3.21.2011

Family Matters:

- So it turns out not everyone appreciated my hardcore porn post from the other week, including my mother. I gots a-talking-to, you guys. HARDCORE. Diane was offended on the following levels:

1.) They were crass photos

2.) It was beneath the blog; we're better than that

3.) As she
shrieked at me on a very crowded Connecticut Avenue last Thursday night, "I just keep imagining some random person BEATING OFF to your blog, Meghan!"

4.) I used Evie's head to censor the genitals

In my defense:

1.) Well, yes, they were crass, but more importantly, they were hilarious. I wasn't just posting random pornographic images for funzies. That's what my private tumblr blog, www.megsfucknasTpix.tumblr.com, is for.
Obvs.

2.) I genuinely appreciate that my mom holds the blog in such high regard, but at the same time, this isn't exactly Faulkner. I primarily write about bodily functions and laziness and my main literary technique is the Zack Morris time-out. And !!!1. I feel like the odd porn excerpt here and there isn't that unexpected.

3.) Look, I'm not here to control what people do or do not beat off to on the Internet. And frankly, if you can successfully whack it to a picture of a porn star three hep's to the wind with giant Evie heads covering the interesting bits—hats off to you.

4.) Point taken. So to make it right, here's a picture of Evie with floating Jenna Jameson heads of censorship:

Aaaaaand all is right with the world again.

- Speaking of my mom, guess who's our new advice columnist? My mom! CRAZY, RIGHT? Amy did an awesome job at Queer Abby and truthfully, there's no reason we stopped doing it. The last round of questions she sent me, I was like "Oh, I'll just save this for a rainy day on the blog," proceeded to straight-up forget about it, and by the time I realized we hadn't done a QA post in a while, a really awkward amount of time had gone by and I assumed she thought I was a giant asshole, so I just kind of slinked off to a dark corner. Which is exactly what I was telling some readers at the YMTE podcast event when it was suggested that my mom do an advice column, à la this edition of QA. And I thought it was genius! Anyone who knows Diane knows that that woman gives some damn good advice. But like,
really good advice. It's kind of just that easy. We don't really a shtick. So, my mom is the new advice columnist! And here's a quick word from her to you:

hello. my name is diane and i am meg's mother. no, this is not the start of some strange 2b1b twelve step program. since meg and i will be writing the advice column together for a while, i thought i would introduce myself to you. i was a bit surprised when meg invited me to join her, but i was also very flattered, so here i am. i figure there might be a few things you should know about me before trusting me with some details of your life.

the first fact you have no doubt figured out by now. i am considerably older than you are. my language is different, my music is different, my cultural references are different. when i was in my twenties, we were at war with viet
nam. we had no cell phones, no home computers. when we found ourselves near a man with two pierced ears who was seemingly talking to himself, we were strongly urged to cross the street. for many of those years i could be found, along with my long brown hair, t shirt, hip hugger bell bottoms and genuine indian moccasins, at my little art school in connecticut. not much in common.....well, there is that sex and drugs thing. that should count for something. [Editor's Note: Crass.]

i do have some qualifications.
1. i have been a mother for 30 years, and even though they don't always take it, my girls say i give good advice.
2. ever since i was a kid, i've been told i was a "good listener." now you may assume that in high school i was the slightly over-weight girl of average looks with lots of prettier more popular girl friends and lots of boy friends eager to hook up with said girl friends...and you may be right,
3. i was just told last year by a psychic i met in england that i am what is known in her world as a "helper." she also told me i was a good listener. assume what you will.

unless meg has corrected this entry before posting it
['Eh, I started to but gave up half an hour later when I was only on the third sentence and needed my life back], you will have noticed that i do not capitalize anything. this is not an affectation on my part, or an homage to e.e. cummings. i simply find the thought of depressing two keys at once that often exhausting. please, just go with it. which brings me to my next point....please don't bother correcting my spelling, grammar, ect. do not point out any misused words or phrases. i figure there must be some stuff i never learned, and i know there is a lot of stuff i have forgotten. chalk it up to a quirky literary style (that diane, so creative with her over used comas and annoying dot, dot, dots). thank you in advance.

well, i guess that's it. if you feel that meg and i can help you in any way, just e mail meg.
[Don't do that. I lose enough emails and piss off enough people as it is. Email 
AskYoMama@2birds1blog.com and I'll teach you how to check it, mom. And no, it won't change the settings on your computer. I can hear you sighing from here. I swear to God, it's easy to check and I'll write down the instructions and leave them with you. This feels like something we should have talked about before this went up, and yet...here we are.] we will treat your request with respect and gravity. at least i will, i'm never sure about meg. [And you never will be, madam.]

so, until next time, i send you my warm regards and...peace.

(i know, i know, but thinking about the 60's and the 70's just brought it all back, man.)

