Guest Blogger — The Sexual Misadventures of our Merch Store Competition Winner

When I was living in DC the year after I graduated, I was at work one day perusing facebook when I noticed that a girl who was a freshman when I was a senior was also in DC doing a summer internship. So I naturally poked her (on facebook, get your mind out of the gutter). She poked me back and then sent me a message saying how we needed to get together for a drink. I invited her to my buddy's party, and we each did a shot of tequila and started sucking face in the corner. Typical, right?

She whispers in my ear that she wants to take me home, so we jump in a cab, and she tells the cabbie to take us to Tenleytown. Since I'm making out with her, I don't notice where we are going. The car pulls up to a big brick building, and we get out. It was then that I noticed that we were at a motherfucking American University Dorm. We walk in, and she gets takes me past the security man up to the room. We knock on the door, she goes in, turns around, and with a sheepish look says "My roommate is home."

My natural instincts kick in, and I turn around and zone in on the dorm common area down the hall. I pull her in and throw her on one of those horrible college couches that are "fire retardant" and are packed with stuffed up toilet paper and styrofoam peanuts. I turn off the lights and try to close the door, but there is no door. So I think to myself "Eh, it is late, no one will walk by."

So I'm sitting down on the couch, with her lying across my lap, and we're making out. I decide to make a move and put my hand on her leg.

"Mmmmm," she moans.

Inside my head, I'm saying, "What in the fucking fuck? Who the fuck moans when someone touches their leg near their KNEE?"

So I move my hand up a little farther...she responds with an "Mmmmm ohhhh yeah oh my gawwwwd."

What? Huh? What the hell is going on? My hand is literally over her pants on her leg. I move it up closer to her ladyparts, and she starts full on screaming, "Oh yeah motherfucking my god oh my god."

It was then that the night took the most interesting turn of all. I find a small hole in the crotch of her jeans, tear it open ever so slightly, move the underwear to the side, and start fingering her. Through a hole in her jeans.

At this point, she is convulsing and screaming like someone in an insane asylum. I keep fingerblasting, and hear a noise behind me. I turn around and a group of people have gathered at the door and are watching us. I awkwardly shrug and keep going. When she is...done...we get up and I walk her back to her door.

She turns to me with a worried look on her face and says to me, "Jesus. You just took my virginity!"

Time out. What? All I did was finger this chick. Yeah, it was through a hole in her jeans, but I was fully clothed the whole time.

So I break the news to her. "Um no, we didn't have sex. Sorry?"

She responds, "Yes, oh my god, Jesus, you popped my cherry. You took my virginity."

By now I am freaking out and thinking that I am going to be wrongfully arrested for rape or something, so I take my hand out and say "I didn't pop your cherry, look at my fingers. No blood!"

She then looks at me and starts saying, "Blood? Blood? Oh my god Blood! BLOOD! OH MY GOD BLOOD!"

Now I'm screaming, "NO! NO BLOOD! NO BLOOD!" while she's screaming "BLOOD! BLOOD!"

I flip out and run down the hall with my hands flailing in the air, looking for any means of escape.

When I got home, I felt so awkward and strangely guilty about this situation that I emailed the girl at 3am to ask her out to dinner so we can have The Talk about the birds and the bees, and I can make sure she isn't going to have me arrested. This is while scenes of me in jail for molestation are flashing through my head.

And a week later, I finally did take her virginity. For real. In a bed that I rolled into my dining room. Because that is how it should be done.

(PS: I recently found out that she is a lesbian. No joke. What the hell?)