6.03.2010

What's your glitch, Gene?

So I completely fucked up my schedule this week (as evidenced by my sprinting to work in 90-degree weather yesterday morning to be on time, only to find out that I wasn't on the schedule at all. HA HA, oh me) so I don't have a post for today. BUT! Thank god I have that entire arsenal of reader sexual misadventure stories, huh?! Here's Ushma's, which in addition to being mortifying came with a visual aid! See you tomorrow when I'm (slightly) less crazy and back on schedule!


So some gorgeous night out last July a friend of mine and I decided to meet up for a night on the town. In my brilliance I decided to drink every type of alcohol known to man in some type of gamble with my liver. I started off with 4 vodka jello shots, then a couple glasses of white wine with my friend at her apartment, followed by some double Captain and cokes, threw in a beer or 2 and then topped it all off with some red wine. How I didn’t need my stomach pumped is also beyond me. I ended up dancing (read: making out) with some guy at the bar and having a grand ole’ time.

We decide to call it a night and head over to my friend's apt in Dupont with a guy she was dancing with. Turns out my guy is straight up Brazilian and doesn’t speak a lick of proper English. Of course. As we all know Brazilians speak Portuguese but we were able to converse in Spanish, lucky for him I had just spent a week in Barcelona 3 weeks prior brushing up on my elementary level Espanol skills.


After the final glasses of red wine at my friend's apartment with her guy and my guy, her guy offered to give us a ride home but once again in my brilliance I just opted to exit stage left with my guy instead of waiting. We cabbed it back (read: made out more) and finally come up to my apt. We do our thing and in the middle of it this girl, this classy classy girl, falls off her own bed. Guy jumped off the bed and in his broken English, bless his heart, asked if I was ok. I think out of utter embarrassment and sheer drunkenness I said I was fine and we continued on with our night of the horizontal mambo. I will never be the first to admit I make great decisions whilst drunk.


The following morning I felt like death and came to the realization that guy was still there and I had completely lost all my dignity. Operation Get Guy Out had gone into effect. Of course having a pounding hangover headache was not conducive to my planning efforts. Instead of lying and saying that I had plans for the morning, I casually SOS texted a close friend of mine asking if she could call me in a bit to say she had to meet me since guy refused to leave. She called, I ran to answer the phone and loudly exclaimed how much I would love to go to brunch with her. Guy was ready and dressed by this point and I let out a huge sigh of relief. I awkwardly in basic Spanish asked him if he needed a cab, and he could only respond saying yes. Lovely. I pointed him in the direction and ran back to my apt and lay on my couch in the fetal position re-evaluating my life decisions.

I wish I could say that was the worst part....but I'd be lying. A few hours later whilst I was trying to rally to go to my friend’s pool and I noticed that courtesy of my fall I have a one foot long scratch all the way down my back from hitting my computer desk on the way down. I imagine it will scar and it will constantly be a reminder of the legendary night that I mixed all the drinks and fell off my very own bed doing the nasty with a Brazilian who doesn’t speak English.


But wait...it gets worse. So not to be TMI, even though I already explained probably one of the most traumatic experiences of my sexual life, as a form of BC I use the Nuva-Ring. Some might say gross, but I'm far too lazy and irresponsible to have to remember to take a pill everyday, never the less at the same time every day. Speaks highly of my character, I'm sure. Well anyhow, two days after this "amazing" night while I was getting ready for bed I had gone to the bathroom and just to check if all was ok "down there" I felt around to make sure the Ring was still there. Uhh...well it wasn't.


I flipped my shit and didn't know where it could have possibly gone. I promptly ran into my bedroom and scoured the floor by the bed and wouldn't you know....the fairly translucent ring was laying there almost under the bed. THE.RING.CAME.OUT.WHEN.I.FELL.OFF.THE.BED.....!!!! I was utterly convinced that I was knocked up with some Brazilian's love child and/or got some horrifically mortifying VD.

I'll be pleased to say that close to a year later I did not breed said love child and I've got a clean bill of health....however, what I am missing is the complete lack of dignity that it still somewhere up and down Dupont Circle.

As I said I really kinda wish this was a story one could make up...but I'm just not that lucky of a person. I took a picture of the scratch on my back as proof of the activity to my closest friends after the fact... FML...no seriously...FML
.

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33 comments:

Anonymous said...

Um...this chick knows that a Nuva Ring does not a VD-preventer make...right?

L said...

Wait! Nuva Ring doesn't prevent VD??!! I'm pretty sure she gets that...along with most other girls on BC. This is a story that will forever live in infamy as one of my favorite all time drunk stories. Receiving the picture via text the next day while I was out at the pool made me laugh like a hyena and sorry that I skipped out on the night before the shenanegans went down.

Erin said...

lame. lame. lame.
first of all, if you don't fall off the bed every once in a while, you aren't having good enough sex.
second, when you said you had a huge scratch that you thought would scar, i was expecting at least some blood or bruising.
and then, how hard could it have been to get him to leave if he was fully dressed by the time of the fake brunch invite. at least he didn't invite himself along or offer to wait for you to come back. (ick)
finally, if you can recount how many of what you had to drink (last night, and especially last year) you probably weren't that drunk.
all in all, i recommend you seek out more of these dignity loosing nights, because if this is the most exciting/embarrassing sexcapade you have, you need to grab life by the horns and live.

ps. i don't mean to be a hater, and i heart this blog. Seriously, Meg, in your huge arsenal of stories, this is the best you had? i don't believe it. lame.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't aware that falling off the bed mid-romp was a socal norm. Am I missing something? Erin, I challenge you come back with a story of your own that tops that, because I think it's pretty funny. Don't critique someone else's sexcapade unless you can come back with one of your own.

