistants and you can tell they totally want to jump his bones. They do that girl thing where they pretend to get all pissy and put a hand on one of their hips and say, "BOB-BAYYYY" while trying not to smile and squirt on the camera. I get that chefs are kind of assholes in general and I'm not not saying that I've had a fantasy where Gordon Ramsay puts a bag over my head and hits it from behind while calling me his little piggy, but seriously ladies? Bobby Flay? This may sound antifeminist, but my sugartits really belong in the kitchen it's sexy when a guy's an asshole to you because he's powerful and confident, not because he's worried that if he got into a culinary dick-measuring contest with your grandma, he'd come up three inches short.

5.) He just adds Chipotle flavoring to everything. I mean, for fuck's sake.

6.) There are eight seasons of this horseshit! EIGHT! Which means we live in a world where Clone High got cancelled after one season to make room for Punk'd; Arrested Development got cancelled after three; Undeclared after one; and Party Down after two, but we, as a people and a Nation, agreed that we needed EIGHT seasons of FUCK YOU, I'M BOBBY FLAY?? Fuck George W. Bush; we should be embarrassed when we go abroad because of that.

7.) His daughter and I share an April 16th birthday, which just makes me wish I had been aborted.

8.) I swear to God, there's an episode of Throwdown! that starts with The Flay sitting around one of his restaurants, nonchalantly autographing a giant pile of his BBQ books, sipping wine, and listening to jaunty jazz music for a solid ten seconds before he's finally interrupted by the bike messenger with that week's challenge. And I was just about to say, "what kind of an asshole has the balls to insert that disgusting a level of self-promotion in an already impressively egotistical show," but...you know, Bobby Flay.

But do you know the part that really kills me? He'll always win. Maybe not on the show, but in the Throwdown of Life that is Meg McBlogger vs. Bobby Flay, Flay wins every time. Because despite the fact that I think this show is an epic shit-stain on the underwear of Humanity, I watch it every single time it's on. I can't know that it's on and not watch it. And it doesn't make any sense, I know! If I hate it this much, I just should not watch it! BUT I CAN'T! I PHYSICALLY CAN'T!

And that's when I realized that I'm Throwdown! with Bobby Flay's Mike. If you're active in the 2birds1blog comments, you know that Mike is our resident reader who vocally hates us, yet insists on not only coming back to read us every single day, but be an active member of the 2b1b community. And up until now, I never got Mike. I always thought, "Nobody's strapping you down in a seat, putting hooks in your eyes and forcing you to read our free blog, A Clockwork Orange style, Mike. If we piss you off that much, just stop reading." BUT I GET IT NOW:

Meg McBlogger is to Throwdown! with Bobby Flay

as

Mike is to Meg McBlogger

Which of course begs the question: what does Mike think of Throwdown! with Bobby Flay?

Logic dictates that he should like it, and yet, for some reason, I'm dubious. For the first time ever, I look forward to your comments, sir.

(Attn: Helena:

)

155 comments:

Duffy said...

great post! ^^!

Anonymous said...

I'm waiting with bated breath for Mike's answer. WILL THIS BE A SURPRISE ENDING OR NOT?

S said...

Bobby Flay bursts through the wall like a carrot-flavored Kool-Aid guy, shouts, "FUCK YOU, I'M BOBBY FLAY!"


OH YEAH

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I'm waiting with bated breath for Mike's answer. WILL THIS BE A SURPRISE ENDING OR NOT?

He fucking better not be on vacation...

Chase said...

haha! love it. I personally watch Throwdown more than I should but I love it when he loses.

Stephanie G said...

Thank god you posted something about Bobby Flay. I hate his guts, Meg. He's such a pompous jerk but Throwdown! is like crack - I can't stop watching.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA OHMYGOD Meg i freaking love that you called Mike the douche out in a post. can't wait for what he says.


what if he's really just a jaded ex of yours secretly obsessed with everything that you do?? VERY possible.

bailey said...

"He just adds Chipotle flavoring to everything. I mean, for fuck's sake."

UGH. I hate both Bobbay AND chipotle-flavored anything. This post made me laugh but also got me pissed that Booby Flay even exists.

Kelly said...

This is up there in my list of favorite posts, and I've legit never watched the show (cooking shows make me hungry, I can't watch them or I'll be 250 pounds by next week. Although, my favorite show as a child was not NOT Yan Can Cook.)

So good. COME ON OUT, MIKE.

Rayanne Graff said...

Meg, I love you more than words can say. I've never heard of this Bobby Flay, nor his Throwdown, but you've painted the most joyous word picture.

