3.08.2011

TWO IMPORTANT THINGS!! THEY BOTH INVOLVE YOU!!!!1

1.) It's that time of the year again! Shameless, shameless begging time. We need you to help us win the City Paper's 2011 Reader's Poll for Best Blog! To vote for us, go here, click "31 more" under the PEOPLE & PLACES category, type "2birds1blog.com" for best local blog/blogger, scroll to the bottom, type in your email address (they won't share it, FOR REALS), and click submit! It's super easy and would really help us out. We want to win this one, you guys. We want to win this one bad. And not because we're trying to "stick it" to any of the other DC blogs, not because we haven't won any awards lately (although that's valid), but because the City Paper knows how to throw a party and frankly, I just want to go again this year. BOOM. There it is. It's not classy, but it's honest. Last year they had a shit-ton of corn dogs, funnel cakes, and drag queens. I mean, perhaps enough said? 

I brought Alex and Becca to the '10 party and all three of us got significantly more drunk than we meant to. Things happened. We were collectively too scared to say hi to the BYT kids. Alex stole a giant floral centerpiece, and the visual of him hoofin' it down New York Avenue at 2 o'clock in the morning with it is something still I hold near and dear to my heart. I went out with a reader and the gossip columnist from The Washington Times afterwards and drank my weight in Steel Reserve. A few hours later I was on the 7am MegaBus to NYC with tears slowly rolling down from under a giant pair of sunglasses because the thought of not vommitting over the course of the next fours was physically and emotionally too much to handle. It was a time! 

And guess what? If we win, we'll bring one of you with us as our hot date!
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Join us at my place first for our traditional pre-event freak-out! Watch as Tulane Chris drinks everything in my apartment (from the peach Bacardi nips in my freezer to the five-year-old bottle of Manischewitz under the sink), while I spend an hour and a half cutting stickers only to forget them and freak out in the cab! Get your picture taken with us on the red carpet! Let us stuff your pockets with savory foods from the buffet! Be our lookout while we binge eat in the bathroom! Walk around the Convention Center and help us harass hookers and doormen for ecstasy, before we all just give up and go back to my place to watch Mean Girls! IT'LL BE SO AWESOME!!!!1 But again, only if we win. To enter, vote for us and forward your confirmation email to meg@2birds1blog.com. Gender is a non-issue. Out-of-towner? We'll work something out. hey HEY hey.

And now to Chris for our next item of business.

2.) Ladies and gentlemen, the following announcements will be made according to the rules of the ancient Japanese art of FAQ.

Q: What are you doing this summer?

A: Hiring our first 2Birds1Blog Summer Intern.

Q: Are you fucking kidding me?

A: No. We’re really going to have a summer intern.

Q: Is this like… a weird sex thing?

A: No. It’s like a weird “we want someone to help with administrative tasks so we can concentrate on writing the blog this summer” thing.

Q: Does this internship just entail making sure there’s always enough sweet tea vodka and Wawa lemonade in the fridge at all times so that Chris never need be without an “adult” Arnold Palmer?

A: Not “just,” although that is important. Basically, we need someone to do the following:

- Fill merchandise orders when we restock the store in a few weeks.
- Help with event planning for The Misanthrope’s Guide to Life launch party and publicity events, as well as for some more in-depth, on-location 2Birds Investigates we plan to do this summer.
- Do research and fact-finding for some projects we’re considering launching, but need more information about before we announce them.
- Help us produce advertising and publicity materials.
- Keep track of all the paperwork in a large, clearly labeled binder, instead of my previous, “oh, it’s under the… is that an armoire or a chiffarobe? What’s the difference? Anyway, behind that pile of Mountain Dew Red Alert cans” filing system.

If you’re big on labels, it’s a hybrid administration/marketing internship.

Q: Is this a paid internship?

A: You’re cute, pumpkin. Never lose that childlike idealism. No.

Q: Can I do this for school credit?

A: That depends on your school, but we will do our best to make it possible. While it will hopefully be fun – Meg and I are delightfully zany fledgling comedy writers – the projects you’ll be working on are serious, and you will be getting experience doing various “business” things. If you need us to talk or email with your advisor or supervisor to reassure them that this is a xX FoR rEaLs Xx internship, we will.

Q: How tall must I be to ride, and junk?

A: Well, for various reasons, including and limited to the fact that Meg and I sometimes take “porn breaks” during writing sessions to refresh ourselves, you should probably be 18. 21 would be nice so you can run to the liquor store for us, but it’s not a requirement.

You need to be in Philly or DC or their commutable hinterlands this summer. You’ll be able to do some of the work from home, but we (or at least one of us) will need to meet with you at least once or twice a week, and you’ll need to be able to come in to process the merchandise. Without getting very specific, Meg lives in Dupont in DC and Chris lives near-ish Rittenhouse Square in Philadelphia, so think about if that’s commutable for you. As far as scheduling goes, we know you have work n’ junk, and we’re willing to be flexible in scheduling, but there’s not going to be any early-morning shit if we can avoid it, because Meg and I are both essentially nocturnal.