Anonymous said...

for real. don't be a bitch, erin. like mom always taught, if you don't have anything nice (or funny) to say about someone's sexual adventures, don't say anything at all.

also, its losing* not loosing.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Erin, and I have my own story to counter. I'll keep it short and sweet, and free of the word "whilst". During snowpocalypse II, my very very drunk boyfriend and I decided to exit a house party to find a secluded place to bang. We couldn't really find anything because we were drunk, so we decided that semi-private would do since it was snowing cats and dogs and we figured visibility was minimal. Turns out the whole party was watching us out a window, as someone was wondering where we disappeared to, looked out the window, and saw our footprints in the snow leading to where we were...*facepalm*. So not only did everyone watch the whole thing, but my boyfriend pulled out and splooged all over my jacket. ALL OVER. It wouldn't come off. Everyone called me spermcoat all night, but we couldn't leave because we were snowed in. Now THAT is embarrassing. Falling off the bed mid-sex while drunk is not embarrassing. sorry.

Anonymous said...

also, its losing* not loosing.

IT'S losing, jackass.

Becky said...

wow why is everyone so bitchy today?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous' story SUCKED. not funny and Erin you sound like a cunt. You are probably a lesbian

austin said...

Hey Becky, SHUT UP!!!
...nah, I'm kidding.

But seriously, all of a sudden, everyone who reads this blog has a MFA in English and Advanced Grammar? Sweet, guys.

Please, lay off. This took some serious chick-balls to publish, so nice work, Ushma. Also, sorr about the scratch.

One time, I got slapped in the mouth for accidentally entering the back door of a girl who had diarrhea that day. Hysterical? Maybe. But am I going to send Meg the entire account? Shit no (no pun intended). So the least we can do is show some respect to those who actually did.

austin, out.

Casey said...

Agreed with Austin. While I didn't find the story particularly life-scarring, or nothing I haven't done before, it definitely took guts to submit it. I know I didn't send anything in. Plus, it was well-written. I give that itself kudos. (I'm looking at you, Kevin Yang...)

Harriet Olivia said...

"Please, lay off. This took some serious chick-balls to publish, so nice work, Ushma. Also, sorr about the scratch. "
Oh my fucking god, WORD. Everyone's being very Kevin Yang-y today.

I loved this story and was mightily relieved that the visual aid turned out to be of the scratch and not, y'know, an action shot.

Anonymous said...

I agree that this wasn't the most exciting or unusual story (out of 150 entries I'm sure there must have been some that were more awkward/funny)...but I do give Ushma props for sending it in to be posted for the world to read. I have had a lot more embarrassing and shocking things happen to me during sex but I would never ever have the guts to tell anyone - nevermind have it posted on a blog. Thanks for sharing!

Black Eye Girl said...

I have a very similar story to Ushma's so I can definitely appreciate her story. Mine however, involves hooking up with a guy I've known for YEARS and simply never taken the plunge with. And it ended up w/ me falling off the bed and somehow hitting the bedside table. But i didn't even realize I'd hit the bedside table. In my drunken stupor I thought I was fine and guy looked at me like I was crazy. I was like "what? It's fine, whatever, lets keep making out" and i dont really know what he said to respond but I do know this much, we went to sleep/passed out after that and no more shenanigans occured for the evening. the next day I wake up with a BLACK EYE! like totally swollen shut. I have a gash under my eye it was so puffy and red and purple. I did take a picture of it but i sure as hell am not posting it, ever. That one's staying locked up for life. I just remember my guy-friend-turned-hook-up was like "omg i feel SO bad, shit, i'm so sorry"
It basically looked like I'd been beaten or attacked so needless to say, we never spoke of the incident and I simply layed low for several days until the swelling went down and concealer would cover it. FML.

Love in the Dumps said...

It popped out when you fell out of bed?? Jesus that must have been some spill!! Do you have bunkbeds?

Ushma said...

A rebuttal, if I may. Erin & Spermcoat…sorry if you think my story was lame; I was voluntold by a friend to submit it, so I did. I was certainly not ‘in it to win it’, but just wanted to share a fun story with Meg that cracks me up, even a year later. Had I known it would have had a chance to be posted I would have definitely changed my name since I’m now all sorts of aware that I’ve recently introduced this blog to my older brothers who will very likely read this story about their one and only baby sister. Awesome.

Pamela said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Seu Jorge said...

Hola Ushma. te amo!

quisiera golpe mas?

Ruby said...

Nothing, I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters . . . . I mean fondue with cheddar! I'm thinking about making fondue with cheddar for lunch today.

I <3 you, Meggles.

Ruby said...

Um, I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters . . . I mean fondue with cheddar! I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar for lunch today . . .

I <3 you, Meggles.

Timothy said...

I cannot wait until the day, following retirement, I go back in to LinkedIn and update job descriptors with "Read, tirelessly, the sexual encounters of inebriated miscreants between the hours of 9 to 5. Overtime worked occasionally." I freakin adore you Meg.

Anonymous said...

oh dear god ushma lol i personally thought this was high-lariousssssss. and love that the cherry to top it all off is that your fam is gonna read this.

nice.

vrouwen versieren said...

I wasn't aware that falling off the bed mid-romp was a social norm.

LB said...

Meg, can you have a submissions call again in six months or something? Seriously, I go on ONE business trip and miss your call for entries. I have one that's mortifying and I pretty much just need to get off my chest. kthnx.

ashzilla said...

Ok, I was on the Nuva Ring for a little while too and don't ask me how cause neither me or two gynos could figure it out, but that stupid thing came out of me too!!! I don't recommend that thing to anyone!

paintball gear said...

If you can recount how many of what you had to drink (last night, and especially last year) you probably weren't that drunk.

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