Also, it's my favourite when you call out commenters. WILL MIKE WIN THIS THROWDOWN?

BK said...

OMG this is wonderful. I've always asserted that Bobby Flay is, in fact, Voldemort. I mean, look at his face! I am so glad someone has finally articulated the exact reasons I cannot stand him.

Caitlin said...

I feel the exact same way about this show, and I always thought I was alone!

He's such a pompous prick, and everything he does on Food Network is related to competition. Who gives a shit about him?

Give me Iron Chef Batali any day.

Anonymous said...

this is a great fucking post.

Katie said...

Meg, I love you so so much right now. I HATE Throwdown! Massivly. I try to explain my hatred, but I get too upset. Thank you for doing it for me. Though, I'm very thankful I CAN not watch it. I'm sorry you can't. Hopefully you'll be able to turn away one day.

Anonymous said...

omg epic post meggles. can't wait to see Mike's response, bet he's feeling the pressure now...

Anonymous said...

I feel compelled to mention that Bobby Flay is married to hot DA Alex from SVU...

Amanda said...

I used to feel so massively bad for the people getting tricked into thinking there was going to be a show about them... until somebody pointed out to me that they still ARE getting a show about them and their cooking. So now I feel less guilty for watching the show and can just enjoy the douchiness that is B. Flay

Though I can't entirely hate him because he's married to Stephanie March, aka Alex Cabot, aka the best ADA in Law and Order history... Imjustsaying...

Anonymous said...

"He's a fucking Iron Chef; shouldn't he be able to handle cooking a bundt cake without needing to raise Julia Child from the dead and slowly feed her Giada De Laurentiis' brains until she gives up her ace-in-the-hole recipes?"

AMAZING. That's what I've always thought but didn't know how to phrase it as eloquently as you Meg.

Anonymous said...

Taken from Bobby Flay's Wikipedia Page:
At age 8, Flay asked for an Easy-Bake Oven for Christmas, against his father's objections, who thought a G.I. Joe would be more gender-appropriate. He ended up getting them both.

Of course he got both. Of course he did. Bobby Flay learned at a young age that he must win everything.

Jenn said...

OMG I totally agree, Meg! My sister loves Bobby Flay and will DVR his show and I hate watching it because if the underdog doesn't win I get so heated. And when he makes a simple recipe like spaghetti and meatballs and turns it all fancy and pretentious I get even more pissed.

...but I also always watch when she puts it on. Fail.

Anonymous said...

to meg and TC - i feel like our likes, dislikes, passions and sexual interests are typically one in the same. so today is truly a sad day. i feel like im on the outside looking in. throwdown! is my crack and i love it and i don't care.

i hope this doesn't come between us.

Blake said...

A guy in my fraternity at AU, 2-3 years younger than me was actually on this so-called show. I can't remember who won. It is a steaming pile of crap but the few times I've watched it, Bobby Flay has always lost so at least that is satisfying.

Anonymous said...

ugh Meg! I love you and I love Chelsea Handler! Is there room for the both of you in my world? I don't know. But I'm going to MAKE room because I THINK THE EXACT SAME THING ABOUT BOBBY FLAY. I knew he pissed me off for more reasons that I could possibly articulate, so thank you for doing that for me.

Ginny said...

Bobby Flay ruffles MY feathers too! My favorite (because I also can't not watch) episode was when he tried to compete with a PROFESSIONAL WEDDING CAKE DESIGNER. He was all, "Oh, I'll just get some tips from a friend and work on a recipe for a day or two and I TOTALLY got this."

In the end he just covered his easy bake oven cake with flowers and a dash of chili powder, but its always so satisfying to see him lose. Douche.

Jessie said...

So weird I was just of LAST NIGHT watching Chopped (which also has its share of dicks on it) and a promo with Mr. Flay came on. I turned to my roommate and said you know Bobby Flay just seems like he would be an asshole" Since you just agreed with me I'm going to go from thinking it to knowing it for a fact.

Such an appropriate post.

Sam @ SSB said...

Kind of makes you wonder if Bobby Flay (ps- douchiest name ever) and "Mike" are cut from the same cloth. Or I suppose, cut from the same rack of ribs since Bobby Flay fancies himself a grill master. Can't wait to see this asshat Mike's response. Loved the post bee tee dubs.

Anonymous said...

MIKE, MIKE, MIKE, MIKE, MIKE, MIKE....

Martha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Courtney said...

Meg, THANK YOU. This was brilliant. Bobby Flay is such an asshole. I watch Throwdown and pray for him to lose, his face is so friggin smug when he doesn't win....jackass. So glad the 2b1b community agrees!