AskYoMama@2birds1blog.com!

- My brother-in-law recently confided in me that every time he flies, he gets a spontaneous erection during the plane’s descent in a medical anomaly he calls “Landing Boner”. I thought this was
fascinating, to say the least, and he in turn appreciated that I was the only person he’d told this to who didn’t automatically disregard it as “weird” or “creepy”. Apparently he’s yet to find another guy who experiences Landing Boner and the preliminary research he did of Googling “Why do I get an erection during landing?” didn’t yield anything helpful. Me? I just heard “BONER MYSTERY” and told him that now he was talkin' my language. (And you’re welcome, sir. Every now and then it helps to have someone like me in your familial corner.)

Apparently what makes Landing Boner so horrific is that it hits exactly when the flight attendents start going up and down the aisles to look at your groin and make sure your seat belt is fastened. Now of course when he told me that, I laughed and laughed, and laughed and laughed for a long, long time, but I also decided then and there that I would be the one to get to the bottom of this so-called Landing Boner mystery. And, embarrassingly enough, that’s why there was no post yesterday. Because I spent my entire Sunday night writing time researching air pressure, commercial flying altitudes, and the male erection. My inclination is to apologize, but you know what? Family f
irst.

The good news is, I think I’ve successfully solved the mystery of the Landing Boner. (Or as I was a hot second away from texting to my sister today, “I think I’ve cracked your husband’s boner code!” Christ
.)

The reason Landing Boner initially made so much sense to me was because air pressure fluxuates during a flight. If it’s enough to make me puffy and thirsty, it’s got to be enough to wreak havoc on the wang, right? The flaw in this logic, however, is that air pressure increases as altitude decreases, so during landing, you’d think it would 
actually be harder to get a boner (wakka, wakka, no pun intended). But that wasn’t enough to stop me. No, it only drew me in further.

After an embarrassingly long amount of time doing research, here’s my final summation: while not being a medical doctor or physicist, I’m 99.9% sure that Lading Boner
does make physiological sense. What I failed to take into account before is how air pressure works inside the aircraft. Commercial airplanes pump pressurized air into the cabin during a flight to avoid its passengers from getting Hypoxia, Altitude Sickness, or Barotrauma. During descent, however, the air is slowly depressurized before being turned off all together at around 10,000 feet. Now according to my research, although the pressure is constantly adjusting itself to match that of around 8,000 feet, it’s a.) not perfect, and b.) noticeable during take off and landing.

So during landing, although the atmospheric pressure may be increasing, air pressure inside the cabin is actually
decreasing. And if the air pressure in the cabin is decreasing, the blood begins to flow faster, which added to the gentle vibration of the engine and that flight attendant with an ass that just won’t quit—BOOM! Mega-huge boner.

Truthfully the blood pressure part of my theory is a little shoddy because I don’t understand what blood pressure is and how it works and frankly never will. I know it has something to do with the walls of your blood vessells and two different measurements and listening for something and Tippecanoe and Tyler too and I just never know how to react when they take my blood pressure at the doctor’s and tell it to me. You could tell me my blood pressure is 5,000/32 virgins and I’d still think I was in the best shape of my lif
e.

So yes, Landing Boner—as the pressure inside the cabin drops, your blood vessels expand, allowing blood to start-a-free-flowin’ and suddenly you’re DTF, right? I assume if I’m wrong, you won’t hesitate to tell me, so either way, we’ll get to the bottom of this, Brah. Oh, and I’m not a total asshole, by the way. Geoff was more than fine with me writing about this because he's desperate to find some brothers in the fight that is Landing Boner. So if it happens to you,
you are not alone!

...Also, I'd also just like it to be known that if I could travel around the country in a van with a pug just eating sandwiches and solving boner-related mysteries, I would never be sad again. So. There's that.

54 comments:

Hudson said...

Totally agree - Landing Boner is a legitimate thing.

I think it's just the vibrations though. I've brought it up with mates before, and the consensus was that it is a lesser known cousin of Bus Boner (being pretty much just vibrations).

"Mike" said...

Did your mom's Shift key break or something?

Anonymous said...

I too often get random boners on planes, though mine generally occur on takeoff (get the puns out of your system now). So your brother-in-law is not alone by any means. I'm also inclined to credit the vibrations more than anything else (well, that combined with incredible boredom and the consequent sexy thoughts). Hope this...helps?

Sincerely,

not putting my real name on this

Anonymous said...

Mike, you leave Mrs. McBlogger alone. Clearly you don't understand the idea of "respecting your (way cooler and way more amusing) elders." So hush.

Becca said...

Your Mom's shift key broke.

Anonymous said...

"i simply find the thought of depressing two keys at once that often exhausting."

Now we know where Meg gets her (endearing) laziness!

Dan C. said...