A marketing/business background would be nice, since we don’t have that, but we’ll consider liberal arts faggots like ourselves if they put in good applications.

Q: How do I apply?

A: Hahahaha. SEND A RESUME AND A COVER LETTER to applications@2birds1blog.com. Don’t send us the same bullshit cover letter we all send about how this internship will “empower you to build on your dreams to achieve career-oriented goal solutions,” just tell us why you’d be good for the job. [Ed. Note: I don't care if you write a cover letter or not, based on principle. Chris might look down on you if you don't, but I might respect you more. It's a delicate dance, this Intern thing.]

Q: I’m a half-black, half-Eskimo bisexual polyamorous Wiccan with a parasitic twin that has Tourette’s. Can I still apply?

A: PLEASE DO. We don’t discriminate against any of those “race, creed, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, level of ability, allergic to salt” protected categories listed on the bus. We will, however, discriminate against haters and squares.

Q: When?

A: Apply by MARCH 31. Don’t “Yang out” and turn your shit in late with a lot of misspelled bad sex and racism. We’ll put it up on the website and you’ll achieve a little notoriety, but you won’t get hired. We’ll work with you on the start date for the internship, but plan for mid-to-late May.

Q: If I have any questions, can I email you?

A: Yes, but use the meg@ and chris@ addresses. We probably won’t check the application email address until we start looking through the applications.

Q: This is awesome!

A: Word.

24 comments:

stephanie said...

i'm pretty excited that when i went to vote i got a warning that someone from my office already voted, and i'm really hoping it was a vote for 2b1b.

Rachel said...

Ok done and done. Can we talk about how one of the categories is best place to smoke weed outdoors? And best place to buy handcuffs? Oh City paper...

John said...

Voted. Good luck!

Sorry you didn't make the Time magazine Top 50 blogs of 2010.

Sam said...

Just voted. Schwing

Lisa said...

Sweet Tea vodka and lemonade is called a "Dirty Arnold" in my neighborhood.

Anonymous said...

an intern? for a once a week blog that consists mostly of apologies for not posting more often? what a joke.

Anonymous said...

BAHHHHH i would love this internship. too bad i live in ohio. ughghghghghhhhh

BDiddyNoVA said...

Done and done. Also, an adult Arnold Palmer is called a John Daly. Chris, obviously you're not a golfer.

Mollie said...

Done - I voted! And totally agreed, I somehow got invited to that last year (despite the fact that I was not nominated for anything...) and the food was greasy and excessive and awesome! Hope you guys win!

Anonymous said...

I wonder if it is a coincidence or not that 2birds1blog and Charlie Sheen both announced an internship today.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure you wouldn't want an intern from the Greater Boston area that is a superb marketing coordinator? I love labels, spreadsheets, event planning and I could ship merchandise from my house! Think about ittttttttttttttt

Anonymous said...

Damn. I live in South Jersey (Philly is a short drive away) and I would loveee to be a 2b1b intern. But, alas, I am too young a bird.

Anonymous said...

Unrelated, but I'm drinking at work. Had to tell someone, you guys seemed like the logical choice. Happy mardi gras!

Juskimo said...

As a Jewish Eskimo, I am heartened to hear that you are not discriminating against my people. One question: are we going to get the " true intern stories" telling about his or her runs to the store for franzia and tissues?

HokiESQ said...

This requires a list because I can't organize my thoughts with witty segues
1. Please also vote for Dixie Liquor as the best liquor store!!!
2. Mountain Dew CODE RED. Not Red Alert. I am concerned for Chris' mental health and wellbeing.
3. Fuck I forgot 3.
4. Arnold Palmer was just the question to a Jeopardy answer no less than 2 minutes after reading it in the post.
5. OH RIGHT 3 was to be careful about registering multiple emails at CityPaper. They'll disqualify your votes.
6. My offer for prenup/annulment services still (and always) stand.
7. Seriously please vote for Dixie Liquor!!!

Jennifer said...

Anon 6:07 if you are a man, you just lindsay lohaned my heart.
Actually, come to think of it, if you are woman, my heart is still stolen and I might just switch sides for you.
<3

Anonymous said...

I'm graduating with my masters in may and have several tens-of-thousands of dollars in debt to tend to. I'm qualified for a lot of "real jobs" with "competitive pay" and "benefits" and have high "career aspirations"

If I can screw all that, work for you, and still marry meg for the benefits... I'M SO FREAKING IN

rammi said...

If you ever need anyone in London to abuse, I'm so there.
Oh, and the UK's drinking age is 18. None of this 21 bullshit.

Katie Hirtz said...

Hi internship application,
Nice to see you jumping ahead of all other applications. Fuck Random House. I WANNA BUY MEG LIQUOR FOR A WHOLE SUMMER.
<3 Katie

Kori said...

Damn it. I knew I should have gone to that party last year. The bf won a category too, but he was working, so we couldn't go. Hopefully you'll both win again this year.

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