Martha said...

RE: He just adds Chipotle flavoring to everything. I mean, for fuck's sake.

Yes! And he consistently pronounces it incorrectly (Chi po ta lee!) which makes me want to bash in my TV screen.

Elizabeth said...

I keep coming back every 10 minutes to see if "Mike," aka "douchbag," has posted yet.

#bestuseofmytime. #ever.

Patrick said...

If you're ever in the Richmond, VA area, you should go to Buzz and Ned's Barbecue. The owner was on Throwdown a few years ago and beat him. He plays the episode on loop inside the restaurant and sells "The Flay Slayer" t-shirts.

It's also the most delicious barbecue ever.

Nicole said...

If Meg finds ass holes attractive b/c they are powerful and confident, does that mean she finds Mike attractive?? Hmmm...

And as for Bobby Flay... 100% right, Meg. I am ashamed to call myself a future-Chef b/c of shows like that. I promise not all Chefs are like that (...except most are totally like that.) We just like to cook!

Anonymous said...

Elizabeth: so do i! i'm sure my bosses really appreciate it haha
still no comment from mike though! i bet he's carefully crafting a response as we speak, the pressure is really on him to develop an exceptional comeback

Kenton said...

Bobby is a d-bag: Blog post about the show from a judge when he did it in DC and lost!:
http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2008/03/throwdownup-wit.html

Kenton said...

also part two of the blog

http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2008/07/throwdownup-rev.html

"Mike" said...

Let me just start by saying how honored I am. I’m surprised my comments had such a profound effect on everyone that an entire post now ultimately centers on me.

That being said, “hate” is such a strong word. Who ever said I hate this blog? I don’t think I’ve ever really levied any personal attacks towards Meg or Chris. I’ve never written an open letter saying how I’ve become sick of 2b1b, and announced to everyone else how I would be “leaving this blog.” And I’ve never bitched and moaned about No Post Days.

All I’ve ever done is leave snarky/sarcastic comments that only I have probably ever found funny. Are they sometimes critical? Yeah, probably. But as bloggers you should encourage constructive criticism. You should THRIVE off it.

Being critical isn’t even the main reason for these comments, though. The bottom line is that I am often bored in my line of work. And there’s only so many times I can go jerk off in the bathroom before it becomes borderline inappropriate. So one way I entertain myself is by leaving these comments on this blog (This is far from the only place I comment on the internet on a daily basis, by the way, but it is probably the only place where I wouldn’t normally fit in.). You see, all these little anonymous commenters become so IRATE. The responses can often be pretty hilarious, and that helps get me through my day.

Now, commence the ensuing shitstorm. Let’s go people, PILE ON. Just be sure to do it in an orderly fashion, I don’t want any of you guys or gals to get trampled in your collective haste.

And please, keep Meg out of it. She talks a big game, but she has low self esteem.

Anonymous said...

Meg is the winner of this episode of Throwdown!

I'm a little disappointed, Mikey.

Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura said...

Dude Mike, Meg's post was about Bobby Flay and she made a joke about you at the end. She doesn't have low self esteem, she has a sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

I refreshed for that? Poor showing.

Timothy said...

haha this was one of your best posts ever Meg.

Still, here is the problem I have with your post this week. I have never seen this show. Ever. This creates a profound problem for me because I want to trust you, implicitly, and at the same time I cannot base my opinions of a show I have not seen on something someone else has said.

I feel like this is an important topic for me to have a well constructed argument for, but if this show is as bad as you say then do I REALLY want to watch it and get that mad at a television show (this, the reason I stopped watching 90% of television in the first pace and started focusing on other activities like finding a way to make enough money in life to purchase and shut down the Fox network and any other show on television with 'reality' in the script summary).

So, visit a friend with cable and watch FUCK YOU, I'M BOBBY FLAY! and possibly agree that it is the worst thing on television or just base a solid opinion on something written by an anonymous comedy blogger on the Internet (which goes against my principles).

I am going to be uncertainly dwelling about this all through Christmas break. Thank you for ruining my holidays.

Other Laura said...

Meh, that wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be. Though I guess this means I can go back to my life and stop dogging the comments.

BF said...

So do you like the show or not, Mike?

kt said...

maybe mike should start a blog called '2hands1dick' where he posts links to all of his wish-i-were-as-funny-as-meg-but-i'm-not-so-i'll-just-go-masturbate-in-the-bathroom-at-work comments

Andrea said...

I always hated the show because of the total financial advantage Flay has.