Random though on landing boner with no scientific backing whatsoever: is it possible its a subconscious, reptilian-brain reaction to the feeling of descending rapidly from the sky? So as your body detects you're falling, it assumes you may die and, therefore, prepares itself for one last shot at passing on your genetic code in a melee of fighting and nudity, just like that scene in Airplane! (which is also the first time I saw boobs in a movie...ahh mammaries...)?

Brandon said...

I agree with Dan C. Involuntary subconscious reaction to a near-death experience. That said, I'm trying to remember if I've ever had Landing Boner and am afraid my body doesn't want to pass along my genetic code in the face of death.

BDiddyNoVA said...

EVIE! YES!

Anyway, I love how Diane McB explained how she doesn't capitalize words and yet no fewer than two of seven early commenters have already chosen to ignore.

Who are these people?!

"Mike" said...

Well, at that point in the blog post it was reaching tl;dr levels. So I just skimmed it. I also find poor grammar offensive. More offensive than porn, in fact.

Anonymous said...

tl;dr levels...whats that?

S said...

I for one find Mike more offensive than porn. Diane McBlogger for Class President.

Some Girl said...

@Anon: "Tl,dr" means "too long, didn't read." It generally applies to insane rants in the comments section, and was therefore misapplied to this thoughtful and delicately reasoned treatment of Landing Boners.

I also vote Mom McB for class president!

CourtneyP said...

Wow. You put a lot of thought and research in the Boner Mystery. Bill Nye the Science Guy would be SO proud.

diane said...

to "mike"...quick and to the point...if i offend you, don't read the fucking blog.

Anonymous said...

diane mcblogger, that was the best response i think i've ever read. you are my new hero

allison said...

I had a friend in college who experienced Landing Boner when he flew, only he called it simply "the phenomenon."

Anonymous said...

oh shit. if diane is really mrs.mcblogger, just by the above she has proved her badass-ness.

viva yomama!

Anonymous said...

Diane is my new favorite person. Looking forward to a heaping dose of mom advice! God knows we could all use some.

"Mike" said...

Jeez, someone's a little grumpy.

Cass said...

Can we all just agree that Mike's usage of "tl;dr" is a clear indication that he's probably taking a break from killing bosses in WoW just to comment every few hours?

Diane, welcome:)

Rachel said...

hahahahahahahaha, awesome response diane. hahaha.

L said...

in honor of diane, i will not capitalize any non work emails, blog comments, or gchat conversations for the rest of the day.

welcome and i hope meg gives you your very own, fun, blogging font color!

Anonymous said...

i agree with the vibrations theory. my bf gets boners anytime we're on a long car ride.

Anonymous said...

Viva YoMama!

Elliot said...

Well the thing is, once the Landing Boner happens once or twice, it becomes unavoidable because he noticed. Boners are pretty much like yawning: Once you think about it, it's gonna happen whether you like it or not. So now he's already worried about the Landing Boner every time descent starts, and once a man thinks "boner" it's basically a cinch that he begins pondering sexy thoughts, as much as he may not want to.

A typical man's try-not-to-get-a-boner thought process: "Gah, no boner, no boner, unsexy thoughts ... Baseball! Okay, baseball. David Wright swinging a bat. God, what if a baseball bat was entering a giant vagina? Mmmm ... oh no, think about something different ... Math! Okay, numbers, multiplication, circumference, cosine ... circles ... nipples ... god damnit!"

Fun Elliot fact: In high school, during my "get a boner at random inappropriate times" phase, little Elliot would sprout up at the very end of third period math every day. Literally every day. Because every day, with about 5 minutes left in math class, I would think to myself, "I hope I don't get another random boner." And that thought would seal my boner fate. But I just couldn't not think about it.

Dear Work IT: If you're reading this, this is a blog about volunteerism, and every instance of "boner" is actually a typo of "donor."

Ali said...

Haha Elliot, that story was hysterical. My condolescences.

Am I the only girl/woman who finds boners (and how the penis works in general) utterly fascinating? Probably.

Mademoiselle Hautemess said...

Landing Bone is totally fair. Whenever the plane takes off, I feel a little lurch in my tummy similar to the feeling when I am thinking about sex...maybe they trigger some hormone for awesomeness! (awesome unless you are seated next to a nun, or a child, or a nun with a child.)

Critically Urban said...

Mademoiselle Hautemess, I think a nun with a child may have taken advantage of Landing Boner already.

Flight Attendant Extraordinaire said...

Oh dear. I'm a flight attendant and I cannot say I've ever noticed any Landing Boners, but that's probably because I tend to be looking out more for my Number One Pet Peeve (electronic devices) that I am not checking out seat belts (and by extension, boners) enough.

