3.10.2011

When was International Women's Day again?

UHHHH, not to call-out and alienate a dedicated reader, but Mike (not Mike-Mike; Mike from Des Moines-Mike) just sent me the most horrifying email I've ever received and I have to share.

Mike and I are usually both up at the same queer and ungodly hours because I'm writing and he's an insomniac, so occasionally we'll shoot emails back and forth. This is from tonight:

You won't believe the shit that went down in my gross anatomy lecture today my professor actually referenced Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask). In actuality we were talking about sex, reproduction, and I had to watch a lady give birth. FML. For real Meg seriously consider never doing that. This lady didn't even have a Brazilian before she let it be filmed so I think that really put her character into question. But my teacher was discussing the finer points of how far the penis can actual go in the cervix or whatever and some girl said "well thats not very deep what if i sleep with someone bigger then that" and he said "you know you should check out a book called 'everything you always wanted to know about sex "[...]
I................just have so many emotions:

1.) I just watched a video of a vaginal delivery on YouTube and I've never been so happy to be raggin' it in my entire life.

2.) Now I can't stop watching birthing 
videos.

3.) I just tabbed over from a birthing video to type the above sentence and tabbed back just in time to see an episiotomy, and I
wish you could hear the noise I made. OH MY FUCKING GOD. TABBED BACK AGAIN AND THERE WAS A CLOSE UP. A CLOSE UP OF THE EPISIOTOMY. THE DOCTOR WAS JUST GOING TO TOWN WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS LIKE SHE WAS A MEAGER YARD OF FABRIC AT JO-ANN'S.

I'm so sorry, I just got the shivers and 100% feel like I'm going to vomit. 


4.) OK, I originally laughed at that YouTube comment, but honestly, Diane McBlogger: you are a sinner and a saint and God bless you for going through that to give me life. I'd like to think I was worth it, but then again, you automatically assumed I ate out of the trashcan a few weeks ago when I told you I got food poisoning, so, maybe not.

5.) One of the funniesthings anyone ever told me about childbirth was courtesy of Rachel after she had her baby last summer. (Side note: not to get all Megan's Law on you, but Rachel and Eric's son, AJ, is adorable in a way that I don't know how to handle. And I'm not just saying that because they're my friends. I don't even like kids! They're perpetually covered in a fine layer of maple syrup and sawdust and make me heinously uncomfortable, but that child is uh-dorable. I really want to link to this video of him hysterically laughing in the bathtub that I've watched too many times for someone not in their family, but: a.) I can't find it on YouTube, and b.) I don't know if Rachel wants me linking a video of her nude child on a blog that featured anal sex and ass-fingering stills yesterday.) (Look at me, thinking before I act. Making mature decisions.
Well, I guess this is growing up...)

Anyway, after she had AJ, I sat her down and made her go into a gross amount of detail about what it was like to give birth. About halfway through, I asked her if it was awkward to be all beave to the wind for 18 hours, and she said the only part of the experience that made her bashful was how much you fart during childbi
rth.

"Yeah, but you're sitting there with a child dangling out of your bits—do you really care if you're farting at that point?" I asked her.

"Meghan, it was the
middle of the day. THE SUN WAS OUT. It was so mortifying! I couldn't stop apologizing!" she responded. This conversation happened at least eight months ago and it's still endlessly funny to me. I just love the concept of there being "farting hours" and those hours corresponding with the position of the sun, like some sort of ancient Aztec gassy ritual. I also enjoy the mental image of someone letting a fart slip out at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, awkwardly shifting their eyes around the room, and then being like, "WELP, IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK SOMEWHEREAMIRITE?! HEY-O!!!!!" Ohhhhh, mercy...it's the little things that get me through the day.

5.) RE: the pubic hair comment: Oh,
I'M sorry, but if my vagina was about to be tarred and feathered and drawn and quartered and put in the microwave with a metal spoon and blown up, I think the last thing on my to-do list would be to get a bikini wax. Sorry that "puts my character into question", sir.

6.) Excuse me, but "HOW FAR A PENIS CAN GO INTO THE CERVIX"??? Why is
anything going into the cervix during sex?! Am I correct in thinking that that doesn't happen? I'm apprehensive to fully freak out about this and say it's 100% not physically possible becauze (<--- that was a typo, but my God do I wish that's how I spelled "because") I have a very medieval understanding of my genitals and reproductive organs and it's all just witchcraft and wizardry to me, so I suppose there's a .0000000001% chance that "cervix-fucking" is possible, but I'm leaning towards not. Also this just seems like one of those things I'd mock and make a big deal about, only to read 100 comments at the end of the day about how it's normal and I'm the weirdo for thinking otherwise. (See wiping sitting down, parasites, The Snuggie...) One time my sister made a passing reference to when a gentleman's junk hits your cervix during sex and I was like, "HA HAHAHAH, WHAT?!?! YOU FREAK OF NATURE! THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN! LOLOL!" and she gave me one of the most judgmental stares I've ever received and said, "Uh, yes it does. What kind of guys are you having sex with?" That shut me up pretty quickly. So I don't know! It's anyone's game! Maybe ladies all over the world play bumper cars with their cervixes every night and sometimes shit slips in and I'm the weird one with a Hogwarts grand hall of a vagina with rotating staircases that nobody will ever reach the end of, so don't listen to me.