Case in point, one episode he was challenging a street vendor who works alone in a street cart selling Italian Beefs for like $5. Flay comes in (with his 2 sous-chefs) and makes this Italian beef with truffles and some exotic onion and Colby beef that probably costs like $20 a piece just to make. Obviously a street vendor trying to put out like 100 of these for $5 in a couple hour lunch break can't compete with that. Now if Flay could do it with the same resources as the challengee, I'd like that a lot better...

Meghan said...

Hilarious post yet again! Bobby flay is a huge douche and it saddens me to learn from other comments that he is married to my fav L&O ADA.

But more importantly did I detect a slight line in there about the hotness that is Cillian?! From one Meghan to another I wholeheartedly approve in your choice in manpieces!

Angie said...

I've only watched one episode of Throwdown and Bobby got beat so badly he just kind of awkwardly shuffled off camera.

I'm also eternally grateful since he introduced me to the cookie mecca that is Levain's Bakery. I'm a girl from a small midwestern town who has dreams of going to NYC and eating these delicious looking cookies: http://www.levainbakery.com/

So you know, thanks and all for the intro, but Bobby Flay, you're still a dick.

Courtney said...

I have no idea who Bobby Flay is, but now I feel like I need to seek him out to witness for myself how much of a douche bag he is.

I always thought Gordon Ramsey was a jerk. But he's a jerk in a way that's kind of appealing, like in a tough-love, I-want-good-chefs-to-generally-succeed, my-verbal-abuse-is-kind-of-sexy-if-you-have-daddy-issues kind of way ...

Anonymous said...

seriously mike? i refreshed the page continuously for that lame-ass comeback? i expected something with a little more pizazz from you, not a stupid self-esteem joke that fell flat. for shame!

meg you are the undisputed winner of this and any and all future throwdowns! loves you

Anonymous said...

I ran across your Twitter feed and just read your blog for the first time.

Amazing.

I have been bitching about this show forever! Its AWFUL.

How is this a good premise?? A professionally trained chef goes to a town to show up a revered local chef. Also, lets throw in he is armed with their recipe so he can judge his meal by theirs.

Umm, thats CHEATING.

Also, if he wins - he looks like a dick. He loses - he looks like a terrible chef... ummm... how is this a good idea?

Ah, thank you thank you for this entry!!

Jennifer said...

Let me just say

NICOLE at 11:42 am is
SO MIKE PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!1

No one on this blog would call "Mike" "confident and powerful." or suggest Meg finds him attractive.

Furthermore, "Mike" commented a mere 33 minutes later...the obvious amount of time it took him to craft his long-winded and douchey answer, which I have not had the pain of reading yet....

MIKE....you, sir, are definitely Bobby Flay's nephew!

Jennifer said...

P.S.

I forgot to say GREAT POST MEGGLES!
This continues to be the only blog I've ever read, which is saying something since I am from Texas and you're not, right?!

Mike...you are still lame and I know Nicole @ 11:42 was you.

"Mike" said...

Hey Jen-Jen, why don't you ask Meg to check her Clicky account to see if you are right?

Anonymous said...

Meg. FYI. Bobby "grandma raper" Flay recently opened a burger chain in Philly. 'Bobby's Burger Palace'. Yes, PALACE. Asshole.

Do you think this is something Tulane Chris could explore in his spare time? Maybe a 2birds Investigates? There has to be some shady shit going on in that kitchen... namely Bobby jacking off into the special (chipotle) sauce as he watches episodes of Throwdown on loop.

Jennifer said...

"Jen-Jen"?

I might have just vomited in my cereal. A LOT.

Anonymous said...

ewwww i just vomited with you Jennifer.

Mike, this was your one chance to prove to everyone you're not a massive douche and that you actually have a sense of humor. EPIC FAIL.

Andrea said...

When I read Ginger-Bitch my first thought was "Wait, Meg doesn't have red hair! Oh, wait, Christmas, got it."

Jennifer said...

Oh and hey Mike, I don't know what a "Clicky Account" is, but seeing as you are a blogger and all, I'm sure you thought to get around that, like go to a neighboring cubicle or something. YOU WOULD.

Anonymous said...

Meg, my god, that was awesome. you are outstanding!!!

Anonymous said...

Amazing post, Meggles! And Mike--WTF? Can't you answer the AN question?

"Mike" said...

Oh, I honestly forgot about that question. Never seen it, don't plan on watching it, I'm indifferent.

Casey said...

Sad to say I've never seen this show, so I felt compelled to go to Food Network's Web site and watch video clips of it. Of course, the first clip I watch is Bobby bursting through the wall and attempting to rape my precious Paula Deen! Oh no, sir. Oh. No. You. Don't.

