- Father's Day is coming up this month and I have an idea for a card that I want to make my dad but I can't decide if it's hilarious or grossly inappropriate. It's definitely one of them though.
So we have this Father's Day greeting card at work that says "Dear dad, thank you for..." and then there's a list of things to check off if applicable like, "teaching me how to ride a bike", "looking under my bed for monsters", "moving me to college" blah blah, emotional blah. Well, I thought, what if I made a card with an illustration of an ominous-looking door, cracked slightly open and underneath it in really nice script it says, "Dear Dad, thank you for not creeping into my bedroom at night when I was growing up."
THOUGHTS? COMMENTS? CONCERNS? OFFENSIVE? It's just that sometimes when I'm watching Intervention, I seriously think to myself, "thank Christ I wasn't molested as a kid, because that shit jacks you up for goods." I mean, god forbid we as a society get to the point where we need to go out of our way to thank our parents for not molesting us, but, you know, sometimes it's nice to acknowledge what people don't do as well as what they do, right? Plus if it's a hit I can make a line of spin-off cards for Uncles, babysitters and abstract friends of the family! EVERYBODY WINS! Unless you were molested as a kid. In which case pretend like I didn't write this entire last paragraph. Thnx.
- Speaking of work—shock!—something embarrassing happened the other day. I have a filthy mouth that's really not conducive to working in retail. I've been trying really hard to clean up my act at work and have successfully replaced "ah shit" with "woops", "fuck" with "fudge", "damnit" with "darn" etc. The one expletive I can't seem to purge from my vocabulary, however, is "Jesus Christ." Jesus Christ isn't really an expletive, I know, but I feel badly taking the Lord's name in vain around customers, even if he isn't my Lord. I don't want to ruin some wholesome bride's day by dropping a spool of ribbon and shouting, "CHRIST ON A WHOLE GRAIN CROISSANT!" So I'm trying, I really am.
The other day I was helping a bride and her mom put together some save the date cards when I accidentally flipped an entire tub of embossing powder over, spilling it all over the floor. Realizing what I had just done, I opened my mouth to exclaim, "JESUS" and got as far as "JE" before I realized I should stop because it's inappropriate. My brain then quickly scanned for, found and subsequently said the only other word starting with J-E that I could think of: Jews. I knocked over a tub of embossing powder and angrily shouted, "JEWS!"
Then realizing that what I had just said was far more offensive than taking the Lord's name in vain, I felt the need to justify that it was OK for me to angrily exclaim "Jews" because "my mom is Jewish. So I guess I'm technically Jewish. But I wouldn't really define myself as 'Jewish.' NOT LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH JEWS! Or Jewish people, rather. I guess I think of myself more as spiritual. I'm so sorry...ANYWAY, let's look at an A2 card, huh??"
How I'm allowed to talk to strangers all day is beyond me.
- I got a day planner in an effort to stop going to work on days I have off and missing days when I'm supposed to blog. ~*REsPoNsIbLe PuRcHaSe '10!*~
- I'm totally in a fight with Mei Wah. When I got home from work tonight, all I wanted to do was order in Chinese, drink some wine, watch my life-partner Cat Deeley on So You Think You Can Dance and assemble Becca's bachelorette invitations. Nothing in the world could be more relaxing or zen than that situation.
I called Mei Wah to place my order and the person who answered told me it was probably going to be an hour before my food would be delivered, which was fine with me. I told her what I wanted, gave her my phone number and confirmed my address. "That's where you live?" she asked, "That's like 5 blocks away. Why don't you just come in and pick it up instead of waiting an hour to have it delivered?" "Oh, it's fine," I replied, "I really don't mind waiting, thanks."
Now that should have been the end of it, right? NO! She totally pushed the point and was like, "that doesn't make any sense. It's 20 minutes instead of an hour. And I can't even promise you it'll be there in an hour." "Yeah, I know," I said. It's fine though." "No, no, no, you should just come in and pick it up. You live five minutes away!"
I'm aware that I live five minutes away, thank you very much. I'm also aware that I'm not wearing any pants and am watching Jeopardy. And I'd rather light my genitals on fire than have any part of that equation to change.
"Really, it's fine," I said. And it's at that point that the woman on the phone literally laughed-out-loud at me. Like a full-fledged LOL. So, feeling substantially like a lazy a-hole, I caved and said I'd come in. And then I put on pants and did. Sigh. I can't believe I compromised my lazy pantless values for a measly order of pork in plum sauce. Mei Wah: never again.
- That's a lie. They have really good steamed dumplings.
- I should probably mention that I plan on falling in love in Ireland and not returning to the states. I think his name is going to be Patrick. He's from just outside Galway. He has a pug named O'Hoolihan. I'm pretty excited about our future together. I'm also putting a lot of eggs in this happiness basket. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do if this doesn't happen...
I think that's pretty much all that's new with me. State of the Meg: EXCITED FOR IRELAND/DALLAS, sorr about the (delayed) bag and psyched that I was never molested. BOOM.
