Last spring, I went to visit a friend in San Francisco, and we took a day to go tour the wine country. We stayed with a friend-of-a-friend, who dropped us in town around noon and picked us up after she was done with work. “Hey, guys, did you get in a couple of wineries?” “Buh, tuh. EIGHT.” We then asked for a ride to the store to get beer. When we sobered up, we realized that we’d made her uncomfortable. She thought we had Gone Too Far, and that we were on the verge of Having A Problem. Bah. We’re just from the South. Drinking is like sex and ice-skating. Done well, you have an awe-inspiring result; done poorly, you’re sore and an object of scorn. So in the spirit of Ladies and gentlemen, Self-Referential Entertainment Presents: The Problem Drinking Drinking Game! Drink when/if: - You’ve made a conversion chart that shows, for each hour of the day, a world city in which it is already five o’clock. - If someone has ever confronted you about drinking in the day, and you’ve mumbled something about daylight savings time. - Your trash bags clank as you put them by the curb. - You’ve started tailgating for sports with a very limited local following, such as jai alai or women’s darts. - “I’m not drinking. This is just beer.” - At your house, every dessert has brandy poured over it. They are never lit. - “You call this a Seven and Seven? This is an eleven and three at best.” - You get drunk to make everyday tasks easier. I once paid my bills drunk, and when I got the canceled check back I found that on the memo line of my check to the gas company, I had written, “for Grace and Beauty.” - You’ve ever gotten drunk while sick with the reasoning “alcohol kills germs.” - Wine savers mystify you, because who doesn’t finish their wine? - You have a bottle in the trunk of your car “for emergencies” that is significantly more accessible than the spare tire. - “We could divide this into actual Jell-O shots, or we could just refrigerate the whole bowl and eat it with a spoon.” - “Pshh. He’s 21 in dog years.” - “No, it’s more efficient to put the Kool-Aid mix directly in the vodka. Then you can just stir it up.” - You beef up softer drinks, like mimosas, with a shot of vodka. (Ex Co-Blogger Eddie does this and it’s delicious and effective.) - Mosquitos bite you, take a few uncertain steps, and fall to the ground. - “I find that if I swallow the mouthwash I lay down a good base buzz for the morning." - This happens: Meg returns Monday! Have a great weekend everyone!