DTown said...

Meg, "Tiny Ginger-Bitch" HAAAAAAA!! That is exactly what that shit fuck Bobby Flay is. You just know he's only 4'7" tall. One inch taller than Mike.

Speaking of Mike.

Gawwwwwwddddd you suck. A.) That was THE WORST response ever. B.) "Mike" is just about as anonymous a name you can get without actually being named Anonymous. And C.) Holy shit, if you think "jerking off in the bathroom" multiple times a day, at work, in order to stave off boredom, is only borderline innapropriate you have more fucking problems than having a shity sense of humor. Hell, you have more problems than Meg.

Lexi said...

I have never watched "Throwdown" but I have had the misfortune of eating in one of Mr. Flay's restaurants. The man made steak not good! How is that even possible? It was so salty. He ruined a perfectly good piece of meat (granted he likely was not in the kitchen)!

Luckily, my parents were paying the ridiculously high prices for his sub-par food.

Anyhoo, this post just made me not like him more.

Sarah said...

I know you get dozens of replies and may not even read them (?) but I felt absolutely compelled to comment on this post.

I. fucking. HATE BOBBY FLAY.

The Food Network is basically the only channel that's ever on in my house, and I will turn it OFF when that monstrosity of a show is on. (The exception: When he went up against Pioneer Woman. Because I love every food dish that woman has ever made, and I knew PW would never lose. Especially not to Bobby Fucking Flay.)

Whenever I see commercials, I spit.

My explanation to my fiance as to why there's so much spit on the floor is this: Why the hell can't Bobby Flay just let SOMEONE ELSE be the best at something? Why does he have to try to beat them? You can NOT BE the best at everything, Bobby Flay.

The fact that his sole purpose in life is to beat other people at what they're best at makes me want to kick him in his (2-inch) junk.

Thank you for writing this. You GET it.

Sarah said...

Oh! Also! I don't ever read the comments here, but from what I can glean from "Mike's" response here, he sucks almost as much as Bobby Flay.

Almost, sir.

Alyssa Rizzini said...

"He's a fucking Iron Chef; shouldn't he be able to handle cooking a bundt cake without needing to raise Julia Child from the dead and slowly feed her Giada De Laurentiis' brains until she gives up her ace-in-the-hole recipes?"

this is GREAT laughing my ass off

tobi said...

Bahahaha! This truly is the greatest. From the Cillian Murphy moment, to waiting with baited breath for "Mike's" "comeback" . I have never seen the show, but much like you did with Jersey Shore, I am sure I have now been turned on to it, just to be turned off by it (but never able to turn it off). Oof. Meg, you never fail.

Megs said...

I've stumbled onto this blog a few times while perusing the information highway; it also helps that my friend, a fellow blogger who follows this incredible conglomerate of comical genius, sent me this specific article in an email because she knew I'd get a kick out of it. And I did.

I love the Food Network. I'm a foodie. Maybe a little too much of a foodie, at times. I love to cook, too. So, I think that helps. (I also JUST got the first Alton Brown Good Eats cookbook for Christmas.)

Even so... Bobby Flay is the most self-absorbed asshole I ever had the (dis)pleasure of watching on TV because I DO watch him, even though I loathe him and want to culinarily destroy him. I think what irks me, mostly, about this particular show, is that one would think (while being entirely too idealistic about it) that he would lose, all the time, because these people who go up against him have tried and true recipes, sometimes generations old, that have never failed him... but, somehow, in some cases, he wins...! He wins, by making a relatively simplistic dish... with the addition of chipotles or anchos or serranos or whatever other pepper he pulls out of his ass and calls flavor. My fiance and I take bets that the people working behind the scenes on that show pay off some of the people lolly gagging around to say that Bobby's version is better so he looks good and doesn't completely look like an asshole.

Despite my harsh criticism of Bobby Flay, I, too, am drawn to watching his show, every time it's on (unless there's something more interesting on another channel). It's the same way with Rachael Ray and Anne Burrell and Sunny Anderson. You just have to watch. Like rubber-necking past an accident.

This blog entry was wonderful. Totally great. Reading awesome insight like this is what makes my day and solidifies that all my yelling and bitching at the television while Bobby Flay flaps his lips is well justified (to me, not any one, sitting around me, rolling their eyes).

Also Meghan with an H said...

MEG!!!!!!! quick! the monorail episode is on!!!!!!! eeeeeeee

Caitlin said...