...This blopost didn't really go where I thought it would, and yet, here we are. Hey. Happy Thursday.



[The AJmeister. Stunnin' in skull & crossbones for Auntie Megglezzz.]

35 comments:

Rachel said...

love the tag \'it's fart o'clock somewhere." I would also like to add that I did NOT pooop.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

'ATTA GIRL!

Ali said...

I don't know about the PENIS GOING INTO THE CERVIX (just shuddered like crazy at the thought), but I've definitely experienced getting poked in the cervix repeatedly during sex by a rather lengthy gentleman who actually asked me if he had found the mysterious g-spot. Dream on, good sir.

And let me tell you the obvious: there is absolutely nothing sexually satisfying involved with a dick stabbing at your cervix; on the contrary, nothing has ever turned me off faster (with maybe the exception of anal sex).

In conclusion: average to even smallISH-sized men, my cervix and I welcome you with open legs. Bigger is NOT always better.

Anonymous said...

OHMYGODDDDDDDDDDD that baby is the most adorable baby everrrrrr

Anonymous said...

i am in love with your HP references. also, get in my life!!

-jbryg

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

JBRYG! You've been all over Talia's gchat status recently and it's such a cocktease.

Also I want to have a roundtable discussion with you about not finding Justin Beiber attractive.

Happy hour. Do it. You won't.

Anonymous said...

Bieber really does look like a lesbian. http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/

juliette said...

So I can't especially attest to penis-cervix-stabbing, but fingers can definitely reach it (and I'm not talking about some arm-deep crazy shit) and supposedly can feel pretty good. Or so attests the ladyfriend.

And as a lesbian, Justin Bieber looks like an unattractive one. It's the Hanson phenomenon all over again.

Anonymous said...

EPISIOTOMY ARE NOT THAT COMMON ANYMORE AND IN MOST CASES ARE NOT NEEDED. BIRTH IS INTENSIVE BUT NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF. ITS NOTHING LIKE WHAT IS ON TV OR MOVIES. YOUR BODY KNOWS WHAT AND HOW TO DO IT. YOU JUST HAVE TO GIVE IN TO IT.

ALSO, DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS ALL IN CAPS.

Laura said...

It is kind of intimidating to have someone in all caps tell you to just "give in" to child birth. I'm not sure if that soothed any of my own personal fears...

George said...

Listen.

I witness four (yes four) births on Monday and, let me tell you, women are shafted in the whole reproduction department. Push a bowling ball sized object out of your vag or let someone rip it out of you? AND you can't drink for 9 months?

It wasn't as gross as I though buuuut I was praying for these ladies not to poop themselves as that is on my vom list.

Sara said...

What I'm having a major issue with here (among so many other things), is that his professor actually advised people to take a look at 'Everything you wanted to know about sex: but were too afraid to ask.' That book should only be referenced when you need a good laugh (prevent syphilis with regular shots of penicillin??? ya, no) or are trying to offend someone by being racist and homophobic.

Also, I remembered in 8th grade we were forced to gather in the gym and watch a birth video on a gigantic projection screen...9 years later and those images are still clear as day. Worst part is that the obstetrician was my good friends mom.

Casey said...

My fiance and I were just discussing the possibility of babies last night. Now.... not so much.

On the plus side, this post cracked my shit up. The "it's fart o'clock somewhere" tag was the icing on the cake.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Push a bowling ball sized object out of your vag or let someone rip it out of you? AND you can't drink for 9 months?
Fuck me. I never thought about that. But Fetal Alcohol Syndrome just adds character, right?

What I'm having a major issue with here (among so many other things), is that his professor actually advised people to take a look at 'Everything you wanted to know about sex: but were too afraid to ask.'
Oh, I didn't have the strength this morning to touch that part of the email. It's all just too much for a Thursday.

Rachel said...

Thanks Anon 9:03 AM! Thats very sweet of you. He is actually 9 mths now. that pic is when he was 2months

Mike K said...

I can't say I'm entirely familiar with the whole birthing process, but wouldn't having a C-section just make everything a whole lot easier?

Also, did you ever find a husband to get you health care? The option is still on the table.

BDiddyNoVA said...

Wow. Somewhat graphic. Not sure I expected to hear the word "episiotomy" today.

That's why we love you Meg. Always surprising us.

