Update!

- Although Matt Roberts, inventor of The Tinge vibrator slash razor, had enough free time to read my blog, comment on my blog and send me a passive-aggressive email mocking my broken Slammock dreams, he is faaarrrrr too busy to respond to my Tinge Challenge. In the words of the great Stephanie Tanner; how rude! In the words of the greater Mr. Bear; go fuck yourself dickweed.

- I still have yet to hug John McCain. I believe this is directly correlated to the tears I cry every night and the nightmares I wake from every morning.

- Although I lost The Great JDate Debate, I never emailed my J-Stud. This is primarily because I don't have a JDate account and refuse to pay $40 for a one-month subscription just to email him. It's a recession and sorry guy, but you're not $40 hot. $15 hot? Sure! But $40? Pfff, please...I'm not even $40 hot, so don't take it too personally.

Oddly enough, a few weeks after our debate, JDate matched Anna's roommate Jill with JStud #1. She emailed him and heard crickets back. Perhaps he was too busy ruminating about how cool the ocean is or was on a hat factory tour somewhere. Our loss.

- Although I still think I'm cursed, I never went in for my reiki-healing session. This, again, is related to my lack of the monies. However, I opened my umbrella in my apartment by accident last week and have now convinced myself that I've doubled my curse and will die of swine flu the H1N1 virus soon. Maybe I'll start saving the Mall Madness dollars I get paid in and actually go?

- Alex got me a subscription to GQ for my birthday! (Please don't tell my mom.)

- Lazy-Eyed Tim's story checked out. He really is best friends with my boss. Even better, he apparently just took over the DC/MD/NoVa veneer territory and will from now on be working out of our office frequently. We already have an event scheduled together in two weeks...soooo get ready for more Lazy-Eyed Tim stories!

- Despite my best efforts, Helena still hasn't gotten Twitter. Thus, I will be ghost-writing Helena's Twitter updates until she gets an account of her own. Follow "her" at twitter.com/hojo6969.

The Great JDate Debate: We have a winner!

The results are in:

• J-Stud #1: 90 votes
• J-Stud #2: 58 votes
• The Cat: 1 vote

So, the consensus seems to be that J-Stud #1 is hotter, as long as he doesn't open his mouth or write down his thoughts.

I really appreciate you guys taking the time to vote and you all showed some real moxy! Here are some of my favorite voting justifications:

"You run the risk of JStud #1 being one of those surfer hippy guys that only wants to talk about yoga and vegan footwear." - Anonymous

"Contestant #2 clearly has the more interesting personality and sense of humor based on his prose. His looks are more likely to make me want to break out a game of RISK then video tape ourselves having scandelous interwebs sex though. And his shirt looks like it had gastric bypass surgery with all those mysterious tummy rolls. Minus points for not having the fortitude to pull your shirt down and toss the anime lookin kitty off your lap." - Anonymous

"#1, while maybe more physically attractive, would probably want to show you songs he wrote on his guitar all the time. Which might sound nice at first glance, but his songs would probably all be about surfing and/or hats and/or his uncanny resemblance to what would happen if Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey had a lovechild somehow. And you'd have to sit there in silence for 7 minutes (his songs would surely include a bitchin' 3 minute guitar solo) and then give an Oscar worthy performance about how great it was and how you've never heard a song that successfully rhymed every line with the word "ocean" before." - Nate

"So my vote? Um. I guess #1, but only because he seems less likely to go nuts and follow you to and from work, show up unannounced at your apartment, and carve your name into his arm if things don't work out between the two of you." - Anonymous

"Putting aside the fact that most bios on any dating site are vague and banal, I think I would rather shoot myself than go anywhere with JStud #1. Here's how I imagine a conversation with him to go:
Me: So… where do you live?
Stud #1:Well, I only really feel at home in water. I think it’s some innate ability of mine to communicate through our evolutionary history. We came from water and water is just a part of us, you know?
Me:…
Stud #1: Oh look at that flower. The way it’s the only daisy in a field of daffodils really says something. I should take that picture. Don’t you think it really explains the way we all see life?
Me:…
Stud #1: I can tell by your silence that I am really making you think about things you’ve probably never thought of before. Don’t worry, I have that effect on people. Sometimes I think I’m just on another level than the rest of the world. It makes finding a relationship difficult, but I’m really looking for someone who can see the inner linings of things and be contented.
Me:…
Stud #1: I guess that’s why I’m really into meditation. I can communicate with the deepest level of my subconscious and it helps me become a more enlightened individual. It helps me see when other peoples shakra’s are out of sync and I can adjust myself accordingly. It means I can make people feel relaxed just by adjusting my body language and my biorhythms.
Me:….
Stud #1: You know what? You look like you could use some music. I first thought of this song while I was deep in meditation. It’s soothing like my spirit animal; the lemur. :proceeds to play song involving only 3 chords so that he can maintain eye contact:
Me: :Dead:

Conversation with Stud #2:

Stud #2: There are kittens in my lap… want to touch them?" - Danielle F.

