9.10.2008

I am Comic Book Guy...fuck.

For the past month or so, I've just been livin' the dream. People keep asking me how it is living with my parents and I gotta tell you; it's not bad. How can you argue with free food, no rent, and no job? I even gutted my childhood room and re-created my old apartment in it, complete with mini fridge and wireless internet. Install a keg, give me a Bro to flirt with and I'd never leave.

The problem is, I'm starting to get too comfortable. I'd like to think I can pull off a lot of things, but being a blogger who lives in their parent's basement might be universally upsetting. I'm starting to remind myself of Chazz from Wedding Crashers more and more everyday:


Plus the other day I got cocky and pushed the limits of my parent's generosity. Instead of looking for a job or writing for my internship Monday, I spent a large portion of the late morning/early afternoon/late afternoon drinking Bloody Mary's with my friend Talia and watching reruns of The Hills and Disney Channel original movies. After a stern talkin'-to from my mom, I realized if this is the dream, it might be time to wake up.

So, I've come to terms with the fact that I need to finally get a job. My last job left me with mild Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and now I'm oddly specific about the parameters of the new one: no cubicles; no cover letters; no bosses; no asshole co-workers; no commutes; no dress code; no pervy office managers; no turnstiles you have to swipe an ID card to spin, yet they never spin, thereby banging a large metal bar into my pelvis twice a day reducing my chances of ever bearing children; no codes on bathroom doors; and no passive-aggressive inner-office emails from women old enough to remember when Garfield was president.

According to my dad, an HR guy, these demands are "unrealistic and slightly delusional." I took that statement as a challenge and went straight to Craigslist to start researching my new dream job. After a few days, I've managed to find eight jobs that perfectly fit my parameters. Let's assess their pros and cons:

#8:Actor/Actress as a Tour Bus Guide
+ " Seeking extremely outgoing, personable actor or actress as tour guide for bus tour..."
I'm outgoing and personable. I'm not an actress, but I have appeared in some mighty fine local theater in my day.+ "Singing TV theme songs is part of the job (you do not have to be a professional singer). Stand-up comedy experience a plus."
I was singing the Who's The Boss? theme song in the shower this morning and I'm not even saying that for comedic affect. Which is something I would do by the way, hence points for stand-up comedy experience a plus!
- "Do not email questions about the position--they will not be answered."
That's slightly off-putting. Is this a tour bus or a fight club?
- "Compensation: $75 per 3 hour shift."
If I'm going to be singing the theme song to Welcome Back Mr. Kotter down Mass Ave with tourists for three hours, you're going to have to do a lot better than $75.

#7: JEWISH EGG DONORS URGENTLY NEEDED $8,000+
+ I got eggs.
+ They're the eggs of God's chosen people.
+ Price is right.
- I don't think the world is ready for countless Meg-lets running around.
- I guess the whole invasive-surgery-to-harvest-my-eggs thing is kind of a deal-breaker.

#6: Show me your tats!
+ "Photographer looking for women with tattoos to help build his portfolio."
I have tattoos and I'm all for helping fellow artists build their portfolios.
- "There is no pay for this, but, I can take any other pics you'd like for no charge."
Yea...I'm actually looking for someone who can pay me in money, not artistic black and white photos of myself. That might be a form of currency in art school, but not in the real world.

#5: Are you the next Facebook./Myspace Star? (DC)
+ "Flexible hours and unlimited pay."
I like the sound of that!
- "Looking for local talented promoters who are Myspace and Facebook kings and queens..."
I guess that's where I run into some obstacles. I think my last MySpace update was in 2006. But if "Facebook Star" was a typo and they actually meant "Facebook Stalker," I think I just might be qualified!

#4: fusion expert (maryland)
+ "(maryland)"
+ "expert"
- "fusion"

#3: Sexy Escorts needed for a very busy agency
+ "Now hiring for a Very busy non-sexual Escort agency in the Washington,DC"
Hey, a non-sexual escort agency! I won't have to do anything sexual and I get copious amounts of money! I win twice!
- I've seen the classic 1996 Lifetime movie Co-ed Callgirl. One day you're a recent AU grad looking for a job, and the next you've just shot your pimp in the head while wearing a blue pleather catsuit. It's a slippery slope...

#2: Still looking(models for classy butt fetish site) $500-$1500 (PG County)
+ "We are a local production company in search of models and exotic dancers for a brand new butt fetish website."
They're local, so it meets my no hellish commute rule!
+ "This website is aimed to be a classy one not trashy one highlighting the black mans favorite part of a womans body."
I support class, and The Black Man.
- Being a white Irish girl, I have a pretty small butt. It's a sad day when you realize you're not even qualified to be on a classy butt fetish website.

#1: Kick me in the nuts (DC)
+ "Seeking a lady that wants to kick a gentlemen in the balls tonight."
I believe my ex-roommate Blair can attest that I can deliver both a powerful and accurate kick to the groin.
+ "No nudity, very discreet."
I appreciate both.
+ "You host."
I love hosting get-togethers! I want my own apartment so I can start hosting dinner parties again.

Yep, eight fantastic choices. In case you weren't keeping score, professional nut-kicker won, with fusion expert coming in at second and Jewish egg donor in third. That being said, I hope society can withhold their judgments as I go back to bed and continue to live the dream.




6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't think it was bad at all that we sipped bloody marrys at 1 in the afternoon, after all of the judging, I think Diane envied us. We even had a FOXY stalk of celery!! I like the sound of your new jobs.. I like the Jewish Egg donor.. how much is it? I want IN!!

your foxy celery stalk,
que tal, tal?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHA damnit i should have mentioned how the entire time you were fixing the bloody mary's you were shouting "DIANE DON'T JUDGE US!!!!! YOU'RE JUDGING!!!!" at my mom, for it was the best part.

Becca said...

Bloody Mary's all afternoon? On Mom and Dad's dime?? WTF???

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

to be fair, talia bought everything so it wasn't really on mom and dad's dime.

come onnnn, support my dream!

Kiki said...

HAHAHAHA

oh my god. this is brilliant. i am also a blogger that lives with my parent. we are awesome.

ps you are my new fave blog. yessss.

mark clifton said...

I feel very sad after reading your post please do not consider your self as a comic paper writing service. Because the time do not remain same. There is always some ups and downs happens in life. So you do not need to worry at all. But your are talking about the past days then past days can not be forget.

 
Clicky Web Analytics