3.09.2011

Random Whatnot and...Stuff

1.) I really need to try harder with my blog post titles.

2.) UH, no big deal, but the "Soap" theme song is officially my new ringtone, courtesy of old fallin'-off-the-bed-'n-jackin'-up-her-back Ushma.

No voiceover. Strings. 15 seconds of pure magic on a loop. If I was an asshole about not answering my phone before, I'm on a whole other level now. All I do is lay around my apartment with my head in my hands, kicking my little legs back and forth in the air, just waiting for someone to call so I can not pick up and do the "Drop It Like It's Hot" .gif dance. I seriously considered tweeting my number so it would happen more often and I'm still not convinced it's not not a bad idea...

3.) OK, working part-time at the Pleasure Palace: BEST IDEA EVZ or WORST IDEA EVZ?!

PRO: I could walk to work

CON: ...

PRO: I'm an old pro at the retail game

CON: Retail money blows

PRO: Yeah, but it's better than nothing

CON: That's valid

PRO: Blog fodder out the ying-yang

CON: Yeah, but no taking pictures of people, and no naming names

PRO: Well, fucking obviously

CON: Oh,
I'M sorry, I'm not the one who got fired for blogging last year

PRO: Yeah you are. Technically.

CON: Point taken

PRO: The hours are
perfect

CON: Porn shop smell kind of gives me a headache

PRO: Breathe through your nose

CON: Everything might be covered in a thin layer of question mark

PRO: You finished your Gardasil series in 2009

CON: Did you know that cervical cancer can be caused by a virus?

PRO: Be one less. Tell a friend.

CON: Actually, now they're saying that shit is kind of dangerous

PRO: Well, fuck me

CON: Get back to pro/con-ing the job

PRO: Sorry

CON: Walking home from Georgetown to Dupont at 12:30 in the morning sounds slightly dangerous

PRO: So ride your bike. It's about to be the Spring! Perfect, crisp night-riding weather!

CON: That's actually a pretty good idea. OH, WAIT A MINUTE...

PRO: The ultimate trump card in the McBlogger Family Bike War of 2007—Present would be getting raped while walking home from work

CON: I mean, that's true...but I'd also have to get
raped...

PRO: Yeah, but you'd really prove a point

CON: Well, I do like doing that

PRO: Then it's settled

CON:
'Eh...you have to apply in person

PRO: That seems kind of confrontational

CON: HAHA, I know, right??

PRO: You really do need a job tho
ugh

CON: I don't know what all this you nonsense is. There's no "I" in "we".

PRO: That's not how that phrase goes

CON: This is so exhausting

FINAL SUMMATION: I don't know. Should I apply??

4.) Speaking of porn, I spent this past weekend at Chris' place in Philly and his floor was
saturated in nudie mags. It was so incredibly distracting. And not in like a "Ooo0o0o0o! This is so hot, I can't concentrate on my work!" kind of way, but more in a "Ow, that looks like it hurts, why is she so shiny?" kind of way. (Side note: if you ever want to derail a Meg/Chris writing session, give us porn, Silly Putty, and/or a YouTube video of Maya Angelou reciting "Phenomenal Woman" and we'll be DUNZO.) There is absolutely nothing sexy to me about still pornographic images. I mean, they're fascinating, yes, but not sexy. Mostly they just make me appreciate being a lady, because if I ever had to donate sperm in a clinic that only had adult magazines, I'd be fah-fah-fucked. I'd have to ask the nurse to come back in after an unproductive 30 minutes and be like, "Um, here's your Barely Legal back. I'll just take a copy of The Atlantic or something because I'm pretty sure I could work something out to that...Thanks."

Here are my two favorite images from the shag carpet of XXX literature that is Chris' floor (Oh! NSFW! Kind of. The floating Evie heads of censorship were 100% Chris' idea, but you're welcome nonetheless.):

I can't stop masturbating to this image and it has nothing to do with the penetration and
everything to do with that tattoo. It's like a lasagna of irony: on first layer, nothing says "I'm proud of my Jewish heritage and this for my Bubby who survived in the Holocaust" like a fucking Star of David tattoo. It's like putting "I love the Torah! BUT TAKE THAT, LEVITICUS 19:28!" forever on your person. On the second layer, porn stars with religious tattoos are just such fucking buzzkills. If I'm trying to get off to you doing some girl from behind, the last thing I need is a giant Star of David being repeatedly thrust in my face and reminding me that I keep meaning to google when Passover starts this year. (April 19th.) And finally on the tertiary layer, it's around his belly-button. Let me repeat that: the Star of David is around his belly-button. I mean...I don't know what the literary equivalent of a slow clap is, but I'd like to do that. Right now. Clap. Clap. Clap, clap. Clap, clap, clap, clap. Well done, sir. Well done.