And, because I brought it up, I'll just go ahead and put this out there for the 2birds1blog readers. When we say your electronic device needs to be turned of, for fuck's sake, turn it off. I don't care that you've done research into the effect of electronic devices on the equipment in the cockpit. The FAA says it needs to be off. So turn it the fuck off. Please.

Anonymous said...

Everytime, every every everytime I take a train I get super turned-on. I even scope out potential strangers for a bathroom rendezvous. It's never happened but it's dangerously intense. And I am a lady.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

And, because I brought it up, I'll just go ahead and put this out there for the 2birds1blog readers. When we say your electronic device needs to be turned of, for fuck's sake, turn it off. I don't care that you've done research into the effect of electronic devices on the equipment in the cockpit. The FAA says it needs to be off. So turn it the fuck off. Please.

Oh my God. My sister gets equally fired up about this and it's so embarrassing. She's like a vigilante for electronic device usage during take off/landing. If you're using a device, she WILL confront you, and I WILL sink down into my chair and pretend like I don't know her...slash appreciate that maybe she just saved us all from crashing into the Atlantic.

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid that mrs mcblogger failed to expose you to basic kitty cat anatomy. 1, you need to cover many more areas of evie's little kitty body. I think 8 in total from her chest on down. And B, the area near the tail needs to be covered. Poor Evie, exploited like this.

Anonymous said...

Not to be a total 'boner' here - but I think the landing boner really has more to do with the movement of the body/the anticipation of movement as well as increased heart rate during landing, than anything with air pressure. It's actually a lot like morning wood.

I get morning wood most mornings. It's usually (not always...) because I've been sleeping (i.e. sedentary) and have had a lower heart rate. As I wake up, stretch, and begin to move, the blood starts a-flowing. Everywhere.

It's the same when flying. As you prepare for landing, you start to move around a little more (wake up from the nap, check your seatbelt, stow your tray table, stuff the AirMall into the seat-back). Also, at this moment you realize that most air-travel crashes occur during take-off and landing, so your heart starts to race a little. All that means there's more blood flowing to all of your organs. Including the old ding-a-ling (or 'Paco' as I call him).

An interesting experiment would be to ask your brother-in-law, the next time he flies, to a)remain awake during the flight and b)try to move around the cabin during the flight (including, say, a half-hour prior to the initial decent). If the landing boner persists with both of these modifications, well, he may just need to lay off the viagra.

Michael said...

Dude, Landing Boner has nothing to do with air pressure in the cabin and more the pressure in his head *zing* from knowing that the oft-attractive flight attendants are going to be looking at his crotch. Even subconsciously.

It's like why my nipples get hard watching Fargo.

Maybe that's different...

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm 100% going to start looking at everyone's dicks on airplanes now.

Anonymous said...

Momma Diane you had me at: "ever since i was a kid, i've been told i was a "good listener." now you may assume that in high school i was the slightly over-weight girl of average looks with lots of prettier more popular girl friends and lots of boy friends eager to hook up with said girl friends...and you may be right,"

I've converted, I now abide by the Queen Diane I Bible.

Anonymous said...

"Tippecanoe and Tyler too."
I love you.

Anna said...

Unrelated: http://graphjam.memebase.com/2011/03/22/funny-graphs-whales-horses-of-the-sea/

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

"Tippecanoe and Tyler too."
I love you.


And for appreciating that, I love you more.

Melody said...

I love that in one entry you managed to squeeze in your mom and your brother-in-law's penis. Bravo Meg, bravo!

The Brother-In-Law said...

Michael's theory is shot to hell...I ask you this: what airline do you fly that presents you with "oft-attractive flight attendants"? I think not sir.

But thank you to all of those that have tossed their L.B. theory in the ring...
The quest continues!

-Geoff

Kacy said...

So, I know you are busy and all with the book, but according to a Postsecret post, you have some more flying related boner mysteries to solve. http://screencast.com/t/feqLmp8sJrd

I present to you: THE TAKEOFF BONER.

Anonymous said...

This post is old, but had to add that I'm a lady who gets lady boners when landing! Though mine come right at the end - usually when we're whooshing along 20 feet above the ground or so - and continue through the landing and really fast/loud tarmac travel. I hatehatehate to fly and tend to deal with that through moderate to heavy drinking, so I've always interpreted what I call "the landing lovelies" as a combination of boozy titillation and sweet-dear-god-I'm-still-alive relief.

Anonymous said...

I am relieved to hear that other people get raging erections at crucial time of flight. Defs happens to me. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

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yap yap yap said...

Gota say im sitting at singapore airport right now and lets just say I was the last guy off the plane. I normally try to get in early and tuck it under my belt. Very awkward for the person sitting next too me.

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Anonymous said...

I too get the landing boner. Just in time for me to stretch and get my bags from the overhead cabins. Then I use the bags to cover it lol. So tell ur brother in law there is at least 1 more.

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