There’s a reason why I don’t watch the news and only read the Style section of the Post—I freak the fuck out. I’m a little…how do I say this?...“Crazy” is such a strong word…I’m a little prone to panic and obsess over things I can’t comprehend or control.
Knowing this now, you can imagine how ticked-off I was when I found out that we’re all going to die today when scientists in Geneva turn on a machine that will collide two atoms at the speed of light in an effort to re-create The Big Bang Theory and create matter, which might end the world. Why am I just finding this out now?! If someone is planning on accidentally killing me, I want to be the first to fucking know about it! What really pisses me off is that I heard about this in passing on a morning radio show during the gossip roundup. THE GOSSIP ROUNDUP. Since when is the imminent destruction of earth on par with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt having dinner for the first time since 2005?!
I refuse to google this situation to give you more information, so here’s an excerpt from a gchat conversation with my friend Alex where he dumbs it down for me in the most frightening way ever:
me: did you hear this thing about people in Geneva colliding atoms at the speed of light trying to re-create the big bang theory??
IT'S SCARING THE FUCK OUT OF ME
the world is going to end tomorrow
so live it up now
me: don't you fucking scare me like that sir. i am FREAKING OUT in the worst way
EXPLAIN IT SO IT'S NOT SCARY!
Alex: so they're going to be doing really complicated science experiments underground in switzerland
like a baking soda volcano times a million
me: i don't want to die!
Alex: you're not going to die
me: why would it kill us? maybe it'll just make a toaster oven appear out of nowhere
Alex: so there is a chance that doing these really complicated science experiments may accidentally create a black hole that will consume the earth
some people think it could really happen
me: I AM HAVING A PANIC ATTACK
SOMEONE STOP THEM
Alex: the scientists who made the machine say that while "technically" that is a possibility, the chance of it happening is so remote that it's not worth worrying about
me: WTF? catching a cold from a public drinking fountain is something that’s not worth worrying about. CREATING A BLACK HOLE THAT WILL CONSUME OUR EARTH IS SOMETHING TO FUCKING WORRY ABOUT
Alex: many people share your fear
several lawsuits were filed to keep them from turning it on
but they didn't really pan out so it goes live tomorrow
brb, i'm going to get a sandwich
Mmk. So we’re all going to die relatively soon and Alex likes sandwiches. If I’m dying within the next week, there are some things I want to get off my chest, Goonies style:
- I cheated on every chemistry test I ever took in high school and I ended up getting all A’s. I didn’t deserve them. I would skip class the day before a test (so I would miss the review session,) and therefore get an extension the day of the test. I would then steal a copy of the test as they were being passed around the class, take it home, look up all of the answers and copy those answers the next day when I took the make up test. Sorry about that Ms. Groner, I’m just really bad at chemistry and you're really oblivious.
- I told my boss I was quitting my job and moving back to DC because of an illness in the family. The truth is I just really hated that job but didn’t have the heart to tell her. This seemed like the most logical solution. I apologize for having the heart to kill off a family member but not tell my boss I was unhappy.
- I told my therapist that I had to stop going to group therapy because I worked too late on Wednesday nights. The truth is I was sick of missing America’s Next Top Model.
- The night of my last day at work in NY, I came back to the office drunk and stole my work enemy’s nameplate as a souvenir. I also rearranged everything in her cubicle to confuse her. This is a point of pride and I’m actually not sorry. I guess I’m sorry for not being sorry.
- Anna and Jill: I had sex in the bathroom at your Cinco de Mayo party. In retrospect, that was probably inappropriate and I apologize. I can’t remember if I told you about this and apologized already, but I want to have all of my bases covered if we’re about to die. I haven’t used that bathroom since because it makes me feel guilty.
- I discreetly puked in the back of a cab this past June when I was black out drunk and didn’t tell the cab driver. I have never felt so guilty about something in my entire life.
- I held up the production of the website I currently write for because I wanted to wait two weeks to upgrade my Photoshop so I could re-touch my company headshot. I’m sorry. That was just a dick move on my part.
- I accidentally embezzled $200 from the National Honors Society my senior year of high school and went shopping.
- In high school newspaper class, I made up the results to a survey once. I didn't do a very good job though because my figures added up to 110%. This kid Austin called me out in front of the entire class and my classmate Bahar stood up for me; a heated argument ensued as she defended my honor. Austin was totally right, but I never stepped up and confessed. I felt like a total jackass the entire time.
- Before I moved back to DC, I broke up with the guy I was seeing in New York over email.
- In fourth grade I didn’t do a geography project because I thought it was stupid. My teacher later asked me if I turned it in and I said yes. He gave me a 100% and assumed he had lost it because I was such a good student. I’m sorry Mr. Yates, the truth is I was a sneaky little fucker even back then.
- When my roommate and I got alcohol citations at AU, our community service supervisor accidentally gave me eight of my roommate's completed hours. I didn’t correct him because I kept getting sexually harassed by the crew I was doing community service with at the National Zoo. I still feel dirty when I see a panda.
- I have given countless people tap water and told them it was from a Brita. I'm not proud.
Hmm…now that that’s done with, I sort of hope we do die, because I feel like a real asshole right about now...