"#2 is a dreamboat...if you like sinking ships. " - Les

# 2 wins. who says "I enjoy humor most of all and have been able to keep people smiling all my life thus far." what does that even mean? - slootastic

"I say #1 because he won't care as much when you realize he is a human parasite and you stop calling him. #2 would be all like, "can we at least be friends? can we hang out some time? is it still alright if i send you flowers? why aren't you calling me back?" - patrick

"i don't trust any guy who uses "quite" and "thus" in the same paragraph. Plus no. 2 is just cuter and funnier." - My Mom

"...and seriously, j-stud #1? fedora's went out of style 3 years ago. also, #16: The Accidental Self-Photographer Shot." - hannah

"And aside from the potential danger associated with such tendencies, some stalkerish moves can serve to boost the stalkee's ego. (Stalkee's phone rings during dinner with friends. Friend asks, "Who is that?" Stalkee replies casually, "Oh just my stalker." Friend exclaims "Oh girl! You and your men!" Secretly, friend wants a stalker, too)." - Anonymous

I'm assuming you've guessed by now, but if you haven't figured it out, Anna chose J-Stud #1 and I chose J-Stud #2. I like how flagrantly obvious this was to everyone who knows us. Apparently Anna has a penchant for dating pretty-boy surfers and I just scream "I love sarcastic, jaded, slightly-off putting and super insecure Jewish boys!" (I don't know why I just wrote that in a sarcastic tone because that's the truest statement that I've ever written down in my entire life.)

So Anna wins, I lose. Damnit! Although, I stand firm by my statement that J-Stud #1 looks like a weathered, gin-soaked Spencer Pratt who doesn't hold a candle to my stud. My stud who has kittens! And looks like Edward Norton (around the eyes!) And knows the definition of "sentence structure!" Gawd. As per the terms of the bet, I guess this means I have to email the old kitten-fucker. I'm not exactly sure how long a relationship between us could last, given that me and 170 of my closest friends publicly debated whether or not he was the least offensive douchebag in the douchebag contest. But if there's one thing that Freddie Prinze Jr. taught me, it's that solid relationships can be built on dating someone because you lost a bet.

...Although I still might choose the public nudity. As long as I can speed-walk and not run.

The JDate Debate

It's safe to say that Anna and I get along pretty well. We spent 21 days prancing around Europe sewn together at the hip and never got on each other's nerves once. That's impressive. I get on my own nerves at least once a day, and I'm not saying that for effect. So then, what force of nature could have been so strong it could rip us apart and create a fight so vicious that punching, clawing, pinching and childish name-calling were involved? JDates, obviously. Bros before hos my ass.

Having just come from half-price martini night (although I forgot my license and our heavily botoxed waitress wouldn't let me cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die that I'm over 21,) where we were talking about JDates, we decided to go back to my apartment and parooze the site. This naturally turned into a fun game of "Why would you choose that as your profile pic?" until Anna found a guy she thought was genuinely hot. I thought she was joking. A few mutual "YOU'RE CRAZY!"s were thrown around and I was told to find a guy I thought was hotter. I did. There was a disagreement, which led to an argument, which led to some name-calling...punches were thrown...not by all of us...my arm still hurts....

So here's the deal! We're going to put up both J-Stud's user pics along with their "About Me" sections and then you decide which one is hotter. I'm not going to divulge which guy was my pick and which was Anna's to eliminate any bias, but I'll tell you tomorrow, along with posting the results. Loser has to buy the winner a drink and actually email her guy. (Originally Anna proposed that the loser has to run somewhere naked but a.) I don't run and b.) I know that was just an excuse for Anna to run somewhere naked and she'll probably do it win or lose.)

Now people I took (and did not do well in) AP Psych. I know that for a proper polling of the general population we need a large sample size, so please take a second and comment with your vote! You don't need to say anything clever or use a user name, in this case I'm 100% fine with anonymous comments. Just tell me, J-Stud #1 or J-Stud #2? It'll take less than a minute and I might get a free drink out of it (and you might get to see Anna naked. But haven't we all?) Deal? Deal!

J-Stud #1

"I am quite into travel these days and music has always been a main interest. I enjoy humor most of all and have been able to keep people smiling all my life thus far. The ocean is the coolest thing ever. I play guitar every day. I love photography and media/ production work both of which i have been lucky to do professionally. I surf whenever i can find a beach with waves."

J-Stud #2

"My personality is pretty bland. Most people don't remember my name, including relatives. I'm usually covered in pet hair. I'm ambidextrous but not double jointed. I usually laugh at my own jokes sometimes even moreso when my audience does not get it/appreciate it (THAT INCLUDES YOU MOM!!!). I like to sculpt, but I don't like sculptures. Occasionally I have a good idea...but only occasionally and I usually forget it before I write it down.I don't have patience for dating shenanigans of any kind which is why I am only looking for friends to hang out with. It could be in a group or just the two of us. We don't even need to technically be seen together. We can sit at separate tables or stand a certain distance apart so that we can hear each other but not appear to be associated with each other. I learned that from outings with the fam.For those interested in a reliable friend to hang out with (movie, coffee, concert, whatever)...I can offer a mediocre sense of humor and an ability to speak in depth on virtually any subject including literature, politics, science and math (as advanced as you want to get), culture, bs or at least a willingness to learn and curiosity to listen."

IT'S ON!