9.17.2008

Washington Post Wednesdays

From the classified section of the Washington Post, Women Seeking Men:

"Contract fell thru, back on market. Darling Cape Cod, built like a brick house in the late 1950's. Blonde roof, blue windows, gourmet kitchen, extensive library, lovely master budoir. Many levels. Should go quickly. Shown by appt."

Man I love the classifieds. The Post classifieds pale in comparison to The City Paper, but it's still pretty amusing. I appreciate this woman's attempt to be clever, even if it is in a bit of a "Bless This Mess!" kind of way...but I'm slightly confused by one specific part of her "house description." Let's dissect a few lines:

"Contract fell thru"
Divorced.

"Darling Cape Cod"
I'm assuming that means she's from New England? Or else she looks like a squat house by the ocean. For her sake, I'll assume she means she's from New England.

"Built like a brick house in the late 1950's"
She's got a fat ass and is in her late 40's/early 50's. Unless "built like a brick house," means she's a strong and stable woman. I took it in a "She's mighty, mighty. Lettin' all hang out" kind of way myself, but I'm partial to funk music.

"Back on market"
hey HAY hey!

"Blonde roof"
Come on Cape Cod! You were doing such a good job until here! There's no such thing as a "blonde roof," and I expected more. Shame on you.

"Blue windows"
Blue eyes.

"Gourmet kitchen"
Cooks well and/or has a passion for food (thus supporting my Brick House theory.)

"Extensive library"
Well read.

"Lovely master boudoir"
...What? Exactly what is she referring to as her "master boudoir"? Am I completely alone in thinking this woman is talking about her vag? And if so, is she trying to communicate to possible future dates that her vag is lovely? Lovely is such a bizarre adjective to use in this situation. When I think of things that are lovely, I think of time spent with my grandparents, spring picnics and children's drawings, not so much my genitals.

However, out of all of the classifieds I read, this was the most memorable one (except for a woman who suggests "let's go praisin'!") and not just because she describes her "master boudoir." I felt inspired, and considering I'm a single woman looking for a man myself, I wrote my own house analogy:

Many rented, looking for a buyer. Awkward crack den, built like a hammock in the mid 1980's. Red roof, brown windows, fully stocked bar, good for parties, nice wine rack, carpet does not match drapes. Has pool, but is very shallow. Open house every weekend.

...God damn I'm a catch.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

HHAHAHAHAAHHAHAH

-foxy stalk,
tfw

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

so does that mean you're a taker??

Carmen said...

Holy crap... this made me laugh so hard... and dribble tea out of my mouth... which is gross since I am at work. I can't even imagine what my ad would be...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

isn't "lol-ing" at work the worst? i always tried to conceal my laughter in my cubicle and it always ended up sounding like i was breathing really heavy...which is even more uncomfortable than laughing.

<3

Ashley said...

LOLZ.

When I try to cover my laughter I think I sound like a whimpering dog...that's awkward.

Timothy said...

Wow, I will totally hire you to be my personal assistant when I become disgustingly rich and can afford to be even more fabulously arrogant than I already am. I just need to work on that last part. For a few more decades.

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