But enough about me, how are you?
Dear Queer Abby: (I like that rhyme sequence)
So. I am a red-blooded female, and like most on earth I have needs that must be tended to...sexual needs. I do have sex in real life sometimes, not a lot, but occasionally. Usually when drunk. Don't judge me. I also have a friend that lives far away with whom I partake in what the kids are calling "sexting" these days. Well, does it count as sexting if it's not via cell phone? is it just gchatexting? Oops. Either way. It happens from time to time, and it's always excellent. The most fun being in that A) I am not getting any diseases and B) I can say stuff I would never actually do in reality. So let's say things get kind of explicit sometimes. Things I would never EVER want anyone else to read.
Anyway, my problem is this: I used to have a Blackberry Pearl, it was a huge piece of shit so I got an iPhone instead (booyeah) and ended up giving the Blackberry to my biffly biffly^max (thanks for that one, Meg) when her phone broke. Aren't I a nice person? Damn. (This is going somewhere, I swear) She doesn't ever use the email feature but I guess she opened it by accident today and my email has been attached to the phone since it belonged to me. Apparently she stumbled upon last night's questionable gchat when trying to log out (I don't think she was snooping...even if she was, I don't care, I didn't think I had anything to hide.......shit). She texted me to awkwardly let me know about reading what she did, and I died about 10 thousand times, the things that were said are MUCH too filthy to be repeated. I don't even like thinking about it. Oh my god. I am turning into a big ball of cringe as we speak. Ahhhhhhh fuckity shit fucker. OK, anyway, she is not going to disown me as a friend, in fact she has mostly just made fun of me like any good friend would ("call me later you dirty little slut"..ugh) and I know I am being a total loser about this BUT I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW I CAN LOOK HER IN THE EYE EVER AGAIN?!?!?! What the fuck do I do now?????? Help please. Thank you.
Awww man, this might be the ONLY time I would EVER advocate lying (unless it’s to your parents, the police or your boss/teacher). I’m guessing it’s too late for this now, but I totally would’ve just said something like, “oh, that was just this inside joke between me and ____ to see who could be raunchiest without…” and then make up some ridiculous rules that would make your friend be like “that’s funny as all get out… wish I had thought of it,” and maybe even “I wanna play too” so then you could’ve been getting some virtual action from coast to coast. Oh well, an opportunity missed…C’est la vie.
At this point though, I think you just have to deal. I mean, you gave her a fucking blackberry; if she can’t get past this (and by ‘get past’ I mean laugh hardily, mercilessly make jokes at your expense, and never let you live it down, BUT still love you anyway) then she’s lame and you need to find funnier friends. So yea, you just have to bite the bullet and make hanging out happen sooner rather than later (otherwise it just gets weirder) and crack some jokes at your own expense so it’s not this Big, Kinky Elephant in the room forever. In the meantime, try to chill out and force yourself to laugh about it every time you start to wince, because ultimately, while it feels horrible now, it will make for a great story later. And beside that, I’m sure Meg has some horrifically awkward and embarrassing story along the same lines that would make you feel 50%-75% better about your situation…
I don't, but mostly because I'm confused. I don't really get why this is so embarrassing. (Which is saying something, considering how I get embarrassed like middle school boys get boners.) I mean, you said this girl is your biffly-biffly^maxpower, right? Well, what are biffly-biffly^maxpowers for if not knowing about your sex life? (And I include sexting in that.) Talking about sex with your friends is a national pastime. It's why Brunch is holy. So you sext. So what? Who doesn't? That's not embarrassing. I sext all the time. I sext at dinner parties and everyone knows it. It's gotten to the point where I pull out my phone and everyone's like, "Ooo, who ya sextin'?" Sometimes when I get tired I tell Alex to take over. I'm not kidding, it's happened on multiple occasions. Plus he's just better at it than I am. I go back and read what he wrote and am like, "WOW. That's going to be interesting to deliver in person."
My point being, we live in the future, go-go boots, rocket ships, meals in pill form, Soilent Green is people, blah blah blah and sexting is part of the cultural/sexual landscape now. Embrace it, don't be embarrassed of it. Treat it like any other part of your sex life that you'd share with your friends. If Laura or Helena or Anna saw an X-rated convo that I was having, yeah I'd be embarrassed to a certain extent, but I'd probably move on quickly and be like, "OH YEA. Dude. That was a steamy convo. That boy is a minx." And then we'd giggle and knowing my friends, they'd want all the dirty details. Because that's what friends are for. Unless they're giant prudes, in which case, why be friends with them in the first place? Trust me, there are many, many, many things to be embarrassed about; your friends knowing about your sex life is not one of them.
Dear Queer Abby,
A little over a year ago my friend, let's call her J, started dating a girl, L. A lot of people were totally against this new relationship because L was quite a bit older than J and in a position of authority over her. However, I decided to be supportive. I believed that L made my friend happy and I thought she was nice enough.