Anonymous said...

c-sections are surgery which involves cutting through several layers of stomach tissue and are harder to heal from, mike k. My Doc said they are way more dangerous and should only be used when vag delivery isn't possible. you can get an epidural in most cases for a vaginal delivery, however both times i've had one they were ineffective but i'm told that's unusual and i'm really not willing to give up and submit myself to the awful horrible pain that is birthing so i keep asking for them hoping that the next time it will work. my mother always rolls her eyes at this and tells me that she didn't have the luxury of such things and women would just grit their teeth and bear it. well I am obviously a much lesser woman than she, but i get the feeling that she didn't have any painkillers because of a lack of availability and not her moral gumption. I would recommend that no one lets their husband look down there while you're pushing, because as curious as they might be, it's not worth it seeing your wife's junk like that. I'm pretty sure my hubby has PTSD after watching the episiotomy.

Anonymous said...

i've never commented before, but as a nursing and future midwifery student...i feel like i need to climb on my soapbox

Yes, some aspects of childbirth can be kinda gross...but it is also pretty effing awesome! In response to Mike K...people seem to forget that c-sections are MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY and carry with them many risks and complications. They do not just simply "make things easier."

Anonymous said...

to mike k: having a c section isn't exactly taking the easy way out of childbirth. it's major surgery, they have to cut through about 3 different layers of your body before they sew you back up. the recovery is harder, and you cant even pick up your baby for the first couple weeks. not saying the other way is easier, bc thats how i had my baby, and it was no picnic believe me, but i was just crossing my fingers that i wouldn't need a c section. bottom line, no matter which way you came out, you should call up your mom and say thanks!

Sara Leigh said...

this post hit me pretty hard because i actually had to google episiotomy (not sure how I've made it to ripe age of 25 as a woman and not known the actual term). anywhizzle, the google images that came up were pretty freaking disturbing. hope IT wasn't watching...

Hassenblog said...

Please commenters! Let's not turn this into anything like the comments section of the dreaded "mommy blogs"...c-section women bashing natural birth women bashing epidural-using women bashing breast feeding women bashing formula-using women bashing cloth diaper moms bashing Pampers moms...there are a million ways to do it, all of which sound pretty hard and none of it do I want to see streaming fullscreen on my computer!!

Anonymous said...

And I have laughed out loud again! Good post, Meg!!

Veronica said...

I just read this post two times in a row! That is how funny it is. I am also confused by the cervix bumper car ride people are talking about. I have awesome nookie with my man but I can definitely say that I have never experienced this.

intern_micossi said...

Please tell me you've seen this movie. It's REAAAAL!! Woody Allen's "Every Thing You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* But Were Afraid to Ask". http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068555/

Anonymous said...

When I was pregnant my husband poked me in the cervix all the time and my obgyn kept putting us on sex restrictions because it was causing problems. He's rather well endowed though and even he only poked it when it was enlarged due to pregnancy. No such cervix-poking problems since delivery!

Anonymous said...

So here's a fun cervix fact (wow, I did NOT see myself ever writing that sentence). Your cervix is lower or higher in your body depending on what time of the month it is for you. So getting poked in the cervix during sex is dependent on the size of the guy, the general placement of your cervix AND where you are in your cycle.

Can I get one of those "the more you know" stars on a sticker, please?

Anonymous said...

wait is that why i couldnt sit down after sex with the ridiculously huge bball player?? because he hit the c-spot?? no seriously wondering minds need to know. please and thanks.

Mike K said...

Thanks for the clarification on c-sections, I knew it was surgery but I wasn't sure how invasive/risky it was. Like I said, I plead ignorance on the subject and would never want to go through childbirth, reason #25929479265 why I'm glad I'm a man.

Jill said...

Meg, tell me that you've watched "One Born Every Minute" on Lifetime?! It's amazing and disgusting, all at the same time. Plus, as a bonus, it's randomly narrated by Jamie Lee Curtis!

Katherine said...

@sara leigh- i am also a 25 yr old who had to google episiotomy... and i also am now questiontion whether or not IT can see what i google at work.... eesh.

A said...

Hilarious. So I read your blog a couple times a week. Obviously in this one you mention your friends Rachel and Eric having a baby not too long ago... I scroll down and its freakin AJ. I know Rachel, Eric and AJ! bbaaahahahaha.
Makes everything that much better!

Cory W. said...

Omg, NO! The penis DOES NOT penetrate the cervix during sex! A healthy cervix is much too strong for that. A normal cervical opening is only about the size of a pencil point. Cervical dialation is a slow, painfull process that happens normally ONLY when a woman is giving birth. This professor should be fired. I'm for realzies, Mike should take him to the school admins, becauze (see what I did there?) that info is so blatantly wrong that teaching it could well cause the students harm.

versier tips said...

Jeez lots of text!
Its a good thing to remember the womens day :)

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