"Being critical isn’t even the main reason for these comments, though. The bottom line is that I am often bored in my line of work. And there’s only so many times I can go jerk off in the bathroom before it becomes borderline inappropriate. So one way I entertain myself is by leaving these comments on this blog (This is far from the only place I comment on the internet on a daily basis, by the way, but it is probably the only place where I wouldn’t normally fit in.). You see, all these little anonymous commenters become so IRATE. The responses can often be pretty hilarious, and that helps get me through my day. "

Why thank you for taking the time to explain why you're such an asshole. Complaining about other people's writing to keep yourself from getting bored.

The internet is pretty fucking big. I'm pretty sure you can find something else to do.

Anonymous said...

i love mike. he is funny and you are all REALLY uptight about something that is NOT a big deal.

Jennifer said...

ANON 1:39 is so "Mike"

He likes to pretend he is other people, to pretend he has some kind of fan base

BUT it is not true. His blog had one comment on it. ONE.

And his topic today was about how he hates vegetables. It was EXTREMELY enthralling. Please. Give us more.

We are desperate.

Write about how carrots suck but we must eat them at Mommy's.

Please.

I need a narrative to my vegetables.

Because I am 5.

Nate said...

Will Jennifer and "Mike" please just have sex already? The tension is killing me.

Love,
Dr. Sinners

Anonymous said...

i can think of a couple other people on or about this blog who need to have sex already.

JD said...

funny post! and i couldnt agree more! ive had similar convos with friends in the past about the show!

"Mike" said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
"Mike" said...

Let this be a lesson to everyone. If anyone out there has anything nice to say about me, don't! JEN-JEN HAS NO TIME FOR SUCH SHENANIGANS. It is impossible that anyone out there (other than my multiple personalities, of course) could ever have anything nice to say about me. And Jen-Jen knows this. She is always watching and waiting to catch such intolerable wrong-doing. NO AMOUNT OF TRICKERY OR TOM FOOLERY IS TOO MUCH FOR HER!

Jen-Jen, for your constant vigilance and undying devotion to upholding the integrity of the comments section of 2birds1blog, I salute you.

Anonymous said...

ughhhhhhhh miiiiiiiiiiike.

before you were just annoying. now you're just creepin me out

Anonymous said...

Thanks to Mike the comments section is more entertaining than the blog itself.

Jennifer said...

LOL

Whoops. I might have been a litttttle toasted last night.

Still meant every word! Haha

Shannon said...

Mike, please gargle some razor blades

Anonymous said...

Hey Mikey,

Do us all a favor and spend more time writing about "how you live with your parents and how hard it is to eat the veggies you Mommy cooks for you every night and how it sucks trying to get laid in the twin bed you slept on in 6th grade" so AN person can read it,and less time criticizing someone else. Also, if you're going to leave criticizing comments on blogs could you at least make them interesting and not just annoying? I mean, if you're trying to be funny you have no sense of humor, kind of like that kid in middle school who would do super lame shit and think he was HI-larious but really he just creeped out/annoyed the shit out of everyone.

Happy Holidays!

Anonymous said...

I miss the blog before all these annoying people found out about it. Soon people are going to begin first-ing comments.

But thanks for an enjoyable read.

John said...

I Love this blog. Been an avid reader for 1+ years and have read all the old posts. TC only made it better.

However, the comments section drives me nuts. Some people here act like their sole mission in life is to "protect Meggles from the evil criticizers out there" Someone like Mike makes a few comments. OBVIOUSLY looking for a response. And wow do you give it to him.

I guess I have a hard time relating to how angry you all get about... well really nothing. It seems to actually offend you that Mike might say something other than "OMGGGGG BEST POST EVER! MEG YOU ARE LIKE MY BFF" And you call him creepy?

Don't get me wrong this blog is awesome. Just the right balance so it sounds real but with enough hyperbole to make it hilarious time and again.

But wow - it is not a crime to criticize a post. Or lack of posts.

Everything isn't "THE BEST" despite what you might have been told in school as they celebrated your "graduation" from every grade. And when last place still got a ribbon.

Oh and the food at the Mesa Grill (Flay's restaurant) is great. The show... well not so much. At least he rarely wins. I'm sure the people he Throwsdown with don't mind the fee national publicity, no matter how douchy Bobby is in the process.

Anyways, flame away at me too. I got my big boy pants on today.

Anonymous said...

John - I agree with you about having freedom to express your opinion, however the concept that people now find criticizing something purely because they're bored a perfectly acceptable thing to do is something I take issue with.

It seems like a vicious cycle, because someone acts out for attention we seem to give it to them.

But plain and simple - Mike is a troll and he craves attention. He's not criticizing - by his own admission - because he actually dislikes or disagrees, but simply because he wants attention.