I wish I could have scanned this page to get the detail on her face, but Chris wanted it to frame or laminate and carry around in his wallet and I guess I have to respect that. I'm pretty sure we're going to make this the Official Pornographic Image of 2birds1blog because neither of us can get over how perfectly that face shouts, "TAKE THE
PICTURE. I SAID, TAKE THE GOD DAMN PICTURE. I JUST SCRATCHED MYSELF AND I'M NOT DOING THIS AGAIN, SO TAKE THE GOD DAMN PICTURE" through gritted teeth. A++++

5.) I know I'm embarrassingly late to the party, but "Anacostia
The Web Series" is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I don't even remember what life was like before it. Per series creator Anthony Anderson, "I wanted to create a show that was along the lines of 'Dallas' and 'Knots Landing' with a bit of a 'Sex And The City' flair” A "Dallas"-esque show set in Anacostia? I mean...really. Why didn't I know about this until now? My new life goal is to get a walk-on role in season 3. I'm well aware that I'm a white girl from Northwest, which is sort of the antithesis of everything the show is about, but I'd be more than willing to play "Lost AU Freshman doing FSE in Congress Heights #1" and just wander around aimlessly in the background of a shot in an oversized t-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts. Mr. Anderson, I look forward to you contacting my agent (chris@2birds1blog.com). And Mr. Wil Lash, I look forward to you asking me out on a date and creating a wonderful life together. I don't know if you heard, but I finished my Gardasil series in 2009. Wink! (meg@2birds1blog.com).

22 comments:

Sarah P said...

Rape jokes are never a bad idea.

Evie's face is so Mama from "Mama's Family" in these porn shots. You can only see her face, but you can tell she has her hands on her hips.

Finally, did you happen to catch the recent Dateline "Conduct Unbecoming?" It's online, and you're welcome. Starts a little slow. Hang in there. Sex toy theft. I'll say no more.

Adventures in MetroLand said...

Apply for the job! you can post product reviews of all the demos you are forced to perform when testing products for cutomers who want battery operated items.

Anonymous said...

Unless you're walking around with headphones in, Iphone in one hand, Ipad in the other with a big sign on your back that says "Please Mug Me," I'm pretty sure you'd be fine walking from Georgetown to Dupont at night.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Evie's face is so Mama from "Mama's Family" in these porn shots. You can only see her face, but you can tell she has her hands on her hips.

That's the funniest thing I've ever read in my entire life.

Rachel said...

"Anonymous" at 9:40 doesn't know about Steak Tar Tar, Meghan. STEAK TAR TAR

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Haha right? Us and Kal Penn. We've been roughed up in the right hoods during the wrong hours.

BDiddyNoVA said...

(1) Best use of Evie photo EVER!

(2) If you *do* get a job at the Pleasure Palace you better not make it public. My co-worker and I will stalk you.

(3) Why does Chris have straight hetero-porn? I thought he went the other way?

(4) You never responded to my twitter query. Eight is Enough - yay or nay? Seems like something right up your alley.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

i've never seen it!

BDiddyNoVA said...

I think you should look into it. It was one of my mom's faves.

Anonymous said...

Ok you seriously should've prefaced that with a giant NSFW. Not cool meg, not cool

Anonymous said...

Evie censorship icons are the funniest thing I have ever seen.

Anonymous said...

jesus, meg, when i said it would be nice to see more pics in your blog, i didn't really have this in mind.

Lolo said...

PLEASE apply for a job. Not only would it make fantastic fodder for the blog, but talk about icebreaker material! You could totally work that!

tarynwanderer said...

I did a double take when I saw the pic of Wil Lash--he was a contestant on I Love New York! His New York-given nickname was Onyx. Good to see him getting work that isn't related to a VH1 reality dating show.

Please don't shame me for knowing all of this. VH1 dating shows are to me as Soap is to Meg.

Michael said...

You can tell I grew up in Montgomery County 'cause I realized he was jewish and thought "awww a jew" before I realized he was naked.

Or having the sex.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure you'd get to hang out with a good number of blog followers there...my boyfriend and I are regular visitors for...um...a variety of things.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Uh, hanging out with readers at the Pleasure Palace for and getting 9.95 an hour honestly sounds like a good solution to a lot of problems right now.

Meg said...

Not to namedrop here, but I totally know someone who's married to someone who's friends with someone on "Anacostia." So. You know. Connections.

Daniel said...

Oh rape jokes. How come they're never a hit when we tell them.

Also, you can have my bike, wherever it may be.

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