Fast forward a year and a half. They are still together and all of J's friends have gone from slightly disapproving to down right hating L. She is unbelievably rude to all of J's friends, guilts her into staying home all the time and won't let her do anything by herself. When we invite both of them to do something L simply refuses. When she does grace us with her presence, she ignores everyone in the room and sulks in the corner. I tried to kill her with kindness and she was having none of it, so I eventually gave up.
About 6 months ago my girlfriend and I moved away. Figuring that we were 3000 miles away, didn't have to deal with L any more, and couldn't do anything about the problem anyway, we were ready to let our of all negative feelings go and keep in touch with J as best as possible. Unfortunately, the issue has recently reared it's ugly head. My girlfriend and I are planning a trip back to our former stomping grounds for late this summer. We want to spend as much time with J as possible, but we'd prefer to spend as little time as possible (if none at all) around her girlfriend. We recognize that J is not blameless in this situation, by we still don't know what to do with them.
So, our questions are these: how do we a. breach the subject of seeing J alone b. deal with her girlfriend if we do have to see her and c. in the long term, how do we keep their relationship from destroying our friendship with J?
We Miss Our Friend
a) I would be subtle, at most, about seeing J alone. I’m guessing she knows her friends (including you two) aren’t big fans of L, so you needn’t tell her again. If she plans to include L despite how you guys feel about her, that’s her decision. Now, whether or not you guys still want to participate if L is going to be around is your decision. That’s the only thing you have control over. Sometimes you may decide it’s worth putting up with L so you can spend time with J, and sometimes you may opt to forgo hanging out because you don’t want to have to deal with L. Neither decision is wrong. You’re just working with what you’ve been given and balancing your needs with those of your friend, and J should be doing the same... That said, if you can improve your odds a little bit by scheduling things when L probably can’t make it (like lunch dates during the week or something), well there’s nothing wrong with that.
b) If you decide to hang out with them both, do so with an open mind and try to be friendly. However, that doesn’t mean you have to let L treat you guys like shit. If she starts to be rude or disrespectful toward you, call her on it. Don’t be overly abrasive or public about it; be firm and mature. You want L to know you won’t tolerate being treated poorly, but you don’t want to come out looking lake the asshole in the situation. And if she keeps on being a dick, then leave. Again, you’re working with what you’ve been given. There’s no fault in that.
c) Piggy-backing on a) and b), if J knows how you feel about L but still insists on including her, AND all the while L is consistently being a dick even though you’ve made it clear you won’t stand for that, then you won’t be letting their relationship destroy your friendship with J—they will. All you can do is know your limits and be the best friend you can, given the situation. If you and your GF have to take a step back because it does you more harm than good to be as close with J as you (and she) would like, maybe that will serve as a wake up call for her. If not, wait it out as best you can and make sure she knows you’re there if/when her situation changes.
Anywhoo, I think taking Amy's advice is the mature decision and I bet your friend won't invite her girlfriend since you guys are only in town for a little bit. But if she does end up coming, if it were me? I'd go to my dock.
"Going to my dock" is a coping method I've developed over the years to deal with all of the a-hole significant others, mutual friends, professors, classmates, bosses, co-workers, family members etc. that I've had to deal with in order to keep the peace. And the thing is, at least for me, it really works. One day College Roommate Danielle sat me down and asked how I was able to tolerate a certain horrible satellite friend we had. I told her I just go to my dock.
Steps for Going to Your Dock:
1.) Mentally check out 100%. I mean, really, just peace the fuck out. Like almost to the point of mediation. Pick a point on the face of the person you're supposedly talking to and just stare while you empty your mind.
2.) Put yourself on auto-pilot. This step takes some time to master. You need to seem interested in what the other person/people is/are saying, but not just in terms of having an interested look on your face. You need to acknowledge what they're saying via a loop of well placed stock phrases like, "uh huh", "oh yea?", "hahaha!", "good lord", "please" and "I know."
3.) Once you're on autopilot, play Ottis Redding's 1968 hit "(Sittin' on the) Dock of the Bay" in your head.
4.) Enjoy the mental vacation you've just created for yourself.
After that conversation, Danielle always liked to try to guess when I was at my dock. We'd be at a party talking to someone we didn't like and when they left she'd be like, "WERE YOU JUST AT YOUR DOCK?! You were so at your dock. Were you??" But the thing is, if done properly, one should never be able to tell if you're at your dock or not. Mostly because if they can tell, you kind of seem like a giant asshole. So, you know, be careful of that.
Got a question for Queer Abby? Shoot an email to QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com!
Welp! That's going to do it for us here at 2b1b. Thank you so much for reading, forwarding to your friends, buying super sexy merch from the store, following us on Twitter, joining our Facebook page, commenting, emailing and just supporting us in general. Have a great weekend and we'll see you right back here Monday morning! Later.
(For a damn good Rue cry, go to 7:20. Sniff, sniff!)