And while Meg used this nuisance for comedic purposes, to continue talking and responding to Mike is exactly the reaction he seems to be feeding on.

K said...

Okay, guys, I know Mike's blog isn't that great, and that his comments aren't so much constructive criticism as just wildly annoying, but some of these responses are just plain immature. If you think he's such an asshole, why can't you just be the better person instead of calling him a bunch of stupid names like high school freshmen? And, Jen, accusing him of posting comments about himself under a different name? Really? Come on.

Anonymous said...

Just in case anyone is unaware:

A troll is not an personal attack, it is defined as:

One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument

Anonymous said...

K- maybe you should not read the comments section if its top high school...

Anonymous said...

How many of you people have actually met Meg? Ya'll defend her like she's your best friend in the entire world? For all we know, Meg could be a creepy asshole with good writing skills, and Mike could be a sweetheart with mediocre writing skills. Jeez... get a life people.

Anonymous said...

what's with all the people hating on the 2b1b fans?? so what if people love and defend meg, would you rather they tore her posts apart bit by bit and spouted hateful comments 24/7 like mike? it's sad that people get so angry about people being nice!

happy holidays bitches

Anonymous said...

Did I miss the big announcement? Or have they not made it yet.

Anonymous said...

One of your best posts yet, Meg! Love it!

Anonymous said...

I guess there is no "big announcement." That's all this blog is full of. Empty promises and broken dreams.

Anonymous said...

^-- seriously.

James said...

What the fuck happened to this place while I was gone? Jesus Christ on crutches.

Elizabeth said...

This blog is a circus and I love all you freakshows. Avid fan 2+ years.

Anonymous said...

unrelated but, Larry Hagman on the use of LSD:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/18fgMf/www.dosenation.com/listing.php%253Fid%253D7637

Lia said...

This is the best summary of TWBF I've ever read. Thank you.

LAUR! said...

Amazing post, Meggles, but WHY did you have to center Mike out? Giving attention to ass hats like him is like feeding a mogwai after midnight.

Anonymous said...

no post monday...SHOCK

Lindseh said...

His skill is quite inspiring- makes me think I can start my own cooking show.

I'd call it: Adding Shit to Ramen.

Episode 1: Peanut Butter

Anonymous said...

Bravo Meg, this was your most excellent rant of your tiny little life to date.

Anonymous said...

anon @ 12:38 am

redundant. tiny little?

Anonymous said...

Where's the announcement?

Anonymous said...

Anon 11: 58

I think it's time to give up hope on the alleged announcement.

Anonymous said...

The big announcement's late?! WHAT A SHOCK!

Sarah P said...

Exactly. To all of that. Especially the Gordon Ramsey part.

Sarah P said...

P.S. joannagoddard.blogspot.com posted a bunch of links recently and, speaking of mustaches, here's one of the links: http://toddpelloweblog.com/louisville-wedding-photographer/index.cfm?postID=262&Hannah-Anthony-Green-Building-Wedding

If you scroll about 2/3s of the way down the page, there's a little picture of the Earth with a mustache. It says, "The world needs more stache."

LizzyH said...

Just got kind of excited to discover that we have the same birthday. And as I'm a twin, that makes 3 of us against the one Flay daughter. We can take her!

Anonymous said...

Yo Meg, TC and the rest of the 2b1b gods - I'm type bored at work so I was wondering...maybe you guys could do a post on your favorite blogs/links? You know we need more procrastination enabling, so hook us up! Kthnxbye.

Anonymous said...

annnd still no new post this week! pa.the.tic.

Buy Vigrx said...

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Tulane Chris said...

Anon 5:26, now that I live in Philly I've really grown to love the701level.com. It's an awesome blog, and I get a lot of my writing inspiration from there.

I also, of course, love me some scoopandslam.com!!

stace said...

Big news big news tell us the big news!
(No pressure like :P )

Anonymous said...

Nice sarcasm, Tulane Chris... But unlike "2 birds, 1 blog", scoopandslam (which I believe is written by ONE, not TWO people) has updated their blog multiple times this week. You and Meg are really dropping the ball... where is our "big news?" Very disappointing...

Anonymous said...

aw, give them a break, it's the holidays!
and anyway i'd rather 2b1b post less often than start posting the kind of rubbish mike does.

Anonymous said...

i'm putting $20 on no new post until 2011. takers?

Anonymous said...

Good job making the blog a success, Meg.

Anonymous said...

Nothing allllll week? Was this ur way of saying you're done w/this blog? That was prob the big announcement, but meg pussed out

Anonymous said...

Chelsea Handler got her big breaks in comedy by getting a show on E! while she was fucking the president of E!. You're funnier than her, Meg, she's just better at fucking really important people than you. Your evaluation would probably read "Must Improve: Sleeping With Rich People Who Can Get Her TV Shows".

Anonymous said...

Wow. This SHIT really sucks I mean 12/22?????

Lizzie L said...

I think it pretty much goes without saying they've given up on trying to make a living off of this/make it successful...which is fine, but disappointing to some fans I guess. Ah well.

Anonymous said...

a weel and a half without AN single post?? not cool guys, not cool

Anonymous said...

fuck. a *week and a half. sorry, NYE killed me

Anonymous said...

oooh. TC i don't know about that 701 thing. it gave me a headache to read their phonic writing and RANDOM CAPS that just APPEARED over and over again. I read one sentence and forgot immediately what it said...hah

Stephanie Iris said...

Hahahahahaha this post was amazing and I am forever subscribing to this blog.

I loved the way you broke down the reasons for hating that show, all of which are completely legitimate and hilarious. =)

Anonymous said...

Don't care how often you post. Will. Always. Love . You. Both. Thinking of changing my name to Homalina von Shrew. Has a nice ring to it.

Stephanie said...

omg guys come back I am dying without you <3

Meredith said...

I'm sorry, did NO ONE read the tweet where Meg said they were off for the holidays? You don't even have to subscribe to Twitter -- it's right there on the side of the page! I'm not defending a general lack of posting outside of the holidays, but please complete the most minute amount of research before being a comment cunt.

Anonymous said...

ok please do not tell me i have to struggle through an entire monday-after-vacation WITHOUT a post?? you're killin me!

and meredith - wah wah wah. and i'm pretty sure you yourself are the main "comment cunt" just for that lovely little end note.

Anonymous said...

A BOOK!!! that sounds amazing and I will definitely be purchasing said book! Hope you guys had happy holidays!

Anonymous said...

Whoa! A book!!! Whoo hoo!!!

Sam @ SSB said...

Book deal? As Joey from Blossom would say, Whoaaa. That's awesome. Congrats!

Mary said...

YOU GOT A BOOK DEAL!!!! AHHH CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!

Oh my God, I've been reading and the blog avidly since around March/April of 2010, I feel like such a proud parent right now!!

YAY! SO happy for you!

Anonymous said...

Scoop and Slam OWNS YOUR FUCKING WORLD.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah. MEG, if I ever meet you, I'm SCOOP AND SLAMMING YOU

-Spanish Guy At the Firehouse

Mr. Attitude said...

If thinking that playing it solo at work is not inappropriate isn’t funny, I don’t know what is.

CheechaB said...

I'm so sorry to have to obey my compulsion to do this - I've tried to put it off for days - but I have to defend Bobby Flay. For a while I thought the same things as you and had labeled Flay as a grade-A jerk for even thinking of doing this show. Then I watched it a few times. Have you ever noticed that he almost never wins? And his bumbling sous chefs? I have a suspicion that the point of the show is really for him to showcase the cooks he competes against and show that everyday people can cook as well as a pro. He always gives props to how they do it and their local flavor.
But I love you Meggles! You are still my digital crack. Um, as in the drug, not the body part. Sorry about that.

CheechaB said...

Um . . . I didn't read the other comments before posting. I'm not challenging all the Flay haters. Just making an observation. Oof.

Melanie said...

God what a great post. One of your best. Bobby Flay is the WORST.

Samantha said...

Meg...this might be creepy but I think I might...love you? I absolutely despise Bobby Flay and will be forever grateful that you spelled out all the reasons why. FYI when I read "FUCK YOU, I'M BOBBY FLAY!" I snorted at work. (In fact every time I think of that quote I laugh...it's never not going to be funny)

Anonymous said...

I have watched Throwdown with Bobby Flay and don't really find him that annoying. But, your blog cracked me up. I couldn't stop laughing. But I do have to defend Iron Chef America, not because of the chefs but because I'm a huge Alton Brown fan and I find his culinary knowledge seems to exceed even the best Iron Chef. He is the main reason I watch ICA. He's an awesome commentator. One reason I hate ICA is if they bring on that stuffy, holier-than-thou judge, Jeffrey Steingarten. Now, I wish you would blog about him. Terrible man.

Anonymous said...

I was laughing so hard that it was a borderline screaming fit. I love you for writing this LOL

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Anonymous said...

You have such an annoying writing style. I understand that there's supposed to be some sort of humor in your over-the-top whining, but there's really no substance once you take out the "shock value." Also, you used the phrase "begs the question wrong.

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